One Liner

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

After she got him a Lawn Boy, he loved her mower

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

A marijuana investor is a spender in the grass

Until you have kids, that’s a pre-exhausting condition

She’s a forest queen to others, but a big Miss Tree to me

The Houston guy who chases out evil spirits is a Texorcist

I put my phone on vibrate to get text massages

Sunrise in London produces English li

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

Charmin is a hind sanitizer

Music videos are full of JLo shots

Cheese makers work around about whey 

Toilet paper makers consider the end user

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’

Where are the inskirts of town?

Canada isn’t real.  It’s only mapleleaf

Deer are clearly misnamed

Small black birds have crowing pains 

Jelly filling is a good roll middle

I like hot dogs so much I relish them

My rabbit stew has a hare in it

Everything is relative, but relatives aren’t everything

Traveling lawyers buy suevenirs

All men are cremated equal

When you anthropomorphize pets, they hate it

When I don’t know what to buy at the store, I’m listless

Maids are weapons of muss destruction

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

A calendar’s days are numbered

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

The Head of Military Police is the Searchin’ General

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

Chronic fibbers have liabetes

I’m done with arranging my hair, combpletely

For Catholics, wine is the opiate of their masses

In my new job making chess sets, I’m on knights next week

Knotification – one step in making a tree

For some, marijuana treatments are a medi-sin

A creepy Pokeman will Pikachu showering

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

The smaller seesaw is the petiter totter

The old grouch likes antisocial media

The Mt. Rushmore sculptor was a George Washington Carver

The sneaky virus Covid its tracks

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

Disney clothing = Upparel

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

Marijuana smoking pigeons have high coos

Balloons hate pop music

The streaker gave his friend a bare hug

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?

Ghosts wear ghoulashes 

Hot Dog Shop Name – Mustard’s Last Stand

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

Headline – Exxon Involved in African Oil Spill
Subtext – Seeping Slickness

Depressing is what comes after delaundry

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons

The hair dye shortage will make America grayed again

Flags have been raised, according to pole watchers 

Inuit Valentine – “I only have ice for you”

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

My overweight cat is a tubby

Swashbuckling insects – The Three Mosquiteers

Socrates didn’t do so well with the Hemlock Maneuver

The new zoo exhibit is turtley awesome

Great donut shop name – Amazing Glaze

When the deaf and blind fight, senseless violence occurs

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

Big noses run in my family

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

Tolkien’s writing was hobbit forming

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Cheap beer is Nickelob 

Money is the loot of all evil

Quadruplets are four crying out loud

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

My work as a phlebotomist is a part time jab

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Equine veterinarians work in horsepitals

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

Dear John letters show that absence makes the heart go yonder

Humiduty – what a device that controls air moisture has

You invited me to South America, but I don’t Bolivia

A carjacker is a pirate of the Car I Be In

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

When it comes to pandemics, we’ve got that COVID 

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

Autocorrect is my biggest enema

Opera is my aria of expertise 

Prison is a word and also a sentence

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Do-it-yourself electronics store – Ohm Depot

For thunderstorms, lightning is a flash in the plan 

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

Samuel Morse dashed off many letters

A good horror film has cringe benefits

In the cruise business, ship happens

Great name for an eyedrop – Moist Your Eyes

Coffee plantation workers are grounds keepers

Is a person who’s a below average bore interesting?

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Workaholics are missing inaction 

The story teller’s shortcomings were Aesop’s foibles

People trade corn futures on the stalk market

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

The aardvark leads the annual list of animals list

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

Hollywood is the land of reel estate

Atheists have no invisible means of support

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

Dracula was a red blood cell Count

Thoughtless people – what won’t they think of next

When I dream of pasta, I cannoli imagine 

A closed mouth gathers no foot

Dancing cheek to cheek is floor play

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

Power stealers are joule thieves

Stubborn old people go to resisted living

Copyrights are statutes of imitations

Tobacco chewers make a lot of spit stops

After the coffin accident there was a rehearsal

Headline – Geology Group Plans Research Trip
Subtext – Sedimental Journey

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

The ocean is hard to fathom

He had a name that looked like an eye chart

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

In LA, beachgoers do SoCal distancing

HIV in the ocean causes mermaids

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

Mathematicians communicate through sine language.

Saliva is a word that rolls off the tongue

He’s so inarticulate, he lost a fight with his mother tongue

Kids on merry-go-rounds remind us that wee are the whirled

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

Great line – “I miss you like an idiot misses the point”

A citrus a day is a lemon pledge

Meteorologists experience thunder and enlightning

Weight Watchers’ mantra – Fat Chants

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Thugs are people who quit working for good

What to give someone who has everything – Omnipresents

Old lovers are very romantique

Ghosts in the market for real estate go house haunting

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

Seamstresses have sewnar

Spamish flu is caused by junk email

Multi-story shopping malls are sell towers 

The outer space boundary is the margin of air 

Rich Japanese are billyenaires

When asked why my flooring business failed, I said it was futile

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts

When the doc said my prostate was healthy, I was deeply touched 

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

The guy who said ‘rupee’ was talking non-cents 

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

If air travel drops further, we’ll have The Flying None

My photo fell. I now have an image to keep up

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

With butterflies, fluttery will get you everywhere

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

Santa keeps clothes in his Clauset

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

That web site for free chickens is just cluck bait

I Concord my fear of grapes

The thickness of my book is a long story

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

A poor economy is one way to close the Gap

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege