Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish
Bach to Bach
Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee
See a random verse: Limericks | Lyrics Science | Lyrics Non-Science | Silly | Silly Long
Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee
Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence
STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute
The fattest place in America? Obecity
Constipation is diabowelical
Lechers like belle bottoms
The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol
Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed
My bank account is suffering from cashtration
A bashful one-eyed monster is a shyclops
My New Year’s Resolution this year? 300 dpi
Freud was the Wizard of Ids
Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook
Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis
Birds in Valdez, AK wake up oily every morning
At some record stores, all sales are vinyl
Cancer doctors are oncallogists
Bad fortune telling isn’t prophetable
Happiness is a better pill to swallow
The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals
Retirement is not working for me
Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)
Power stealers are joule thieves
Old shoppers never die, they just sale away
When I write, I column as I see umn
The arsonist got a lighter sentence
Ear worm protection involves heard immunity
Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses
Mathematicians at Halloween – “Trig or Treat”
Pilots are plane people
The Windows® guy was a real pane
The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas
The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia
I have a big food fatish
When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up
Charles Schulz’s auto is in the shop for cartooning
Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car
In books, I tend to be a heroine addict
The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”
I’m aFreud of my mother
Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache
Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia
Biblical fortune tellers are Psalm readers
Cave doors had a Stonehinge
Ants with malaise = Melancolony
When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve
OSU People – Friends With Bennies
Male chickens in England = rorcesters
Saliva is a word that rolls off the tongue
Microwave – what kids do when Aunt Bad Breath leaves
Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem
Supervise – when you tell someone what to do with their vise
The boxer kept following his manager’s instructions. “Hit, hit, hit . . . . “ and then he stopped because there was no punch line
People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards
Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat
Interior designers are roomatologists
When my stomach got better, it was a big missed ache
Obsession with shopping can be all consuming
Kidney stones are peebles
Do liars get sent to court forgery duty?
At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts
My diet doctor’s one word advice: “Fondon’t”
Jelly filling is a good roll middle
Ibuprofanity – what you say when your Advil doesn’t work
Clucking is fowl language
Autocorrect is my biggest enema
Drummers are very cymbal minded
A crazy crow is a raven maniac
Potatoes that turn against you are traitor tots
The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge
Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical
A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty
Writing “Walla Walla” is stereotyping
The Spanish word for cat should be ‘purrito’
Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns
Two elephants in a pond are swimming trunks
Dracula was a hemosexual
Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming
Wayward leaves end up in the gutter
An econoclast tears down beliefs cheaply
Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork
At the pizzeria, the best cutters are given the Piece Prize
Lumber mills have board meetings
Count Guacula sucks at avocados
Hippies were hairy pot-ters
An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream
Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment
Math pain comes from fibromyalgebra
Invisible lettuce – Romaines to be seen
In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic
Headline – Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext – Seesickness
Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep
Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins
You have a right to be stupid. Don’t abuse the privilege
For sale: 2020 planner – never used
Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?
Birds have an egg sit strategy
Spamish flu is caused by junk email
My computer has the Spamish flu
To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune
Guavas fall because of guavity
Inquisitive children do multi-asking
Psychiatrists have mental detectors
Long hikes are really wanderful
When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important
Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape
The very busy guy was missing inaction
Ghosts wear ghoulashes
My medical book had its appendix removed
String theory is very knotty
Big noses run in my family
The lock of hair went out with a bang
The Maytag Repairman is an agitator
For parents, because is a word to the whys
Catholic photographers are often Canonized
The swimming pool has a long wading list
Is a person who’s a below average bore interesting?
Anyone who smoked a new year’s eve joint ended the year on a high note
Circus clowns often socially diss tents
Amazement is a brush with the awe
Bakers believe in flour power
Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right
When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron
Soda makers have a “Can Dew” attitude
Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?
Atheists have no invisible means of support
Orthodontists are denture capitalists
A divorce court can offer affair trial
Sunrise in London produces English li
The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit
A fashionable Doberman is an avant guard dog
Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings
Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men
Pediatricians have very little patients
Placebos are transcendental medications
He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea
30 days of ice cream make a month of sundaes
When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations
Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist
Toilet paper makers consider the end user
Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale
Guillotines work at breakneck speed
The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters
Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from
Hair conditioner users are either haves or have knots
The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash
Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative
New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook
A Viking ship is a Fjord Explorer
Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields
All seasons are distinct. Summer warmer than others
People who stand too close are nearcissists
Viagra is marketed to hillbillies as “Mount an’ Do”
The new black hole investigation did not shed any light on the subject
Ripping up pillows really gets me down
A false prophet – Impostradamus
Senior citizens old on for dear life
Reducing gluten is a wheat loss strategy
When it comes to Egyptian ruins, I like to pyramid them
Experience is not hereditary
Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”
Ponzi was a pyramid Earther
Non-meditators are inzensitive
Lawngevity – The number of days you can go between mowings
“Halo” is angel for “hi”
Perfect name for a cat – Schrodinger
The virus came to the west in Covid wagons
Allen Ginsberg is a deadbeat poet
Famous musicians are notable personalities
The manager of the Ore-Ida Little League team is a coach potato
Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects
Headline – Exxon Involved in African Oil Spill
Subtext – Seeping Slickness
If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us
The dessert thief is now in custardy
In parachute school, you drop out when you graduate
Some balding men still enjoy the fringe benefits
Income tax is capital punishment
Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river
Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?
Hangovers are brewed awakenings
My new $100 belt doesn’t fit – huge waist
For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”
Dead Big Macs go to Burgertory
Shouldn’t drug store helpers be called Pharmacistants?
Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”
Dracula is looking for his necks victim
When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07
New disease infecting cows – Bovid-19
Teetotalers take the path of yeast resistance
The lumberjack cut himself in an axe ident
With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird
Underwear makers have a good bottom line
Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers
Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy
Geologist’s data are rock solid
The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean
Half price at the roller rink is for cheap skates
Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years
The period leading up to Britain ruling the seas was the Phase that Launched a Thousand Ships
I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum
Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish
With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y Harm
A gardener is an officer of the lawn
The secrets of garden imps are revealed with full gnome sequencing
Thomas Jefferson got a taste of his own Madison
I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible
Mongolia had its pros and Khans
Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers