One Liner

At coin operated slot machines, they need change for the bettor

Dorothy’s dog’s shadow made a Toto eclipse of the sun

Great donut shop name – Amazing Glaze

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

Shoes are soled in pairs

Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

Grouchy people have baditudes

Prison is a word and also a sentence

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

Classical musicians use the Handel bars

I just bought a painting by that fancy new artist – SavingsandLoansy

Diamond companies mine their own business

The nose of a sheep is one point of ewe

Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

Negative people get all tied up in nots

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles

When a chef dies, mourners say “Recipes”

Headline – Guru Hired to Settle Labor Dispute
Subtext – Transcendental Mediation

The streaker gave his friend a bare hug

Velcro is a ripoff 

I lactose genes for digesting milk

Kung Flu infects martial artists

The formula for holy water – H2OMG

Hot Dog Shop Name – Mustard’s Last Stand

Cave doors had a Stonehinge

Ham soup is an add hock meal

Pulses advance when advances are not repulsed

Voyeurs are high on stareoids

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

With Christmas coming, it’s time to brush up on your buyology

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

A mermaid is a lady in wading

My jokes are like vaccines – not everyone gets them

Asthma: the wheezin’ for the season 

Socrates didn’t do so well with the Hemlock Maneuver

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

All seasons are distinct.  Summer warmer than others

Perfumes get made in an olfactory

June weddings come in bridal waves

Pediatricians have very little patients

Religion is just a conspiracy theory shrouded in holiness

All men are cremated equal

Headline – Sperm Bank Opens 3 Years Late
Subtext – Long Time No Seed

Swashbuckling insects – The Three Mosquiteers

Merchants report drones are flying off the shelves 

Boxing in Helsinki is a fight to the Finnish

Lumberjacks are a bunch of hackers

Soda machines are coiniverous

When the deaf and blind fight, senseless violence occurs

Elderly Inuits are geriarctics

Power outages are delightful

The Romaine empire fell when Brutus kaled Caesar

After she got him a Lawn Boy, he loved her mower

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

Fisherman’s knives are made to scale

Paying with a credit card is a buy pass operation

Supervise – when you tell someone what to do with their vise

Barbers are shearholders

The military police chief is the Searchin’ General 

Bomb defusing is mined altering

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

Under table footsie is just play toe

Ganders are part of a goosian distribution

I put my phone on vibrate to get text massages

My chances of understanding binary are one in a Boolean

Samuel Morse dashed off many letters

Squeezing a sponge ball too hard can cause Nerf damage

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

Balloons hate pop music

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

The toothless cow wanted to eat, but cudn’t 

Headline – Anatomical Find Distresses Theologians
Subtext – God Only Nose

Elephant bathrooms require heavy doody cleaners

A marijuana investor is a spender in the grass

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

When my bank account has money, I suffer withdrawal

Tie dye sales are hippie hunting grounds

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

Old Navy opens early and clothes late

Harry and Meghan’s Departure was a Reign Drain

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

Junk food consumers are eatiots 

Headline – Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext – Helmut Cold

Finding good Indian food is a naan issue

When police pulled out all the stops, traffic changed

The smaller seesaw is the petiter totter

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

You can catch Sisyphus from a boulder

Respiratory therapy clinics are breathing grounds for pneumonia sufferers

‘R’ is a ringleader

The soap thief made a clean getaway

I never mezzo soprano I didn’t like 

The older I get, the more I see people dressing me with their eyes

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

He was so ugly, people would dim their lights when he came to visit

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at

The thickness of my book is a long story

After the coffin accident there was a rehearsal

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

It rains so much in Oregon, bell ringers work for the Salvation Navy

I got in trouble for saying my wife’s expensive new pants were a huge waste

Depends is part of the wetness protection program 

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Endless love – when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis

Synchronized swimmers are a splash mob

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

Hyperbaric chambers provide a little breathing room

The Head of Military Police is the Searchin’ General

People who stand too close are nearcissists

Chickens digest food with henzymes

Pregnant women are the ultimate body builders

Talented pirates fly the Skill and Crossbones

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol

A library is a multi-story building

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

Headline – Bo Derek Gives Rules for Living
Subtext – The “10” Commandments

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

Old lovers are very romantique

Kids get coronavirus on the plague grounds

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?

An econoclast tears down beliefs cheaply 

Leaving my estate to my father made him my heir, a parent

The old protestor’s youth was just a dissident memory

When I write, I column as I see umn

A divorce court can offer affair trial

Lumberjacks have don’t have many chopping days til Christmas

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Scholars of holy books celebrate Joy to the Word 

Funny straight lines run parallol

The old grouch likes antisocial media

Writing “Walla Walla” is stereotyping

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

When gambling is outlawed, only outlaws will be abetting

For Catholics, wine is the opiate of their masses

Reynolds is good for a wrap session

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

Marijuana smoking pigeons have high coos

After I ate only salads, my bowel movements became highly arugula

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Seamstresses have sewnar

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

A sand child is a son of a beach 

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

I’m the worst person in the world at avoiding hyperbole

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

Beauty is only skin deep.  Thank goodness I’m thick skinned 

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

Antibiotics never go viral

Wayward leaves end up in the gutter

Beauticians offer comb improvement

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

Experience is not hereditary

My sister’s talkative husband is my blather in law 

A urinal cake is a piscuit 

I have a big food fatish

My bank account is suffering from cashtration

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up

Do pennies from heaven mean change is in the air?

When beavers sleep, they gnawed off