One personality now
A different one later
Schizophrenic Buddhists
Are two with nature
Much Ado
Respiratory therapists
Almost never question
To them, TB or not TB
That’s the congestion
See a random verse: Limericks | Lyrics Science | Lyrics Non-Science | Silly | Silly Long
Respiratory therapists
Almost never question
To them, TB or not TB
That’s the congestion
I impersonated a senator
The cop said in the sting
Because I was just sitting there
Not doing anything
I worry cuz my calendar
Is looking quite bereft
The days remaining in this week
Are written W-T-F
There was a poem I’d hoped to write
Of drying grapes when weather’s blazin’
But writer’s block and coolish nights
Left me here with no rhyme or raisin
The credit union gave me a job
And offered many perks
But it was bad because I had
Lost interest in my work
The old truck driver
Had to hire
A known high jacker
To fix his tire
Falling in love and falling apart
Is too much for some hearts
But don’t worry. If things get nasty
There’s always angioplasty
He hated it
And made a fuss
Each time they served
Despairagus
It’s said that Stalin had success
Because of his decision
To write in lower case because
He hated capitalism
The leopard that escaped today
Police have just now caught it
Thanks to a lady who phoned to say
The animal she had spotted
My whisky bottle was damaged
A part of it agape
But I was able to fix it
Using scotch tape
Van Gogh will likely not be there
There’s no way he’ll commit
In fact, when asked if he would come
He wouldn’t ‘ear of it
Problems seem greatest in anticipation
But keep in mind, for good measure
They aren’t any different in that regard
Than treasures
And tell me please if you think I
Am being too erratic
When I declare out loud that I
Am rather MILDLY ECSTATIC
As a driver’s ed instructor
On a career I am embarking
I’ve also got a backup plan
Parallel parking
My electrician sure
Was not amused
When he said, “Get breakers”
I refused
I like old measures
They’re never wrong
Sometimes in fashion
But not furlong
The girlfriend of the dessert maker
Has on her face a frown
She’s identified the problem
He’s always pudding her down
The Levolor truck caused great concern
And gave some folks a fit
When its secret was revealed today
A blind man was driving it
I have my reasons for buying it
That hairless dog, a cur
So please don’t look at it and say
“What fur?”
My hair stylist’s home
Away from home
Is a place that she calls
Shearlock Combs
Our President leads the country
Protecting me and you
And also is the work that many
Auto fixers do
The cloned octopi
Got some grins
When someone labeled them
iTentacle twins
I saw today
Some kind of vetch
Not being a botanist, though
I’m not sure wetch
The patriot Paul upon his horse
Alerted people plenty
I think it is the reason why
He was revered by many
I am a very thrifty sort
Or so my friends all say
Because I like to save my work
For a rainy day
If times get tough, remember this
Advice for which I stress
When busting open piggy banks
You must beat them cents-less
Making an aardvark
Is not very hard
Mix one part vark
With one part aard
Of that cat
It has been written
She ate some yarn
And gave birth to mittens
The tiny space rock
Has some woes
After the collision
It’s cometose
A Lhaso Apso and a collie
Should I breed them? Perhaps so
I’d get a dog that I could fold
Since it would be a Collapso
Conducting orchestras
He was quite slick at
The kind of thing
You shake a stick at
I’ve spoiled the plot of Dorian Gray
Again, so I’ve been told
I must admit I enjoy doing that
It never, ever gets old
A Wheel of Fortune
Mascot’s right
For a team that’s called
The Havana Whites
The graphic designers’ argument
Left both of them quite miffed
They are not speaking anymore
It was a major Tiff
I think by now that guy understands
The reason for all the buzz
He was late getting to his daughter’s birth
So, dad on arrival he was
Edible underwear’s
Getting quirky
Now they’re making
New brief jerky
In my garden, tiny snake
Hissing noises do you make
Go away now, on your own
And I will leave
Your home alone
The sewing book author
Clearly stated
Her writing was
Fabricated
He told her it was love at first sight
But to maximize his chances
He kept on taking
Second glances
Though I clearly
Stated wishes
No one ever
Did the dishes
That southerner
Just got persuaded
His swamp will be
Bayou degraded
The lady glared at me and asked
Was I some kind of crook?
It seems her watch was missing and
She had that timeless look
The Taiwan team
In actuality
Dominates
The Taipei Personalities
The Tinnitus Help line’s
Light is blinking
I hear their phone
Will not stop ringing
He thought he was getting ahead
Feeling fine
Til he realized what he had passed
Was his prime
Everything that
A soapmaker requires
Revolves around
Being a lyer
The mattress store
Never fail
Is having another
Spring sale
When it comes to evaporated milk
I ask myself, “why buy?”
It seems each one you open up
Would be completely dry
A seagull died unexpectedly
Now the other gulls are wary
After they read about the death
In its obeachuary
Toilet paper
Is hard to beat
It’s what ghosts use
After they sheet
The famous Dracula
Is tantamount
To being a
Red blood cell count
Whiskey sure helps
Folks to mingle
Cuz after a double
They feel single
You shouldn’t get mad
When folks say you’re fat
Because we all know
You’re bigger than that
Lot’s wife
Unless I’m mistaken
After her experience
Was shaken
The cowboy won the roping show
Down at the Marriott
The prize they gave to him declares
That he’s a Nobel lariat
That smart fish swimming
Over by the dam
Sees the hooked worm
As an online scam
X may ring
Elon Musk’s chimes
But for mathematicians
It’s just a sign of the times
An atheist
Can’t be ignored
Once they have cut
Their umbiblical cord
A slim chance and fat chance
Are the same, it’s the pits
But wise men and wise guys
Are exact opposites
The old cowboy said
He feared falling and then
Not being able
To giddyup again
Her snootiness shows
In the items she’s chosen
Preferring fresh ice
To the stuff that is frozen
That worker with a slab of glass
Is acting most disdainful
But if it falls upon his @ss
He’ll find it very paneful
Wise are the people with something to say
Who articulate with poise
Fools are people who have to say something
But gesticulate and make noise
It’s time to make up your mind
It really would be prudent
To be one or the other
Instead of a GRADUATE STUDENT
He’d really like to be a wit
But feels a great despair
Despite the best of efforts
He’s only halfway there
The guy who works on my car
Is the worst I’ve ever seen
Recently he was featured in
Unpopular Mechanics magazine
An agate landed on my mints
It’s good no one got hurt
And now I’m feeling just like Prince
With my own rock on Certs
When waiting for Amtrak
On any occasion
Relax and practice
Trainscendental meditation
A sushi restaurant down the street
Is certainly undaunted
When it is short of what it needs
Their window says “Kelp wanted”
Though loftiness is what
Their travel evokes
Flight attendants really
Are just plane folks
That poker player
Plotting hard
Is ready for the changing
Of the card
Here’s an image
I like oodles
Cannibals eating
Raw men noodles
If you are studying geology
Then please remember this
To practicing geologists
Igneous is bliss
The chimney sweep
Knew what to do
Called in today
Sick with the flue
A potter I know was very sad
And broke into a sob
He didn’t know that getting fired
Is the main part of his job
Shipboard barbecues
Are very thrilling
Perhaps because of
Offshore grilling
Hallucinations and dating
Are the same says one big study
Because the fact is either way
You seem to be seeing somebody
The stationmaster’s kids
Are quite ingrained
I guess that’s cuz they’re
So well trained
Living in the real world
Isn’t very nice
If you’re used to being
A bird of paradise
My basketball-philosophy club?
There’s none that’s any greater
Because of our priorities
“Shoot first, ask questions later”
When the tournament got rained out
It was an occasion
To give each child a trophy
For precipitation
The doctor’s message
Was my worst fear
She said I was deaf
That was difficult to hear
Some info going ‘round the town
Is very hard to quell
It is an OPEN SECRET
That you are free to tell
Defining words is hard to do
So listen to me here
‘Opaque’ is quite confusing cuz
Its meaning is unclear
My little dog
Was a kooky klutz
So I neutered him
Now he’s less nuts
I saw today is Opposite Day
As soon as I’d arisen
It is the time when what usually is
Isn’t
The Pi Piper is
One of my friends
I love his music
It never ends
A rope’s a rope, a string’s a string
Distinctive and discrete
Because of this, it’s often said
“Never the twine shall meet”
My vacuum cleaner
Is broken, yuck
It really sucks
When it doesn’t suck
Please let me hand out the cards
To you, I appeal
Because that would be
I deal
He hadn’t had a date in years
So getting one was an occasion
When she noted his hands were cold
He said, “I’ve been out of circulation”
The medical advice
Of which I’m sure
Is to keep a uterus
At womb temperature
Driving drunk
No lion could
But possibly
A Tiger Wood
The sale on fishing
Hooks was great
Cuz each one came
With a big re-bait
Birds are better off
I guess
At pursuing life, liberty
And happy nests
The wedding planner’s description
Of her work is rather funny
She says she makes her living from
A lot of cere-money
A piece of advice
That a wise person knows
It is better to go outdoors
Than outwindows
I started a matchmaking service
For chickens, what a feat!
What were my thoughts in doing so?
Just making hens meet
When the legume got married
To her favorite squeeze
Presiding was
A justice of the peas
My Michelins got stolen
It caused me great mayhem
And now that is the reason why
I work tirelessly to find them
In a one course Italian meal
The entree will be lonely
Since what they are serving
Is ravionli
The gametes are an incredible slew
You’ve really gotta love ‘em
Indeed, sperms say of eggs, it’s true
“We cannot get enough ovum”
“Cottage cheese,” I blurted out
To friends surprisingly
Then, to address their puzzlement
I said, “It’s just a curd to me”
‘Mongst Halloween fans
There is a big schism
Some love the witches
Others Boodism
Time worked against me
Then I got it straight
‘Til you show up for something
You cannot be late
Rhyme and meter
Are how I fly
Because poetically
I’m an ABCB kind of guy
My fave group for now
Can make lots of noise
They’re called The Subtractions
“Take it away boys”
Boosting attendance
Is one of their goals
So theaters are serving
Cinema rolls
What is the world to a chair?
It’s a place to let people sit there
They can let out a sigh
As the world passes by
Leaving all of their problems elsewhere
The instructor I hired
Has my bird overeating
I think it is time
For a parrot-teacher meeting
That Indian guy should be very proud
Of his amazing physique
I don’t know how he does it
Since he always seems to be Sikh
I never saw a purple mushroom
And never thought I’d see one
But after I fixed one for dinner
I’m feeling I might be one
What is the world to your mom?
It’s you, because you are the bomb
She will always adore you
And be right there for you
Even after you’ve grown and you’re gone
In Holland, “Bottoms up”
Means more than just good cheer
In fact, the loose translation is
“Your Heineken drink Dutch beer”
A smile is your friend
For the message it sends
To send or receive?
On you it depends
If heavy drinkers
You try to thwart
They’ll throw themselves
On the mercy of the quart
The gynecologist every day
Most surely earns her dime
Her sign says “I Am Always At”
“Your Cervix All The Time”
The cannibal
Is out of luck
None of his favorite
Ground Chuck
The old gray mare
Wishes she had a penny
For every time she’d stopped
Cuz her whoas were many
It seems that Buddhists’ food demands
Are now on the increase
Refusing to lunch on chicken wings,
They want an inner piece
A Donor Card’s not a Debit Card
Please hear me now I beg
I confused the two just yesterday
It cost me an arm and a leg
That gullible hippie
The flower child
It seems was really
Born to Be Wiled
Losing one’s temper
Is bad, you know
Kick an ICBM
Get missile toe
Most happily
The chemist sings
“I like to keep”
“Anion things”
Halloween’s exciting
For teenage ghost heart throbs
The boys spend their time spiffing up
While the girls all get boo jobs
Alexander Bell
Has another thing
But if he can get out
He’ll give us a ring
A marbleous statue
Please don’t pan it
They’re very often
Taken for granite
N is a problem also
That needs to be stemmed
Or else our language
Could be CONDEMNED
Ariana Grande
Has all she might want
But if music starts to sour for her
She could become a font
The even numbers as a group
Are feeling very glum
Because in order to enter a bar
You must be 21
Fast car
Gas car
Pass car
NASCAR
“Do you know where to get a toupee?”
My good buddy said
I smiled and replied
“Not off the top of my head”
I never should have listened
To them and all their talking
“Follow your dreams,” they told me
Now I’m sleepwalking
Sometime your mood can give to you
A painful stomach ache
I know where I got my recent one
It must have something I hate
A triangle and a circle
Played a game at a local joint
Which the triangle won most handily
Cuz the circle couldn’t make a point
Fixing tires
Expertly
Requires a rather
Big flat fee
If Jessica Biel
Has a son, you know
I hope she gives him
The name “Batmo”
A British town has disappeared
According to all the news feeds
It’s a mystery just how it happened
Police are searching for Leeds
In Oregon, it rains so much
The streets are sometimes wavy
And services supporting folks
Are the Salvation Navy
A thief got caught stealing
Purple flowers many times
The judge threw the book at him
For all his violet crimes
That dreadfully boring Powerpoint talk
Proved he’s not a speaking whiz
In it, he clearly demonstrated
What the longest distance between two points is
My sympathetic friend’s for you
Her empathy’s appealing
Please tell your plight to her, not me
I have mixed drinks about feelings
My grief counselor died
This news I share
He was so good
That I don’t care
Panama’s canal
Is truly great
A very massive
Inside strait
So many things I need to do
And it just seems to me
That my to-do list really is
An “ought-to” biography
As your career takes off one day
I hope you will recall
That the top rung of the ladder
Is the easiest place from which to fall
Violin bows
Can do many tricks
But to most of us
They’re just fiddlesticks
So you jog a lot?
Big deal, I say
My nose goes running
Every single day
The Hug Hotline’s phone machine
Has a message very bold
It simply states
“Please Hold”
Regarding chicken, there only is
One thing you need to know
The Colonel’s version is truly great
The General’s, just Tso, Tso
Your adulterous acts
Are quite astounding
You’ll get caught
Evidence is mounting
On Amazon, I just now bought
A device called a locator
It told me that the weight I lost
Was in the refrigerator
I felt insulted very bad
While out last Friday night
They said I’d no direction sense
So I got up and right
I have to say of my masseuse
Her work could not be greater
And so I would describe her as
A soothe operator
If a power plant
Gets lowly rated
Are workers there
Degenerated?
Gynecology
Sometimes entails
The practice of
Spreading old wives’ tails
I went and made a blanket
Then found a store that sold it
Alas they didn’t do too well
And very quickly folded
Like many a star who’s battled drugs
To deal with awful pain
Kermit the Frog is needing hugs
Cuz he’s hooked on croakaine
My plans for a spice garden
Are sadly gone cuz I’m
Unable to go and plant it
I do not have the thyme
Copernicus would enjoy it
But the chances are rather slim
He’s not the best of guests because
The world revolves around him
Ghosts prefer
Their books most thickly
Cuz they can go through them
Rather quickly
Biology is very particular about
The process of multiplication
Cuz a baby cannot be made in a month
By creating nine impregnations
A dog floats in the water
Chasing after toys
Everybody knows because
They all are good buoys
Lonesome is the way you feel
When you’re without your honey
And also what a bank will do
With its vaults full of money
Nine months to some
May seem an eternity
Although to others
It’s a maternity
The creator of Domino’s has died
The cause remains a mystery
No matter, though, it’s over now
And he’s a pizza history
An E. coli outbreak worried folks
Some lettuce was too muddy
The CDC said, and I quote
“Romaine calm everybody”
A smile that could guide ships in the night
A voice of angelic delight
A beautiful lass too suddenly gone
Olivia Newton-John
The best dessert is left to last
The price, though, very high
I think that it is justified
The General Custard Pie
Calendars are important
I need to be reminded
That they are mostly useful for
Those folks who are week-minded
The art thieves worked
Quite fast, you know
When they went to grab
The Monet and Gogh
Two bodies irresistibly attracted
Is it love or depravity?
Sometimes a very strong case can be made
For gravity
Down in France,
They all prefer
To be rooting for
The Cannes Openers
The yogi brought
Dodge City fun
Transcendental meditation –
How the West was one
I used to build sandcastles with grandpa
But a lesson I had to learn
Came to me when my mother
Went and hid his urn
Yes, indeed
I’m at it again
I’ve colonized the moon
M:O:O:N
I’m not sure
This has been divulged
But sumo wrestling
Is a Battle of the Bulged
I know I’ve added
Pounds replete
When I put on
My swimming suite
I’ll get some laughs tonight, I guess
It’s been a long dry spell
The good news on the street is that
I avenue joke to tell
A documentary has been released
Its title, rather prime
The story’s of the President
They call it “Biden – His Time”
The heart surgeon told him
To be careful with eating
And to be kind to his aorta
It’s taking a beating
Around some singers
I am quite wary
Cuz I’m allergic
To Peter, Pollen, Mary
In Prague the team’s
A bunch of trouncers
Otherwise known as
The big Czech Bouncers
If they boldly go where no one has gone
Through galaxies everywhere
How is it possible the Star Trek crew
Encounters someone there?
A Chinese astronaut
Very soon
May take a wok up
On the moon
When the Venetian blinds salesperson
Got fired, it’s for sure
The boss explained clearly
It was curtains for her
The old woman who lives in a shoe
Has a boyfriend she thinks is great
Apparently she is telling her friends
That he is her sole mate
I’m going to give to each of you
A very simple task
Change w’s to t’s in ‘where’, ‘what’, ‘when’
To answer the questions that they ask
It is claimed every scientist knows
Yogurt with labor’s no joy
Which explains the statement, I suppose
All work and Yoplait make Jack a dull boy
Acting’s a message
Someone’s sending
That involves pretending
They’re not pretending
Causing all kinds
Of unnecessary strife
The board game thief
Got Life
My plumber is busy
And I am pissed
They put me on
Their wading list
For my Visa account password
‘Sigmund’ sure annoyed
It got me in big trouble
A case of credit card Freud
Despots never seem to know
When there will be a crisis
The news arrives to them as just
A bunch of peasant surprises
The bartender drank so awful much
They said that he was blinded
And when he didn’t remember it
He claimed to be absinthe-minded
Stephen Hawking responded
To say as we begin
We’ll see him once again that day
When he comes rolling in
My bird is dead
Not a peep
Now for sale
Won’t go cheep
The funeral home
Has a plan that sucks
They cremate pirates
To urn a few bucs
“One white, one black, one blonde”
Fought crime on our TVs
For Mod Squad’s lovely Peggy
It was a Lipton tease
One personality now
A different one later
Schizophrenic Buddhists
Are two with nature
Clarence made
A mistake today
On leaving the wig store
He forgot toupee
My spaniel’s not adopted
Don’t look at me agog
Because the fact of the matter is
She’s my biological dog
Just one question
If I dare
Wouldn’t vanishing be easier
Into thick air?
Lost in his thoughts
He’s in trouble galore
Never having traveled
That road before
Good story tellers
Experience shows
Know how to put
The rose in prose
I do not think
It’s wrong in practice
To describe a dream
As mind over mattress