Limericks

I guess it is all cut and dried
The facts, they cannot be denied
That seamstress’ reaction
Arose from distraction
Cuz she was sew preoccupied

The bartender had no regard
For the Stratford man drinking too hard
He said “I don’t think”
“I’ll give you more drink”
“And so Shakespeare now you are bard”

Resolutions I like to extol
They’re part of a brand new year’s goal
I told my friend Will
That I’m on the pill
Cuz I’m practicing girth control

The book critic took a long shot
Describing the book he had bought
Like a gardening flat in
Mid-town Manhattan
Neither one has much of a plot

What that Christian guy most truly knows is
A fact and not a psychosis
Who led Jews out of Spain?
Through flimsy membranes?
‘Twas a guy by the name of osMoses

I said to my buddy named Clem
Whose loss of things really costs him
To cut the expense
Of your contact lens
You need to keep your eyes upon them

The story I’m telling is true
I don’t think my doc has a clue
When I said I’m bitter
And addicted to Twitter
He told me, “I don’t follow you”

The gadget guy truly is king
So his praises I loudly now sing
The invention of note?
A universal remote
It’s going to change everything

Norwegians complain they get bored
Dull vacations provide no reward
So everyone chooses
To go out on cruises
It’s something they all can a fjord

The riot policeman McDowd
Of his work ethic’s feeling quite proud
He says it is wise
To be early to rise
Much better for beating the crowd

What I saw just got me a thinkin’
‘Twas an owl, his lids fastly winkin’
He’s the same kind of gent
As a great President
Because both of them are A’Blinkin’

In Russia the big superstars
Are watched on the TV’s in bars
I guess you should know
Their least favorite show
Is entitled “Dancing with the Czars”

Despair on his face is now shown
By the entrepreneur’s noisy groan
He drew a big blank
For bucks from the bank
It isn’t Fairbanks will not loan

An electron is feeling content
Because he just gave his consent
To attending a ball
Coming up in the fall
It will be a real current event

Of all the religious subjects
There’s a cult almost no one respects
But there is no doubt
They sure are devout
Those strange praying mantis in sects

The Pillsbury Doughboy’s dissection
By the coroner at the inspection
Was simple and fast
The result was broadcast
He died of a big yeast infection

Mrs. Battery sadly recites
Her husband’s been given last rites
The poor guy got blotto
Ran down in an auto
When someone left on the Porsche lights

A bee at his hive up in Nome
Spread his wings to go out for a roam
But when he returned
It is said he had learned
There truly is no place like comb

I got oh so mad and I cursed
Discov’ring my lunch plans reversed
Underground in a spot
They buried my brat
And I had to exhume the wurst

Every student who comes to attend
OSU at Corvallis or Bend
Whenever they enter
The new Success Center
Will think of their very Beth friend

A snowman they call Mr. Burke
Just got a new job as a clerk
Should he need a ride
He’ll go for a slide
And ride his icicle to work

I think of my old buddy Steve
Whose story I didn’t believe
I thought he got fired
But he just retired
And took some maturity leave

Although it may lack the allure
That guy really reads it for sure
A novel offbeat
Picked up from the street
I guess he likes litter-ature

Back east, there’s a house that I cheer
Quite famous with great atmosphere
It’s known for a room
Equipped with a broom
That says “George Washington swept here”

The wee itty bitty frog’s brother
Went hopping around for his mother
He’s seeking her out
In the midst of a drought
Going from one ex-stream to another

A razor that gets faces clean
Describes it as like a bad dream
What he says is of note
It goes, and I quote,
“Nobody knows the stubble I’ve seen”

A molecular biologist Mike
Made a clone in his lab late one night
He now has a ringer
Of a single-named singer
Whom he calls Cher and Cher alike

The haberdasher’s remark was misread
When he looked towards his friends and then said
“You guys should all know”
“To be status quo”
“I have to go right on a head”

They say he is truly adored
That good lucking guy Mr. Ford
He’s a big shot, you see
Of the Club of Ennui
Where he is the Chairman of the Bored

The air freshener’s feeling tense
Cuz his price is a major expense
It comes with a quirk
The spray doesn’t work
None of this really make any scents

King Henry the 8th is a wreck
Sometimes he feels much worse than heck
It seems, and I quote
“When I have a sore throat”
“It’s such a royal pain in the neck”

I just got the news from old Walt
That an earthquake has caused work to halt
It rattled each tree
Out there in DC
He thinks it’s the government’s fault

The orchestra leader won’t sing
Of one instrument made up of strings
He knows they don’t work
On problems berserk
Cuz violins can’t solve anything

I said to my student named Hannah
Whether in jungles or in the savannah
When naming twin monkeys
It’s really quite funky
To refer to them as Abe an’ Anna

I’m sorry if I’m seeming crude
And please do not call me a prude
But I blanch at schmucks
Driving 18 wheel trucks
Who like models in the semi, nude

The music conductor named Schmitt
Couldn’t finish an orchestral bit
Messed up on the style
He’s not versatile
It seems he could not Handel it

I guess I am over my stewing
About the career I’m pursuing
I’ll be making things clearer
By cleaning up mirrors
It’s a job I can see myself doing

The tale of my luggage misplaced
By the airline was quite a disgrace
As one last resort
I sued them in court
But sadly I just lost the case

General Motors most certainly makes
It hard to eat salmon-y flakes
So you can’t finagle
That stuff on a bagel
Because they have anti-lox breaks

The text on the message she saw
Was legal with lots of hoopla
And so it is clear
In court she’ll appear
A subpoena’s the letter of the law

My face has acquired a frown
From the pink birds all over the town
A good buddy Ringo
Just called me “Flamingo”
I may have to put my foot down

The actress beginning to cry
Shook her head at her looks gone awry
It’s just not OK
Her hair turning gray
So unhappy she thinks she could dye

It’s with sorrow I send you this note
The repairmen has said and I quote,
The TV’s in danger
With no channel changer
It’s recovery chance is remote

The moth that I see flying near
Is confused it would surely appear
Perhaps the beer brewers
Like old Adolph Coors
Have confused him with a light beer

I think every spelunker should know
The wonders of caving and so
I propose with a shout
Preservation, no doubt
Of the hole echosystem below

The apple and cherry you’re seein’
In Jamaica are good, I’m agreein’
At two ninety five
For a slice – that’s no jive
Best pie rates of the Caribbean

The luge competition’s uproar
Was certainly hard to ignore
The sledders complained
The speed was insane
It was more than they’d tobaggened for

The ketchup was stuck in there tight
So I peaked in the bottle all right
Alas it poured out
Filled my eyeball throughout
Not a good idea, in Heinzsight

Miss Muffett handled quite well
The message in Satan’s bombshell
Regarding the curds
He had some good words
But then said “There’s no whey in hell”

Its chopping down’s been loudly touted
Reporters wrote stories that shout it
The oak’s gone away
So headlines now say
“Ex-tree, ex-tree, Read all about it”

I asked my friend living in Prague
“Should I get a kitten or dog?”
He said, “Rain or shine”
“Go buy a feline”
Then handed me his cat-alog

Of his praises I gladly will sing
His invention is on the upswing
It is so divine
To have dotted lines
They’re really such tearable things

In the igloo, he covered a cough
His fingers were nearly froze off
The brave sci-fi man
Is truly a fan
Sitting there freezing his Asimov

The watchmaker caused folks to cuss
It was an incredible fuss
The prob – they went blotto
At his brand new motto
“If it doesn’t tick, tock to us”

A waiter of note they call Rob
Is some kind of foodie heart throb
When folks come to dine
He likes to serve wine
And always does quite a pour job

The blood bank that’s here in our town
Has problems, as many have found
It isn’t so great
If folks have to wait
When they get caught with their pints down

As scientists, we have to admit
Cloning deer really gave us a fit
We worked to no avail
To make a female
Til we bought a doe it yourself kit

I think we should be thankful, please
As the news has relieved our unease
When a bomb blew the door
Off the fancy shirt store
Thank God for no casual tees

For a business that hasn’t a match
Dermatology is quite the natch
The one in our ‘hood
Is really quite good
I hear that it got built from scratch

The garbage bin stated that he
Makes relationships unhappily
He knows at the start
He’ll ache in his heart
Because he gets dumped easily

I think that I might have a curse
That’s taking a turn for the worse
Whene’er I arise
And open my eyes
I go straight from bed to verse

The pilot the spy is quite wise
Taking caution each time that he flies
When he gads about
They never find out
Since he always goes in da skies

My brother, the novelist’s mad
After giving it all that he had
He’s really in shock
With bad writer’s block
A case of authoritis real bad

Though his prep for the school was quite ample
Tom felt he’d been made an example
But the carpentry school
Had a very strict rule
He had to submit a stool sample

The watchmaker earning his dime
Told his wife on the phone “Honey I’m
Gonna be rather late
Could be half past eight.”
As he continued his work over time

A clockmaker out in Berlin
At the factory is a has-been
He worked really hard
But now has been barred
For putting too many hours in

The house AC unit still stands
As a magnificent creation of man
When its inventor died
His funeral worldwide
Had a massive array of his fans

A young meditator named Ben
Was asked by an acquaintance just when
He thought he was gonna
Reach a nirvana
The answer he gave – now and zen

Coming up to a bridge, I told Lee
That it made me nervous, you see
Sure enough, it just fell
Squeezing me all to hell
The suspension’s almost killing me

That farmer writes poetry mean
The slickest stuff I’ve ever seen
On his tractor’s a stanza
He wrote – a bonanza
Another a case of man verses machine

My friends all consider it strange
But I am not planning to change
I put in my flat
A pile of fat cats
Cuz I like a big meowntain range

I said to my next youngest brother
Regarding the snakes, here’s another
Cute factoid to know
It follows below
“A boa’s best friend is his smother”

A man starts compounding his fears
Every time that his problem appears
If he can’t stay dry
He’s likely to cry
Look out for his butt sweat and tears

A beautiful actress named Bess
Described her long path to success
She says in the ‘hood
Known as Hollywood
Tain’t who you know, it’s who you yes

A hangman while out playing poker
Made a joke that was mediocre
Politely I laughed
At his handicraft
This guy is a practical choker

From my trip to Helsinki I’ll share
This story I’ve told everywhere
Our luggage was lost
At terrible cost
It vanished into the Finn Air

The dogcatcher in my home town
Makes a good deal of money I’ve found
I’m guessing he catches
The dogs in big batches
Because he gets paid by the pound

A scientist working in Queens
Gathers data from studying genes
More’s better you know
For predictions and so
The N’s truly justify the means

The new anatomical prof
Told students enough was enough
Don’t needle the spine
On froggy’s neckline
Or else it will get all pithed off

In Alaska it’s said a solution
For upping one’s eye resolution
Is to get an assist
From one specialist
You must see their optical Aleutian

I’m gonna report just the facts
Of my buddy, the lumberjack Max
It seems he got canned
The move was unplanned
Instead they just gave him the axe

If insomnia hits it may seem
Like you want to let out a scream
When counting the sheep
Your hope for some sleep
Is to dream the impossible dream

My coroner friend known as Sam
Told the people around him, “I am”
“Where I’ve gotten today”
“Checking corpses for pay”
“Cuz I mastered a big stiff exam”

I think something’s wrong now with me
My laughter’s almost absentee
I don’t find it fun
When hearing a pun
Damn this irony deficiency

The car dealer there at his station
Is balancing sales with elation
He works with pizzazz
Because this guy has
Excellent Hyundai coordination

Two psychics say they are no hoax
And resent it when people make jokes
Of their work it appears
They’re some kind of seers
Who just are a paranormal folks

My bird feeder food’s often stolen
A hungry young squirrel’s dinner golden
So the pole I have greased
To desist and to cease
It’s the best kind of climb it controllin’

The issue, according to Max is
Mathematical anaphylaxis
I just have to laugh
At his girlfriend graph
Which has an ex and a why axis

The magician would bid all adieu
Disappearing from audience view
With his ending session
There’s only one question
Was that just a stage he went through?

The astronaut wore a big frown
For the ticket he’d gotten in town
Now he’s got a fine
He ran out of time
Cuz his parking meteor ran down

It’s causing the jailers distress
No surprise – I am sure you could guess
The jailhouse’s tunnel
Is quite like a funnel
They say it’s a runaway success

The energy a pre-med expends
Working on her MCAT on weekends
Is due to the needing
Of doing the reading
A Kindle she burns at both ends

My brother in law is a Turk
Who has a good job as a clerk
In spring it is nice
He sells lots of spice
It is a most seasonal work

When traveling to see all the sights
You can get there by flying all night
United’s got options
But remember this caution
You want red-eye, not blackeye flights

Our town Romeo reminisces
The giving of hundreds of kisses
This guy always fretted
That he might get wedded
There sure were a lot of near Mrs.

The optometrist gathering’s a blur
That’s odd, but I think you’d concur
It goes without mention
That this big convention
Is a place where the eyes have it sir

Those B-flats out back by the diners
Are surely a big group of whiners
They get rather snide
With no drinks supplied
The bartender doesn’t serve minors

I’m not sure just what I should say
‘Bout the chickens who’ve all gone away
There is no dismissing
The fact they are missing
And police think there may be foul play

The coffee shop’s hard working clerks
Think their benefit plan mostly works
There’s three breaks a day
And adequate pay
Along with a whole bunch of perks

The witch gets some real nasty looks
Because of her publishing hooks
Although it’s unplanned
They often get banned
You see, she writes hex-rated books

The frog sitting there by the poppy
Is looking right now rather sloppy
Someone dared to eat
His legs for the meat
Which clearly makes him most unhoppy

A student residing in Dodge
Lives there in his parents’ garage
This artist of note
Just said, and I quote
“I’m working my way through collage”

When Geronimo parachutes, see
He acts very strange, golly gee
At the top of his lungs
As if speaking in tongues
He screams rather loudly, “Meeeeeeeeee”

When their manual needed correction
Smith and Wesson did not raise objection
See, it is a fact
The thing that it lacked
Was only a trouble-shooting section

The baker of donuts says his
Love for making them’s over, it is
So don’t a fuss
Or try to discuss
Because he’s just tired of the hole biz

It really did cause a big stir
When asked of which film she’d prefer
The new flower lady
Nellie O’Grady
Said it’s Back to the Fuchsia for her

In the old West the cowboys would sing
Of a city boy out wandering
He’d couldn’t ride horses
The reason of course is
He never would mount to a thing

I know what my answer will be
Since it’s in the dictionary
If you ask of me, Denny
To define the word ‘many’
I’ll say it means a lot to me

Some said it was cuz he got slapped
And others report he felt trapped
I think the pod pea
Had that killing spree
Because the poor guy simply snapped

Octopus astronauts embrace
Exploring each watery place
They sure love to talk it
How their brand new rocket
Will take them up to otter space

“It is difficult being ignored”
“I may just go out of my gourd”
He is rather frank
That small wooden plank
Informing his friends he is board

My neighbor went out and she bought
A dog, which is just what she sought
That sucker is mean
The worst that I’ve seen
He’s a terror, I shih tsu not

The blood specialist old Dr. Wayne
May have to go back and retrain
Because when he sought
The patient’s blood clot
His search was completely in vein

A censor should not feel so guiltless
Blipping content so no one can witness
It’s always the same
They never feel shame
Putting “no’s” into other folks’ business

The dental hygienist for pay
Makes bucks in a very strange way
She takes the remains
From tooth scraping pains
And sells on plaque markets, they say

The twins from the town of La Jolla
Sang loudly when playing LaToya
Their friends weren’t too nice
Giving her strong advice
“You shouldn’t let that pair annoya”

The business folks here have a knack
Of giving their customers flack
Like the one-time-use bow
And arrow in tow
With only a single drawback

On St. Patty’s Day scary ghosts choose
One drink to cure all of their blues
It could have vodka or rum
But the main rule of thumb
Is that it has got to have boos

The muffler this time’s really lost it
So mad that he truly is frosted
He’s tried counting sheep
To help fall asleep
But wakes up each morning exhausted

It is a good lesson to learn
Birth control isn’t any concern
For folks eighty eight
Out seeking a mate
You never are too old to yearn

A flea and his friend on the side
Sometimes have to quickly decide
To ride on an ear
Or back in the rear
Every time they go itchin’ a ride

Mr. Robin Hood likes to transfix
His friends with a few marksman tricks
The path for his shooting
Involves some computing
To follow the arrow dynamics

The Australian shepherd named Coosh
Told his herd that they all need to “shoosh”
Cuz in the outback
They get lotsa flack
Whenever they bleat ‘round the bush

When an anteater’s feeling quite ill
It is true that he certainly will
Never ignore it
He’ll take something for it
Most likely an ant acid pill

A flammable solid today
Went running outside to go play
It was so exciting
He started igniting
That’s one happy camphor they say

I learned about hair on my head
From something my hairdresser said
He said with a smile
Jamaican hair style
Is something that he really dreads

The programmer licking her lips
Awaited when her software ships
The memory scheme
The best ever seen
Lets a user cache in their chips

When he isn’t worried of sinning
I’m told that God loves to see winning
Here’s proof for you all
He’s a fan of baseball
The Bible starts “In the big inning”
(Thanks to Will Keim for the pun)

I first heard it from my grandpa
What is known as the lumberjack’s law
This simple delusion
Leads to some confusion
Cuz it says what you see, you saw

The ghost at the house with the view
Was hoping the news might be true
Because there’s a claim
He’s getting some fame
With a listing to come in Boos Who

The plant in the lovely decanter
Possesses a good deal of grandeur
He’s smart and to boot
At Trivial Pursuit
He always comes up with the anther

A woman’s quirk left me in awe
It’s rather an odd kind of flaw
Just drinking one draft
Makes this dear lady laugh
She’s known as the one brew ha-ha

In preparing the tight rope for Scott
I erred by not giving it thought
He hit the ground – SMACK
There was too much slack
It seems that such things must be taut

In the desert the full entourage
Saw an animal as a mirage
The hump-backed surprise
Was simply disguised
In a word it was just camelflaged

Amphibians changing costumes
Crave their privacy Shirley presumes
She says tadpoles in bogs
Metamorphing to frogs
Should do it inside of croakrooms

An earthquake that’s come to our town
Is seeking some work as a clown
To break up the tedium
He’ll be a comedian
Cuz this guy can bring the house down

A famous scientist, I hear
Loves chemistry jokes very dear
I have to believe
That on new year’s eve
He hopes for a phosphorus new year

A really old baker named Munz
Has passed on a trait to his sons
So now these three blokes
Recite many jokes
They all like to make hot cross puns

The young rooster was really a fool
Too much talking and breaking of rules
Then to his dismay
Got sent home one day
For using fowl language in school

In Bali, Maria was squealing
Describing the way she was feeling
The guys were such fun
But oh too much sun
So now she is truly a-peeling

A clueless young man tried a line
On a fair but unyielding Fräulein
When her number he sought
The reply that he got
Was 999-9999

The new guy has too many stumbles
And likewise makes excessive fumbles
It just doesn’t seem
That he’ll make the team
But that’s the way the rookie crumbles

Patrick Stewart’s late father, you know
Worked on Singer machines long ago
When people would bring
In their broken things
They’d ask him to please, “Make it sew”

The judge described one situation
Of stalking based on a fixation
To help Mrs Yoder
With a restraining order
He made one decree of separation

My bank account’s looking quite flat
Since I purchased that Siamese cat
The price was a shock
It put me in hock
Iowa lot of money for that

It is said back in times that are old
This axiom often got told
“Don’t be a neurotic”
“For antibiotic”
“Penicillin’s worth its weight in mold”

Transylvanians have to be smart
And handle things right from the start
They don’t set afire
A veggie vampire
Instead they drive steaks to its heart

The art scholar tweeting on Twitter
Said one task has left her a-jitter
Compiling a list
Of impressionists
Gave her Manet things to consider

The prison with its goings ons
Has a saying embedded in bronze
On their library wall
It just says it all
“This place has its prose and its cons”

The Germans are wonderful folks
But their comedy sometimes evokes
A feeling of dread
Because it’s been said
Their butchers all tell the wurst jokes

In cutting our budget the trail blazer
Blamed it all of the business appraiser
It seemed he went nuts
With those big budget cuts
By using a real fund razor

My doc left me quite in a bind
With surgery that at first I declined
But he got a grant
For my brain to transplant
So convincing that I changed my mind

The haters of music agree
On the things they do not wish to see
From the sound of their talk
Whether Mozart or Bach
They hate violins on TV

A drama I wrote, most absurd
Is out – I suppose you have heard
I think it is fun
With pun after pun
It is just a big play on words

The cannibal thinks that he can
Make a mint with his new cooking plan
He’s written a book
With a real catchy hook
“How Best to Serve Your Fellow Man”

A ghost says she’s back in the groove
Her condition has greatly improved
The cause of the change
Isn’t really so strange
She had all her ghoulstones removed

My friend is a teen-age Tunisian
Whose skin has an oily secretion
You see that his dimples
Are turning to pimples
Each one is a new foreign lesion

A sprinter was feeling distress
So started with food to obsess
He stopped all his eating
Before his competing
And is on the fast track to success

At the Westminster dog show, you know
A certain young collie’s aglow
Despite lots of itching
This dog isn’t bitching
Her flea won the pest of the show

An atheist rather ill bred
Found the holidays something to dread
So rather than Easter
He celebrates “Yeaster”
Where something else rises instead

The election that happens this fall
Is one that will matter to all
So tell every neighbor
To vote for Biff Traber
So Corvallis can stay on the ball

The news that I heard was insane
Of the glassblower way up in Maine
Who got sad and wailed
Then deeply inhaled
Developing a big stomach pane

The New Year’s Eve party my brother
Had was great. I hope there’s another
The girls and the boys
Made all kinds of noise
That went in one year and out the other

The soprano near here gets my vote
For things coming out of her throat
She’s often dismissed
As a big optimist
For leaving things on a high note

For its title, I have to surmise
An eclipse-based Web page takes the prize
Optometrists report
It’s clever and short
“This Page is a Site for Sore Eyes”

On the ocean, it’s rather precise
One thought will for Santa suffice
It’s not good or bad
Or happy or sad
It’s who’s been nautical and who’s been nice

The student in class in the autumn
Didn’t learn what his art teacher taught him
Of the statue to Frank
She said do not spank
But he had to go hit rock bottom

In the cafe a lonely Jamaican
Was having some eggs, juice and bacon
When a dung beetle came
And asked him by name
If his favorite stool had been taken

The tender young apple named Bert
Gave a whimper on landing in dirt
This sensitive guy
Is too prone to cry
Whenever his peelings get hurt

A steer at a field in Kauai
Found some “grass” from an old hippie guy
He ate it then zowie!
‘Twas real Maui wowie
And that’s why the steaks were so high

A cod in the bay is declaring
His big legal troubles are scaring
He’s better today
And feeling okay
Even though he just had a court herring

The minister from Lake Oswego
Found himself in some trouble illegal
Though he seemed rather nice
His problems with vice
Affected his church altar ego

The poultryman knew that the crook
Made a steal just by taking a look
The stock in the pen
Was missing a hen
It sure paid to check his chick book

Captain Hook acted angry and swore
The last time that he went ashore
The reason he tiraded
Were prices inflated
Inside of the second hand store

One thing that I wanted to see
Arising from curiosity
Was where the sun went
Upon its descent
Now the answer has just dawned on me

For my wedding I just hired a flake
And I’m worried – a lot is at stake
This rather odd cook’s
A thief and a crook
I’ve heard that he just takes the cake

“It’s the future,” I said in summation
To my ex of a new complication
But it didn’t last
She brought up the past
It made for a “tense” conversation

When my buddy let out a loud yelp
I knew that he might need some help
An addiction he feeds
Is found in seaweeds
And because of it he must seek kelp

I hope it is not too much braggin’
About my new beagle named Dragon
But he really dazzles
In all of his travels
His favorite transport is waggin’

I like to get into a zone
Making limerick readers all moan
If I mess with their minds
When they’re reading these lines
The significance surely has groan

The Inuit really was odd
‘Bout the clothes that he put on his bod
His church wear of note
Was a giant fur coat
That he described as “Ice wear to God”

My friend told me something insane
Of Henry the Eighth, I proclaim
He said that that hog’s
Like Kermit the Frog
Cuz they’ve both got the same middle name

Regarding his shaving, he skips it
And brushing of teeth, he omits it
That’s one grooming loon
The Man in the Moon
And as for his hair, eclipse it

An old chiropractor named Max
Is quite good at making joint cracks
But he is in trouble
And may charge you double
So he can pay off his back tax

An old Irish baker named Beaver
Is truly an over-achiever
He gave to his wife
A giant bread knife
He describes as a four loaf cleaver

At the game the Brooklyner picked
Concession food fried on a stick
Half way through it was raw
He proclaimed as he saw
“Wendy’s® is over I think I’ll be sick”

The shooter of arrows named Max
Explained what the sport mostly lacks
He said from his vantage
There is an advantage
But also too many drawbacks

When the oldest town grouch took his leave
From this life on the last Christmas Eve
There was sadness but yet
No one got upset
They found it so hard to bereave

I really don’t mean to be rude
But that pianist’s concert was crude
It isn’t just me
The critics agree
Their summary – “bad at etudes”

The crow heard his clock’s noisy tick
Meaning time to get up coming quick
But he wanted to play
One bright sunny day
So he cawed in to work he was sick

I don’t like my eggs to be cheesy
And hate them if they are too greasy
Perhaps I’m a pest
But I like it best
If I can get them ovar-easy

That big snowstorm was an eruption
And caused our town major disruption
But I guess the reason
Is it is the season
For us to have big winterruptions

I think that we all should excuse
That artist o’er there drinking booze
They’ve broken his heart
And stolen his art
Now Lautrec has nothing Toulouse

Perhaps he was feeling the pain
When he jumped from the bridge in the rain
The gory please spare us
We know ‘twas in Paris
And that he is truly in Seine

Marijuana gets some hauled to court
But in Congress I’m glad to report
Both parties are sane
They’ll OK for wrist pain
Joint support for joint support for joint support

The Siamese twins that I knew
Tried doing things other folks do
Like having hijinks
When out on the links
Where they always must have tee for two

It’s true that old Harold Lloyd Baker
The greatest impressionist faker
Is going on trial
For copying style
And being a big Monét maker

Please listen and take this advice
Or you may be paying the price
Don’t believe ticks and fleas
No matter their pleas
Cuz they’re just a bundle of lice