A man found out
His overweight cause
Turns out his satellite dish
Picks up more than he does
Nappy Time
For English mothers
It’s absurd
Remember that
“Mum’s” the word
See a random verse: Limericks | Lyrics Science | Lyrics Non-Science | Silly | Silly Long
For English mothers
It’s absurd
Remember that
“Mum’s” the word
The red wave predicted
Was imprecise
Methinks there was
A pollstergeist
To burglarize is stealing things
We know that it is true
They also are the things through which
The thief is seeing you
Transylvanian cheese tastes great
So says our local punster
He claims it otherwise is known
As Dr. Frankenstein’s muenster
In Prague the team’s
A bunch of trouncers
Otherwise known as
The big Czech Bouncers
Eat better in the new year
Make good contributions
And don’t get eaten by lions
2023’s gnu year resolutions
To bees, a hive
Is like a dorm
They stay in winter
Cuz ‘swarm
If you’re looking for love
Then seek out cupid
And if your IQ’s low
There’s OK Stupid
I thought I got the only one
When I bought my antique
But there must be another one
If it is MOST UNIQUE
A knight’s awareness
Left him enraged
It seems his garb
Makes him look middle-aged
A doorman has
Just one mission
In this entry
Level position
What is the world to a chair?
It’s a place to let people sit there
They can let out a sigh
As the world passes by
Leaving all of their problems elsewhere
I’d say it’s time now for a teeny
Celebration with martinis
To say thanks to the medic genies
Who gave us all the new vaccinis
Please call the arms negotiators
This matter’s very urgent
My thinking’s that a Tide pod might
Be a nuclear detergent
Two astronauts
Lois and Ted
Did not fall in love
They floated instead
The stockyard SWAT team
Tried something new
On arriving, yelled,
“POLICE – NOBODY MOO”
The politician
Doing biz
Is quite promisecuous
Yes, he is
They had a romance that was intense
Entwining each young heart
‘Twas said their love was quite immense
But the houseboat couple drifted apart
The astronomer quit
No one knows why
He only said
“No more Mr. Night Sky”
Pierre and Marie Curie
Say the event they’re awaiting
And with enthusiasm
They’re radiating
The cause of the NASCAR driver’s death
Has arrived a bit belated
The investigation clearly shows
That it was race-related
As we get older
Our weight shifts “down there”
I think that’s why people say
My wife and I make a great pear
That religious guy
Took a look
At a new social media site
Faithbook
An historian who earns lots of dough
Caused folks to go in spasm
Saying Russian leader snideness
Makes a terrible czar chasm
And regarding my climbing
Of Everest, yup
One way it is true
That I made it up
Although their team
Is in the basement
Aussies Docs cheer
The Sydney Replacements
The SNOOZE ALARMS mean sleeping
You can push as oft you please
But when you do that you should know
It means “ALAS NO MORE Z’S”
Chinese lumberjacks have a way
Of getting their cutting licks
They use big axes, also known
As their own chopsticks
Retirement’s when
You gotta believe
People take
Maturity leave
If your dry cleaner’s
Work’s a mess
Is it likely they will
Be depressed?
A firefly has
No imagination
Finding mates
By the process of illumination
He’d really like to be a wit
But feels a great despair
Despite the best of efforts
He’s only halfway there
Along those lines, remember that
You need more than protein
So don’t forget to get yourself
Some tasty Lorne Green Beans
Though loftiness is what
Their travel evokes
Flight attendants really
Are just plane folks
Each time I walk my dachshund
The feeling’s rather grand
What else could be expected from
Walking in a wiener wonderland?
Paul McCartney’s talented
His music, out of sight
And now, on top of everything
He’s a Hard Day’s Knight
Learn the martial arts?
No, I won’t
For me, it’s a matter
Of Tae Kwon Don’t
If you decide
To fly to Peru
Use their airline
Mach 2 Picchu
You’ll find no ‘i’ in TEAM
No matter the spelling scheme
However, I cannot resist
Noting the two in NARCISSIST
Consider the anteater, eating ants
They taste too good to quit
But on the day the anteater dies
The ants eat it
“Please don’t put carpet on my steps”
I told the builder there
I suppose that’s why he gave to me
A really big blank stair
When I get massaged
I have to say
That it is great
To have a feeled day
If senators
Don’t work September
Should Congress say they’ve
Been dismembered? (YES)
My new thesaurus
Is not so strong
Under “incorrect”
Every word is wrong
That athlete got the jitters bad
The coffee pull is strong
But she’s reducing it a tad
With a decaf-alon
A Houstonian came to visit
Overstaying, then dismissed
In order to get rid of him
They used a Texorcist
Today we think of the unknown soldier
Leaving flowers at the grave
But really it’s the known ones whom
We need to work to save
My love of writing
Is undiminished
Despite a lot of
Verses unfinished
The ASPCA knows well
A story it retells
It’s about a dentist who fights
Cruelty to enamels
Internet laughter
Hits new heights
It now is measured
In gigglebytes
My coffee table
Looks like an ocean
From a drink I spilled
In one fluid motion
My dog is digging in the yard
And making quite a mess
About this pooch I’d have to say
His paws abilities seem limitless
Kansans are a
Hearty band
Living off
The flat of the land
A conundrum I had
When I was a youth
Saying, “I’m lying in bed”
But telling the truth
You should try to avoid
The ultimate futility
Anytime someone refers to
A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY
I’m happy I’m not single
Pursuing a sweetheart
I can’t imagine dating
And keeping six feet apart
I got a big apology
To which I had been owed
’Twas written in dots and dashes, though
Some kind of remorse code
A sumo wrestler
Fears for nuttin’
With crazy garb
And belly buttin’
If a power plant
Gets lowly rated
Are workers there
Degenerated?
Pink flamingoes
I have heard
Have a leg up
On other birds
Nichelle (Nichols), our belle
Loved by millions
As Uhura well
Our Nichelle
A carpenter sailed round the world
Just think of where he’s been
He couldn’t do it by himself
He took his screw with him
Drinkers of beer from cans
In their home environs
Prefer to pump aluminum
Instead of irons
That pet trimming salon
Just makes me smile
They call themselves
Doggy Style
Here’s a show
For Nickelodean
“Ocean Janitor – ”
“Jacques Cousteudian”
The waitress’ work
Is rather stable
It’s not much fun
But it puts food on the table
My spacebar’sworking randomly
Itmakesmewant toshout
Cuzwordsare easiertoread
All s p a c e d out
A smile that could guide ships in the night
A voice of angelic delight
A beautiful lass too suddenly gone
Olivia Newton-John
Here it’s stated
What the facts is
Chiropractors
Pay back taxes
When one spouse asked
“Do you listen to what I state?”
The reply was quick
“Thanks, honey. A beer sounds great”
A friend said I won’t go far
Because I procrastinate
But I got the last word when I said,
“Just you wait”
A little lie, that’s all it was
Not deceitful, proud, or bold
I didn’t think it mattered much
That FIBULA I told
There’s a first time for everything
This I knew
With one exception
Déjà vu
For losing weight, my doctor said
“Here’s one new thing, please try it”
And that is how I got onto
My new glutton free diet
That angry guy
Has reached the stage
Where high blood pressure
Is all the rage
it’s completely ridiculous
So go and make some noise
If a person says they are giving you
Your ONLY CHOICE
The comfiness,
My buddy said,
Is from the spring water
In his water bed
Boldly going on this train
Is Spock on the lower deck
Exploring brand new rail frontiers
AmTrek
The pantyhose inventor
It seems to me
Has left behind
Quite a leg a see
Those girls are stuck up with a yen
For things all hoochie-coochie
How do the rich guys tickle them?
Gucci, Gucci, Gucci
Xerox bought Wurlitzer
Said JP Morgan
And now they make
Reproductive organs
Condoms can provide
Very good protection
In a store you’ll find them
In the hard wear section
Einstein wrote back quickly with
An answer short and cheesy
He said for him attendance
Would be relatively easy
Primes are irrational integers
Cuz they can’t be divided
By any other integers
Mathematics has provided
In La Paz, a fan
Almost never yawns
Rooting for
The Bolivia Newton Johns
I’m in a class to cultivate
Some marijuana and I
Can note with pride that on our test
My score was rather high
A little snail got sent to jail
I’m told it was his fault
Because this guy did not comply
Imprisoned for a salt
They’re juvenile
And make you moan
Cuz all these puns
Are full groan
One piece of bread in the toaster
Two pieces of toast come out
It seems to me what happened
Was mitoastis, without a doubt
A fish
Who has any sense
Always keeps up
On current events
Starbucks workers
Ever eager
Describe themselves
As grounds keepers
R is a challenge
So please don’t get violent
When I tell you that CARROT
Has its second one silent
Gallagher’s life
In November came crashing
To an end
No more melon smashing
For working with people
The best advice I’ve seen
Is that praising of others
Lets off some esteem
I said to the dealer
“So what’s the skinny?”
“Should I get an Audi”
“Or just an innie?”
The shoe store says
They’re used to it
People coming in
And having a fit
Every time
I see a meme
I feel like I
Could screme
The sale on fishing
Hooks was great
Cuz each one came
With a big re-bait
The French water I craved
Is finally here
And all I can say is
“Eau dear”
It was a grill
The doll fell to
So it got cooked
A Barbie Q
He mocked the spaghetti
Deserved what he got
Seems he just
Hit a sauce spot
That smart fish swimming
Over by the dam
Sees the hooked worm
As an online scam
My friend said contractions
Keep popping up everywhere
I looked at her and said
“They’re”
Sidney Poitier’s gone and how
A magnificent multi-award winner
And it probably is apparent now
Who’s Not Coming to Dinner
Drug resistant lice
Evade the meds
And leave researchers
Scratching their heads
The police all knew
The one to nab
A shoplifter with
The gift of grab
My house’s broken window
Needs fixing, that is plain
I really hate to do it, though
Because it’s such a pane
Walking the Sahara
Seems to me to be
Quite surreal
Long time, no sea
Into a grinder fell my friend
It must have hurt, and how!
No need to worry ‘bout him, though
Because he’s all fine now
When they shipped snails
From France, you know
The ship was labeled
SS Cargot
A recent development
Wasn’t surprising
When a gravity denier
Started an uprising
Reese, it’s true
Each day ‘fore noon
Eats her cereal
Witherspoon
Now I do not have a job
I sit around and wonder
Do meteorologists feel like me
That someone stole their thunder?
I’m getting a reversible jacket
And there’s no doubt
I can’t wait to see
How it turns out
The henhouse thief
Has been reproached
The eggs he had
Were really poached
I love the ocean
So good for me
It’s like a dose of
Vitamin sea
Ripley’s Believe it or Not
Dates back to the Victorian
And keeps all its stuff
In an odditorium
A naked mole rat’s never cold
Whenever it is naked, holed
They’re very odd to look at, those
But not as strange as ones with clothes
My language skills
Really suck
That’s why I rely
On spell chuck
Skinny people
I must complain
Have nothing to lose
And much to gain
To combat a world
With much unfairness
I eat dried grapes
For raisin awareness
That beef stock baron
So debonair
Made lots of bucks
A bouillonaire
Your cake decorator needs an editor
I said to the manager in a scowl
Cuz the cake you made me for today
Wishes a “Happy Super Bowel”
There are problems at the smelting plant
That will not go away
And as a result, expect to see
Some develop metal delays
My diet plan
Is a winner
Eating rope for lunch
Skipping dinner
The German cats, it’s often said
For happiness must strive
Because they’re bored most every day
Since they all have nein lives
The glowing horse in the wild west show
Is most certainly attractive
I suppose the reason’s cuz he is
Very rodeo active
I’m guessing that
It just might tickle
Freezing your butt off
To an assicle
For unpronounced W’s
I must go along
With the curious claim
That WRITE is the same as WRONG
That writer of great ironies
Is wealthy, so it’s said
The pay for all his efforts is
A whole bunch of wry bread
Computer makers
Who are bolder
Go home with
Chips on their shoulders
Internet urologists
Doing fine
Help us all
To stream online
Around some singers
I am quite wary
Cuz I’m allergic
To Peter, Pollen, Mary
No need to be
In a hurry folks
If you plan to watch
The Oslo Pokes
A drummer guy
That I once knew
Named his daughters
Anna 1, Anna 2
I put upon my head my hat
And on my feet my shoes
But forgot what goes on in between
Hey look, I’m on the evening news
I love to tell police jokes
So many I’ve expressed
I’ve heard a few complaints of late
So I’ll give it arrest
Losing one’s temper
Is bad, you know
Kick an ICBM
Get missile toe
When it comes to evaporated milk
I ask myself, “why buy?”
It seems each one you open up
Would be completely dry
A ghost said
If he had to choose
He’d go to the bar
Just for the boos
Two English majors, very bored
Displayed a bit of wit
When they decided to play tag
After one said, “Albeit”
A plane has crashed
Because, you know
The pilot erred by
Flying solo
My imaginary friend
Came to visit on a whim
So I went out and
Made up a bed for him
A lemon got sick
But had to grin
When the doc declared
She’d squeeze him in
At the party today
We had over lunch
My friends all beat me
To the punch
A procrastinator I am not
Emphatically, I say
I refuse to put off until tomorrow
Anything I can enjoy today
When Davy Crockett got divorced
His ex called him a phony
And cautioned him when they broke up
To “Remember the alimony”
Into a store a duck did go
To get his Chapstick fill
When asked how he would pay for it
He said, “Just put it on my bill”
A naked man
In church was sought
And by the organ
He was caught
The E’s at the end
Of DONE, GONE, and ONE
All make the same sound
That linquists call NONE
Holbrook’s famous one-man show
Was quite the acting feat
It’s even more remarkable
Cuz ne’er the Twain did he meet
My shoes aren’t fixed
And there’s no doubt
The cobbler can’t do it
Because she soled out
The angry fisherman
Loudly swearing
Got taken to court
For a herring
My poison ivy lotion business
Truly has no match
It’s something that I worked on hard
Creating it from scratch
I bought a Honda minivan
It is a bunch of fun
Has everything I wanted
You Odyssey it run
Coal miners really
Get goose bumps
Each day as they
Take their lumps
That honey making video
Is really groovy
Highly recommended
A good bee movie
Gluten is something
You will delete
Any time you set out
To lose wheat
She always arrives late
Sometimes by an hour
I think that her ancestors
Came on the June Flower
A Florida city changed its name
When Starbucks went on sale
They now embrace the coffee cult
In old Ft. Latte Dale
I worked in glue, but now I’m blue
There’s no way to wordsmith it
The problem was, I think because
I just could not stick with it
That gullible hippie
The flower child
It seems was really
Born to Be Wiled
When asked about a local lady
That priest said he’s not sure
He didn’t think he knew her but
Her faith’s fam-il-i-ar
The wizard isn’t
Doing well
Because it seems
This guy can’t spell
An electron left an atom
To have a bit of fun
The reason was because he had
His ion someone
For the measles outbreak
There’s no abatement
So says the Health Department’s
Rashest statement
Those fisherman out fishing for
The fish they have awaited
Will not be fishing very long
When they have been debated
It’s certainly true
Each time you say
“I can’t live without you”
Your life’s a cliché
State Farm Insurance has a guy
Who’ll cover your home base
If you require his services
Go ask for Justin Case
Carving wood
Into a fiddle
Works best when done
Whittle by whittle
I’m concerned for the potential
Of great misuse
Drone magazine delivery
Will raise some issues
When spring break comes
All revelers should ponder
That when it comes to accidents
A hearse is the last responder
A bovine bought a motorcycle
Straight from Nagasaki
What kind is it? The rumor is
Some kind of Cowasaki
Readers Digest
Most absurd
Has lists of naughty
Three letter words
To become a pirate
Means escape from the land
As for me, I was hooked
When I lost my first hand
The thought that Niels will be there
Is enough to make us snore
The issue’s when one talks to him
He really is a Bohr
A job in gardening seemed to work
Although I was a fool
Important things I didn’t know
Included the ground rules
That butterfly sitting
Upon the cloth
Is just another
Urban moth
Paper airplane, paper wings
Through the classroom air it zings
“Who threw that?” the teacher sings
Lots of muffled laughs it brings
Electricity?
Think electrons
Morality?
Think morons
I went to buy some spirits
But now I sit and pout
Because I just discovered
That they are all souled out
When the Vatican gets a new Pope
They say it’s not a joke
Yet they announce the decision
Using holy smoke
My next blind date
Could not be sweeter
She gives parking tickets
I can’t wait to meter
The play audition accident
Broke my arm. I was aghast
I had a couple options
And both involved a cast
So when into
The corn maze I walked
I felt that I
Was being stalked
Something that should be
Taught in school
Exceptions illustrate
Every rule
A K being silent
As I recollect
Is something that is
KNOT, correct?
Streakers at work
Are rarely recruited
Because for most things
They’re totally unsuited
A dusty floor
Is a situation
Of suffering from
Sweep deprivation
I gave tonic water
To my girl last week
That’s how I Schwepped her
Off her feet
If push comes to shove
And that’s a big ‘if’
I hope I am nowhere
Near a big cliff
Haiku’s not for me
No rhymes, just syllable counts
I die of boredom
Diana Rigg
Is gone, now we’ll
Forever miss
Mrs. Peel
My little dog
Was a kooky klutz
So I neutered him
Now he’s less nuts
The midget attack
Sent me to the hospital
All I remember
Is very little
Manicurists
With their stocks
Keep their tools
In one nail box
Long ago in ancient Rome
When they had a big election
One voting zone was quite well known
It was the CAESARIAN SECTION
While playing poker with his friends
Tom’s card count got reduced
“Someone just stole my two of hearts”
Is what this guy deduced
A group of sheep slid down a hill
It made me laugh inside
Because I realized it was
A very big lambslide
Coin-operated slot machines
Can turn rich into debtors
And all of them need to work on
Change for the bettor
A man found out
His overweight cause
Turns out his satellite dish
Picks up more than he does
Cheese was the downfall
Of Eve and Adam
Way back in
The Garden of Edam
False eyes on the back of their heads
Help protect tigers, it is said
Which gives me a very anxious thought
“Protect them from WHAT?”
When I see someone in a pony tail
Be it blonde, brunette or red
I have to laugh because I know
What that makes their head
I don’t trust that secretary
Perhaps I should explain about
The reason I am wary –
I’ve seen her type before
“Don’t worry about artificial intelligence,”
Said the voice most logically
I felt better until I got the sense
It was my Mr. Coffee talking to me
Artificial intelligence
Is made for human brains
From intelligent to moron
But won’t it make a lot more sense
To brains of silicon?
The makers of Metamucil
Know an awful lot about ya
Their stuff goes easily in ya
And even more easily out ya