One Liner

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

When police pulled out all the stops, traffic changed

Soda machines are coiniverous

Great name for a tree surgeon business – Poplar Mechanics

Hippies were hairy pot-ters

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

An army dentist is a drill sergeant

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

Do-it-yourself electronics store – Ohm Depot

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Prison entrepreneurs are sell mates

Tears – hydraulic power capable of moving the hardest heart

Some minds are like feathers, easily blown

When the avocado truck crashed, there were guackers all around

Hamburger is made from the ground up

The lumberjack cut himself in an axe ident

At some record stores, all sales are vinyl 

Headline – Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext – Helmut Cold

Elsie the cow is a beast of Borden

Voyeurs are high on stareoids

Facemasks are really coughy filters

Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

Pediatricians have very little patients

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

Oxymorons are of increasingly lesser importance

Disney clothing = Upparel

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons

Viking ships were Fjord Explorers

Time wasters are clock suckers

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

I brew tea infusiastically

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

The Volkswagen on my lobe is a German engine earring

Cave doors had a Stonehinge

Spiders and mice make up the eek-o-system

Multi-story shopping malls are sell towers 

Headline – Former Sec. of State Endorses Laxative
Subtext – Colon Pow!

Strolling America today is a walk on the riled side

A COVID vaccine is good to put in the coughers

Big noses run in my family

Extraterrestrial painters say “Take me to your ladder”

When you’re in a couples art class, someone has to draw the line

The stolen bag thief’s trial was a brief case

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

Male chickens in England = rorcesters

German corn dog cookbook:  “From Batter to Wurst”

Pain is unBayerable without aspirin 

Interior designers are roomatologists

Velcro is a ripoff 

It rains so much in Oregon, bell ringers work for the Salvation Navy

When the Chinese cook got injured, the doctor said he may never wok again 

Great line – “I miss you like an idiot misses the point”

When you lose a Zoom connection, you must re-Zoom

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

The skinny bull never knew his fodder

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Headline – New Fish Finder Patented
Subtext – Herring Aid

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

Equine veterinarians work in horsepitals

What do anxious butterflies get in their stomachs?

Santa keeps clothes in his Clauset

Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

Diamond companies mine their own business

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles

A string bikini is the bottom line

For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

He was surprisingly bipedal for someone of his intelligence

Skydivers solve problems by troublechuting

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Musically, the Big Bang began with Beatle haircuts

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Thoughtless people – what won’t they think of next

When a chef dies, mourners say “Recipes”

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

English major’s breakfast – eggs over easily 

Headline – Religious Dairy Farmers Meet
Subtext – Cheeses, Christ

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Airplanes need hanger management 

Cat veterinarians are purramedics 

When the COVID guy sneezed, he got sued for aerosolt and battery

Drummers are very cymbal minded

Human evolution was caused by primate change

A hypnotist is a tranceformer

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

When I accidentally kicked on third down, it was no punt intended

A tug of war is an awful apulling idea

Ponzi was a pyramid Earther

There was so much laundry to do, I threw in the towel

People using Yiddish expressions are oysters

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

My bank account is suffering from cashtration

Noel Coward is afraid of Christmas

To make a lung story short, smoking will kill you

Birds have an egg sit strategy

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

Constipation is diabowelical

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Headline – Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext – Seesickness

Jewish nudists celebrate bare mitzvah

When Ling-Ling and her friends got sick, it was a pandamic

My computer has the Spamish flu

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Paper shreaders are tearists

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

The Mt. Rushmore sculptor was a George Washington Carver

Traffic fatalities = death in the fast lane

Bad poets commit rhymes against humanity

A good horror film has cringe benefits

Puppy sale – Buy one, get one flea

Music videos are full of JLo shots

Sunrise in London produces English li

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

A closed mouth gathers no foot

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

Leaving my estate to my father made him my heir, a parent

The cucumber played the dill piccolo

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

I got in trouble for saying my wife’s expensive new pants were a huge waste

At coin operated slot machines, they need change for the bettor

That new book on black holes really drew me in

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

Headline – Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext – Chrysler Imperil

He’s so inarticulate, he lost a fight with his mother tongue

Headline – Motor Pool Advice Given
Subtext – Drive Carfully

My sister’s talkative husband is my blather in law 

The best pickle was the dill of the century 

Typochondriacs fear mistakes

Ghosts in the market for real estate go house haunting

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

Ants with malaise = Melancolony

Magicians are super dupers

Flightless birds are unflappable

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

On no-pants day in England, London’s britches are falling down 

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

My wisecracking garden tool – Phyllis Tiller

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

Bulky underwear is the bottom line

Freud was the Wizard of Ids

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

Curling irons offer permanent solutions to hairy problems

Atheists have no invisible means of support

For some, marijuana treatments are a medi-sin

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

Vaccines give you viral immuneition

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Endless love – when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis

Headline – Dairy farmers celebrate at local pub
Subtext – A Round About Whey

The route to the porch light was passed on by word of moth

I’m so old I need a generation app

The nun attacker kicked the habit

Headline – Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext – ET&T

A calendar’s days are numbered

Fay Wray biography? – “The Kong and I”

If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

Squeezing juice from a battery means pressing charges

They like to stream horror movies on Huluween

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

Card games on submarines involve a lot of bridge under the water

Lumberjacks have don’t have many chopping days til Christmas

The Head of Military Police is the Searchin’ General