Today we went to Portland on the train and learned a couple of things. First, there’s the Albany train station. You get a bit of history stepping into it – like being in a world of 100 years ago. That the station somehow manages to maintain such an air of antiquity despite being in a perpetual state of construction is remarkable, but also, possibly, an indication of how long railroad construction projects take.
There’s also the ticket area where they have an agent who doesn’t actually sell tickets since everyone buys them online, so the function of their job isn’t well defined. Apparently, they’re needed to push the button on the pre-recorded public address system that tells passengers not to leave items behind and if they leave items unattended, they (the items) will be confiscated. This message may be targeting those passengers who are traveling on a train, but want to feel like they’re in an airport. For anyone craving the airport experience, though, there will be the disappointment of no TSA to deal with. For some of the trains, you have to show your ticket to get on. For others, you get on and then a porter comes by and checks your ticket later. This is one of those “Amtrak Mysteries.” Don’t get too excited, though – we’re not talking “Murder on the Orient Express.”
We’re big fans of Amtrak (really), but it’s not for everyone. Someone for whom Amtrak might be good would be condemned prisoners. If, for example, they had to ride Amtrak to get to their execution site, they could count on at least a couple of extra hours of life beyond the scheduled arrival time, easily allowing for one or two last minute appeals to the Supreme Court. Such would not be an option on other transport systems.
There are other reasons to like Amtrak. My personal favorites are the public address announcements –
“We will be arriving at our next destination, v;keproitj soon and it is important that you ckmf;soijew[oiffk unless you f;lkmv;ij. . As always please do NOT njspciehv without ko;kn;oihd.
If announcements and arrival delays aren’t your cups of tea, there are always the (actual) intelligent conversations of the people in the seat behind you.
Man #1 (who has been sitting beside Man #2 ever since leaving LA 24 hours earlier. We are about an hour from Portland) – “So where you headed, man?”
Man #2 – “Portland, man.”
Man #1 (incredulous) – “Oh wow. That’s where I’m headed.”
Man #2 – (equally incredulous) – “Wow, man.”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “Whatta ya know about Oregon?”
Man #2 – “It’s got trees and lakes and shit.”
Man #1 – “Oh, wow.”
Man #2 – “Yeah.”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “Anything to do in Portland?”
Man #2 – “Well, they got escape rooms and other shit.”
Man #1 – “Wow, man.”
Man #2 – “Yeah.”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “You gettin’ off there?”
Man #2 – “Yeah, man”
Man #1 – “Me too.”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “You gonna do anything there, man?”
Man #2 – “Catch a bus.”
Man #1 – “Oh wow.”
Man #2 – “Yeah.”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “What time’s your bus”
Man #2 – “In about 20 minutes”
Man #1 – “Oh wow, man”
Five Minute Pause
Man #1 – “You’re gonna have to run to your bus”
Man #2 – “Yeah. It’s less than 20 minutes now.”
Man #1 – “Yeah, man”
Long Pause
Man #1 – “What’s your name, man?”
Man #2 – “Chance”
Man #1 – “Wow, man”
Man #2 – “But my legal name is Alan”
Man #1 – “Wow”
Man #2 – “Well, it was nice to meet you”
Man #1 – “Yeah, man”
If condemned prisoners had these guys behind them, they wouldn’t be dreading their execution nearly as much – yet another AMTRAK benefit.
Last, but not least, you can observe and enjoy human (mis)behavior in realtime. On the upper level of the train, when the train stops, there is usually a line of exiting passengers that bunches up on the stairwell long before the train arrives. Rather than crowd up the tiny exit area where the porter has to set things up for people to exit, they announce on the public address system (clearly, for once) to
“ . . not go down the stairs until the train comes to a complete halt. If you come down before then, we will send you back up the stairs.”
This means, of course, that starting about 10 minutes before arrival, it is time for the message ignorers to pack up their bags and lumber downstairs, followed very shortly by the same people with exasperated expressions on their faces lumbering back up the stairs with their luggage. It’s kind of fun watching this, especially when a few of them make the circuit more than once. I think the person who described people “so lazy they don’t even exercise good judgment” had these people in mind.
Finally, after a lot of ups and downs, the train arrived safely at Portland Union Station precisely 2.5 hours behind schedule. We exited the train before some of the message ignorers – so much for early preparations.
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