Silly

If the pants you bought
Are not so fine
Then take them back
To Calvin DeKlein

When all is finally
Said and done
It is the said
That will have won

How come it is
The Irish Setter
Gets friendlier
As it gets wetter?

To talk to a dead comedian
There is a rumor
That you need to have
A seance of humor

Good story tellers
Everyone knows
Are great at putting
The rose in prose

Book lovers all
Are known as bookworms
But does switching to audio
Make them tapeworms?

On the matter of getting older
I have an improved outlook
Cuz I realize my age is finally
Catching up with the way I look

Australian fans
Root for the catcher
Of course, their team is
The Perth Snatchers

What is the world to a couch?
It involves getting sat on and ouch (!)
The heavier they are
The bigger the scar
Even worse if it is an old grouch

A baby fish
In water swirled
Not ready yet
For the reel world

Stop and ponder
For a minute
The Deschutes River
Has a Bend in it

Consider the wisdom
Of pastor Hal
For church donations
He’s got PrayPal

If a melon should go up in flames
There must be a counterforce
What to put out a firemelon with?
A watermelon, of course

A weird idea
That really sucks
Russian coffee
At Tsarbucks

I voted in the election
Expressed my political voice
Considering the selection
It was my ONLY CHOICE

A humanoid robot operated on me
Due to my doctor’s urgin’
And now I say to all I see
I had a plastic surgeon

Any of these
That you get’ll
Be devoid of
Precious metal

My thoughts about adventure
Started to unravel
When I learned there’s a future
In time travel

The Dodgers had a manager
Tommy Lasorda was his name
And now he has been kicked out of
His very final game

Vincent van Gogh
It would appear
Shortened his life
By one ear

Love is everywhere, it seems
In every hill and dale
It’s in our hearts, it’s in our dreams
And sometimes it’s for sale

She always arrives late
Sometimes by an hour
I think perhaps her ancestors
Came on the June Flower

On the USS Enterprise
Halloween is sweet
That’s when Cap’n Kirk
Celebrates Trek or Treat

“Our drinking group has a book club problem”
Gets said to considerable laughter
Because, our every gathering ends
Happy hour ever after

That guy from Prague
Is dense as heck
I’d say that he’s
One blank Czech

The police report of a streaker
That everybody loathed
Turned out to be a false one
So it was marked “case clothed”

The plumbing work
I have remaining
Really is
Very draining

“This universal religion”
Said the Scandinavian guy
“Is perfect for me and my wife”
The Swede Bahai and Bahai

Many loads were fired from it
But I know that many missed ‘em
The trebuchet was deadly, though
An early warring system

I’ve no budget for publicity
For selling this, so look
‘Twould help me please
If you would seize
And Ban This Book

I heard it from
A Rome smart aleck
The Pisa Tower leans
Because it’s italic

I think it is
Rather cute
When precision skydivers
Point and chute

When Starbucks had
No espresso
My feelings, sad
I’m depresso

Mom never had a potato peeler
Back when one cost a dime
She used a knife for doing that
And cut herself sometimes

A dime could buy a can of soup
Or bread for us four kids
One of many loving things
My mother did

She cashed my father’s weekly check
At the local Kroger store
Made sure that we had food and clothes
I never knew we were poor

Popsicles in the summertime
Hot popcorn, such a treat
And bread and gravy sometimes
At the end of a difficult week

No one trained her to be a mother
She did it on your own
With very little money
And a scary unknown

So thank you, Mom, we’ve all grown up
Successful in what we sought
And now it is on Mother’s Day
You’re in our every thought

In the library, remember
People say
When it’s aloud
It’s not OK

I went to a party fancy
And decided I needed a drink
A cocktail seemed most chancy
Didn’t know quite what to think

I finally settled on getting
A concoction very fine
And so, with that, I found myself
At the punch line

A social media worker
Has a job that’s a dream
Recently selected for
The Meme Teme

A DORMITORY is a place
To which all students zoom
But rearrange the letters and
You get a DIRTY ROOM

Aging is for many folks
A situation where the case is
Broad minds and narrow waists
Begin exchanging places

Elon Musk put his car in space
I find the idea comical
And even worse, it is the case
Insurance is astronomical

The hands of a clock go round and round
Never leaving any gaps
The best way to describe this is
As time laps

Bulbs are plants beneath the Earth
Pushing shoots up through the ground
When it’s windy, for what it’s worth
Their genitals will wave around

My pet mouse, Elvis
Was such a sap
Just yesterday
He was caught in a trap

The shortest distance
My oh my
Twixt two politicians
Is a straight lie

There’s no perfect word to describe
Where this verse ends, it is clear
And that’s exactly why I’m stopping
Right

That nursery guy
Has one big frown
He got caught
With his plants down

Jet lag is very misnamed
You see
Cuz it isn’t the jet that’s lagging
It’s me

A historical fact
Everyone knowed
Davy Crockett
Liked pie Alamo-ed

If you don’t know what is going on
And feel like you want to quit
Change your Etch-a-Sketch view of the world
And shake things up a bit

When car mufflers
Aren’t teenie
Owners lack it
In the weenie

I saw today a group of squids
My friend said something odd
He referred to them collectively
As a squad

All of the possibilities
Have been completely computed
So remember materials hitting fans
Will not be evenly distributed

When Elon Musk is babbling
I say “Bon appétit”
He’ll eat those words on Twitter
In a bowl of shredded tweet

Blackbeard’s slogan
Gotta admire it
Proclaims that God
Is his co-pirate

Poi for breakfast, poi for lunch
Poi for dinner, then repeat
Go and visit, poi oh poi
Then you’ll see how folks in Hawaii’t

I believe it was
A clever wit
Who called a hairdresser’s license
A perm it

The calculus guy
No joy he brings
Cuz he’s always making
A math of things

The chocolate thief
Who escaped unseen
Was better known as
The Pirate of the Carob Bean

The face of a child says it all
There’s no need to debate it
Primarily cuz it’s the place
Where their mouth’s located

When the hurricane
Left our pool full
I’d say it was
Delugional

You know you’re getting old
When everything seems to ache
And also when your birthday candles
Cost more than the cake

Together my chickens
All were grouped
But now they’re lost
Can’t be recouped

A shoemaker retired early
At the beginning of last fall
And after he got rid of his tools
He said he gave his awl

Those beers with hops
That I have got
Are really good
But IPA lot

My plumber, it seems
Could use a heads-up
Because his computer
Is not backing up

The army dentist
In his tent
Is the company
Drill sergeant

I learned today
From plumber Bob
On-demand hot water
Is a tankless job

I wrote my autobiography
In old Norse letters, I’m doomed
Because it is apparent that
My life is totally runed

Here is one thought
I can’t resist
All my vet’s drugs
Come from farmacists

When two letter abbreviations
For states were required
It was a contractor
The Post Office hired

Ergonomics,
Hear my plea
Doesn’t sit quite
Right with me

When Paul McCartney
Saw his fee enlarge
He inquired about it
And learned it was a “Sir” charge

I like to go to Costco
And here’s the reason why
Because I like to wave at
The people going buy

About a chef I wrote a book
The title gets some talk
It’s all about his stinginess
“You’ll Never Loan a Wok”

The even numbers as a group
Are feeling very glum
Because in order to enter a bar
You must be 21

Life is a sheet of paper
Smoldering as you respire
But only when the end is near
Do you notice it’s on fire

Divorce is the act
Of marriage stopping
Making alimony
The cost of name dropping

An underwater structure
In the bay caused shipping grief
So much, in fact, that it was known
As the Great Burier Reef

The thief who pilfered in our town
Got chased out by a mob
We should have known what he would do
Because his name was Rob

If you ever feel you don’t get
The credit owed to you
Remember the most popular pencil
Is always number two

The florist whom
Everybody knows
Answers to
The name of Rose

Germans are intellectual
No wonder they go far
You see it when they talk about
Ein stein in every bar

Stock markets all
Have verified
That each one now
Is tariffied

I liked my railroad work a lot
But sadly, I got sacked
They said the reason was because
I always got sidetracked

A card gets selected
Signed, sealed, sent
Delivering delight
Money well spent

I think I got this
Just about right
The heaviest rainbow
Is still pretty light

You asked me,
“What did Colonel Mustard do?”
I’m sorry, but
I have no Clue

About old Germanic TV
I can no longer maintain silence
Simply because it suffered from
Too much Saxon violence

In King Arthur’s day
The wizards knew quite well
That you would lose your job
If you couldn’t spell

Whene’er my eye
Detects an onion
It becomes
A very runnion

To be a crash test dummy
You need a good resource
A quick class for certification
Provides a crash course

For one sports team,
It’s only fair
To say they stink –
Londonderry Airs

The path of life
In three words
Of gloom
Womb, Zoom, tomb

A sign I saw
Made me say “Wow”
It said “To be a thespian”
“You must act now”

Two long necked creatures fell in love
Their days were filled with laughter
For each, the other was enough
And they lived happily ever giraffeter

Poems by cats
Could not be worse
Because they all
Are just purr verse

When the conductor had an accident
While on tour in Cuba
They kept him alive in the hospital
By feeding him through a tuba

Tomorrow’s an empty calendar box
Yesterday is through
Today’s the square I have to find
Something to put into

When an Asian kid played with fire
He never had burns to lament
Cuz his uncle married an American
She was his Auntie Occident

I got sick eating lettuce
My stomach’s in pain
The doc said I had
Developed ptromaine

I had to throw away some food
A most unfortunate turn
The Frigidaire I kept it in
Produced some FREEZER BURN

Falling in love and falling apart
Is too much for some hearts
But don’t worry. If things get nasty
There’s always angioplasty

The pool table’s gone
Don’t know what to do
It disappeared
Without a cue

The wizard isn’t
Doing well
Because it seems
This guy can’t spell

The slavery deniers
Are as bad as can be
Cuz they perform
Historyectomies

Wild Kingdom host and naturalist
Jim Fowler now is dead
The animals, he could not resist
“Twas Mutual,” they said

He prides himself a rabble rouser
But right now is in shock
Unable to stir up trouble
Because of rioter’s block

The Jolly Green Giant got sick, I hear
With urine the color of a pea
He’s on the mend, it would appear
Since he got hooked up to the ivy

Clarence plans to unretire
After the latest calamity
Now he feels a strong urge to spend
Less time with his family

If a bartender doesn’t
Work too hard
And then gets fired,
Is she disbarred?

Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
But now is quite excited
Because it seems the lady has
With them been reewenited

You need your liver and kidneys
You’re dead if they depart
But surprisingly some people thrive
Without a brain or heart

When the guy sat upon
The tack, on a whim
The word I get is
It wrecked ‘im

The slowest gun
In the West you’d see
Was a guy they called
Wyatt A-A-R-P

NFL running backs make great trauma surgeons
Don’t look at me and scoff
I mean, consider how good they are
At taking a handoff

That ditz is quite an airhead
Putting the ‘D’ in dumb
She flunked her breathalyzer test
They detected shelium

Biology is very particular about
The process of multiplication
Cuz a baby cannot be made in a month
By creating nine impregnations

Losing your voice certainly might
Leave you feeling sour
But think of it in better terms
You’ve now got more hoarse power

Something that
I wonder about tons
Why “halve a nice day”
Instead of the rotten ones?

My financial advisor
Has got the view
That what you don’t owe
Can’t hurt you

Forever and a day
Infinity plus one
No one can ever
Do either one

Give her a chisel
And she’ll go nuts
But remember the greatest carvers
Make the fewest cuts

The guy driving the car ahead of me
Must be God, I give my praise
For he doesn’t use his turn signal
And moves in mysterious ways

My Cuban cat
That I like so
Comes when I call him
“Fidel Catro”

When a teetotaler’s day is through
They’re looking for a special brew
That’ll lift the spirit
Without lifting a spirit

They asked what happened in Rome to my ears
That I had treated so shittily
I explained the resulting problem
By saying “Deaf in Italy”

Internet laughter
Hits new heights
It now is measured
In gigglebytes

When the end arrived for the Italian dictator
He was eating his favorite linguine
His advisor shook his head and said,
“It’s Finito, Mussolini”

Keebler’s got a cookie new
That critics are not praisin’
Some call it Chips Annoy, that’s true
Because they’ve added raisin

For garbage trucks
I have a proposal
A motto that reads
“Always at your disposal”

For telekinesis
What amounts
Is not what you do
But the thought that counts

If a cowboy’s work
Is very strange
Is the outcome he will
Be deranged?

That poker player
Plotting hard
Is ready for the changing
Of the card

When a road
Is lined with gravel
It’s not a good
Path to travel

Be like a Band-aid
Which even when it knows it’s getting ripped off
Doesn’t go berserk
And just sticks to its work

The speed of light’s a limiting thing
Important for every planet
And they give astronomical fines
For going faster than it

(Published in “The Stars and the Moon in the Evening Sky” by Southern Arizona Press)

The bigamist
Has problems plenty
That’s what he gets
For taking one too many

I got a prescription of tranquilizers
But took not a single one
Because I followed the bottle’s advice
“Keep away from children”

The old geezer
Threw a fit
He never took part in an argument
He took all of it

Believing there
Is no one greater
Self-made men
Worship their creators

In Australia, one trick
I hear they use
Is fooling people
With the kanga ruse

His love for her was enormous
But he struggled to find the word
“Titanic,” he finally told her
And then came that iceberg

A teenager wouldn’t pick up her clothes
She was a tidy-phobe
So her mom referred to the messy pile
As her floordrobe

What is the world to a fish?
If it could, just what would it wish?
To always be knowing
The way things are flowing
And having a tail it can swish

A British team
Used to bite
I’m referring to
The Exeter Mites

Two hats fell in love, then out, then in,
Continuing this times ten
Clearly, their relationship
Was don again doff again

People attracted to women and men
Are a subject on which the right dwells
When in reality, the truth is
They just prefer to be bi themselves

Of tall people
It has been said
All of them
Sleep longer in bed

In Lima, Peru
The modern thinkin’
Is their favorite Prez
Was Abraham Incan

The pottery workers
Are informed when hired
“Keep working hard”
“Or you’ll get fired”

Mickey Mouse’s refusal
Has left folks rather numb
He says he’s feeling goofy
And so he cannot come

A COVID carrier sneezed on me
The spray was very thick
I turned to him and told him off
“People like you make me sick”

My masseuse called last night
While I was fast asleep
But to my disappointment
Didn’t leave a massage after the beep

When his cup was stolen
All the cops
Made him look
At mug shots

A lisping lady
Not so swift
Attends a church
For her faith lift

At the deli the cannibal
Had an itch
And so he ordered
A below knee sandwich

Computer geeks
It seems these day
All are UNIX
In their ways

Someone, somewhere
Please tell me why
Evaporated milk
Isn’t dry

The orthopdedic surgeons
Whether they are near or far
Certainly have an idea where
All the hip joints are

“It’s Over, John. It’s over. OVER!”
Said Jane without abatement
For John, it was clearly
An over statement

The world is really awful
But not for a lack of heroes
Rather, the issue seems to be
Division by a bunch of zeroes

The new shocks that
Your car’s displaying
Are really great
It goes without swaying

I’ve discovered how to slow
Aging at will
By tying its advance
To a Congressional bill