Silly

They asked if I could write a verse
That would be loved by everyone
I said I might, if the wording’s right
But this is not the one

People say I talk about trees too much
I really try not to, but forget
My therapist says there’s progress
But I’m not out of the woods yet

The library’s mirror
Is all about
Letting people
Self-check out

How can you be right and wrong at once
In quantum mechanical language superposition?
It’s very easy. Simply declare that
You can’t end a sentence with ‘a preposition’

Backpacking, you say?
I don’t know why
Cuz it’s better to let
Sleeping bags lie

Of contortionists
I’m rather fond
I hear they train at
Bend Back and Beyond

Volkswagen’s now making cookies
Their product is free of gluten
So far, they have a marketing plan
Based on “Fahrfignewton”
(thanks to Bruce Halley for the idea)

It’s clever how
One restaurant writes it
“A hot dog feeds”
“The hand that bites it”

The difference is big
And very strange
Between resisting change
And resisting being changed

My gastroenterologist
Laughs and grins
Saying, “the road to health”
“Is paved with good intestines”

This virus will not
Let me roam
I feel I’ve got
Stuckhome syndrome

If life is a giant canvas
A part of some grand design
Remember the very best paintings
Weren’t made by staying in the lines

As I sit here drinking
Gin and tonic
It strikes me that
Steel is ironic

A month was torn from my calendar
And then it got mislaid
So now I’d say I’m feeling
Very dismayed

In King Arthur’s day
The wizards knew quite well
That you would lose your job
If you couldn’t spell

If a power plant
Gets lowly rated
Are workers there
Degenerated?

The time for celebrating Christmas is here
With millions hailing the Messiah
As for me, “All I Want for Christmas”
Is no more Mariah

When the tournament got rained out
It was an occasion
To give each child a trophy
For precipitation

My friend who earns
A library wage
Is Mrs. Turner
First name, Paige

My dermatologist’s
Standing tall
Her son is going
To collagen the fall

If you fight dinosaurs
I would predict
You’ll probably get
Jurassic kicked

Snow dropping from the sky
Cursed by travelers driving by
Snow so beautiful that I see
Snow big deal to me

Boot camp is
Rather cool
Because you’re entering
Private school

My advice for aspiring writers
Is to the point, not vague
Whatever you do, it’s important to
Avoid cliches, like the plague

The Jenny Craig phone system
I really hate
After holding for an hour
They said, “Sorry for your weight”

And finally to close it out
Before this verse is done
I’ll tell you that ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Is the same as TWELVE PLUS ONE

Kansans are a
Hearty band
Living off
The flat of the land

A one person shop
You’d likely guess
Has an owner who minds
Their own business

The scuba diver
To water marches
Paying expensive
Depth charges

An Alaskan bird got lost
And now won’t get to mate
All because it couldn’t
Keep its Bering’s Strait

The old gray mare
Wishes she had a penny
For every time she had stopped
Cuz her whoas were many

Whenever 9:00 pm rolled around
Little Louis would start to whine
At which point his mother would say to him
“ I think it’s Pasteur bedtime”

Haiku’s not for me
No rhymes, just syllable counts
I die of boredom

The chiropractor
Likes to say
That she is owed
A lot of back pay

I paid to ride an orca
And lived to tell the tale
The place that took my money
Was simply called “Fare Whale”

Inside my garden
It’s plain to see
The carrots are all
Rooting for me

A record setting kidney stone
Was grapefruit sized and unpleasurable
But after it had been removed
The patient’s relief was immeasurable

A triangle and a circle
Played a game at a local joint
Which the triangle won most handily
Cuz the circle couldn’t make a point

The cloner of deer
Is now having fits
Awaiting a batch of
Doe-It-Yourself kits

Edison and Tesla
Their blood was bad
Simply due to
The power struggle they had

A K being silent
As I recollect
Is something that is
KNOT, correct?

Is it real?
Or am I dreaming?
That urology course
Now is streaming

At our local coffee shop
The baristas like to say
They’re happy to make drinks to go
Or, if you’re rude,
To go away

(Thanks to Indira Rajagopal for the idea)

Problems seem greatest in anticipation
But keep in mind, for good measure
They aren’t any different in that regard
Than treasures

Woody Woodpecker is gone
And I was spurred
To write this for him
So he gets remembird

A lemon got sick
But had to grin
When the doc declared
She’d squeeze him in

Scientology and Moonies
Combined reveal
A large amount
Of sects appeal

They’re deadly for a rattlesnake
But answer for me, please
If they work together
Should we call them mongeese?

A sumo wrestler
Fears for nuttin’
With crazy garb
And belly buttin’

At the cat rescue center
I give kitties showers
But I don’t do it much anymore
Cuz they reduced meowers

I had a lot of sewing jokes
I used to tell in serial
But I had to stop with all of that
When I ran out of material

Some foresters are weird
They toe the line
Claiming to be able
To feel your pine

Her daughter’s always underfoot
Or so declares her mum
But as regards her father
She’s got him underthumb

R is a challenge
So please don’t get violent
When I tell you that CARROT
Has its second one silent

People like dogs
Old and young
Cuz they wag their tails
Instead of their tongues

Edible underwear’s
Getting quirky
Now they’re making
New brief jerky

The army dentist
In his tent
Is the company
Drill sergeant

I feel I’ve got
Reason to complain
I was on the right track
But so was the train

I don’t think
That it’s deniable
Chronic fibbers
Are reliable

Losing one’s temper
Is bad, you know
Kick an ICBM
Get missile toe

Cross alphabet soup
With a cheap noodle-y treat
The product will be
Ramen numerals you can eat

If joint pain is
A problem, friend
Try to smoke
The other end

My thoughts on fat to you I send
The concerns are more than little
I thought they were coming to an end
But they went to a middle

What is the world to a whale?
It is growing to rather large scale
Making big swimming motions
In the depths of the oceans
With magnificent flips of its tail

An atheist
Can’t be ignored
Once they have cut
Their umbiblical cord

A buddy speaks of sex a lot
With great enthusiasm
But it gets old – he talks too much
Another big bore-gasm

When you buy perfume
For all intents
You’re trading dollars
For a few scents

Behind men who are successful
They say you’ll find a woman
And behind those same men’s downfalls
You’ll often find another one

The laziest student I knew
Was an educational free lancer
Work to prep he’d eschew
And wouldn’t take notes for an answer

On becoming a leader
You’ll need a correction
If you get on your high horse
In the wrong direction

That pet trimming salon
Just makes me smile
They call themselves
Doggy Style

When buying a bigger bed
It is important you assume
That while you’ll have more bed room
You’ll also have also less bedroom

Manicurists
With their stocks
Keep their tools
In one nail box

The Eydie Gormé menu
Is what you order from
These were many tasty things on it
I’m hungry, yummy yum

Leading doctors
Have this to say
The sex drive increases
When significant others move away

Oedipus Rx
It seems to me
Is a really great
Mom and son pharmacy

The whelk is a tasty gastropod
They eat in Rome and Florence
One we have in the U.S. has is odd
They call him Lawrence

The U.S. Mint’s penny making press
Was bad at first and how!
Despite some early mistakes back then
It makes perfect cents now

Artificial tears are good
For eyes that are dry
It’s very easy to make them
You just need to pretend to cry

She forgot how to use
The mouse she picked
Til all of a sudden
Something clicked

An unidentified flying
Rhinoceros
Got reported as
A flyingsauceros

When prose is bad
And rather terse
You know that it
Could be verse

In a couple of years, I’ll turn seven oh
And I think about that plenty
But I’m not too worried, you know
Cuz I identify as twenty

The steam powered phone
Had many faults
The worst of which
Were the mist calls

Botanical explosion
Spongy-petaled dahlias
Aesthetic & ambrosian
How I love ahlias

The gametes are an incredible slew
You’ve really gotta love ‘em
Indeed, sperms say of eggs, it’s true
“We cannot get enough ovum”

I’m frustrated with my shrink
And there is no denying it
He told me that I’m stingy
But sorry, I’m not buying it

Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup
Will make a restaurant run
In Beijing, China order it
In units of Won ton

My dentist has a law degree
No kidding, it’s the truth
He says that he’ll remove my tooth
The whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth

My fingernail lint
Has no match
It’s something that
I built from scratch

The microbiologist
Says that she’s
One who likes
Taking cellfies

Poems by cats
Could not be worse
Because they all
Are just purr verse

Your cake decorator needs an editor
I said to the manager in a scowl
Cuz the cake you made me for today
Wishes a “Happy Super Bowel”

Indian flatbread
With aromas immense
Most truly has
A bunch of naan scents

At the Jane Goodall reception
I felt a sense of doom
I don’t know why, perhaps it was
The 800 pound gorilla in the room

A mime met his demise one day
The ending, most absurd
At his funeral the eulogist declared,
“There are no words”

Spackle squeezed into a hole
Fills up space. That’s its role
If the wall’s destroyed by rain
It will be what remains

My dead end street
Has Moonies at the back
And that is why I call it
A cult de sac

Electricians are odd
What can I say?
Cuz they all like
Refused pay

Mississippi fans
Will not heap scorn on
Their confusing team,
The Beloxi Morons

The Irish crook
Was not so dense
The first chance he had
He took O’Fence

Don’t look at me like I’m not here
Your narcissistic curse
Puts you alone all day in your
Special you-niverse

And last, not least, the propane station
With its sign spreads goodwill
It simply says to everyone
“Thank Heaven For Little Grills”

My skull’s the best one
I could find
I really like
This frame of mind

A little rose
Desired a hike
So went outside
And petaled a bike

The Country Club dance
Held each year in their hall
Is a grand affair
One big golf ball

The spinning top
Got sick and frowned
Cuz he caught something
Going around

Jesse James was iffy
In the long note that he penned
He said if he’s held up somewhere
He definitely won’t attend

Scientists at Certs
Work to convince
By performing more
Experimints

Mary had a little lamb
With onions on a kabob
And so it was that Mary
Lost her herding job

Why are there no love songs
For the lovely liver?
Righting our unhealthy wrongs
It is the body’s caregiver

So here’s a love song to livers
May they always do their thing
Swimming in boozy rivers
Taking out the sting

And while you’re at it, hepatic one
You’d really hit a homer
If you could somehow make undone
This godawful hangover

A dog I saw
Made me nervous
Converting the floor
To a pup lick surface

Geometrically I’ll bet that you
Must get it all the time
But did you know the distance twixt
Two jokes is one straight line?

Our librarian isn’t healthy
Here’s news on the causation
The problem that she has, it seems
Regards her circulation

Electricians who truly
Know the score
Get their parts
From outlet stores

Odor Noter
Working there in the stable
Was a smelly lady for sure
Of her it was said
All the horse men knew her
(say the last line out loud)

Written on papyrus
That book, indeed
Is what I’d call
A very good reed

Your MOTHER-IN-LAW may not be great
But please do not be bitter
You’ll probably make an enemy
By calling her WOMAN HITLER

A thief in boxers
Lost the race
Police caught him
After a brief chase

So I’m finally coming to realize
I’m not going to be here forever
There was a time when I didn’t
Think of that, ever

But, as you get older, your perspective
And other things change in you
Good God, this Dairy Queen
Certainly has a long queue

Regarding a
Redundancy theme
Consider the sinking
Of submarines

They said I sit around too much
It made me very sad
So I decided then and there
I’m not going to stand for that

A multi-layer chocolate cake
Leaves people all aglow
But even simple two layer ones
Are deeper than some people I know

Being a chicken’s
Gotta suck
Since roosters work
Around the cluck

Miss Muffett’s book
Is out today
The title of it?
“Around About Whey”

There’s joy in hops
When they’re on sale
To learn of beer
Is to know of ale

Many loads were fired from it
But I know that many missed ‘em
The trebuchet was deadly, though
An early warring system

I don’t know how many
Dorian Gray jokes I’ve told
But no matter what happens
They never get old

Little Miss Temple won a race
When she was just a girlie
The reason for the outcome was
Everyone ran slowly but Shirley

A pastor with binoculars
Won’t do for herdin’
But he surely is
A priest of birdin’

It rang quite true
To those in attendance
The inventor of stairs
Had many descendants

Constance Chatterly has a drinking problem
And we need to forgive her
As detailed in the sequel book
“Lady Chatterly’s Liver”

He was said to be open minded
And was that without a doubt
Which, of course, is an explanation
For how his knowledge leaked out

An impressive retort
Was made in the spring
Some said it was
Quite a May zing

Two can live as cheaply as one
But unless my math is wrong
The living that they do will be
Only half as long

For birthing now
Without a doubt
Midwives really
Help people out

A tennis player
As a mate, I’ll skip
Cuz love to them
Just means zip

Thinking and believing
Both widely sought
But for thinking there’s no believing
And for believing there’s no thought

That book hoarder
Did it again
She obviously has problems
With shelf discipline

To get a haircut
Cheap or free
Go to the Hair
BNB

If rush hour jams occur
I’ve got no bones
When ice cream trucks
Serve traffic cones

A London comedy show
Brought many smiles
Leaving audiences
Rolling in the isles

If you don’t understand being famous
Then listen and I’ll show you
You’ll know that you’re a celebrity
When people who don’t know you,
Know you

I do not want to
Go back to clerking
My unemployment plan
Isn’t working

I’m not sure
But have a feeling
That the Star Spangled Banana
Would be a peeling

About society’s upper crust
One thing you need to know
It’s just a bunch of crumbs that are
Held together with dough

A Chinese restaurant
I like oodles
Does acupuncture
With pins and noodles

The lumberjack, a working hack
Lost his head and went mental
A tooth he lost. That’s the cost
Of being axedental

The advice I got from my doctor
Left me in an awful mood
A new dietary restriction
Food

Miss Piggy’s song
That oddly starts
Implores listeners
“Don’t go bacon my heart”

In Nevada, they say
Nobody bickers
About the Carson
City Slickers

Locksmiths are people
Whose path to success
Involves being
Unlocky in business

My acupuncturist
Knows many tricks
When she tells jokes
I get pun pricks

Carving wood
Into a fiddle
Works best when done
Whittle by whittle

The castles too do not escape
Admonishment, it is noted
But if it should occur to them
Does it mean they’ve been demoated?

The bird apartment manager
Has one task he must do
Collecting pay from occupants
Whenever wrent is due