Nappy Time

For English mothers
It’s absurd
Remember that
“Mum’s” the word

Mid Terms

The red wave predicted
Was imprecise
Methinks there was
A pollstergeist

Double Meanings

To burglarize is stealing things
We know that it is true
They also are the things through which
The thief is seeing you

Very Gouda

Transylvanian cheese tastes great
So says our local punster
He claims it otherwise is known
As Dr. Frankenstein’s muenster

On the Savannah

Eat better in the new year
Make good contributions
And don’t get eaten by lions
2023’s gnu year resolutions

Getting a Buzz

To bees, a hive
Is like a dorm
They stay in winter
Cuz ‘swarm

Humpty Dummy

If you’re looking for love
Then seek out cupid
And if your IQ’s low
There’s OK Stupid

An Oxymoron

I thought I got the only one
When I bought my antique
But there must be another one

Armor Hammer

A knight’s awareness
Left him enraged
It seems his garb
Makes him look middle-aged

Getting Started

A doorman has
Just one mission
In this entry
Level position

Kid Verse

What is the world to a chair?
It’s a place to let people sit there
They can let out a sigh
As the world passes by
Leaving all of their problems elsewhere

Martini Time

I’d say it’s time now for a teeny
Celebration with martinis
To say thanks to the medic genies
Who gave us all the new vaccinis

All Washed Up

Please call the arms negotiators
This matter’s very urgent
My thinking’s that a Tide pod might
Be a nuclear detergent

No Need to Weight

Two astronauts
Lois and Ted
Did not fall in love
They floated instead

No Bull

The stockyard SWAT team
Tried something new
On arriving, yelled,

Out With the Tide

They had a romance that was intense
Entwining each young heart
‘Twas said their love was quite immense
But the houseboat couple drifted apart

Heavenly Buddy

The astronomer quit
No one knows why
He only said
“No more Mr. Night Sky”

Party RSVPs

Pierre and Marie Curie
Say the event they’re awaiting
And with enthusiasm
They’re radiating

Speeding Problem

The cause of the NASCAR driver’s death
Has arrived a bit belated
The investigation clearly shows
That it was race-related

Shape Shift

As we get older
Our weight shifts “down there”
I think that’s why people say
My wife and I make a great pear

Believe it or Not

That religious guy
Took a look
At a new social media site

Romanov Topic

An historian who earns lots of dough
Caused folks to go in spasm
Saying Russian leader snideness
Makes a terrible czar chasm

Fact or Fancy

And regarding my climbing
Of Everest, yup
One way it is true
That I made it up

Anagram Fun

The SNOOZE ALARMS mean sleeping
You can push as oft you please
But when you do that you should know
It means “ALAS NO MORE Z’S”


Chinese lumberjacks have a way
Of getting their cutting licks
They use big axes, also known
As their own chopsticks

Old Goaled

Retirement’s when
You gotta believe
People take
Maturity leave

Hi Beams

A firefly has
No imagination
Finding mates
By the process of illumination

Better Half

He’d really like to be a wit
But feels a great despair
Despite the best of efforts
He’s only halfway there

Famous Restaurant Menu

Along those lines, remember that
You need more than protein
So don’t forget to get yourself
Some tasty Lorne Green Beans

Up in the Air

Though loftiness is what
Their travel evokes
Flight attendants really
Are just plane folks

The Leash I Could Do

Each time I walk my dachshund
The feeling’s rather grand
What else could be expected from
Walking in a wiener wonderland?

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Paul McCartney’s talented
His music, out of sight
And now, on top of everything
He’s a Hard Day’s Knight

Tae Kwon Don’t

Learn the martial arts?
No, I won’t
For me, it’s a matter
Of Tae Kwon Don’t

Earning Wings

If you decide
To fly to Peru
Use their airline
Mach 2 Picchu

To the Letter

You’ll find no ‘i’ in TEAM
No matter the spelling scheme
However, I cannot resist
Noting the two in NARCISSIST

Live by the Sword?

Consider the anteater, eating ants
They taste too good to quit
But on the day the anteater dies
The ants eat it


“Please don’t put carpet on my steps”
I told the builder there
I suppose that’s why he gave to me
A really big blank stair

Touching Situation

When I get massaged
I have to say
That it is great
To have a feeled day


My new thesaurus
Is not so strong
Under “incorrect”
Every word is wrong

Running It Off

That athlete got the jitters bad
The coffee pull is strong
But she’s reducing it a tad
With a decaf-alon

Fort What It’s Worth

A Houstonian came to visit
Overstaying, then dismissed
In order to get rid of him
They used a Texorcist

Veteran’s Day

Today we think of the unknown soldier
Leaving flowers at the grave
But really it’s the known ones whom
We need to work to save


My love of writing
Is undiminished
Despite a lot of
Verses unfinished


The ASPCA knows well
A story it retells
It’s about a dentist who fights
Cruelty to enamels

Ram, Rom, Rum

Internet laughter
Hits new heights
It now is measured
In gigglebytes

Mess Hall

My coffee table
Looks like an ocean
From a drink I spilled
In one fluid motion

Dig It

My dog is digging in the yard
And making quite a mess
About this pooch I’d have to say
His paws abilities seem limitless

Leveled Off

Kansans are a
Hearty band
Living off
The flat of the land

Mixed Message

A conundrum I had
When I was a youth
Saying, “I’m lying in bed”
But telling the truth

An Oxymoron

You should try to avoid
The ultimate futility
Anytime someone refers to

Modern Times

I’m happy I’m not single
Pursuing a sweetheart
I can’t imagine dating
And keeping six feet apart

Coded Message

I got a big apology
To which I had been owed
’Twas written in dots and dashes, though
Some kind of remorse code

Japan Ease

A sumo wrestler
Fears for nuttin’
With crazy garb
And belly buttin’

Standing Tall

Pink flamingoes
I have heard
Have a leg up
On other birds

Famous Obits

Nichelle (Nichols), our belle
Loved by millions
As Uhura well
Our Nichelle

Nuts and Bolts

A carpenter sailed round the world
Just think of where he’s been
He couldn’t do it by himself
He took his screw with him


Drinkers of beer from cans
In their home environs
Prefer to pump aluminum
Instead of irons

Cocker Spaniels

That pet trimming salon
Just makes me smile
They call themselves
Doggy Style

Cleaning Up

Here’s a show
For Nickelodean
“Ocean Janitor – ”
“Jacques Cousteudian”

Taking Orders

The waitress’ work
Is rather stable
It’s not much fun
But it puts food on the table

Space Case

My spacebar’sworking randomly
Itmakesmewant toshout
Cuzwordsare easiertoread
All s p a c e d out

My First Heart Throb

A smile that could guide ships in the night
A voice of angelic delight
A beautiful lass too suddenly gone
Olivia Newton-John

Popping Off

Here it’s stated
What the facts is
Pay back taxes

Miss Communication

When one spouse asked
“Do you listen to what I state?”
The reply was quick
“Thanks, honey. A beer sounds great”

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

A friend said I won’t go far
Because I procrastinate
But I got the last word when I said,
“Just you wait”

Another Meaning

A little lie, that’s all it was
Not deceitful, proud, or bold
I didn’t think it mattered much
That FIBULA I told

Repeat Performance

There’s a first time for everything
This I knew
With one exception
Déjà vu

Local Lo-cal

For losing weight, my doctor said
“Here’s one new thing, please try it”
And that is how I got onto
My new glutton free diet

Die a Stolic

That angry guy
Has reached the stage
Where high blood pressure
Is all the rage

An Oxymoron

it’s completely ridiculous
So go and make some noise
If a person says they are giving you


The comfiness,
My buddy said,
Is from the spring water
In his water bed

To Boldly Go

Boldly going on this train
Is Spock on the lower deck
Exploring brand new rail frontiers

Getting Hosed

The pantyhose inventor
It seems to me
Has left behind
Quite a leg a see

Tickling Fancies

Those girls are stuck up with a yen
For things all hoochie-coochie
How do the rich guys tickle them?
Gucci, Gucci, Gucci

Copy That?

Xerox bought Wurlitzer
Said JP Morgan
And now they make
Reproductive organs

On the Up and Up

Condoms can provide
Very good protection
In a store you’ll find them
In the hard wear section

Famous Person Party RSVP

Einstein wrote back quickly with
An answer short and cheesy
He said for him attendance
Would be relatively easy

Prime Numbers

Primes are irrational integers
Cuz they can’t be divided
By any other integers
Mathematics has provided

At the Buzz-er

I’m in a class to cultivate
Some marijuana and I
Can note with pride that on our test
My score was rather high

He Slugged Him

A little snail got sent to jail
I’m told it was his fault
Because this guy did not comply
Imprisoned for a salt

Maturity Issue

They’re juvenile
And make you moan
Cuz all these puns
Are full groan


One piece of bread in the toaster
Two pieces of toast come out
It seems to me what happened
Was mitoastis, without a doubt

Fit to be Tide

A fish
Who has any sense
Always keeps up
On current events

Mo Joe

Starbucks workers
Ever eager
Describe themselves
As grounds keepers

Silent Alphabet

R is a challenge
So please don’t get violent
When I tell you that CARROT
Has its second one silent

Famous Obits

Gallagher’s life
In November came crashing
To an end
No more melon smashing

Ego Manic

For working with people
The best advice I’ve seen
Is that praising of others
Lets off some esteem

Belly Up

I said to the dealer
“So what’s the skinny?”
“Should I get an Audi”
“Or just an innie?”

Light Slippers

The shoe store says
They’re used to it
People coming in
And having a fit

Meme Teme

Every time
I see a meme
I feel like I
Could screme

Worm Hole

The sale on fishing
Hooks was great
Cuz each one came
With a big re-bait

Wee Wee

The French water I craved
Is finally here
And all I can say is
“Eau dear”


It was a grill
The doll fell to
So it got cooked
A Barbie Q

Mamma Meana

He mocked the spaghetti
Deserved what he got
Seems he just
Hit a sauce spot

Not Taking the Bait

That smart fish swimming
Over by the dam
Sees the hooked worm
As an online scam

Short of It

My friend said contractions
Keep popping up everywhere
I looked at her and said

Famous Obits

Sidney Poitier’s gone and how
A magnificent multi-award winner
And it probably is apparent now
Who’s Not Coming to Dinner

Sham Poo

Drug resistant lice
Evade the meds
And leave researchers
Scratching their heads

Sticky Fingers

The police all knew
The one to nab
A shoplifter with
The gift of grab

Avoid the Draft

My house’s broken window
Needs fixing, that is plain
I really hate to do it, though
Because it’s such a pane

Sandy Way Go

Walking the Sahara
Seems to me to be
Quite surreal
Long time, no sea

Gus to Dust

Into a grinder fell my friend
It must have hurt, and how!
No need to worry ‘bout him, though
Because he’s all fine now

Freighty Cads

When they shipped snails
From France, you know
The ship was labeled
SS Cargot

Wait Less

A recent development
Wasn’t surprising
When a gravity denier
Started an uprising

Famous Funny

Reese, it’s true
Each day ‘fore noon
Eats her cereal

Career Options

Now I do not have a job
I sit around and wonder
Do meteorologists feel like me
That someone stole their thunder?

Inside Story

I’m getting a reversible jacket
And there’s no doubt
I can’t wait to see
How it turns out

Stolen Goods

The henhouse thief
Has been reproached
The eggs he had
Were really poached

Strangely Arranged

Ripley’s Believe it or Not
Dates back to the Victorian
And keeps all its stuff
In an odditorium

The Naked Mole Rats

A naked mole rat’s never cold
Whenever it is naked, holed
They’re very odd to look at, those
But not as strange as ones with clothes

For a Spell

My language skills
Really suck
That’s why I rely
On spell chuck

Weighed Loss

Skinny people
I must complain
Have nothing to lose
And much to gain


To combat a world
With much unfairness
I eat dried grapes
For raisin awareness

Super Bowel

Your cake decorator needs an editor
I said to the manager in a scowl
Cuz the cake you made me for today
Wishes a “Happy Super Bowel”


There are problems at the smelting plant
That will not go away
And as a result, expect to see
Some develop metal delays

Wheat Loss

My diet plan
Is a winner
Eating rope for lunch
Skipping dinner


The German cats, it’s often said
For happiness must strive
Because they’re bored most every day
Since they all have nein lives

Hot Stuff

The glowing horse in the wild west show
Is most certainly attractive
I suppose the reason’s cuz he is
Very rodeo active


I’m guessing that
It just might tickle
Freezing your butt off
To an assicle

Silent Alphabet

For unpronounced W’s
I must go along
With the curious claim
That WRITE is the same as WRONG


That writer of great ironies
Is wealthy, so it’s said
The pay for all his efforts is
A whole bunch of wry bread

Band in Boston

A drummer guy
That I once knew
Named his daughters
Anna 1, Anna 2

Barely Present

I put upon my head my hat
And on my feet my shoes
But forgot what goes on in between
Hey look, I’m on the evening news

Off Beat

I love to tell police jokes
So many I’ve expressed
I’ve heard a few complaints of late
So I’ll give it arrest

Bomb Swelter

Losing one’s temper
Is bad, you know
Kick an ICBM
Get missile toe

Lighten Up

When it comes to evaporated milk
I ask myself, “why buy?”
It seems each one you open up
Would be completely dry

Other Spirits

A ghost said
If he had to choose
He’d go to the bar
Just for the boos

Nose Drive

A plane has crashed
Because, you know
The pilot erred by
Flying solo

No Sheet

My imaginary friend
Came to visit on a whim
So I went out and
Made up a bed for him

What’s the Juice?

A lemon got sick
But had to grin
When the doc declared
She’d squeeze him in

Last One

At the party today
We had over lunch
My friends all beat me
To the punch

Putting It On

A procrastinator I am not
Emphatically, I say
I refuse to put off until tomorrow
Anything I can enjoy today

All My Exes are in Texas

When Davy Crockett got divorced
His ex called him a phony
And cautioned him when they broke up
To “Remember the alimony”

Word Fun

Into a store a duck did go
To get his Chapstick fill
When asked how he would pay for it
He said, “Just put it on my bill”

Hands Down

A naked man
In church was sought
And by the organ
He was caught

Silent Alphabet

The E’s at the end
All make the same sound
That linquists call NONE

2021 Obituary

Holbrook’s famous one-man show
Was quite the acting feat
It’s even more remarkable
Cuz ne’er the Twain did he meet

Holy Mackerel

The angry fisherman
Loudly swearing
Got taken to court
For a herring

Rash Decision

My poison ivy lotion business
Truly has no match
It’s something that I worked on hard
Creating it from scratch

Van White

I bought a Honda minivan
It is a bunch of fun
Has everything I wanted
You Odyssey it run

Buy Tuminous

Coal miners really
Get goose bumps
Each day as they
Take their lumps

Movie Buzz

That honey making video
Is really groovy
Highly recommended
A good bee movie


She always arrives late
Sometimes by an hour
I think that her ancestors
Came on the June Flower

Name Game

A Florida city changed its name
When Starbucks went on sale
They now embrace the coffee cult
In old Ft. Latte Dale

Career Options

I worked in glue, but now I’m blue
There’s no way to wordsmith it
The problem was, I think because
I just could not stick with it

Puzzled Look

That gullible hippie
The flower child
It seems was really
Born to Be Wiled

God Squad

When asked about a local lady
That priest said he’s not sure
He didn’t think he knew her but
Her faith’s fam-il-i-ar

Charged Up

An electron left an atom
To have a bit of fun
The reason was because he had
His ion someone


For the measles outbreak
There’s no abatement
So says the Health Department’s
Rashest statement

Job Failures

Those fisherman out fishing for
The fish they have awaited
Will not be fishing very long
When they have been debated

Cheap Talk

It’s certainly true
Each time you say
“I can’t live without you”
Your life’s a cliché

Word Fun

State Farm Insurance has a guy
Who’ll cover your home base
If you require his services
Go ask for Justin Case

In the Sticks

Carving wood
Into a fiddle
Works best when done
Whittle by whittle

Up, Up, and Away

I’m concerned for the potential
Of great misuse
Drone magazine delivery
Will raise some issues

Drive In Moving

When spring break comes
All revelers should ponder
That when it comes to accidents
A hearse is the last responder

Udderly Ridiculous

A bovine bought a motorcycle
Straight from Nagasaki
What kind is it? The rumor is
Some kind of Cowasaki

In Brief

Readers Digest
Most absurd
Has lists of naughty
Three letter words


To become a pirate
Means escape from the land
As for me, I was hooked
When I lost my first hand

Famous Person Party RSVP

The thought that Niels will be there
Is enough to make us snore
The issue’s when one talks to him
He really is a Bohr

Career Options

A job in gardening seemed to work
Although I was a fool
Important things I didn’t know
Included the ground rules

City Slicker

That butterfly sitting
Upon the cloth
Is just another
Urban moth

Paper Airplane

Paper airplane, paper wings
Through the classroom air it zings
“Who threw that?” the teacher sings
Lots of muffled laughs it brings

Booziness as Usual

I went to buy some spirits
But now I sit and pout
Because I just discovered
That they are all souled out

Burning Issue

When the Vatican gets a new Pope
They say it’s not a joke
Yet they announce the decision
Using holy smoke

Lovely Rita

My next blind date
Could not be sweeter
She gives parking tickets
I can’t wait to meter

Role Playing

The play audition accident
Broke my arm. I was aghast
I had a couple options
And both involved a cast

An Earful

So when into
The corn maze I walked
I felt that I
Was being stalked

Rule of Thumb

Something that should be
Taught in school
Exceptions illustrate
Every rule

Silent Alphabet

A K being silent
As I recollect
Is something that is
KNOT, correct?

Bare With Me

Streakers at work
Are rarely recruited
Because for most things
They’re totally unsuited

Mopping Up

A dusty floor
Is a situation
Of suffering from
Sweep deprivation

Bubbly Personality

I gave tonic water
To my girl last week
That’s how I Schwepped her
Off her feet

One Giant Leap

If push comes to shove
And that’s a big ‘if’
I hope I am nowhere
Near a big cliff


Haiku’s not for me
No rhymes, just syllable counts
I die of boredom

2020 Obituary

Diana Rigg
Is gone, now we’ll
Forever miss
Mrs. Peel


My little dog
Was a kooky klutz
So I neutered him
Now he’s less nuts

Short Tempers

The midget attack
Sent me to the hospital
All I remember
Is very little

Mani Pedi

With their stocks
Keep their tools
In one nail box

Another Meaning

Long ago in ancient Rome
When they had a big election
One voting zone was quite well known

Tom Swiftie-Style Verses

While playing poker with his friends
Tom’s card count got reduced
“Someone just stole my two of hearts”
Is what this guy deduced

Ram Bunctious

A group of sheep slid down a hill
It made me laugh inside
Because I realized it was
A very big lambslide

Quarters, Please

Coin-operated slot machines
Can turn rich into debtors
And all of them need to work on
Change for the bettor

Wait Lifter

A man found out
His overweight cause
Turns out his satellite dish
Picks up more than he does

Tiger Protection

False eyes on the back of their heads
Help protect tigers, it is said
Which gives me a very anxious thought
“Protect them from WHAT?”

A Horse’s Posterior

When I see someone in a pony tail
Be it blonde, brunette or red
I have to laugh because I know
What that makes their head

You Know the Type

I don’t trust that secretary
Perhaps I should explain about
The reason I am wary –
I’ve seen her type before

Your Eyelids Are Getting Very Heavy

“Don’t worry about artificial intelligence,”
Said the voice most logically
I felt better until I got the sense
It was my Mr. Coffee talking to me


Artificial intelligence
Is made for human brains
From intelligent to moron
But won’t it make a lot more sense
To brains of silicon?


The makers of Metamucil
Know an awful lot about ya
Their stuff goes easily in ya
And even more easily out ya