Son Gods

Helicoptering mothers are ones
In whom an obsessive trait runs
They have the condition
Of Aztec religion
The case where they’re worshipping sons

Collection Agency

The man went to church and confessed
He could not pay for their exorcist
Of his overdue bills
Their response gave him chills
“Pay in full or you’ll get re-possessed”

For Biff’s Mayoral Campaign

The election that happens this fall
Is one that will matter to all
So tell every neighbor
To vote for Biff Traber
So Corvallis can stay on the ball


The biographical depiction
Of Mother Teresa caused friction
Some said it’s not true
So what do you do?
Perhaps file it in the nun-fiction?

Well Grounded

My gardening friend declared danger
As her soil got stranger and stranger
So sometime this fall
She’ll put in a call
For a visit from the loam ranger


If you’re needing an exercise fix
The next time you’re out in the sticks
Go out and get you
A brand new canoe
And then do row impact aerobics


At a clothing exchange in Macao
An Indian woman showed how
She truly impresses
Swapping everyone’s dresses
What’s not certain is whose sari now?

Open Door Policy

A small airplane pilot, no doubt
Got worried when carrying a Kraut
He said “Don’t explore
Near this open door.”
For he feared that his herr would fall out


It is said back in times that are old
This axiom often got told
“Don’t be a neurotic”
“For antibiotic”
“Penicillin’s worth its weight in mold”

Best Buds

The ghost in the house comprehends
The things that the witch recommends
She told him one night
When speaking of fright
That “demons are a ghoul’s best friends”

Hands Off

It’s with some difficulty I say
My masseuse must have had a bad day
I’m making this point
My neck’s out of joint
Because she rubbed me the wrong way

180 Proofs

I’m sorry to share this sad news
Coming to us from old Santa Cruz
It seems there’s no more
In their liquor store
Cuz a ghost just stole all of the boos

Get It In Writing

With this limerick I now disclose
One secret that this author knows
Writing poetry sure
Is just amateur
But literature’s for the prose

Keeping the Doctor Away

As Caesar put apples away
He noticed two gone one fine day
There was no dismissing
A pair was sure missing
He inquired, “Et two Bruté?”

I, I, I

In Rome, it was easy back then
Doing math before pencil or pen
The numerals used
Never left you confused
Since X was always equal to ten

Hive Got It

The beekeepers really don’t care
If locals complain of their fare
They’ve got no pet peeve
They’ll pick up and leave
And take all their bees ness elsewhere

Cutting It Up

My gardener’s strong etymology
Describes all his work in ecology
He pricked up the ears
Describing his shears
As real cutting hedge technology

Zeroing Out

The guy working scales they called Murray
Had only a single big worry
He feared he’d be last
So he worked rather fast
Always acting in some taring hurry


I laughed at the Irishman Paddy
Who fancied himself quite the laddy
While in Indiana
He slipped on banana
As I yelled out to him, “Hoosier daddy?”

Rough Ride

Old Santa looked down at his beard
Hoping not to seem overly weird
He stammered to say
Could they work on his sleigh?
He’d pay after service was “reindeered”

Crime Spree

The Catwoman went out and stole
The City of Gotham’s payroll
But the judge was a sport
When she got to court
And just let her off on purrole

Art Attack

I think that we all should excuse
That artist o’er there drinking booze
They’ve broken his heart
And stolen his art
Now Lautrec has nothing Toulouse

It Would a Peer

‘Round the nudist camp some threw a fit
When a man with a shiny drill bit
At the fence on the knoll
Made a rather large hole
The police say they’ll look into it

Under Where?

The lingerie thief had to quip
Passing on to his friends this one tip
“When robbing the shops
Escaping the cops
Means you may have to give them the slip”

Numbers Game

A scientist working in Queens
Gathers data from studying genes
More’s better you know
For predictions and so
The N’s truly justify the means

Reign Delay

The revolt in the streets yesterday
Gave the papers a reason to say
The people can sing
They’re rid of the king
Because he just got throne away

Seeing is Believing

The optometrist gathering’s a blur
That’s odd, but I think you’d concur
It goes without mention
That this big convention
Is a place where the eyes have it sir

White Lies

Out in England they’re losing no sleep
Anytime that someone makes a peep
I guess they get over
The words spoke in Dover
Because, you know, there chalk is steep

Milt Down

The gambler considered the cost
Of the ivory cubes he had tossed
Out into the trash
It was awfully brash
He knew ’twas a pair o’ dice lost

Rude Canal

In the office it was not a thrill
When my dentist had three teeth to fill
Things turned for the worst
When he said to the nurse
“All right, I think you know the drill”

Revolving Door

As for doubts, there really aren’t any
Ms Hilton has plenty a penny
I just realized
Wedding so many guys
Means she uses the word matrimany

Bored Game

OK, it was just a mistake
I said to the cop on his break
I’m really not a crook
The board game I took
Was a Risk I was willing to take

Three B’s

Their bedding and towels on display
Were the best you can find any day
But Destiny’s Child
Bought them out and restyled
The name – Bed, Bath and Beyoncé

Drip, Drip, Drip

Out at Starbucks the workers reclined
On their holiday – great peace of mind
Cuz on Xmas there’s no
Making Ventis of Joe
But then they go back to the grind

Ice It

Now here is a good rule of thumb
If you bang your head, do not be dumb
Take it up with the court
And give your report
Then settle for one big lump sum

Illegal Left Turn

A skydiver’s bummed for his fate
His instructor says he’s second rate
When he dives, he will swerve
And follow a curve
The problem is he can’t chute straight

Generic Code

The programming nerd Gretchen Moore
Has opened a new coding store
It gets lots of buzz
Down at the beach cuz
She sells C shells by the seashore

Dough Nut

The baker of bread has conceded
His need for a loan’s now receded
It seems that this guy
Is a whiz on the fly
At raising some dough when it’s kneaded

Well Aged

The Mexican guy’s store account
Means he never pays full amount
It’s just like a coupon
Downloaded from Groupon
Cuz he gets a señor discount

Shaving the Wealth

The shepherds ‘round here all are cheering
Earning more for the stock they are rearing
They’re much more attentive
With one new incentive
Each one of them gets profit sheering

Staying in the Lines

The coloring child, little Dawn
Says something inside her book’s gone
What’s missing, you see
Is she has no shoulder to crayon

Bright Idea

A glow worm with really poor sight
Got lost going home late one night
He stumbled I fear
Into some cheap beer
Producing a case of Bud light

Healthy Eating

Ms Obama is working, you see
Getting people to eat healthily
When she goes to the store
She’ll likely buy more
Of her favorite food – Barackoli

Up in the Air

Now that I have seen him firsthand
I propose that this pilot get canned
His flying’s a sham
Much like Peter Pan
It seems he will Never Never Land

Pale Wail

Count Dracula has a bad dream
That often will follow this theme
He’s feeling a fright
Standing out in the light
And forgets to put on his sun scream


When headaches got bad, the sea urchin
Began doing medical searchin’
To improve, he’d advise
Dialing up several guys
Who come from a school of brain sturgeons

Sew What?

The tailor has cut and has slimmed
The church choir’s robes given him
But everyone’s dissing
Cuz something is missing
I guess they all need to be hymned


That kernel of popcorn named Ted
Is happy, as many have said
Though things may be bad
He never feels sad
He knows there are butter things ahead

Not Hill Areas

In Kansas, the farmers demand
Lots of work out of every hired hand
That’s the way it has been
I will say it again
They live off the flat of the land

Les is Good Too

A fact that’s important to know
Concerns the old Three Stooges show
It seems their lead jester
Had a stand-in named Lester
So sometimes it’s true Les is Moe


My friend the psychologist smirked
When someone said he was a jerk
The reason because
They said that he was
Un-duressing his patients at work

New Hues

With respect to the guy known as Joe
I’m sorry to say it is so
This leader and mentor
Is a big sheep pigmenter
He’s the biggest lamb dyer I know

History Lesson

The German machine started drumming
When Hitler began his nose thumbing
So many would die
We ask why oh why
Did Europe Nazi what was coming?

Sew It Up

At the surgeons’ ball I just grinned
Thinking how all the dancing had been
There could be no romancing
Amongst all the dancing
Because everyone would cut in


A robin is getting together
Each muscle, each bone and each feather
The cause is this bird
Just recently heard
A forecast for very worm weather

Strong Resemblance

I confess I am quite ill at ease
With walking my little Maltese
When he takes a dump
My shoulders both slump
As I see familiar feces

Over and Over

I know why I’m feeling so blue
And I’m going to share it with you
I was doing okay
Lots of fun yesterday
But now I’ve got Monday ja vu

Drop Down

For the stunt, he did not have permission
So now he is with a physician
The fall was unreal
From the big Ferris Wheel
The boy’s truly in fair condition

Hold Up

My buddy is feeling quite lame
And the story is really a shame
It seems his library
Collapsed on him – scary!
He’s got only his shelf now to blame


The Civil War soldier was shrieking
On hearing a voice he’d been seeking
It’s what he preferred
He craved every word
Twas his guy, General Lee speaking

Laned Up

In Maui, they’ve got lots of smiles
All the bowlers have started their trials
Their race to compete
Is certainly sweet
Those folks are all rolling in isles

Wet Mess

Your dog is too friendly, I snicker
Glad to see me and here is the kicker
His tongue activates
Then he salivates
Too bad that he can’t hold his licker

Drying Out

This year on our summer vacation
One place caused us great aggravation
The dry summer breezes
Caused too many sneezes
When we stopped at our first dusty nation

Power to the People

The Russian says he has a fright
Of a sport that just doesn’t seem right
It involves many dopes
Spending time on the slopes
Who all go trot skiing at night


Gas station attendants have said it
Though in restaurants, it sure is wrong-headed
In Flint there’s no blinking
They ask if you’re drinking
“Regular or the unleaded?”

Top of the Heap

I think that you all would agree
One’s work is important you see
What I do now is bury
At our cemetery
I’ve got five hundred people under me

Step On It

The lady who lives by the forest
Was confused by another named Doris
Who brought carpet of shag
But no flower bag
It seems someone called the wrong floorist

Well Suited

The modeling guy at Capri
On display was quite happy that he
Avoided the loathing
While showing off clothing
That knight there in shining Armani

So It Would Appear

The text on the message she saw
Was legal with lots of hoopla
And so it is clear
In court she’ll appear
A subpoena’s the letter of the law

Toon Time

The St. Louis cartoonist sees
His work could be more Japanese
Perhaps he’ll beguile
His fans with a style
If he creates Arch animes

Doing it Right

The blood specialist old Dr. Wayne
May have to go back and retrain
Because when he sought
The patient’s blood clot
His search was completely in vein


On the interstate highway a crane
Upset a glue truck – “What a pain!”
To reduce travel time
Please follow the sign
That tells you to, “Stick to the Inside Lane”

For the Crater Good

I told my good buddy named Liz
Who’s one astronomical whiz
Finding meteor strikes
By day or at night
Is a ground-breaking discovery, ‘tis


The riot policeman McDowd
Of his work ethic’s feeling quite proud
He says it is wise
To be early to rise
Much better for beating the crowd

Manet, Monet, Money

The art scholar tweeting on Twitter
Said one task has left her a-jitter
Compiling a list
Of impressionists
Gave her Manet things to consider

Nice Move

At the dance I was wanting for sure
To step out with a lass I prefer
With my leg in a cast
I couldn’t dance fast
But I sure had a big crutch on her

What Ales You

The beer told his trusted advisor
He needed a big tranquilizer
The reason, he stressed
Is he is depressed
You see, he is sadder Budweiser

A Bit Sharp

I really don’t mean to be rude
But that pianist’s concert was crude
It isn’t just me
The critics agree
Their summary – “bad at etudes”

Hold On

It seems that I can’t get enough
From that guy standing there talking tough
His talk of a tether
Holding metal together
Is certainly riveting stuff

Call of Nature

The army sought pigeons who flew
To get messages out to their crew
The birds weren’t quiet
They’re more like a riot
The sounds of a military coo

For You Blue

The witch gets some real nasty looks
Because of her publishing hooks
Although it’s unplanned
They often get banned
You see, she writes hex-rated books

Atti Two-ed

Twin siblings were in a bad mood
Over birthdays that they had accrued
In one year you see
They’ll be forty three
Since both of them have fortitude
(say the last line aloud to “get it”)

Cloudy Water

In the depths of the ocean he hid
Escaping the bad deeds he did
I’m sure you have heard
Or have gotten the word
Of that inkslinger Billy the Squid

Two of a Kind

The opera singer alone
Had a voice that was too monotone
She’s now good to go
In full stereo
After getting the Apple iClone

Colorful Guy

My lizard is now in show biz
With humor this guy is a whiz
He tells funny jokes
To all kinds of folks
A standup chameleon he is

High Speed

I said to the young lady Rasta
“I want be driving much fasta”
So from Mario Andretti
I got a car of spaghetti
And smiled when I went racing pasta

Nothing Up My Sleeve

The magician would bid all adieu
Disappearing from audience view
With his ending session
There’s only one question
Was that just a stage he went through?

Off Key

Charley Tuna had one secret wish
It was to be singing with kitsch 
He’d make the girls moan
As a great baritone
If someone could just tuna fish

Digital Solution

My lady photographer chum
Uses film and I think that is dumb
Cuz she really hates
Development waits
One day, she says, her prints will come


The poultryman knew that the crook
Made a steal just by taking a look
The stock in the pen
Was missing a hen
It sure paid to check his chick book


The lawyers stood mostly in awe
Watching exorcists working to draw
The demon’s motifs
From their legal briefs
Since possession’s nine tenths of the law

Tune Up Time

Each time that his ship glug a lugs
Mr. Scott’s called to fix up its bugs
OId Scottie is wise
On the ship Enterprise
He knows how to change the Spock plugs

Torn Up

Of his praises I gladly will sing
His invention is on the upswing
It is so divine
To have dotted lines
They’re really such tearable things

Air Movement

One magazine in this great nation
Is kaput – it’s now in cessation
’Twas called “Ceiling Fans”
What ruined their plans
Was said to be low circulation

Moving Target

A perjuring dentist downplayed
The sworn testimony he made
His lawyer was wise
Describing the lies
As something that was truth decayed


I said to the old Mr. Tweedy
I’d split with his niece rather speedy
She’s a mover and shaker
And quite the bread maker
Too bad she was overly kneady


In the pasture the shepherd atop
A hill watches over his crop
And stroking his beard
Says when they get sheared
They’ll go down to the baa baa shop

Raising Cain

Kim Jung Un’s got it made in the shade
Celebrations include a parade
Although things are crappy
The guy is quite happy
He’s signed an agreement on tirade

Collection Agency

The man went to church and confessed
He could not pay for their exorcist
Of his overdue bills
Their response gave him chills
“Pay in full or you’ll get re-possessed”

Buck, Buck

It was sad when old farmer McMurd
Passed away on July twenty third
His chickens got sold
They’re unhappy, I’m told
But auctions speak louder than birds


An atheist rather ill bred
Found the holidays something to dread
So rather than Easter
He celebrates “Yeaster”
Where something else rises instead

Jolly Green

On opening the pod I did see
A green thing roll out under me
It’s gone now, I swear
I have to declare
That sure was a wee escapea

I Hear You

Davy Crockett, a man we revere
Was quite odd of hearing, we hear
An ear left and right
A regular sight
And then he had one wild front ear
(say the last line out loud)

Nolo Polo

That astronaut guy is a loon
Because, on this fine afternoon
He’s acting quite twisted
Since he just insisted
On wearing Apollo shirt on the moon

Feather One’s Cap

The wise man who lives out of town
Thinks up riddles that make people frown
So he did deduce
A wee baby goose
Is growing up as it’s growing down

Getting Bugged

The iPhone support staff said “We
Make software that’s always bug-free”
I replied to the clerk
It just wouldn’t work
Cuz it was an app errant to me

Watching the Waist

The vampire beside me turned white
It was an incredible sight
The cause of miasma?
He ordered some plasma
But the waitress brought him a Blood Lite


The butler the police interviewed
Forgot his false teeth and is screwed
Got arrested right there
He hasn’t a prayer
For doing undentured servitude

Slim Jim

Jenny Craig for a long time has been
A place for the people wherein
Who aim to be losing
Pounds of their choosing
Get staff who have patients run thin

Nerve of the Perve

The voyeur who’s known as Jerome
Lives right down the street from my home
This creepy old schnook
Has written a book
The product? A big peeping tome

Smoothed Out

The dry cleaner’s income enlarges
From a judge whom he oft overcharges
To take out the wrinkles
There’s an iron that sprinkles
But for that he adds on pressing charges


Of course, it is certainly true
I said to the bread-making crew
Remember financing
To keep on advancing
You knead dough for everything you do

Mask Up

The head cold I’ve gotten just stays
And has entered a very bad phase
It hasn’t been shaken
By meds I’ve been takin’
I’m stuck in the hoarse buggy daze

Whiskey Business

The drunk said he took no offense
On learning that some thought him dense
It’s uncanny, it’s said
What’s in this guy’s head
For booze he’s got such a fifth sense

Ups and Downs

The newest hot diets amaze
Thanks a lot to a church-rooted craze
Believers don’t frown
If the scale’s up or down
They just work in mysterious weighs


My best friend is sure in my prayers
Next to him, no one truly compares
This wonderful egg
Has only one leg
And says he has trouble with stares

Larger Lager

When you’re longing for beer drinking spaces
A brewery can be your oasis
Is a lager the tops
Because of its hops?
Decide on a case by case basis

Punching It In

One farmer I know is curator
Of cattle kept near the equator
To make every penny
He tracks just how many
There are with his new cow-culator

Mystery Solved

Charley Tuna knows deep down inside
Why he’s crossing the ocean’s divide
This chicken of the sea
Has decided that he
Must get over to its other tide

Wait for it to Poodle

My fiance is taking it tough
With her dog she’s had almost enough
The very worst thing
Was eating her ring
Now she’s got a diamond in the ruff

Control Issue

I’m certain you’ve heard all the chatter
My stomach is getting much fatter
One friend loses weight
With her mental state
A triumph of mind over platter

To Your Health

A famous scientist, I hear
Loves chemistry jokes very dear
I have to believe
That on new year’s eve
He hopes for a phosphorus new year

Chopped Up

I said to the old Ebenezer
A man who was surely a geezer
That in ancient Rome
When the pizza got home
They cut it with their Little Caesars

Play It Again, Sam

A drunk who was rather bizarre
Aspired to write a song for a star
But try as he might
On every night
He couldn’t get past the first bar

The Eyes Have It

The Animal Planet preferred
Their movies be lacking in words
To cows and bulls fat
The director says that
Bovine actors are scene but not herd

Add Ease

The Army doc out of Ole Miss
Told the Colonel that it was like this
‘If officers ail
I let them all wail
Cuz I’ve got a “private” practice

Sheet Faced

The ghost on the bike got rebuked
When he said that its wheels had been nuked
It wasn’t the case
Instead all the space
Arose from the fact they were spooked


Old Santa does not need to fret
A significant ignorance threat
He helped all the elves
To learn for themselves
The letters in their elf-a-bet

In the Mood

I think it is time I should quit
Telling jokes now because I must split
‘Cept one ‘bout a cow
I’ll tell you all now
I hope that I don’t butcher it

Tokin’ Remark

If the church visionaries acquire
Some weed from that guy in the choir
They’ll giggle and joke
When they breathe in the smoke
And prophets will never be higher

Cope With Pope

The almighty God’s very ticked
In his almighty teeth he’s been kicked
When dining each day
At breakfast buffet
He’s stuck with the ex-Benedict

Fear Not

At the bookstore I asked timidly
For some help to get phobia-free
The clerk pointed to
A brand new review
But I fear that it may not help me

Cut Ups

Some things plastic surgeons replace
May be noses or teeth, no disgrace
They know that such bridges
Fit into the ridges
Because they just get in your face

Stuck on You

The marching band brass says it knew
How to fix the big horns torn askew
It isn’t that hard
If they’ve become scarred
You just need a big tuba glue

Anatomy 101

Excuse me for feeling superia
To all of the lowly bacteria
Students know very well
Of no organelle
Inside of their tiny interia

Tiers of Joy

At the wedding the bride had her fears
Despite the loud chorus of cheers
All the commotion
Created emotion
Her own wedding cake was in tiers


At the racetrack, the hare won it all
After losing it big in the fall
How did he improve?
And get back his groove?
It seems he had turtle recall

Cut Ups

In Rome if you talked to the geezers
You would find they were not easier pleasers
But their empire is gone
It couldn’t go on
Divided by a pair of old Caesars

Time Out

A man told the young mother Pat
Her kid was a tired little brat
She pulled out her phone
And made the guy groan
When she said there’s a nap for that

Time to Come In

The award ceremony revealed
When the big envelope was unsealed
The scarecrow got buzz
The reason because
He’s truly out standing in his field

Yin and Yang

A young meditator named Ben
Was asked by an acquaintance just when
He thought he was gonna
Reach a nirvana
The answer he gave – now and zen

Lamb Stops

The two sheep named Sadie and Clem
Had a date to go out to the gym
Though Clem is a smoocher
They haven’t a future
With mutton in common between them

Down South

I certainly feel satisfied
With the guidance my trip book supplied
It said you should know
In Santiago
To dress warm – it’s Chile outside


At the wedding where vows were exchanged
The ceremony really was strange
It was in a forest
Between two young florists
Whose marriage it seems was arranged

Big Mess

The guy fixing roofs, Mr. Skinner
Is new at it, just a beginner
On cold days it’s tricky
The sealant’s quite sticky
He wonders, “Will the Target® thinner?

Kneadless to Say

The baker of bread has succeeded
His quotas today all exceeded
The reason he’s blessed
You probably guessed
He has everything that he’s kneaded


This migraine of mine you can take
Hurting all of the time I’m awake
I wouldn’t complain
On losing this pain
It would not be one big missed ache

Flying High

The lass in the back of the flight
Really liked flying during the night
Cuz the boyfriend beside her
No light would provide her
On a date, darkness equals de-light

Forecast Cloudy

Stepping in from the cold, I just sighed
My vision had changed from outside
The glasses in fog
Sure left me agog
You see I was quite mist-ified

Back to the Future

I first heard it from my grandpa
What is known as the lumberjack’s law
This simple delusion
Leads to some confusion
Cuz it says what you see, you saw

Noise Annoys

That crow always seems without pause
To be exercising his jaws
The source of complaining
Is sometimes quite draining
But he never complains without caws

Bet You Don’t Get This One 🙂

An Idaho spud farmer Brock
Gave his wife an unusual talk
He said that by ten
He can’t farm the glen
So he needs a potato clock
(You may need to say the last line out loud)

Sick Leave

The news out of old Stalingrad
Was released and it truly is sad
The bread making crew
Contracted the flu
So then all the Bakersfield bad

Braking is Hard to Do

The farmer they call Mr. Etter
Says he now is feeling much better
The pain’s gone away
Since late yesterday
After he got a long John Deere letter

Carry On

As the photon took off for his flight
He packed up his things really tight
When asked why he dragged
Just one Duffel bag
He said he was traveling light


An ulna I know has no brain
And drives like a demon insane
When roads were congested
Seems he got arrested
For driving in the carpal lane
(Thanks to Indira for this pun)

Rub It In

The young Irish botanist, Buck
Pulled a shamrock from out of the muck
And then this young bloke
Crossed it with poison oak
So he’d have a rash of good luck

Atoms, Madam

A promising scientist Clem
Gave advice like this chemistry gem
“Reactions enlarge”
“On changing the charge”
“So you must keep an ion them”

She Shore Likes It

Dear Emily, I say with conviction
Regarding your Facebook depiction
If these seaweed things
Are what happiness brings
You must seek kelp for your addiction
(For Emily, who “loves” kelp)


A strange little man from Beijing
Had the mind of a real ding-a-ling
He’s so maladjusted
No atoms he trusted
Because they make up everything

Pastor Prime

As the murdered man got laid to rest
The police looked for whom to arrest
They ID’d a priest
Who found the deceased
Their primary parson of interest

Rose Tinted

When sleeping I have admiration
For the visual anticipation
The dreams are much fuller
If they are in color
A pigment of my imagination

Bite Fright

My best friend I had to confront
For a herpetological stunt
The poisonous snake
He brought to the lake
Was just not a civil serpent


Two iPhones are sitting there thinking
Of the network to which they are linking
“Is my buddy like me”
“Can he see what I see?”
“Are you synching what I’m synching?”

Heavy Duty

Queen Elizabeth’s dieting drill
Relies on Shakespearean skill
He follows her round
Keeping track of each pound
Oh, where there’s a weigh, there’s a Will

Sit On It

Though his prep for the school was quite ample
Tom felt he’d been made an example
But the carpentry school
Had a very strict rule
He had to submit a stool sample

Gone for Broke

As Santa was readying flight
A new Visa bill just came to light
The charges on toys
For wee girls and boys
Made St. Nicholas nickel-less that night

Now You See It

An optometrist named Dr. Wise
Created an online surprise
It’s really the bomb
Conjunctivitis dot com
You know, it’s a site for sore eyes

Back to the Factory

I wanted a thing that could crawl
So I went to a shop in the mall
Bought a shelled thing named Phil
And it went well until
That pet store had turtle recall

Greener Grass

The cow mama declared aloud “I’m”
“Gonna give some advice that is prime”
“To my son who is wired”
“You’re gonna be tired”
“Because it is pasture bedtime”


A student residing in Dodge
Lives there in his parents’ garage
This artist of note
Just said, and I quote
“I’m working my way through collage”

Old Gold

We’re worried – don’t know what to do
The old castle we bought turned us blue
And now we are told
The furnace – too cold
We can’t have archaic and heat it too

On a “Scale” of 1 to 10

Wee fishes should not lose much sleep
Or take any time out to weep
About the chinooks
Renowned for their looks
Cuz beauty is only fin deep

Bad Incision

From the hospital bed one guy stated
His stay had been quite over-rated
The food all was bad
Their care made him mad
He did not like how they operated

Sinking Feeling

I said to my good buddy Bruce
There couldn’t be any excuse
The Titanic sank
When it hit an ice bank
It was then that all hull broke loose


Dr. Frankenstein sometimes offends
When a new monster overextends
But he doesn’t get
Too very upset
Cuz he’s always “making” new friends

Fakes Ones Better

A really old man, Mr. Levy
In the driver’s seat of his big Chevy
Says he brings shamrocks
To all of his talks
Cuz real rocks are just too darned heavy

Sewed Up

The young Swedish surgeon named Bjorn
Was getting quite bored and forlorn
But now he feels groovy
From renting a movie
His favorite one – “A Scar is Born”

I Fold

So here is a great thing for you
To watch if you ever feel blue
A folding tsunami
Known as origami
Is gonna be on paper view

Rock On

The psychology major was joyed
On hearing new singers employed
His favorite band
Will soon be at hand
They go by the name of Pink Freud

Strong Pull

A man from the far side of town
Had the look on his face of a frown
The cause for such gloom
I have to assume
Is gravity’s putting him down

Down Under

Come listen to my little tome
How a subway in DC is home
To Middle Earth guys
Of such a wee size
That people call them Metro gnomes

Right Tangles

I said to the daring young bloke
How triangles often evoke
Some feelings that please
When in small degrees
If they’re used to make acute joke
(Thanks to Sarah Glasser for the pun)

Buzz Words

With winter approaching now, mate
The bees are all lying in wait
They’ll go out on wing
The moment it’s spring
Until then they’ll just hivernate

The Shining

I said to my buddy named Russ
Three wise men who made such a fuss
For Bethlehem’s star
Had traveled quite far
Cuz it was the light before Christmas

Tenor More

I said to my good buddy Ringo,
“I’ll help you to learn opera lingo”
The term for a ringer
Or a “faux” opera singer
Is Mr. Placebo Domingo

The Vision Thing

Mythologically I can’t ignore
The Greeks and their legends of yore
Though respect you may send
To the gods, in the end
Cyclops is the one eye adore

Without Hang Ups

The buyer’s attention was snatched
By an offer that could not be matched
‘Twas for puppets, that’s clear
At a price that brought cheer
But each came with no strings attached

I Wood Too

“It is difficult being ignored”
“I may just go out of my gourd”
He is rather frank
That small wooden plank
Informing his friends he is board


Old Caesar was standing quite tall
In the conquest of Europe and all
His presence was felt
By every Celt
That guy really had a lot of Gaul

Feathered Nest

The littlest duck in the town
Has his face all arranged in a frown
This sad little guy
Is wondering why
All his clothing is just hand me down

Mental Floss

The director of bands has misplaced
His tooth cleaning tools in a haste
Then found in a rush
The missing toothbrush
But can’t find his tuba toothpaste


The band leader’s morals were lax
Directing the musical acts
So now he must mend
Up with his girlfriend
For seeking premarital sax

Slick on Top

A bald guy I met with today
Expressed clever things, I would say
Like you should beware
Of stealing his “hair”
Or else there will be hell toupee

John Deerest

When asked how he woos by an actor
The farmer described the prime factor
The main part of farming
That makes him so charming
Is connecting a plow to attract her
(repeat the last line aloud to “get it”)


The man with the car did inquire
Of the Goodyear employee named Meyer
Would he recommend that
They patch up the flat?
The advice was to simply retire

Hack Attack

When the piracy expert exploded
All the support that he had was eroded
The cause of the storm?
He tried to stay warm
By wearing a jacket “down-loaded”

No, No, and No

I’ve connected all of the dots
And now will share some of my thoughts
To people who might
Be feeling uptight
Inhibitions tie you up in nots

Pilot Lit

That famous cook sure got shortchanged
When his status as chef quickly changed
They said he went loco
From sniffing the cocoa
So now he’s completely de-ranged


I just spilled some omega threes
On myself, will I get a disease?
The stuff caused some harm
To part of my arm
I’ve got super fish oil injuries

Pay Purview

For this limerick, I encrypted a part
In the middle, not here at the start
To unlock, there’s a charge
Uibu xjmm cf very large
Or you can figure it out if you’re smart

For Freshman Orientation

Biochem is a place you will find
Where bio and chem are entwined
To add to your pleasure
There’s math for good measure
And physics to sharpen your mind

For Freshman Orientation

It’s important you know what to do
Now that you are at OSU
The profs giving talks
Are all kinds of docs
They’re not “Mr.” or “Mrs.” to you

For Freshman Orientation

And last, there’s this one simple fact
Moving forward, it may have impact
You are a believer
In Benny the Beaver
Those U of O folks are all quacked

Boomerang Line

This boomerang line is perverse
No way it could be any worse
Once it gets written down
It comes back I have found
This boomerang line is perverse

For a Scholarship Fund

It’s true on the special occasion
Of your very important donation
That the generous gift
Will truly truly uplift
Needy students here in Beaver Nation

For a Scholarship Fund

Remember when you take the call
A donation, no matter how small
Helps a kid stay in school
And it goes, as a rule
To the neediest ones of them all

For Freshman Orientation

From high school, you longed to be free
Now you’ve done that spectacularly
From all of our crew
Welcome to OSU
We’re happy you’re here in BB