One Liner

The sneaky virus Covid its tracks

My English teacher told me I’m not who I think I am. I’m whom

An Australian paradox is a conundrum from down undrum

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

You can lead idiots to data, but you can’t make them think

The janitor’s union is calling for sweeping reforms 

The final exam in my weaving class is looming

Churches are fueled by soular energy

Little piles of rubbish are dumplings

Man does not live by bed alone

We lose happiness chasing happierness

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s moving up on my list.

My film about the metric system lacks footage

The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol

New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

Trains find it hard to express themselves

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

Tie dye sales are hippie hunting grounds

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

A little squeeze is wonderful thing, unless you’re a lemon

Diamond companies mine their own business

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish

Great line – “I miss you like an idiot misses the point”

In LA, beachgoers do SoCal distancing

I don’t often roll a joint, but when I do, it’s my ankle

You invited me to South America, but I don’t Bolivia

English major’s breakfast – eggs over easily 

Cannibal lions swallow their pride

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Dog diseases can sometimes be heartworming 

Meteorologists experience thunder and enlightning

Electricians like to go with the current

Macho men are egotesticle

The Houston guy who chases out evil spirits is a Texorcist

Kardashians have big carears

Dazed football players get whamnesia

Bakers believe in flour power

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L,’ and then much ‘aughter’

I’m the charman of our bar-b-Q group 

At the poultry bank, all the chicks are free

Placebos are transcendental medications

Nothing is forever, which is why it is so boring

Cowboys should be upholstered with their guns 

Mongolia had its pros and Khans

A mermaid is a lady in wading

Dieters wish food didn’t go to waist

Fizzics – the only degree offered at Alka Seltzer U

Garfield’s favorite movie is Catsablanca

Polite cheesemakers are curdeous

Beauty is only skin deep.  Thank goodness I’m thick skinned 

If air travel drops further, we’ll have The Flying None

Equine veterinarians work in horsepitals

Cheap beer is Nickelob 

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

Box office proceeds are play money

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Police are blue color workers

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

People mocking poor people are guilty of insult and bettery

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

A divorce court can offer affair trial

Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale

The country singer who forgot to shave – Woolly Nelson

Zoo veterinarians discuss the elephant in the womb

Go With the Wind – Advice to a guy urinating in the woods

Old English royalty preferred Tudor sedans

That new book on black holes really drew me in

A loba is the end of an eara

Typochondriacs fear mistakes

A crazy crow is a raven maniac

Risque talk is bawdy shaming

What happens when you die in the afterlife?

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

Dance instructions – “Divide and Conga”

Frankenstein is better than all the other monsters put together

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

The vegetable choir sang in perfect hominey

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

As overshadowed as a Swiss Navy knife

At my age, when it comes to the prostate, peeing is believing

The swimming pool has a long wading list

Cat veterinarians are purramedics 

Cancer doctors are oncallogists

Samuel Morse dashed off many letters

Does digging music turn you into a sound burier?

I’ve passed my “best by” date

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

Mathematicians communicate through sine language.

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

Fishermen need angler management classes

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

I shoveled 27 feet of dirt to get the hole nine yards

Power stealers are joule thieves

Dogwood sticks fetch themselves

Puppy sale – Buy one, get one flea

Two familiar quotations are known as a Bartlett pair 

Catnibus = meowijuana

Moving the “S” in literary titles has made me less miserable

Apple’s new portable high priced device is called iPaid 

Bulky underwear is the bottom line

Eating sheep cheese makes me feta

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

The animal science singles bar is good for meating

An Italian slum is a spaghetto

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

A string bikini is the bottom line

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

What goes up must have propulsion

The lock of hair went out with a bang

Money is the loot of all evil

Deer hunters put the BAM in Bambi

Some balding men still enjoy the fringe benefits

Tobacco chewers make a lot of spit stops

Swedish dogs bjark

Marriage has a nice ring to it

Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?

When gambling is outlawed, only outlaws will be abetting

Catholic photographers are often Canonized

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

“Must read” books are on my bucket lits

Crafty inmates are put in “You Knit” cells

For OCDs, plandemonium often breaks out

You have the right to remain stupid, but everything you say can and will be remembered

Some clergy are parsonal trainers

If you have an open wardrobe, closet

Biologists axolotl questions 

When my foot goes to sleep, it is coma toes

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

String theory is very knotty

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

My wisecracking garden tool – Phyllis Tiller

Fruit scientists publish in pear-reviewed journals

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

“War and Pence” – two “must avoids”

Soda machines are coiniverous

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

Supervise – when you tell someone what to do with their vise

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

The arsonist got a lighter sentence

They like to stream horror movies on Huluween

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

Headline – Geology Group Plans Research Trip
Subtext – Sedimental Journey

Frozen apples are hardcore

Guillotines work at breakneck speed

Chasing dogs from yards is lawn forcement

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

The guy who complained about the hot dogs was an Oscar Mayer whiner

Headline – Debby Boone Refutes Biography
Subtext – “You Lied Up My Life”

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

My overweight cat is a tubby

My photo fell. I now have an image to keep up

Finding good Indian food is a naan issue

Laying an egg means giving birdth

A hypnotist is a tranceformer

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

Yoga studio name – Bend Back and Beyond

The Windows® guy was a real pane

The Beach Boys in Africa sang Help Me Rwanda

Traffic fatalities = death in the fast lane

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

Bad gumbo with sausage is just meaty okra

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

Sheep shearers are lamb scrapers