One Liner

Chasing dogs from yards is lawn forcement

Sardines hang out in tinning salons

My diet doctor’s one word advice: “Fondon’t”

Gold diggers have metal telepathy

A butterfly is a pupal pupil

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Headline – Bo Derek Gives Rules for Living
Subtext – The “10” Commandments

Headline – Smelly Bandit Robs Store
Subtext – Who was that musked man?

Laughing gas is one of the scents of humor

When the Chinese cook got injured, the doctor said he may never wok again 

Best ethnic food in a pandemic – Togo

Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork

“You’re my rock” is a polite way of saying “I take you for granite”

Headline – Guru Hired to Settle Labor Dispute
Subtext – Transcendental Mediation

The wine-drinking puppet was known as Pinot-cchio 

Spamish flu is caused by junk email

At my age, when it comes to the prostate, peeing is believing

Ham soup is an add hock meal

Headline – Sperm Bank Opens 3 Years Late
Subtext – Long Time No Seed

Laying an egg means giving birdth

HIV in the ocean causes mermaids

Self-employed people mind their own business

Shallow people easily get in over their heads

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

Toilet paper makers consider the end user

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

Using old Macintosh fonts is a Geneva convention 

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Farmers have detractors. They also have deplows

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

A bashful one-eyed monster is a shyclops

I don’t often roll a joint, but when I do, it’s my ankle

Fizzics – the only degree offered at Alka Seltzer U

It is easier to learn from a book than from the rusty razor blade of experience

Headline – Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext – ET&T

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

Squeezing juice from a battery means pressing charges

In LA, beachgoers do SoCal distancing

Disney clothing = Upparel

Tobacco chewers make a lot of spit stops

The road to ruin has a simple interface

Fishermen need angler management classes

My harp is all plucked up

I buy pickles from a local dillership

My dog makes such a mess, I need a heavy doodie cleaner

Laughter is the best thing for your health, short of insurance

For thunderstorms, lightning is a flash in the plan 

When asked why my flooring business failed, I said it was futile

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

Headline – Lake Michigan Floods Illinois
Subtext – Chicagone

The devil is in the denials

Plant collectors are hoarder culturists

I was unsuited to become a nudist

Beauty is only skin deep.  Thank goodness I’m thick skinned 

The older I get, the more I see people dressing me with their eyes

Risque talk is bawdy shaming

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

Circus clowns often socially diss tents

What to give someone who has everything – Omnipresents

My tic-tacs are in mint condition

Macho men are egotesticle

Closed minds are cheaper to heat

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Twelve procrastinators comprise a dozen’t

Quadruplets are four crying out loud

Getting syrup from maples requires phlebotany

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Photoshop is good at photo synthesis

For Catholics, wine is the opiate of their masses

A COVID vaccine is good to put in the coughers

Mooning is to me too much luna, see?

Jelly filling is a good roll middle

The old grouch likes antisocial media

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

He made his TV paranoid by watching it all the time

On no-pants day in England, London’s britches are falling down 

Kung Flu infects martial artists

Everything is relative, but relatives aren’t everything

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

I just bought a painting by that fancy new artist – SavingsandLoansy

Charles Schulz’s auto is in the shop for cartooning

Frankenstein is better than all the other monsters put together

Catholic photographers are often Canonized

People afraid of leading are powerds

Hot Dog Shop Name – Mustard’s Last Stand

Merchants report drones are flying off the shelves 

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

Absolutes are never true

Cat veterinarians are purramedics 

Archaeologists make ground-breaking discoveries

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

The weight-lifting lawyer has the power of attorney

Kids born today are Baby Zoomers 

Dieters’ theme song – “The Weigh We Were”

An Italian slum is a spaghetto

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

Headline – Russian Trio to Rule France
Subtext – Paris Troika

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

If pedestrians had wings, they wouldn’t need to get run over to get them

Maids are weapons of muss destruction

I warned my friend about Russian roulette, but it went in one ear and out the other 

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

The Norse transplant patient has a new Swedeheart

Fear of everything is multiple scareosis

After I ate only salads, my bowel movements became highly arugula

A loba is the end of an eara

Traffic fatalities = death in the fast lane

A fashionable Doberman is an avant guard dog

The Chicken Little story has many layers

A series of coincidences is also a coincidence of series

Bad gumbo with sausage is just meaty okra

Cooks try to curry flavor 

Vegetarian shenanigans are tofu-lery

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Wisdom is knowing the difference between driving women mad and making women mad

Socrates didn’t do so well with the Hemlock Maneuver

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

I never mezzo soprano I didn’t like 

Soda makers have a “Can Dew” attitude

Foodie friends are taste buds

Cowboys should be upholstered with their guns 

Jewish nudists celebrate bare mitzvah

The Volkswagen on my lobe is a German engine earring

Synesthesiacs have great taste in music

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

Pointless small talk is nonversation

Vaccines give you viral immuneition

My medical book had its appendix removed

Biologists axolotl questions 

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

The pirate was irate until he had a P

Birds have an egg sit strategy

In barber college, cutting class is essential

Prison entrepreneurs are sell mates

Electricians like to go with the current

Man does not live by bed alone

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

Knights provide sirvices

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

Forgetful cows give milk of amnesia 

Writing “Walla Walla” is stereotyping

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

Pretzel-making has a happy bending

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons

The ark guy and family were Noah, et als

The Stoned Age began with the discovery of fire and weed

Strolling America today is a walk on the riled side

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

I put on the flimsy gown in the hospital and everyone said “ICU”

Oblivia – the Goddess of Unawareness

An angry ocean is fit to be tide 

Fear of giants is feefiphobia

After the coffin accident there was a rehearsal

The smaller seesaw is the petiter totter

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

Trinogometry – the science of scrambled letter words

Pessimistic entomologists collect katydidn’ts

Kardashians have big carears

Dieters wish food didn’t go to waist

With Christmas coming, it’s time to brush up on your buyology

There is no ‘i’ in ‘denial’

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

Too much illness discussion makes for a talk sick environment 

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts

Spanish music stations play audios, amigos

The Beach Boys in Africa sang Help Me Rwanda

My neatfreak dog is a cocker spic and spaniel

Tolkien’s writing was hobbit forming

Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns

Wonder Woman is a super she-ro

To make a lung story short, smoking will kill you

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

When AI systems start reproducing, will they come from a computerus?

Garfield’s favorite movie is Catsablanca

The toothless cow wanted to eat, but cudn’t 

The forest had a tree ring circus 

A centipede shouldn’t put all its legs in one basket

Card games on submarines involve a lot of bridge under the water