Limericks

That auto repair shop makes sense
In claims it makes, for all intents
With letters quite bold
Their story is told
“Will You Please Let Us Have the Next Dents?”

I hope that this isn’t passé
But for song lyrics, hear what I say
You’re creating delight
In “Lion Sleeps Tonight”
When the urge is just a whim away

Now here is a good rule of thumb
If you bang your head, do not be dumb
Take it up with the court
And give your report
Then settle for one big lump sum

The language from old golfer Russ
Quite often creates a big fuss
The people complain
That it’s too profane
He says it is par for the cuss

A fruit announced he would treasure
Going out on the town for pleasure
But his friends disapproved
So he never moved
I guess he succumbed to pear pressure

My friends ask me, “Why, Kevin why?”
“Are you odd when your friends ever die?”
I say “Don’t feel bad.”
“I truly get sad”
“But I’m not a mourning kind of guy”

Old Santa is slowed down today
Because of a problem they say
With no way to guide
The reindeer tonight
There’s gonna be a big rein delay

On leaving the bay area disco
The outlandish artist named Christo
Did not take to fetching
His lovely new etching
So he left his art in San Francisco

The air traveler started to ponder
His mind – slowly starting to wander
He ordered a beer
To give him some cheer
Then flew into the wild brew yonder

In the pasture the shepherd atop
A hill watches over his crop
And stroking his beard
Says when they get sheared
They’ll go down to the baa baa shop

Corporate takeovers make for a mess
And the media’s affected, I guess
New York Times got just bought
Germans paid quite a lot
Now it’s an American Ex-press®

The oak in the spring’s joy is brief
Having weathered the long winter’s grief
When it makes the scene
All covered in green
There is a big sigh of re-leaf

The fisherman tells us on whole
About a new spiritual role
He finds it appealing
Performing some healing
With tartar sauce – good for the sole

That unusual man did astound
All the folks over there who have found
He does karaoke
And much hokey-pokey
And that’s how he turned himself around

The old Mafioso named Clyde
Took his evilness largely in stride
This rather big meanie
Would kill tortellini
Spraying it with a new pasta side

It’s true on the special occasion
Of your very important donation
That the generous gift
Will truly truly uplift
Needy students here in Beaver Nation

Though the ad campaign stated quite clear
How the clothiers hoped to appear
They had to refuse
And cancel the use
Of “Go Out & Get Your Aspen Gear”

To the audience the juggler said “screw it”
“Without gear I’m just not up to it”
“It’s a very sad fact”
“For my opening act”
“I’m lacking the balls now to do it”

I think that I made a big goof
And this verse provides all of the proof
In our house in Eugene
I put my trampoline
And that’s when my wife hit the roof

When Geronimo parachutes, see
He acts very strange, golly gee
At the top of his lungs
As if speaking in tongues
He screams rather loudly, “Meeeeeeeeee”

The soprano near here gets my vote
For things coming out of her throat
She’s often dismissed
As a big optimist
For leaving things on a high note

Scandinavian runners opined
They had raced with a very fast time
And in the next lane
Had beaten the Danes
In their race to the Finnish line

In the cafe a lonely Jamaican
Was having some eggs, juice and bacon
When a dung beetle came
And asked him by name
If his favorite stool had been taken

I’m sorry to share this sad news
Coming to us from old Santa Cruz
It seems there’s no more
In their liquor store
Cuz a ghost just stole all of the boos

A lobbyist people call Steve
Uses gospel to help him achieve
The things he wants, thus
It’s just like Christmas
Working so hard to give, then receive

The odd bunny rabbit named Paul
Was most unexpectedly small
The cause, I conclude
Is related to food
I think he does not carrot all

In their schools little fishies await
A subject they think is so great
They’re not in a path
To sign up for math
Instead most of them take debate

Of Cheerios I must complain
I do not like their new campaign
It seems they are cheating
By saying we’re eating
A food that is made from hole grain

The history of computing, you see
May be dated to times biblically
My buddy proposes
It goes back to Moses
The first guy to use “Control-C”

The server who calls herself Mabel
Is someone who’s very much able
She’s truly admired
They say she got hired
Cuz she brings a lot to the table

All that noise he makes preaching to choirs
Causes problems for church occupiers
Oh that monk loudly prays
Creating bouquets
That’s why we should stop florist friars

It certainly looks like a mess
How it got like this I cannot guess
Now the lady is saying
She may not be paying
The tailor with problems to a dress

The mummy is one kind of chap
Whose personal tastes are just crap
The movies he sees
Are always grade B’s
And his favorite music is wrap

Justin B. it is said will persist
Being picky of girls he will kiss
His fav’rite romancer?
A chemist and dancer
He’s quite fond of Rockette scientists

I hope you won’t think me berserk
Or that I’m some kind of a jerk
But Ms Miley Cyrus
Could never inspire us
By being for all men a twerk
(say the last line aloud to “get it”)

The octuplets’ mother and dad
Reflected on children they had
Their bundles of joys
Make ear piercing noise
So now they are stork raving mad

When the young Turkish chef hit the tree
On his cycle he died instantly
They created a spread
To honor him dead
And delivered it post-hummusly

The astronaut wore a big frown
For the ticket he’d gotten in town
Now he’s got a fine
He ran out of time
Cuz his parking meteor ran down

That guy with the phobia talks
Of ideas most unorthodox
His thinking is clear
But it sure appears
Claustrophobics think out of the box

My sheep herding buddy named Paul
Had thirty four sheep in a stall
He had to transport
To ship for export
I told him to get a ewe haul

My new Pomeranian’s sore
Caught his butt in a big swinging door
Instead of just hissing
About what is missing
He should go to a good retail store

Though his prep for the school was quite ample
Tom felt he’d been made an example
But the carpentry school
Had a very strict rule
He had to submit a stool sample

At the hardware store looming quite large
Is a promotion arriving in March
It may not go well
Clearing out Duracells
If the ad says they’re all free of charge

At a clothing exchange in Macao
An Indian woman showed how
She truly impresses
Swapping everyone’s dresses
What’s not certain is whose sari now?

Advertising to gents and to belles
Really works if the message excels
They get more receipts
Employing gametes
Because everyone knows – sex cells

In Japan, Fukushima’s condition
Brings calls for a new prohibition
Of food from the sea
Glowing in the debris
There’s a problem with nuclear fishin’

The bank teller went all berserk
Getting fired from being a clerk
The reason because
Of too many flaws
He kept losing interest at work

The teenager’s friends were all crowing
Of the show to which they were a-going
Jan worried that she
Would be absentee
Because she had parents all no-ing

The weather outside at the trail
Had wind at the force of a gale
Not sure if the pain
Was from freezing rain
All I know is that it hurt like hail

The Civil War soldier was shrieking
On hearing a voice he’d been seeking
It’s what he preferred
He craved every word
Twas his guy, General Lee speaking

A scarecrow in that big field of beans
Is a guy who’s pursuing his dreams
When asked of his calling
The guy started drawling
“Hay,” he said, “you know it’s in my jeans”

A limerick is not just a verse
With five lines, for better or worse
If you’re seeking some gold
For your writing, I’m told
That the pay can be truly per verse

His musical teacher was strikin’
Everything Amadeus was writin’
Who acted so mean?
This person unseen
The guy we are seekin’ is Haydn

The heavyweight boxer named Cook
Went walking alongside a brook
Being way too uptight
Got into a fight
When a fisherman threw him a hook

The Oreo treat is no dummy
Declaring that though he is yummy
He knows he is ill
Requiring a pill
Because he feels ever so crummy

The magician at sea known as Todd
Has a trick that’s incredibly odd
Putting fish on the deck
He says, “What the heck”
“Go ahead, pick a cod, any cod”

A clam in his watery home
Wrote an exercise book all alone
You have to admit
That he’s good at it
Because it’s a great mussel tome

The merry old jokester demurred
Declaring to him it occurred
That he needn’t thanks
From comedy ranks
A pun’s its own kind of re-word

The text on the message she saw
Was legal with lots of hoopla
And so it is clear
In court she’ll appear
A subpoena’s the letter of the law

At Halloween, dressed as MacBeth
I went trick or treating with Seth
The weirdest things, man?
Those ghosts in a can
Which just might scare-us-ol to death

A sculptor just got a big lift
At the end of a very long shift
The reason, I’d say
Is it’s his birthday
And his buddies chipped in on a gift

The behavior of ruffian Ben
Causes mayhem with all his bad zen
I think he will stop
The local Big Top
If he goes for the juggler again

Though the copper mining’s intense
It hasn’t too many contents
That means they can’t peddle
Very much of the metal
For the mint, it won’t make any cents

The latest opinion-type poll
Says Oregon’s out of control
Football – U of O
Marijuana – you know
And both of them “smoked in a bowl”

That new Samsung phone that you own
Has some problems, of which it is known
It cannot surprise
In an iPhone disguise
Since its cover’s already been blown

The leprechaun said to his aunt
In a cute little leprechaun chant
“Despite many gains”
“My confidence wanes”
“I just feel that I’m a leprecan’t”

The rainmaker named Ebenezer
Is certainly one big old geezer
His clients adore
How he makes it pour
I guess he must be a cloud pleaser

A casino that’s up in Great Falls
Will not dial a doc from its walls
So please use some care
When visiting there
Cuz the house will not make doctor calls

Perhaps it was too many stations
Or not quite enough nice vacations
No matter the shock
He’s not now a doc
Because he has lost all his patients

From my job I am ready to quit
I’ll retire and then get on with it
Should my bonds and my stocks
Go with me on walks?
Cuz they should be fiscally fit

I confess that I love my wife Janet
So I haul her all over the planet
Her love for tombstones
Is very well known
She wants me to take her for granite

Kim Jung Un’s got it made in the shade
Celebrations include a parade
Although things are crappy
The guy is quite happy
He’s signed an agreement on tirade

My goldfish is missing today
I’m sad that he’s just gone away
So where did he go?
My kitten may know
He’s a Persian of interest, I’d say

Two iPhones are sitting there thinking
Of the network to which they are linking
“Is my buddy like me”
“Can he see what I see?”
“Are you synching what I’m synching?”

The husband of my sister Heather
Just cannot get his act together
He’s getting derision
For much indecision
This guy is so under the whether

A trip ‘cross the south in a Lexus
Was my buddy’s new plan that would vex us
He said, “Mark the minute”
“That we all begin it”
“So we know how long that it Texas”

On opening the pod I did see
A green thing roll out under me
It’s gone now, I swear
I have to declare
That sure was a wee escapea

That ham down the road so matured
Is safe now, his friends have assured
When sick with a cold
He scared them ten-fold
By asking how he could be cured

At the coop on the farm, morning rays
Bother chickens in rather odd ways
Near the end of the week
Their outlooks are bleak
Because all of them dread fry days

Captain Cook in the land of Belize
Took some classes to gain expertise
His learning was poor
He’s not there anymore
Because he just made seven C’s

I said to a pig farming dude
“My aim here is not to be crude”
“But if I should eat”
“Your little pig’s feet”
“Would you say that I had toe-food?”

Global warming is one paradigm
Making headlines – this subject is prime
Antarctica’s delirious
And takes it quite serious
Though it’s cracking up all of the time

When in Paris I sometimes will traipse
To one of its well known escapes
Cuz the food there is free
But it’s eerie to me
This place, it just gives me the crêpes

The boy candle wondered if whether
He should ask the girl candle Heather
To ride in his car
Out under the stars
So they can both go out together

The officer leading the war
Kicked the private right out of the door
He rated selection
For Major rejection
Because he was rotten to the corps

I’m writing with sad news of Terry
Who just passed away, it was scary
He gave up the ghost
While out at the coast
So they wrote an o-beach-uary

The cook did quite suspiciously
Make pancakes expeditiously
With no berries or cream
For his gourmet cuisine
And served all of them syruptitiously

At the bull fighting match just today
A discovery was made that will pay
It’s really quite thrilling
When they were out drilling
They discovered some oil of olé

When sleeping I have admiration
For the visual anticipation
The dreams are much fuller
If they are in color
A pigment of my imagination

The contender screwed up – had to scratch
He’d have won but for only one catch
The opponent he dealt
A blow ‘neath the belt
But ‘twasn’t a strike anywhere match

A definition I heard made a splash
And here I will slowly rehash
If you suffer spasm
On hearing sarcasm
It may be a case of quip lash

That skunk over there by the fence
Has a problem that’s rather immense
The little guy’s plight?
He’s not very bright
And seems to have no common scents

At the hatchery, items for sale
Get delivered each day, never fail
If customers ask
Will orders come fast
They’re told that the chick’s in the mail

I’ve heard she complains rather often
And her words always sting, never soften
Dracula’s wife has desire
To not be so tired
But can’t sleep because of his coffin

The top Wheel of Fortune banana
Told a crowd while out in Montana
That he gets delight
Darn near every night
Cuz it’s a great feeling, near Vanna

We must break up, I came to decide
From my girlfriend for what I espied
What caused this decision?
Her peripheral vision
She was seeing many guys on the side

I’m gonna report just the facts
Of my buddy, the lumberjack Max
It seems he got canned
The move was unplanned
Instead they just gave him the axe

Consider the flowering mum
All dry sitting out in the sun
It said to its potter
“I can’t absorb water”
“So I must request a xylem”

A car dealer wearing a fez
Sells German cars up in Valdez
His selling techniques
Come out when he speaks
“Audi® partner,” is what this guy says

A sailor who got his paycheck
Says he’s feeling madder than heck
Because a big joker
Has stopped all the poker
He’s just sitting there on the deck
(Thanks to Indira for the pun)

If I could I would like to borrow
Attention to cheer up some sorrow
Your spirits I’ll promote
With a new Fedex joke
That you will probably get tomorrow

Now hear my shoe story, I beg
It has truly been a good egg
There sure is no doubt
That it’s wearing out
I’m afraid it is on its last leg

The big event of eight-twenty one
Will sure be a great deal of fun
And all over town
Let’s put our drinks down
A teetotal eclipse of the sun

I’m sorry but I have to insist
That guy is someone to resist
Sexism du jour
From your new masseur
Means he’s a real massagynist

The young Irish botanist, Buck
Pulled a shamrock from out of the muck
And then this young bloke
Crossed it with poison oak
So he’d have a rash of good luck

The face of that boy is so dour
And I know what is making him sour
He’s very uptight
For Lassie tonight
Cuz mom says she made collie flour

The watchmaker caused folks to cuss
It was an incredible fuss
The prob – they went blotto
At his brand new motto
“If it doesn’t tick, tock to us”

I heard it right straight from the source
I’m sure it is true, yes of course
The stoners are pleased
They split up with ease
And got joint custody in divorce

In Kansas, the farmers demand
Lots of work out of every hired hand
That’s the way it has been
I will say it again
They live off the flat of the land

I don’t think that I would advise it
You’d better just simply revise it
Your book on sword fighters
Could be somewhat tighter
But please do not go Samurais it

The gadget guy truly is king
So his praises I loudly now sing
The invention of note?
A universal remote
It’s going to change everything

The car owner started inquiring
When performance became uninspiring
His Michelin man
Had a different plan
Recommending the car for re-tire-ing

The dentist DC took a pencil
Expressing the case fundamental
When one’s pulling the teeth
Of Commander in Chief
You really should be Presi-dental

The glow worms are saying tonight
Their relationship’s really airtight
They were from the start
Entwined at the heart
I guess it was larva first sight

Harassment I’m really against
I say it should not have commenced
So I’ve made a word
That a senator spurred
You saw it here first – al-frankencensed

That building demolisher Lex
Always goes in the house first and checks
That his efforts won’t smother
A boy or his mother
When he deals with edifice wrecks

Although I am making great strides
I still do not like my outsides
Perhaps I should look
At that new diet book
I’m needing some words to the wides

A tomato and hat both well bred
Were standing outside by the shed
Said the juicy red fruit
To the hat looking cute
“I’ll ketchup if you’ll go on a head”

I heard it and know it is so
From Maine down to old Mexico
When you lack circumspection
And dish out rejection
It’s all about people you “no”

There’s news at the mall Office Max
So I’m gonna give you all the facts
When buying cork board
You’ve always adored
They’re going to charge a thumb tax

With a work load way up past his ears
The woodworker stripped all his gears
He began to feel ill
Then sat on a drill
And it seems to have bored him to tears

It’s odd if you ever should choose
To hear lions expressing their views
So how do these kings
Stay on top of all things?
By just keeping up with the gnus

I’m stating right here my defense
Cuz the logic to some won’t make sense
In the camp I can’t “run”
I must “ran” to have fun
Everything in the park’s done past tents

A game hunter out on a hunt
Did not mean to be quite so blunt
When asked to confirm
He liked pachyderms
He said said it was irrelephant

An Idaho spud farmer Brock
Gave his wife an unusual talk
He said that by ten
He can’t farm the glen
So he needs a potato clock
(You may need to say the last line out loud)

The grizzly is overly stressed
After his rather shocking arrest
The charge is exposure
Now he’s seeking closure
They say he was just bearly dressed

A shoplifting thief in our lab
Took all of the glassware we had
Although he’d been warned
Our advice was just scorned
He sure had a great gift of grab

At first it might seem rather queer
Corn farmers and sailors as peers
It’s not that abstract
Consider this fact
Each one can charge one buck an ear

A wonderful guy named Greg Goff
Had a girlfriend quite lovely and soft
The word is that Greg
With one wooden leg
Is sad because she broke it off
(Thanks to Robert Baldwin for the pun)

A short lady I will call “Peg”
Made a comment that sure laid an egg
She said that she flirts
By wearing short skirts
To go and show off a little leg

When a tank at the dairy today
Broke apart one wet worker did say
“I need to move on”
“From this cheesy spawn”
“I don’t like to stand in the whey”

The invisible man at the gym
Decided to go for a swim
At least that’s the word
That I overheard
I was too busy to see him

For a dating partner to stick
You oughta try this online trick
The best kind of suitor
That’s found on computer
Is someone with whom you just click

Now that it is over the drought
The oak has left us with no doubt
His plan is longstanding
With business expanding
He’s certainly gonna branch out

The Catwoman went out and stole
The City of Gotham’s payroll
But the judge was a sport
When she got to court
And just let her off on purrole

When I learned of one fact I said “wow”
Cuz I know the secret right now
I could, if you please
Make lots of Swiss cheese
If I had just one holey cow

I made a mistake, I can see
With that lady who’s known as Marie
I misplaced in her palm
Superglue for lip balm
So now she’s not speaking to me

The amphibian numbers today
Keep shrinking biologists say
Now some are remarking
Their very bad parking
Is the reason they got toad away

King Tut had many a detractor
His bad back was likely a factor
He’d oft try to gain
Relief from the pain
By visiting his Cairo-practer

Descartes disappeared in the mist
When wondering “Do I exist?”
He said, “It depends,”
“How this limerick ends”

The young Swedish surgeon named Bjorn
Was getting quite bored and forlorn
But now he feels groovy
From renting a movie
His favorite one – “A Scar is Born”

When their manual needed correction
Smith and Wesson did not raise objection
See, it is a fact
The thing that it lacked
Was only a trouble-shooting section

All hybrid car owners adore it
Its success has been most meteoric
That Toyota car
Has gone very far
Its history? Quite Priustoric

The gymnast most proper and prim
Said her boyfriend was not just a whim
He seemed to her of course
Like a large pommel horse
And that’s why she’s flipped over him

The Mexican markets, said Hutch
Are places for good deals and such
It’s sure worth your trying
These places for buying
Cuz there you will not peso much

I guess that the truth can be told
Some comments leave me in the cold
Like my urologist, Chris
Who on phone just dismissed
Me by asking, I quote “Can you hold?”

Honeybees on their vacation
Found themselves in a “must” situation
None of them seemed to know
Where the group ought to “go”
Til they got to a big BP station

The shoplifter’d have us believe
That he didn’t come in and thieve
But at my candy store
When he walked out the door
He had a few Twix up his sleeve

If Mr. Twain a veggie had been
He’d have written a story wherein
The stars would be lads
Without any dads
Tom Soya and Huckleberry Finn

An expert on sleeping named Ted
Raised a ruckus with what he just said
He claimed that his view
Is certainly true
That tall people sleep longer in bed

I don’t know the hows, whys or whens
Their lawyer gave no clear defense
The rumor we hear it’s
They locked up the spirits
For lack of a haunting license

That vegetable band down the street
Is playing some tunes really neat
When things are too slow
They add some tempo
To do this, they turnip the beet

At the bookstore I asked timidly
For some help to get phobia-free
The clerk pointed to
A brand new review
But I fear that it may not help me

Every time my shoes dampen, my goal’s
To keep water out of their holes
At the end of this caper
I’ll stand on newspaper
Cuz it is the Times that dries men’s soles

For comics, the truth is well known
From France to Sierra Leone
It isn’t the timing
Or even the rhyming
A pun’s at its best when full groan

The bird that they gave my friend Larry
Floats up in the air like a fairy
I guess you should know
It saved him some dough
Because no perch is necessary

The King standing there by the moat
Is not getting wet and I note
That though it is drizzling
The king is not fizzling
Because he has on a reign coat

“It’s the future,” I said in summation
To my ex of a new complication
But it didn’t last
She brought up the past
It made for a “tense” conversation

A violation of Sir Isaac was found
By Megan on her way to the ground
She’s not in Smithereens
Because on trampolines
What goes down must go up then go down

The church lady prim in her bonnet
Ordered salad, but now has withdrawn it
The lettuce’s dressing
Caused her to be stressing
They need to go put cloves upon it

At the reptilian show at the zoo
They promised us something brand new
What they had made me gasp
An incredible asp
They revealed in a big snake preview

At the beach, the couple was mad
Because the boxed waffle they had
Got dropped and was gritty
It sure wasn’t pretty
Yes, their Sandy Eggo was bad

“I am at the top of the list”
That loud Swedish man did insist
The world’s always been
In a spin around him
According to this Norsissist

What that Christian guy most truly knows is
A fact and not a psychosis
Who led Jews out of Spain?
Through flimsy membranes?
‘Twas a guy by the name of osMoses

Miss Muffett handled quite well
The message in Satan’s bombshell
Regarding the curds
He had some good words
But then said “There’s no whey in hell”

A watcher of birds that I know
Has a picture that he likes to show
A black bird, it’s true
To a wall got stuck to
I guess ’twas some kind of velcrow

Perhaps it was heavenly love
Or some coincidences thereof
That gave Matt a ‘B’
In trigonom’try
He thinks ‘twas a sine from above

I asked at the farm, all aflutter
Of the farmer out churning the butter
Why a milking stool, see
Has legs just of three
He said that the cow has the udder

The offer was great, it would seem
Too good to be true, like a dream
But the email’s description
Was clearly Egyptian
So I knew ‘twas a pyramid scheme

The spooky old ghost Mr. Smith
Declares he has taken the fifth
But I think this smarty
Avoided the party
Cuz he had no body to go with

The man in the shower named Brent
Is exclaiming with big discontent
Seems his bathroom fan
Isn’t working again
I guess he’s just needing to vent

I discovered whenever my boss
Spoke of diet he ended up cross
I looked up for him
A good synonym
Now I’m at a word for a loss

Consider vegetarian Jim
Whose take on astronomy is grim
Seems he often cowers
At Perseid showers
Because they are meteor to him

On the train did the stewardess poll
All the Catholics on nightly patrol
Letting them make decisions
For sleeping positions
Cuz she knew they’d refuse berth control

The henchmen were getting annoyed
From a technique their boss had employed
It’s so psychological
But rather illogical
The gangster? He’s Pretty Boy Freud

A furniture kingpin was snappy
“He’s the best,” said his wife, sounding sappy
And that is quite good
As I understood
Because he is Sofa King happy

There was a big prob in the loo
And the bar owner knew what to do
The serial number
He gave to the plumber
Was 1-4U-2-PN2

When Keiko made children all swoon
The timing was most opportune
Seems his exhibition
Increased the admission
He sure was a whale of fortune

I’m pleased for my buddy named Walt
Who finally has reached a gestalt
By paying the loan
For his catacomb
He can say it’s forever his vault

Prince Charles had some major dismay
He’d be king, but for one in the way
When everyone screamed
“Long live the queen!”
It meant there will be reign delay

The zaniest thing I have seen
Involved a winged honeybee, Jean
She gets lots of buzz
The reason? Because
She is a true comb humming queen

For this limerick, I encrypted a part
In the middle, not here at the start
To unlock, there’s a charge
Uibu xjmm cf very large
Or you can figure it out if you’re smart

My buddy is feeling malaise
At his programming job by the bay
He feels incomplete
The word on the street
Is that he did not get arrays

A fellow was blowing his stack
From opening his mouth up to yak
Now he cannot freshen
His breath with discretion
Cuz he dropped on his toe the tic-tac

George Washington, feeling contrary
Went whacking and cut down a cherry
There sure was surprise
In his father’s eyes
Watching Georgie hatchet the berry

The butler the police interviewed
Forgot his false teeth and is screwed
Got arrested right there
He hasn’t a prayer
For doing undentured servitude

At the hardware store here in our town
There’s a rumor that’s going around
It seems there is clamor
The cost of a hammer
Is gonna be charged by the pound

I get tired of the negative rants
And so I have taken a stance
From now, I insist
That these pessimists
Will get a swift kick in the can’ts

The buyer’s attention was snatched
By an offer that could not be matched
‘Twas for puppets, that’s clear
At a price that brought cheer
But each came with no strings attached

I think that we all should excuse
That artist o’er there drinking booze
They’ve broken his heart
And stolen his art
Now Lautrec has nothing Toulouse

The man at the Coke machine said
He must have been somehow misled
He doesn’t need knowledge
That comes from a college
His plans are to just teach fizz ed

I guess I will make the admission
Those Tic-Tacs are not good nutrition
But one thing is true
They’re almost like new
In fact, they are in mint condition

A watchmaker got in a bind
The stresses made him almost blind
I hope the occasion
Of a two week vacation
Will give him some time to unwind

Quasimodo was thinking one night
That discussion concerning his plight
Was most immature
Though he wasn’t sure
But Quaz had a hunch he was right

Out camping old Al Capone went
The gangster and big malcontent
He claims he went there
To breathe outdoor air
I say it was criminal in tent

The guillotine guy in reflection
Realized he must make a correction
The townspeople scurry
Cuz all of them worry
He’d beheaded in their direction