Limericks

Hard to Cut It

A fancy young lady named Sedges
Won’t go with the gardener she pledges
The cause isn’t looks
Or lack of school books
It’s that he is rough round the hedges

Mouse to Mouse

When breathing stopped for a duration
The vermin had no respiration
His now widowed mate
Applied all too late
A dose of mouse to mouse resuscitation

Lost No More

Miss Muffet is doing OK
Whether working, at school, or at play
I guess she should bless
Her new GPS
Because it helps her find her whey

Squeezed In

At Christmas I’m wondering why
There isn’t a larger outcry
Of holiday fears
As the big day nears
For santaclaustrophia guys

Busy, Busy

I don’t think it is a good sign
So busy I had to decline
The demand from my boss
Get the watch that she lost
Because I could not find the time

Chapter One

A writer just might bend your ear
To make her point so crystal clear
She says take a look
At writing a book
A novel way to start a career

Pins and Needles

A week ago when I was ill
I sought something more than a pill
Insurance insists
No acupuncturists
So I will got stuck with the bill

Up in the Air

The behavior of ruffian Ben
Causes mayhem with all his bad zen
I think he will stop
The local Big Top
If he goes for the juggler again

Slimming Down

I discovered whenever my boss
Spoke of diet he ended up cross
I looked up for him
A good synonym
Now I’m at a word for a loss

Publishing

It was early today around noon
That the timing was most opportune
The gay author Luke
Announced that his book
Is gonna be coming out soon

Bogus

The offer was great, it would seem
Too good to be true, like a dream
But the email’s description
Was clearly Egyptian
So I knew ‘twas a pyramid scheme

Dashing It Off

A telegrapher’s feelings outflowed
Sad expressions he had to unload
But now it’s complete
In an unusual tweet
His regrets were sent in remorse code

All Groan Up

The grouchy old goat they call Sid
Complained of everything that he did
His friends they all say
He’s always this way
Ever since he was just a wee kid

Oregon Joke

The Central Oregonian, Matt
Discovered an interesting fact
When he is outdoors
He unclogs his pores
And says that the Bend air done that

See Weed

In the ocean the fish are in awe
And the sailors all shout ‘ooo-la-la’
Such attention is paid
To the lovely mermaid
Doing homework in her algae bra

Love Me Tender

At the North Pole an elf-tracking thing
Uses letters but no numbering
Elf A may be fast
And Elf Z is the last
But Elf S is forever the king

Unit Charge

At the hardware store here in our town
There’s a rumor that’s going around
It seems there is clamor
The cost of a hammer
Is gonna be charged by the pound

Les is Good Too

A fact that’s important to know
Concerns the old Three Stooges show
It seems their lead jester
Had a stand-in named Lester
So sometimes it’s true Les is Moe

Going, Going, Gone

I am sorry I have to convey
Some news that is quite hard to say
The Italian chef
Everybody called Jeff
Is gone. He has just pasta way

Top Pop

An old chiropractor named Max
Is quite good at making joint cracks
But he is in trouble
And may charge you double
So he can pay off his back tax

All Eyes On It

The optometrist has a punch line
That he gives at the drop of a dime
Whenever he’s greeted
He’ll start to repeat it
It gets cornea all of the time

Not Vegetarians

The pastry chef living in Macon
Is professional, there’s no mistakin’
His family knows 
From their heads to their toes
It’s great when he brings home the bakin’

Breathe In

The Midas employee named Goshen
Gave to his coworkers precaution
“When you recondition”
“Turn off the ignition”
“Or suffer a lot from exhaustion”

Yes, Yes

I said to dear old Mr. Codding
“I don’t think that guy was defrauding.”
“What the auctioneer did”
“In giving you the bid”
“Was award you something for nodding”

Nobisco

The Oreo treat is no dummy
Declaring that though he is yummy
He knows he is ill
Requiring a pill
Because he feels ever so crummy

Change the Water Too

Those roses that came as a gift
Are wilted and don’t look so swift
My advice is that you’ve
Got to help them improve
By giving them all a vase lift

Hanging Down

By the door hanging baskets is Rupp
So his wife can place plants to disrupt
The view overhead
Their rather drab shed
All the hooks he is now screwing up

Purrfect

My social life lately’s been dull
I’m freaking out big in my skull
Before I go bats
I think I’ll see CATS
I hear it’s a great mewsical

Sheepishness

A shepherd’s in trouble this time
For the way that his flock walked a line
The vineyard derided
The path he decided
Why did he herd it through the grapevine?

Serfing

A geek doing coding in Guam
Encountered an odd software bomb
When he emptied the trash
He heard a big crash
And got sent to kingdom dot com

Double Letter Score

I bought a new dog for my spouse
A puppy and we call him Strauss
When he ate Scrabble tiles
Our faces were smiles
From messages all over the house

Butt of the Joke

At the pork curing plant the desk clerk
Described what they did with a smirk
The rump roasting section
Had a big predilection
To get all behind in their work

Hot Dog!

The old German chef they called Lou
Decided to make something new
This wonderful dreamer
Created a wiener
It was the wurst thing he could do

Batteries Included

All hybrid car owners adore it
Its success has been most meteoric
That Toyota car
Has gone very far
Its history? Quite Priustoric

Cut Ups

The Germans are wonderful folks
But their comedy sometimes evokes
A feeling of dread
Because it’s been said
Their butchers all tell the wurst jokes

Hard to Eat

General Motors most certainly makes
It hard to eat salmon-y flakes
So you can’t finagle
That stuff on a bagel
Because they have anti-lox breaks

Cuisine Art

The French chef, Monsieur Renindale
Creates yummy bites, never fail
When I wanted to see
His escargot recipe
He sent it to me by snail mail

Laced Up

Now hear my shoe story, I beg
It has truly been a good egg
There sure is no doubt
That it’s wearing out
I’m afraid it is on its last leg

Belly Bump

There is, said my ocean connection
A bump on the mermaid’s midsection
The lady was wild
And now is with child
I wonder if she’ll have a sea section?

No!

I guess that the truth can be told
Some comments leave me in the cold
Like my urologist, Chris
Who on phone just dismissed
Me by asking, I quote “Can you hold?”

Coming Down

The skydiving interrogator
Has sadly just now met his maker
He paid a big price
Ignoring advice
To chute now and ask questions later

Bite Fright

My best friend I had to confront
For a herpetological stunt
The poisonous snake
He brought to the lake
Was just not a civil serpent

Promises

The Inuit really was odd
‘Bout the clothes that he put on his bod
His church wear of note
Was a giant fur coat
That he described as “Ice wear to God”

Cutting Remarks

The biologist spoke from the gut
Addressing the question of what
Do we do about growls
Over wee spotted owls
“The answer is never clear cut”

Mosque Itoes

Of all the religious subjects
There’s a cult almost no one respects
But there is no doubt
They sure are devout
Those strange praying mantis in sects

Cheeses Christ

Miss Muffett handled quite well
The message in Satan’s bombshell
Regarding the curds
He had some good words
But then said “There’s no whey in hell”

Jail Time

The crook had a rather strange bent
Perhaps it was due to torment
From Catholic training
Though we’re not complaining
He just gave himself up for Lent

A Reeferal

A marijuana smoker named Jade
Thinks she has it made in the shade
And did not disappoint
When offered a joint
Because a toke in gesture was made

For a Song

This is tale of Todd Prebble
A young boy soprano and rebel
Who let out a note
While clearing his throat
And got himself quickly in treble

Down the Hatch

The bard, in his work, it is clear
Had a job on the side, so I hear
He brewed a pale ale
When the stuff went on sale
All the bartenders called it Shakesbeer

Treemendous

The handsome young tree seemed to know
He looked better when new limbs would grow
With each summer rain
He got very vain
With such a large alder ego

Bend It

That contortionist twisting her shoulder
Might be seventeen years, but no older
She’s come to this scene
From the Philippines
Her nickname’s “The Manila Folder”

Biomass

I’m writing this verse in great haste
I hope it is not in poor taste
But I’d like to post
When it comes to compost
A rind’s a terrible thing to waste

Silent Might

The Toyota Prius’ emission
No sound in the starting condition
Is truly top grade
In the manner ‘twas made
It’s wonderful by deaf ignition

You’re Kidney

Let me clarify if you’re unsure
Please know that it’s not premature
Upon the detection
Of bladder infection
You know urine trouble for sure

No Wires Attached

An internet entrepreneur
Loves his spouse and I guess I concur
Because there’s a claim
His router’s been named
“Someone Tell My Wi-Fi Love Her”

You Red It Here

I’m sad for my kid brother Gene
Whose vision test wasn’t routine
The biggest surprise?
His colorblind eyes
He said it came out of the green

Pollinators

The queen bee has made a large bet
Her four worker bees will be set
For making some money
With their brand new honey
Oh they are a great sting quartet

Old Geezer

The ocular surgeon can please
All the ladies with his surgeries
Though efficient at working
He’s quite slow at flirting
That uncrossing eyes dodding tease
(you may need to say the last line aloud to “get it”)

News PayPers

Oh the Comcast subscriber got blues
When they hiked up the cost of Fox news
He resolved his conniption
With a printed subscription
To the Times’ daily news pay-per view

Priorities

Henry Ford wins the prize, but of course
For breaking a rule some endorse
His particular zeal
For automobiles
Was why he put cars ‘fore the horse

Words Worth

The mastodon hunter McMorris
Discovered a new dinosaurus
Possessing you see
A large vocabulary
He gave it the name of Thesaurus

Stick It To Me

My acupuncturist smoking a joint
Wastes my time when she tries to anoint
Me with her ideas
Of veggie tortillas
I wish she would get to the point

Ending It All

A little ant sat down and cried
When he learned that his brother had died
The coroner stressed
His bro was depressed
And committed insecticide

Rash Talk

My dermatologist’s some kind of whiz
Skin blemishes bring in the biz
She says to be sure
There’s no kind of cure
And doesn’t make rash promises

Fruit of the Vine

A grape grower up in St. Paul
Had to issue a giant recall
Of all of his stock
Which put him in shock
With no raisin for living at all

Star Student

A driver’s ed student gave holler
The course was sure worth every dollar
When she aced things today
Her friends had to say
That she is some kind of road scholar

Landing Strip

It’s true the book market is full
Of novels romance-filled and dull
There’s lots of emotion
Like out at the ocean
Each time that a buoy meets a gull

Sproing

The shooter of arrows named Max
Explained what the sport mostly lacks
He said from his vantage
There is an advantage
But also too many drawbacks

Drill Down

For a drill who’s had an outpouring
Of attention, there is no ignoring
I guess they accept
He’s socially inept
In fact, someone said he is boring

And Two for Tee

The Siamese twins that I knew
Tried doing things other folks do
Like having hijinks
When out on the links
Where they always must have tee for two

Strong Pull

A man from the far side of town
Had the look on his face of a frown
The cause for such gloom
I have to assume
Is gravity’s putting him down

Lighten Up

One overweight man in Seattle
Is known to go on and to prattle
‘Bout wishing his waist
Could just be replaced
Oh dieting’s one losing battle

Percussin’

The band leader’s morals were lax
Directing the musical acts
So now he must mend
Up with his girlfriend
For seeking premarital sax

Running Back

The lass sees no need to extend
Thanks for valentines footballers send
Whether linebackers cunning
Or backs that are running
This lady is true to the end

Reading Lesson

On the war front, the guys amid mines
Find danger most all of the time
It doesn’t get better
If you send them a letter
Cuz they hate to read ‘tween the lines

Something in Common

The lawyer was sure caught off guard
Losing license is certainly hard
So he’s in a funk
Along with a drunk
Because they have both been dis-barred

Whiskey Business

The drunk said he took no offense
On learning that some thought him dense
It’s uncanny, it’s said
What’s in this guy’s head
For booze he’s got such a fifth sense

Harsh Words

The critic of Broadway named Nast
Can certainly do his job fast
He said opening night
Was a horrible sight
And with that he stoned the first cast

Fruit of the Room

The lawyer arrived at his place
An embarrassing look on his face
To all he declared
“I’ve no underwear
Because I have lost my brief case”

Falling Profits

The ski chalet owner named Phil
Looks forward each year to the chill
But it isn’t right
To say with delight
His business is going downhill

Nutty Idea

I went off to my grocer to beg
Lest I drop cooking standards a peg
The source of the fuss?
The high price of nuts
They’re costing an almond a leg

Three’s Company

The man with two wives couldn’t see
Something wrong so he set out for three
He said “what’s the fuss?”
“I’m so generous”
“In fact this is most big o’ me”

Losing It

My good friend the hair came across
A thing that threw him for a loss
It resulted in grief 
Though ‘twas rather brief
A big falling out with the boss

Sinking Feeling

I said to my good buddy Bruce
There couldn’t be any excuse
The Titanic sank
When it hit an ice bank
It was then that all hull broke loose

Welcome Home

The biscuit attracted a throng
Of well-wishers, some thirty-strong
He said rather loud
Addressing the crowd
“I’ve just been a wafer too long”

Yum

That kernel of popcorn named Ted
Is happy, as many have said
Though things may be bad
He never feels sad
He knows there are butter things ahead

No Blame

The geologist is an old salt
Who looked for a crack in basalt
There’d been a big shake
Most likely a quake
But he said that he couldn’t find fault

White Lies

Out in England they’re losing no sleep
Anytime that someone makes a peep
I guess they get over
The words spoke in Dover
Because, you know, there chalk is steep

The Eyes Have It

The Animal Planet preferred
Their movies be lacking in words
To cows and bulls fat
The director says that
Bovine actors are scene but not herd

Believe it or Not

The new plastic surgeon was miffed
Very angry because of a rift
A born again Glenn
And ten other men
Think he should give them a faith lift

Open Shut

Mr. Collins is there on display
Much to everyone else’s dismay
He looks like a stripper
With wide open zipper
I do not like casual fly day

Heavenly

The fisherman tells us on whole
About a new spiritual role
He finds it appealing
Performing some healing
With tartar sauce – good for the sole

Play It Asian, Sam

The Asian chef worked with aplomb
For a name for his restaurant’s dot com
He got most creative
Sticking close to the native
And dubbed it the Viet Nom Nom

No, No, and No

I’ve connected all of the dots
And now will share some of my thoughts
To people who might
Be feeling uptight
Inhibitions tie you up in nots

Unsavory

At the hamburger stand there was one
Young lady who did an end run
Around regulation
And caused a sensation
By putting her hair in a bun

Incan Decent

The Peruvian wasn’t believable
Declaring his goal was achievable
I guess it computes
Since his family roots
Make what he says so Incan-ceivable

Money Market

The numismatists Elmo and Jake
Talk of coins during their coffee break
Whenever they can
They both like to plan
Get togethers for old dimes sake

Top of the Heap

I think that you all would agree
One’s work is important you see
What I do now is bury
At our cemetery
I’ve got five hundred people under me

Accident

A tyke out in old Bethlehem
Created a bit of mayhem
With these words from his mouth
“Potty training went south”
“I’m sorry to say IBM®”

Flipper Off

The Sea World phone message amused
Though at first I sure was confused
It is strangely worded
Saying calls are recorded
For training porpoises they will be used

Down South

I certainly feel satisfied
With the guidance my trip book supplied
It said you should know
In Santiago
To dress warm – it’s Chile outside

Milk Man

The biggest bull had to confide
Curiosity he couldn’t hide
He stood by the plow
Eyeballing a cow
He longed to see her udder side

Blood Sucker

One guy thinks he’s best in the land
An animal tamer quite grand
But it’s not so neato
The tiny mosquito
He has eating out of his hand

Fruity

I think I have made a breakthrough
It’s a new way of making a shoe
I’ll make lots of loot
Using skin from a fruit
Cuz bananas make slippers it’s true

Push Button

The gadget guy truly is king
So his praises I loudly now sing
The invention of note?
A universal remote
It’s going to change everything

Star Grazing

It is true that Cher got a small shiner
When she ran to go see her designer
Of her speed the report said
It wasn’t widespread
And thus was the star’s inertia minor

Labor Forced

My words are not meant here to spoil
The mood or to make tempers boil
But for U.S. ascendence
We must break dependence
On using imported foreign toil

Cows Come Home

I said to the farmer named Zac
Lighting joints by the old railroad track
“That stuff that you burn”
“Is what makes them return”
“It’s the pot calling the cattle back”

Pasture Eyes

Near a cow every one should beware
Of the gas they release everywhere
It’s the reason they say
On a non-windy day
That the place smells just like dairy air

Upward Mobility

I think that I made a big goof
And this verse provides all of the proof
In our house in Eugene
I put my trampoline
And that’s when my wife hit the roof

Can’t Believe It

When God told the ark guy to bring
Every animal paired in the spring
Noah made a remark
In loading the ark
“It seems now I herd everything”

Shocking

Some really amazing go-getters
Electrical folks hang together
The reason we state
The group is first rate
Is because they conduit much better

Cover Up

The man with the lisp wasn’t pleasin’
The nudist and there was good reason
On reading the sign
Of the camp this one time
He said it was “clothed for the season”

She Shore Likes It

Dear Emily, I say with conviction
Regarding your Facebook depiction
If these seaweed things
Are what happiness brings
You must seek kelp for your addiction
(For Emily, who “loves” kelp)

Long Division

The Siamese twins oft get stares
As they’re an unusual pair
Of the estate they inherit
Will the two of them share it?
Or could this be just splitting heirs?

Long Gone

The tale of my luggage misplaced
By the airline was quite a disgrace
As one last resort
I sued them in court
But sadly I just lost the case

For Freshman Orientation

And last, there’s this one simple fact
Moving forward, it may have impact
You are a believer
In Benny the Beaver
Those U of O folks are all quacked

Pour Farm

An argument I always dread
When I’m drinking a beer down at Fred’s
Concerns the beer’s foam
On top of its dome
So we’re always at lager heads

Size Matters

Janet’s circus boss would prefer
For vacation if she could defer
Otherwise he’ll abandon
Shooting people from cannons
No one else is of her caliber

Secret Identity

The pilot the spy is quite wise
Taking caution each time that he flies
When he gads about
They never find out
Since he always goes in da skies

FDIC Insured

A Dickens fan out in Belize
Put money aside to appease
The man on the phone
From the savings and loan
And now tells a tale of two CDs

Pastor Prime

As the murdered man got laid to rest
The police looked for whom to arrest
They ID’d a priest
Who found the deceased
Their primary parson of interest

More Than One Way to Kill

So lead’s back in shotgun shell fill
Nasty poison – one more way to kill
Every animal stunned
By the spray from these guns
Will get toxic shot syndrome, they will

Keeping the Doctor Away

As Caesar put apples away
He noticed two gone one fine day
There was no dismissing
A pair was sure missing
He inquired, “Et two Bruté?”

Doing the Wave

A mathematician named Joan
Sighed out loud and released a big groan
Cuz she couldn’t buy
That house in Versailles
When no one would cosine her loan

Relax or Relapse

I look at that fellow and sigh
He’s high strung – I think I know why
The name’s Mr. Von
He comes from Taiwan
A Taipei personality guy

Moving Forward

Marijuana gets some hauled to court
But in Congress I’m glad to report
Both parties are sane
They’ll OK for wrist pain
Joint support for joint support for joint support

Bag It

The big paper bag Mr. Fife
Sings the praises of his lovely wife
It’s really not sappy
She makes him quite happy
Cuz they have a funky sacks life

Rockette Science

Justin B. it is said will persist
Being picky of girls he will kiss
His fav’rite romancer?
A chemist and dancer
He’s quite fond of Rockette scientists

And the Winner Is . . .

For picking the horse racing foal
Most likely to be on a roll
The man asked some questions
To make his suggestions
He called it a new gallop poll

Say It Slowly

A pleasant Peruvian gent
Left me with insightful comment
He told me the light
We turn on at night
Arises from Incan descent

By Nary

My computer is sure in a snit
The memory is screwed up in it
The tech guy will swap
A chip from his shop
I don’t mind it – one little bit

Postage Due

The bride has a very sad tale
That’s causing her nightly to wail
He’s not a blue blood
Instead, he’s a dud
It looks like she got some junk male

Pining for Her

The dashing young gentleman Dwight
Has strategy wooing Ms Right
They’ll walk amid trees
He’ll fall to his knees
And it will be love at fir sight

Lean Too

The guy with the crutch by the door
Knows that skiing is really bad for
The structure of bones
And that’s why he moans
He can’t stand himself anymore

Generic Code

The programming nerd Gretchen Moore
Has opened a new coding store
It gets lots of buzz
Down at the beach cuz
She sells C shells by the seashore

Type A Personality

In his manner the robber was candid
But the booty of which he demanded
When he hit the Red Cross
They threw him for a loss
That’s why he was captured red-handed

Weather or Not

Old Santa is slowed down today
Because of a problem they say
With no way to guide
The reindeer tonight
There’s gonna be a big rein delay

Can’t Stand Up

When spinning, old Mickey hears bells
And Minnie says her head often swells
Their circling round
Can make them fall down
Whenever they get Disney spells

End Up Winning

My kitty’s a prize-winner see
And she is a treasure to me
At the cat show, guess what?
She won for best butt!
Now she’s got a cat-ass-trophy

What a Hoot

I don’t think that I was alone
In letting out this massive groan
When I got the word
Of a gangster-like bird
That everyone calls Owl Capone

Up in Smoke

My hope is this verse isn’t shoddy
In taste and it isn’t too gaudy
My friend long awaited
Getting cremated
So he’d have a smoking hot body

Gasaholic

Gas station attendants have said it
Though in restaurants, it sure is wrong-headed
In Flint there’s no blinking
They ask if you’re drinking
“Regular or the unleaded?”

Mind Over Matter

The hypnotist took up his station
With a dentist to ease the sensation
The number one question
Will the power of suggestion
Let a trance end dental medication?
(try saying it aloud to “get it”)

Spillover

Global warming is bad, the Pope preaches
Politicians debate with their speeches
But when it gets hotter
The snow turns to water
And the ocean’s too big for its beaches

Hot Time

In the sauna was Jessica Bream
Whose camera stopped in midstream
Seems she had a tic
Could not take a pic
Due to issues with her selfie steam

Gave Way

The seamstress responded to Morrie
Who complained that his pants split was gory
She said “Sorry, though”
“It’s from long ago.”
And recited the seam old story

High Speed

I said to the young lady Rasta
“I want be driving much fasta”
So from Mario Andretti
I got a car of spaghetti
And smiled when I went racing pasta

Walkie Talkie

There was a big feeling of dread
When I spoke to my cousin named Ted
He learned he’s not prime
For being a mime
I think it was something he said

Peek a Boo

We must break up, I came to decide
From my girlfriend for what I espied
What caused this decision?
Her peripheral vision
She was seeing many guys on the side

ABCs

The pirate knows quite well that he
Relying on his memory
Will get most upset
With the alphabet
Cuz he always gets lost at C

Seoully Yours

It took them about 20 dates
The man from Korea relates
For him and his wife
To link up for life
The two of them sure are Seoul mates

Powerless

At the hardware store looming quite large
Is a promotion arriving in March
It may not go well
Clearing out Duracells
If the ad says they’re all free of charge

Bono Ono

A molecular biologist Mike
Made a clone in his lab late one night
He now has a ringer
Of a single-named singer
Whom he calls Cher and Cher alike

Stuck on You

The marching band brass says it knew
How to fix the big horns torn askew
It isn’t that hard
If they’ve become scarred
You just need a big tuba glue

Keeping Current

The newspaper down by the stairs
Has a headline that loudly declares
“An electron is cheating”
“A mistress he’s meeting”
“Go read it in current affairs”

Limited Selection

Excuse me for penning this verse
I was needing a word, now I curse
My thesaurus – a joke
Missing ends – it is broke
Cuz it only goes from “bad” to “worse”

Pour Guy

I’m worried he’s getting too frail
From carrying things, never fail
He gets colder, then hotter
From all kinds of water
That bucket’s just looking too pail

Potted Plant

When I passed near the big window sill
My movement came to a standstill
A plant on the shelf
Fell down on myself
Fortunately, it was not a big dill

Punctual

Mrs. Santa and Santa feel losses
Their split had so darn many causes
Divorce, they did not
A semi-colon they got
To separate independent Clauses

Cover Up

I said to my good buddy Shawn
“For nudism, I’ve never gone”
“Your kind invitation”
“Would be a vacation”
“I’ll go if I’ve got nothing on”

For Freshman Orientation

Biochem is a place you will find
Where bio and chem are entwined
To add to your pleasure
There’s math for good measure
And physics to sharpen your mind

Bored Game

OK, it was just a mistake
I said to the cop on his break
I’m really not a crook
The board game I took
Was a Risk I was willing to take

Down to One

The extinction numbers are screaming
We need to do some intervening
I think you’ll agree
We must clean the sea
Or a loan shark will gain a new meaning

Sponsored by . . .

William Tell and his kids have a goal
Knocking pins with a ball that they roll
Their team has no name
So it is a shame
We know not for whom the Tells bowl

Talk Back

A definition I heard made a splash
And here I will slowly rehash
If you suffer spasm
On hearing sarcasm
It may be a case of quip lash

Voter ‘Fraid

The feudalist takes lots of notes
Everything from the baron he quotes
“Regarding election”
“And final selection”
“Remember that ev’ry Count votes”

Footloose

A shoe’s in a very bad state
Who knew this would be its sad fate?
His partner got tossed
Now he’s feeling lost
The poor guy has lost his sole mate

Notre Dumb

Quasimodo was thinking one night
That discussion concerning his plight
Was most immature
Though he wasn’t sure
But Quaz had a hunch he was right

Party of the First Part

I’d like to state here my position
That contracts are by definition
Agreements absurd
So read every word
The fine print’s a clause for suspicion

Love Line

That Jewish girl next to the yacht
Is the best looking friend I have got
I’m loving her curves
Such style and such verve
I should tell her she Israeli hot

Good Volley

On the surface philosophers scratch
Guiding principles they can dispatch
It gets rather jolly
The back and forth volley
Occurring when their tenets match

Drill Down

The work of the dentist in serving
His patients is truly unswerving
He gets mighty praise
Working with the decays
But each root canal is unnerving

Licksative

The termite referred to as Gladys
Was having some trouble with flatus
Her doctor surprised
Because he advised
That she should be eating more lattice

Down Under

When I look all around my hometown
The most trusted profession I found
Wasn’t banker or baker
It was our undertaker
He’s the last one to let us all down

Down to Earth

The hunter would loudly expound
To anyone standing around
There is no denying
They’re beautiful flying
But his favorite geese are all downed

Back Words

Let’s remember our old buddy Slim
On safari went out on a limb
Made mistakes tryin’
Crossing words with a lion
And something he disagreed with ate him

Around Ground

When the legs of a cow caused her grief
Amputation provided relief
Now Bessie can’t stand
Anywhere in the land
And she’s just a bunch of ground beef

Band Eyed

The algebra teacher’s instruction
In her sternly laid out introduction
Made the band shooters so
Paranoid there’d be no
Using weapons of math disruption

Nervy

An ulna I know has no brain
And drives like a demon insane
When roads were congested
Seems he got arrested
For driving in the carpal lane
(Thanks to Indira for this pun)

Unlaced

That shoe salesman sure talks the talk
Though his sales pitch is easy to knock
He says “Mine are greater
Cuz they’re alligator”
But I know it all is a croc

Heavy Weight

The dieter looked every day
At the scale for what it would say
He’s cutting fat rolls
And meeting his goals
Let’s hope that he won’t blow a weigh

Under it All

The police on the underwear case
Found the thief in a dark hiding place
The news reports say
He was running away
But got caught after just a brief chase

Drinking Problem

That old caffeine addict has gone
On a very long race hither yon
That rather old softie
Won’t run and drink coffee
He says that it’s his decafalon

Lined Up

The math teacher asked us if we
Could live without ge-om-et-ry
I gave it a shot
And here’s what I thought
It all would be pointless to me

30% Off

In peddling boats out of Wales
A merchant most always regales
By telling them one
Ridiculous pun
That all of his ships are on sails

Shine On

I guess it is what you’d expect
For a mirror that’s quite circumspect
When he took vacation
Of quite a duration
It gave him some time to reflect

Borrowed Dime

Please listen and spare me the groan
For this wisdom I give that’s well known
It’s “Do not forget”
“To manage your debt”
“Or you’ll have to make it all a loan”

See Weed

In the ocean the fish are in awe
And the sailors all shout ‘ooo-la-la’
Such attention is paid
To the lovely mermaid
Doing homework in her algae bra

Charge!

It seems that the cell phone I’m holding
Won’t respond despite all of my jolting
Perhaps I can squeeze
From its batteries
A bit more if they are re-volting

Big Split

The director was not so elated
Her movie’s content has been graded
The subject of course
Concerned a divorce
And that is why it was ex-rated

Crack Pot

King Tut had many a detractor
His bad back was likely a factor
He’d oft try to gain
Relief from the pain
By visiting his Cairo-practer

Ouch

The riot policeman McDowd
Of his work ethic’s feeling quite proud
He says it is wise
To be early to rise
Much better for beating the crowd

Trigle Wave

Perhaps it was heavenly love
Or some coincidences thereof
That gave Matt a ‘B’
In trigonom’try
He thinks ‘twas a sine from above

Alter Falter

A picky young woman named Nancy
Was reputed to be quite romancy
Engaged twenty times
With twenty declines
Each one was a passing fiancé

Get Away

Mr. Dumpty got into a scrape
Lost a fight to a mean Concord grape
Just like many eggs
He doesn’t have legs
Or else this guy would have eggscaped

Ribbit

The new anatomical prof
Told students enough was enough
Don’t needle the spine
On froggy’s neckline
Or else it will get all pithed off

Bottom Got Him

A man starts compounding his fears
Every time that his problem appears
If he can’t stay dry
He’s likely to cry
Look out for his butt sweat and tears

Deposit Required

A surrogate mother in Trent
Wasn’t clear when she said what she meant
There aren’t any keys
Or u-tilities
Cuz her “place” is just one womb for rent

Getting to Know You

A carbon-14 atom named Kate
Thought going together was great
But fully disparaged
The idea of marriage
Because she just wanted to date

Mist Out

A single young woman on prowl
Screwed up at the dance and how
The guy she was eyeing 
Her line wasn’t buying
She’s mister opportunity for now

Pay Purview

For this limerick, I encrypted a part
In the middle, not here at the start
To unlock, there’s a charge
Uibu xjmm cf very large
Or you can figure it out if you’re smart

For Freshman Orientation

Biochem is a place you will find
Where bio and chem are entwined
To add to your pleasure
There’s math for good measure
And physics to sharpen your mind

For Freshman Orientation

It’s important you know what to do
Now that you are at OSU
The profs giving talks
Are all kinds of docs
They’re not “Mr.” or “Mrs.” to you

For Freshman Orientation

And last, there’s this one simple fact
Moving forward, it may have impact
You are a believer
In Benny the Beaver
Those U of O folks are all quacked

Boomerang Verse

This boomerang verse is perverse
No way it could be any worse
Once it gets written down
It comes back I have found
This boomerang verse is perverse

For Freshman Orientation

From high school, you longed to be free
Now you’ve done that spectacularly
From all of our crew
Welcome to OSU
We’re happy you’re here in BB