One Liner

Reflected Glory

Mirrorjuana – what people get high on looking at their selfies

Rock and Roll

Half price at the roller rink is for cheap skates 

Strung

String theory is very knotty

Kneel Diamond

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

Weary Wary

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Boodism

At Halloween, ghost practice Boodism

Pill Bill

Getting sick in America means dealing with hellth care

Iron Lug

Our water polio team loses every game it plays

Give me a Belt

On no-pants day in England, London’s britches are falling down 

That Look

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

Flashback

Hugh Hefner built an empire from she to shining she 

Urly Riser

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

Well Heeled

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Hand Me Downs

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it

Big Discount

People who die for low prices are known as Walmartyrs

Translation

The Spanish word for cat should be ‘purrito’

Idle Time

Muvon – something to get when you’ve been sitting too long

Oscar Wiled

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

Head Lying

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

Body Double

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

Arrrg

Talented pirates fly the Skill and Crossbones

Head Lying

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

Sea Foam

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

Head Lying

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Head Lying

Headline – Debby Boone Refutes Biography
Subtext – “You Lied Up My Life”

Everblades

Cutting grass helps maintain lawn order

Frequent Filer

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles

Lighten Up

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Steaked Out

McDonald’s new T-bone dinner is a big McSteak

Tossed Doubt

When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up

Retired?

Thugs are people who quit working for good

Smile

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Head Lying

Headline – Phone Service Cut to NY Town
Subtext – Dis-Schenectady

Egypt Me

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

Brewed Awakening

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Going Ape

Fay Wray biography? – “The Kong and I”

Without Saying

It goes without saying that “It goes without saying” doesn’t go without saying

Dummy

He was so illiterate, he prostated himself

In a Fix

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

Clean Necks

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at

Aller Jeez

Asthma: the wheezin’ for the season 

Getting Shagged

The worst part of the job for carpet installers is tacks time

Hi Times

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

Big Bang

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

Nunsense

The nun attacker kicked the habit

Masketeer

In the lockdown, I only do inside jokes

Eh?

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

Phone Home

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Hand Some

Squeezing a sponge ball too hard can cause Nerf damage

Head Lying

Headline – Religious Dairy Farmers Meet
Subtext – Cheeses, Christ

Copycats

Copyrights are statutes of imitations

Sham on You

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

No Cal

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

Never Ending

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

Illogical

My chances of understanding binary are one in a Boolean

Appalling

The greatest scientist was a Pauling

Head Lying

Headline – Bo Derek Gives Rules for Living
Subtext – The “10” Commandments

Fear Full

I used to be afraid of getting stoned, but now I’m boulder

The Mummy

“The Mummy” is the stiff of legends

Head Lying

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

Toothiness

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Word Play

When I write, I column as I see umn

Footing the Ball

When I accidentally kicked on third down, it was no punt intended

Dawn Deal

Sunrise in London produces English li

Well Versed

Metamucil should change its name to Facebookmucil

Pork Barrel

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Shady Lady

A lass under a tree = Maid in the Shade

Giving Up

There was so much laundry to do, I threw in the towel

Big Differential

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

Online Line

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

On Doody

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

Old Salts

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Mr. Clean

My neatfreak dog is a cocker spic and spaniel

Face It

The Mt. Rushmore sculptor was a George Washington Carver

Head Lying

Headline – Weird Music Disturbs Germans
Subtext – Unnerving Berlin

Biting Remark

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

Blank Slate

I know nothing about Ignorance Awareness Month

Leg Show

The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg, but Nefertiti

Raging Aging

The hair dye shortage will make America grayed again

Play Time

The smaller seesaw is the petiter totter

No Whey

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Rock Star

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

30% Off

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

Norway, Man

U.S. Scandinavian fests are artificial Swedeners

Now and Zen

When zen masters give up, they throw in the Tao

Reci Peace

German corn dog cookbook:  “From Batter to Wurst”

Think About It

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

Three Sided

The most dangerous position in the Bermuda Philharmonic – triangle player

Beltway

Dieters wish food didn’t go to waist

Neander Tall

He was surprisingly bipedal for someone of his intelligence

Family Mutters

Everything is relative, but relatives aren’t everything

Geometrics

Of the two racetracks I own, one is the lesser of two ovals

Brewed Awakening

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Bottled Up

The medium Pepsi bottle was the Liter Of The Pack

If Then

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Cut Up

At the pizzeria, the best cutters are given the Piece Prize

Fishy

Minnows sound a little fishy to me