One Liner

Sunken Treasure

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

Think Pink

The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol

Radio Octave

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

Jogging Too

My New Year’s Resolution this year? 300 dpi

Head Lying

Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

CD Romp

At some record stores, all sales are vinyl 

Smile

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Lighten Up

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Idlewild

Retirement is not working for me

Reaction Time

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

30% Off

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

Word Play

When I write, I column as I see umn

No Whey

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Brewed Awakening

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Tossed Doubt

When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up

Derailed

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

Shoe Fly

The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”

Bombastic

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

Head Lying

Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia

Verily

Biblical fortune tellers are Psalm readers

Big Plans

When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve

Saucy

Male chickens in England = rorcesters

Bye and Bye

Microwave – what kids do when Aunt Bad Breath leaves

Milking It

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

Management

Supervise – when you tell someone what to do with their vise

No Punch Line

The boxer kept following his manager’s instructions. “Hit, hit, hit . . . . “ and then he stopped because there was no punch line

Noe

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

Role Aids

When my stomach got better, it was a big missed ache 

Eat it Up

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

Lunacy

A crazy crow is a raven maniac

Toothiness

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Opposites

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

Food Truck

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

Translation

The Spanish word for cat should be ‘purrito’

Bum Burn

Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns

Big Splash

Two elephants in a pond are swimming trunks 

Body Double

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

Low Budget

An econoclast tears down beliefs cheaply 

Head Lying

Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork

Cut Up

At the pizzeria, the best cutters are given the Piece Prize

Online Line

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

If Then

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Head Lying

Headline – Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext – Seesickness

Rock Star

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

Head Lying

Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins

Bill of Wrongs

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

Unwrapped

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

Pork Barrel

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Why?

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

Get Lost

Long hikes are really wanderful

Inconsequential

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Oscar Wiled

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

Strung

String theory is very knotty

Tide Over

The swimming pool has a long wading list

Mary Wanna

Anyone who smoked a new year’s eve joint ended the year on a high note

That Look

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

Oxy Dyes

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Blow Me Down

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

Dawn Deal

Sunrise in London produces English li

Crime Wave

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

Drill Down

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

Roll the Dice

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

Ha Fudge

30 days of ice cream make a month of sundaes

Tangled Web

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

Head Lying

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

EZ Clean

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Turning Deaf Ears

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

Tangled Tale

Hair conditioner users are either haves or have knots 

Think About It

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

Few Friends

New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook

Fall in Line

All seasons are distinct.  Summer warmer than others

Close Call

People who stand too close are nearcissists

Backwords

Viagra is marketed to hillbillies as “Mount an’ Do”

Shadowing

The new black hole investigation did not shed any light on the subject

Point it Out

When it comes to Egyptian ruins, I like to pyramid them

Sham on You

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

Omm Com

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

Blade Runner

Lawngevity – The number of days you can go between mowings

Box Set

Perfect name for a cat – Schrodinger 

Cough It Up

The virus came to the west in Covid wagons 

High Notes

Famous musicians are notable personalities

Biting Remark

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

Head Lying

Headline – Exxon Involved in African Oil Spill
Subtext – Seeping Slickness

Merger

If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

Hell Toupee

Some balding men still enjoy the fringe benefits

Tall Tales

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

Pillsners?

Shouldn’t drug store helpers be called Pharmacistants? 

Drip Irritation

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

Soap Opera

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

No Bull

New disease infecting cows – Bovid-19

Gullible

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

Punny Hose

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

Damnesia

Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy

Old Salts

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Rock and Roll

Half price at the roller rink is for cheap skates 

La-Z-Boys

Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years

British Empire

The period leading up to Britain ruling the seas was the Phase that Launched a Thousand Ships

Tick Talk

I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum

Green Thumb

Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish

DNA Test

The secrets of garden imps are revealed with full gnome sequencing

Life Story

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Mine!

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers