One Liner

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

Constipation is diabowelical

Lechers like belle bottoms

The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

My bank account is suffering from cashtration

A bashful one-eyed monster is a shyclops

My New Year’s Resolution this year? 300 dpi

Freud was the Wizard of Ids

Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis

Birds in Valdez, AK wake up oily every morning

At some record stores, all sales are vinyl 

Cancer doctors are oncallogists

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Retirement is not working for me

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

Power stealers are joule thieves

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

When I write, I column as I see umn

The arsonist got a lighter sentence

Ear worm protection involves heard immunity

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Mathematicians at Halloween – “Trig or Treat”

Pilots are plane people

The Windows® guy was a real pane

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

I have a big food fatish

When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up

Charles Schulz’s auto is in the shop for cartooning

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

In books, I tend to be a heroine addict

The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”

I’m aFreud of my mother

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia

Cave doors had a Stonehinge

Ants with malaise = Melancolony

When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve

OSU People – Friends With Bennies

Male chickens in England = rorcesters

Saliva is a word that rolls off the tongue

Microwave – what kids do when Aunt Bad Breath leaves

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

Supervise – when you tell someone what to do with their vise

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

Interior designers are roomatologists

When my stomach got better, it was a big missed ache 

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

Kidney stones are peebles 

Do liars get sent to court forgery duty?

At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts

My diet doctor’s one word advice: “Fondon’t”

Jelly filling is a good roll middle

Ibuprofanity – what you say when your Advil doesn’t work

Clucking is fowl language

Autocorrect is my biggest enema

Drummers are very cymbal minded

A crazy crow is a raven maniac

Potatoes that turn against you are traitor tots

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

Writing “Walla Walla” is stereotyping

Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns

Two elephants in a pond are swimming trunks 

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

Wayward leaves end up in the gutter

An econoclast tears down beliefs cheaply 

Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork

At the pizzeria, the best cutters are given the Piece Prize

Lumber mills have board meetings

Count Guacula sucks at avocados

Hippies were hairy pot-ters

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

Math pain comes from fibromyalgebra 

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Headline – Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext – Seesickness

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

Birds have an egg sit strategy

Spamish flu is caused by junk email

My computer has the Spamish flu

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Guavas fall because of guavity

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

Long hikes are really wanderful

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

The very busy guy was missing inaction

Ghosts wear ghoulashes 

My medical book had its appendix removed

String theory is very knotty

Big noses run in my family

The lock of hair went out with a bang

The Maytag Repairman is an agitator

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

Catholic photographers are often Canonized

The swimming pool has a long wading list

Is a person who’s a below average bore interesting?

Circus clowns often socially diss tents

Amazement is a brush with the awe

Bakers believe in flour power

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Soda makers have a “Can Dew” attitude

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

Atheists have no invisible means of support

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

A divorce court can offer affair trial

Sunrise in London produces English li

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

A fashionable Doberman is an avant guard dog

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

Pediatricians have very little patients

Placebos are transcendental medications

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

Toilet paper makers consider the end user

Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale

Guillotines work at breakneck speed

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

Hair conditioner users are either haves or have knots 

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook

A Viking ship is a Fjord Explorer

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

All seasons are distinct.  Summer warmer than others

People who stand too close are nearcissists

Viagra is marketed to hillbillies as “Mount an’ Do”

A false prophet – Impostradamus

Senior citizens old on for dear life

Reducing gluten is a wheat loss strategy

When it comes to Egyptian ruins, I like to pyramid them

Experience is not hereditary

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

Ponzi was a pyramid Earther

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

Perfect name for a cat – Schrodinger 

The virus came to the west in Covid wagons 

Allen Ginsberg is a deadbeat poet

The manager of the Ore-Ida Little League team is a coach potato

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

Headline – Exxon Involved in African Oil Spill
Subtext – Seeping Slickness

If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

The dessert thief is now in custardy

In parachute school, you drop out when you graduate

Some balding men still enjoy the fringe benefits

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

My new $100 belt doesn’t fit – huge waist

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Dead Big Macs go to Burgertory 

Shouldn’t drug store helpers be called Pharmacistants? 

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

Dracula is looking for his necks victim

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

New disease infecting cows – Bovid-19

Teetotalers take the path of yeast resistance

The lumberjack cut himself in an axe ident

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy

Geologist’s data are rock solid

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Half price at the roller rink is for cheap skates 

Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years

I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum