One Liner


Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Easy Treed

Great name for a tree surgeon business – Poplar Mechanics

Seeking Help

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

Head Lying

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

Oxy Dyes

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Water Power

Tears – hydraulic power capable of moving the hardest heart

CD Romp

At some record stores, all sales are vinyl 

Head Lying

Headline – Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext – Helmut Cold

Holy Cow

Elsie the cow is a beast of Borden


Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy


The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Head Lying

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

Never Forget

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

More or Less

Oxymorons are of increasingly lesser importance


I didn’t save money for a trip to Mexico, so now I  Can’tcun

Cut Ups

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons


Time wasters are clock suckers


Inquisitive children do multi-asking

Old Salts

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Radio Octave

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

Well Heeled

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Hybrid Vigor

The Volkswagen on my lobe is a German engine earring


Guys too focused on their maleness are egotestical

Head Lying

Headline – Former Sec. of State Endorses Laxative
Subtext – Colon Pow!

Climbing High

Extraterrestrial painters say “Take me to your ladder”

You First

When you’re in a couples art class, someone has to draw the line


The new black hole investigation did not shed any light on the subject

Hold It

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water


Male chickens in England = rorcesters

British Empire

The period leading up to Britain ruling the seas was the Phase that Launched a Thousand Ships

Reci Peace

German corn dog cookbook:  “From Batter to Wurst”

Anchors a Weigh

It rains so much in Oregon, bell ringers work for the Salvation Navy

No Cooking Zone

When the Chinese cook got injured, the doctor said he may never wok again 

Big Differential

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

Say Hay

The skinny bull never knew his fodder

Happy New Year

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Head Lying

Headline – New Fish Finder Patented
Subtext – Herring Aid

Sea Foam

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide


Egotists are me-deep in conversation

Leg Show

The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg, but Nefertiti


Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

Frequent Filer

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles


For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

Neander Tall

He was surprisingly bipedal for someone of his intelligence

Folded Up

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Big Bang

Musically, the Big Bang began with Beatle haircuts


Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Blanked Out

Thoughtless people – what won’t they think of next


When a chef dies, mourners say “Recipes”

EZ Clean

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Head Lying

Headline – Religious Dairy Farmers Meet
Subtext – Cheeses, Christ

Punny Hose

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

Roto Rooter

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Cat Call

Cat veterinarians are purramedics 

Blow Up

When the COVID guy sneezed, he got sued for aerosolt and battery


The mocking humor of a clever knight is known as sircasm

No Cal

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

Footing the Ball

When I accidentally kicked on third down, it was no punt intended

High Notes

Famous musicians are notable personalities

Giving Up

There was so much laundry to do, I threw in the towel

Booking It

If Disney made War and Peace, they would call it Tolstory

Oy Vey

People using Yiddish expressions are oysters

Clothes Minded

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

Soap Opera

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

Head Lying

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Blade Runner

Lawngevity – The number of days you can go between mowings

Do the Math

Sixty is the new forty, but there’s a big difference. Twenty.

Head Lying

Headline – Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext – Seesickness


When Ling-Ling and her friends got sick, it was a pandamic

Weight On Me

Two appliances make your clothes shrink – dryers and refrigerators

If Then

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Urly Riser

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

Face It

The Mt. Rushmore sculptor was a George Washington Carver

Crunch Time

Traffic fatalities = death in the fast lane

Dawn Deal

Sunrise in London produces English li


With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

Unhappy Glider

The unhappy glider pilot who finished the race last was a soar loser

Inner Self

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

Bungee Cord

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

Getting Waisted

I got in trouble for saying my wife’s expensive new pants were a huge waste

Coined Phrase

At coin operated slot machines, they need change for the bettor


That new book on black holes really drew me in


I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

Head Lying

Headline – Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext – Chrysler Imperil


He’s so inarticulate, he lost a fight with his mother tongue

Head Lying

Headline – Motor Pool Advice Given
Subtext – Drive Carfully


My sister’s talkative husband is my blather in law 

Make an Offer

Ghosts in the market for real estate go house haunting

Food Truck

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

Who Nose?

Nostrildamus – a seer who predicts plastic surgery results

Give me a Belt

On no-pants day in England, London’s britches are falling down 

Eat it Up

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming


The first Christmas mass came with a weigh in a manger

Roll the Dice

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea


For some, marijuana treatments are a medi-sin

Fire Away

Vaccines give you viral immuneition

Stick to It

At the fork in the road – no parking, any tine

Hard Times

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Head Lying

Headline – Dairy farmers celebrate at local pub
Subtext – A Round About Whey

Getting a Buzz

The route to the porch light was passed on by word of moth


The nun attacker kicked the habit

Head Lying

Headline – Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext – ET&T


A calendar’s days are numbered

Going Ape

Fay Wray biography? – “The Kong and I”


If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

Big Deal

Card games on submarines involve a lot of bridge under the water


Lumberjacks have don’t have many chopping days til Christmas

Brewed Awakening

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Bottled Up

The medium Pepsi bottle was the Liter Of The Pack

If Then

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic