One Liner

iDidn’t

Apple’s new portable high priced device is called iPaid 

Bye Bye Biddie

Dear John letters show that absence makes the heart go yonder

Double A

The aardvark leads the annual list of animals list

Head Lying

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

Head Lying

Headline – Monster Grows Beer Belly
Subtext – Abdominal Snowman

Water Power

Tears – hydraulic power capable of moving the hardest heart

Seeking Help

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

Limited Data

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

If Then

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Few Friends

New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook

Drip Irritation

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

ICU There

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

Let Meowt

My cat makes me wonder.  It’s a siamuse

Shear Energy

The country singer who forgot to shave – Woolly Nelson

Rastafarianism

The Restafarian’s hairstyle is something to be dreaded

Pay Up

Income tax time involves the Declaration of Dependents 

Chin Up

The minister was fired for having a bad beatitude

Tomorrow

Twelve procrastinators comprise a dozen’t

Fading

The old protestor’s youth was just a dissident memory

Weedy People

People who arrange those dried flower things are old growth florists

Get Lost

Long hikes are really wanderful

Haute Dog

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

Head Lying

Headline – Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext – ET&T

Big Muck

My hamburger business got started from the ground up

Urly Riser

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

Going Ape

Fay Wray biography? – “The Kong and I”

Big Bang

Musically, the Big Bang began with Beatle haircuts

Safety First

To get away from a falling tree, use the fir escape

Pork Barrel

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Roll the Dice

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

No Whey

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Rock Star

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

Cut Up

At the pizzeria, the best cutters are given the Piece Prize

Oscar Wiled

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

Fed UPS

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

Pundemic

The sneaky virus Covid its tracks

Blank Slate

I know nothing about Ignorance Awareness Month

Inner Self

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

Big Plans

When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve

Head Lying

Headline – War Protesters Adopt French Strategy
Subtext – Peace de Resistance

Antsy

Workaholics are missing inaction 

Without Saying

It goes without saying that “It goes without saying” doesn’t go without saying

It Feels So Light

A Playtex on the clothesline in the sun is hanging out in bra daylight

Foot Burn

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

CBDemons

For some, marijuana treatments are a medi-sin

Eat Treat

A great dinner is one in a meallion

Tooth Truth

Ocean organisms using biting humor are being sharkastic

That’s a Wrap

A Chinese lady bought Indian clothing, so it’s Hu’s sari now 

Radio Octave

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

Big Splash

Two elephants in a pond are swimming trunks 

Head Lying

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

Well Heeled

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Big Bang

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

Reversible

Planes that fly backward and forward are palindrones

Amid Evil

Guinevere’s date with Lancelot was a knight to remember

OMG

Time wasters are clock suckers

Nuke It

I think of Frank Zappa whenever I microwave a hotdog

Followers

People afraid of leading are powerds

Orbiters

Astronauts are whirled travelers

Head Lying

Headline – Televangelist Preaches to Prostitute
Subtext – Sermon on the Mount

Lighten Up

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Mouthful

Non-pro hot dog eating competitors are amachewers

Head Lying

Headline – Patrons Adjust to Waiter Strike
Subtext – More Forced Bussing

Motel Sux

Vacation bills remind you to cut down on suites

Resonance

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

Cover Up

The older I get, the more I see people dressing me with their eyes

RCP

When a chef dies, mourners say “Recipes”

Sick Schtick

When it comes to pandemics, we’ve got that COVID 

Dental?

Is there any other kind of telepathy besides mental?

Steaked Out

McDonald’s new T-bone dinner is a big McSteak

Happy New Year

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Who to Blame

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

Head Lying

Headline – Dairy farmers celebrate at local pub
Subtext – A Round About Whey

Head Lying

Headline – Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext – Chrysler Imperil

Biggest Liar

I’m the worst person in the world at avoiding hyperbole

Exer Sighs

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

Hog Wild

Bar-B-Cue pork is served at pignics

Saucy

Male chickens in England = rorcesters

Shocking News

To touch the electrical line, there is a small charge

Reboot

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

Head Lying

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Postage Due

I tried one of those mail-order bride services and now I can’t wait for my Czech in the mail

Hi Times

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

Biting Remark

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

Text Aisles

The final exam in my weaving class is looming

Blank Look

He made his TV paranoid by watching it all the time

Pork Barrel

The politician was so fat, he could only walk for office

Blade Runner

Lawngevity – The number of days you can go between mowings

Paid Off

Divorce is the high cost of loving

Head Lying

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

Tall Tales

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

Phone Home

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Selfists

Egotists are me-deep in conversation

Eat it Up

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

Face It

The Mt. Rushmore sculptor was a George Washington Carver

Waiter

My rabbit stew has a hare in it

Box Set

Perfect name for a cat – Schrodinger 

Inconsequential

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Lighten Up

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals