Silly

Printouts were not
As they had appeared
On my word processor
Microsoft Weird

I just made a French roll
With surprising ease
All I had to do was
Push him down the Pyrenees

The inventor of slurpees
Has many stunned
At the size of his
Big slush fund

Long ago, the old woman who lived in a shoe
Won a beauty contest selection
But it wasn’t for congeniality
She was a Miss Conception

I want to make
This message clear
A corny pun
Will hurt your ear

The Alaska team
Has no weekend play
Because they are
The Fairbanks Holidays

I relabeled the spices
To get my wife fumin’
She doesn’t know yet
But the thyme is cumin

Numbers can be negative
Now it seems letters can be too
I say that after I got a recent one
With postage due from you

I’m frustrated with my shrink
And there is no denying it
He told me that I’m stingy
But sorry, I’m not buying it

The orthopdedic surgeons
Whether they are near or far
Certainly have an idea where
All the hip joints are

To be a crash test dummy
You need a good resource
A quick class for certification
Provides a crash course

The new shocks that
Your car’s displaying
Are really great
It goes without swaying

Divorce in the Jurassic
Was rather complex
The worst part was having
A Tyrannosaurus ex

The guy working at
The crematorium burned it
When he got promoted
He truly urned it

Either the weather’s too hot
Or I’m getting soft
Yesterday some garlic
Took its cloves off

A puppy howling
To a vet appears
The Hound of Music
To her ears

The prison doctor’s confusing
It seems to be his motto
He told a car thief to take something for his problem
And the thief replied, “An auto?”

My wife, how I love her
She is a person whom
Said there’s no way that she would stand
For a urinal in our bathroom

One ear to another
Expressing shock,
“I cannot believe”
“We live on the same block”

I love the ocean
So good for me
It’s like a dose of
Vitamin sea

The Titanic crashed
In waters scary
And landed in
A sankuary

The cafeteria’s exit door
Is in the rear right near ya
Or as they tell the customers
“It’s there in the BACTERIA”

A trampoline isn’t
A structure to attack on
Just something I bought
To fall back on

The Warsaw ballet
Has nimble prancers
But please don’t say that
They’re Pole dancers

It’s notable, though
In this monologue
There’s no trace of canine
Inside a hot dog

Vladimir Putin
Feels very hip
Riding inside his
Nikita cruise ship

Chemotherapy’s
Ugly ills
Remind us all
Smoking kills

If my hiccups do not promptly stop
They will surely drive me to my death
Someone told me there’s a cure
But I’m not holding my breath

That ditz is quite an airhead
Putting the ‘D’ in dumb
She flunked her breathalyzer test
They detected shelium

Pasta, pesto, pizza
Describes so very neataly
The reason why I think they should
Rename the country Eataly

My living room amaryllis
Such a beautiful thing to see
Is desperately seeking the services
Of a living room bee

He decided to get cremated
The choice is real, not rash
He liked thinking about the people who
Would one day kiss his ash

I wrote my autobiography
In old Norse letters, I’m doomed
Because it is apparent that
My life is totally runed

As Shakespeare was composing Hamlet
An interruption ensued
So he stopped the effort and wrote
“To be or not . . . . “ (to be continued)

Proper grammar
Was heaven sent
Too bad its days
Have came and went

Popcorn kernels
When too nuttery
Get arrested
For a salt and buttery

If joint pain is
A problem, friend
Try to smoke
The other end

The worst dessert
That you can bake
Is what is known as
A stomach cake

Too many people
Overall
That’s why you don’t hear
Of rural sprawl

Insomnia certainly
Makes me weep
And until I cure it
I will not sleep

I put upon my head my hat
And on my feet my shoes
But forgot what goes on in between
Hey look, I’m on the evening news

I’m happy it’s Awareness Awareness Week
The reason is because
It makes a lot more sense to me
Than Obliviousness Awareness Week was

In DESPERATION, suicide’s
So sad, no one defends it
There’s many ways that you can go
Remember A ROPE ENDS IT

My broken nose
Is out of place
It should be scentered
On my face

When you buy perfume
For all intents
You’re trading dollars
For a few scents

I’ve reached the age
There’s no denying
Where I fear getting old
More than dying

Because the relationship
Can be quite loony
You should never judge
A book by its movie

Marital infidelity
Can cause depression scares
Wyoming has the most of these
A sad state of affairs

That multilingual guy
Thinks he’s a riot
I wish he’d learn sign language
To keep him quiet

When menopause
Came with a bang
One woman joined
The over the pill gang

Scientology and Moonies
Combined reveal
A large amount
Of sects appeal

Alcohol addiction
Can happen in a blink
You know you’re in big trouble
When you drink to forget you drink

It’s fun to join
The musical throng
Speaking in cursive
By singing a song

You can be a writer
Don’t be deterred
Remember each poem
Starts with a single word

Elon Musk
What a mess
Worth so much
Yet so worthless

When the conductor had an accident
While on tour in Cuba
They kept him alive in the hospital
By feeding him through a tuba

Electricity?
Think electrons
Morality?
Think morons

Dr. Jekyll said the time
Is bad for him that date
And also, he really hasn’t felt
Much like himself of late

Working as a poet
I have to say
It is clear to me
Rhyme doesn’t pay

Distant planets ‘round other suns
From large to small in size
Do they have people there like us
Or are they civilized?

(Published in “The Stars and the Moon in the Evening Sky” by Southern Arizona Press)

Remember, please, this tiny thought
Its wisdom is gigantic
And that is recognizing your fear
Is the first step of a panic

How come it was
When I said to you
“The printer needs ink”
You said it was something out of the blue?

Please don’t forget
In U of O nation
Their numero uno
The Eugene Mutations

A buddy speaks of sex a lot
With great enthusiasm
But it gets old – he talks too much
Another big bore-gasm

When the legume got married
To her favorite squeeze
Presiding was
A justice of the peas

According to
The leading psychologists
Everyone has faults
Especially geologists

A guy smeared himself
With Crisco royally
And then, the next morning,
He woke up oily

And then there are the strippers
When their stripping is concluded
If they did not work out will they
Find out they’ve been denuded?

A good cake mix
That most prefer
Is one that causes
Quite a stir

Pierre and Marie Curie
Say the event they’re awaiting
And with enthusiasm
They’re radiating

There is no need
To be a brainiac
To know a crazy crow
Is a raven maniac

One modification
If you please
Smoothies oughta
Be called ‘soothmies”

An electron left an atom
To have a bit of fun
The reason was because he had
His ion someone

Flashbacks of the meeting
Were all that she could see
Because our teacher suffered from
PTA SD

That old movie comic
Who is prone to prattle
Recalls that pie fights
Were custardy battles

The drought is bad, we must reduce
Our water usage here
So I propose that we increase
The alcohol level in beer

The kiss of death
Has a stench
That’s even worse
When it’s French

When it comes to death
This is no bull
All men are truly
Cremated equal

An arsonist really
Isn’t fun
At a party
They just heat and run

Love is everywhere, it seems
In every hill and dale
It’s in our hearts, it’s in our dreams
And sometimes it’s for sale

Where the meteor hit
It left a big trail
And I want to see it
In crater detail

The sky, in love with the wind
Offered a gift of blue
But the wind misunderstood
And just blew

What is the world to the breeze?
It’s the rustling noise of the trees
As the wind passes through
Moving leaves all askew
To some widely varying degrees

Every time
I see a meme
I feel like I
Could screme

Fancy gyms
Require fancy names
So I refer to mine
As James

How beautifully outside
The birds do sing
Nature’s choir
Sopranos of spring

As we get older
Our weight shifts “down there”
I think that’s why people say
My wife and I make a great pear

A corduroy condom
That fits like a glove
Provides users with
A groovy kind of love

I know that I
Positively react
To Alaskan summers
A little Nome fact

I broke my shin
Just yesterday
The doctor says
It’s going tibia OK

I’m committing abominable
Poetic crimes
Writing verses with meter
That usually rhyme

Firecrackers really
Can be the bomb
If you happen to get one
At match.com

What is the world to a plane?
It’s a place to fly over again
Way up in the air
Taking us everywhere
Like Oregon, Florida, Maine

About sexless couples
I have to wonder
Does abstinence
Make the heart grow fonder?

The sight of blood caused me to faint
It was an awful scare
I was in my doctor’s office and
Now I’m an OUTPATIENT there

At the end of a day
The meditator, Jerome
Says that he only
Wants to go ommmmmmmmmmm

My holstein’s acting very odd
There’s paisley splashed across her bod
And bell bottoms on her dungarees
Oh my, I truly hope to God
She hasn’t got Mod Cow Disease

The final scores of tomorrow’s games
Are on TV again
It always seems to happen
When I watch ESP-N

On my dear wife I’ve cheated
The reason very clear
I’m sure ‘twould not have happened
If only she were here

It wasn’t due to problems
I love everything about her
But the sad truth is that I have been
WORDLING without her

arting lines in the middle
His readers spewed out curses
And also for the way that he
Didn’t finish vers

My editor who’s always
Making a fuss
Should be classified as
Homo correctus

The U.S. Mint’s penny making press
Was bad at first and how!
Despite some early mistakes back then
It makes perfect cents now

When airplane pilots say they’re taking off
I have a single thought
It could could mean that they are working
Or, alternatively, that they’re not

Crocheting punsters
Start throwing fits
Whenever you call them
Knit wits

Some say menstrual cramps
Cause too much reacting
A classic case
Of ovary acting

No matter your body type
No matter your skin
Inside every thin person
Is a fat one trying to get in

My friend thinks me daffy
That’s her prognosis
When I say all Czechs
Have the same Prague noses

When I said my girlfriend
Couldn’t be alone with me
She said, “Why not?”
And I told her to think logically

Mocking Russians
Can be bombastic
But if they’re rulers
You’re czarcastic

If a urine test
Says a plumber’s drugged
Will the union then leave
Him unplugged?

Little Leaguers
At the platter
Each of them
A peanut batter

The drunk was said to be
Increasingly merry
Whenever he added to
His vodkabulary

What is the world to an ear?
It is everything that it can hear
Whether noisy or chatter
It just doesn’t matter
To an ear it will seem very clear

When the pig farmer was
Today confronted
He said he always
Took things for grunted

“Is it just me, or is the dog gaining weight?”
I asked out of the blue
My wife shook her head and laid it out straight
“Nope. Just you”

I guess I need to lose some weight
I’ll cut right to the chase
I applied to be an astronaut
But there wasn’t enough space

The cannibal
Is out of luck
None of his favorite
Ground Chuck

From a parachute
My buddy swings
He’s really good
At pulling strings

Over at the grocery store
Things are out of control
The lettuce stand is buckling
And heads are gonna roll

The bubble gum store
Just put in the mail
An ad for its latest
Blow out sale

Something that should be
Taught in school
Exceptions illustrate
Every rule

When it comes to old blondes
You know what they say
They do not fade
They just dye away

Whenever you feel,
“Ah, what’s the use?”
Remember even rainbows
Have the blues

For those of you reading this
Whose spelling is prone to erring
You should be aware of the difference twixt
A ball bearing and a ball baring

The king of diamonds felt depressed
His feelings disregarded
And so he traveled to a bar
Where naturally, he got carded

Driverless cars are driving round
Cities and residents are pleading
For safety, hence
Some common sense
Hopefully none are speeding

Buddhist monks are averse to risk
I guess it must be their mind set
Because of that, no gambling
But all of them like Tibet

Here is my message
100% true
I hate peer pressure
And you should too

To turn on a faucet
I’d suggest
Just giving it
A warm caress

The world is really awful
But not for a lack of heroes
Rather, the issue seems to be
Division by a bunch of zeroes

Little Mr. Borg hated his name
And was feeling all forlorn
In fact he told his mother
He wished he’d never been Bjorn

That tree surgeon is gonna find
The charges very punitive
Because he was arrested
For arboring a fugitive

Its quality of living went way down
Now it’s a place no one inhabits
That’s a result of the monastery
A-choiring a bunch of bad abbots

The country singer, Charley Pride
Passed over to the other side
So now it’s true when people say
He’ll “Kiss an Angel Good Morning” every day

If breakfast food’s what you desire
The best that you will get
Is served up Rocky Mountain style
The John Denver Omelette

Oak-ay
by Kevin Ahern

When the lumberjack posed a tough question
Much time for response had elapsed
Yes, stumped was the tree, it seems clear to me
Perhaps twas the way it was axed

An underwater marriage
Is something not to miss
Cuz in it you see a couple
Experiencing wetted bliss

Writing a book
It would appear
Is a novel way
To start a career

If orthopedics
Is your vocation
Three words of advice
Dislocation, dislocation, dislocation

Overweight people are fat Earthers

But what if I should dare to cross
A pointer and a setter?
‘Twould surely make a Yuletide gift
That’s known as a Poinsetter

The first C in SCIENCE
Is a mystery to me
Why is it there?
It’s non-scense to me

The earthquake exam?
I hated the result
It was a big failure
And all my fault

They say seconds count
And I can’t deny it
Especially since
I’m on a diet

They found a dog
On the road
That got ID’d
From his bark code

Something she caught
Put her life on the skids
When she consulted AI
It said she had kids

Salmon transforms to grizzly
Inside a grizzly’s gut
The parts that don’t turn grizzly
Come out the grizzly’s butt

Respiratory therapists
Almost never question
To them, TB or not TB
That’s the congestion

When it comes to matters
Of the heart
It starts with falling in love
And ends with falling apart

Folks from the 60s
It has now been revealed
In the future were all
“Born to be Wheeled”

I guess it is
No surprise
My dog’s against
Flea enterprise

When the ancient elephant died and fell
The surroundings were a-shaking
And it was said that burying it
Was a mammoth undertaking

I don’t know the how,
Or why or whether
But why are “apart”ments
Close together?

In spring, a little hummingbird male
Makes flower bouquets with nectar
Cuz when he calls upon a mate
He hopes it will attrectar

If I get up and out of bed
I’ll get the cobwebs from my head
Join the rat race, get ahead
Nah – I’ll just stay here instead

In the karaoke
Sing-along
I think I nailed
The Carpenters’ song

You’ll find no ‘i’ in TEAM
No matter the spelling scheme
However, I cannot resist
Noting two in NARCISSIST

A famous person
Gets their wish
From fans who make
The idol rich

They say there are three dimensions
Height and depth and width
But my stomach just made a new one
I refer to it as the midth

Slovaks at breakfast
Get perplexed
If their cereal
Isn’t Czex

With detective lore
Do not be fooled
Old Doc Watson
Was Holmes schooled

I take light things very seriously
And serious things most lightly
That’s why I’m lying in my bed
Staring at the ceiling nightly

That bank teller there
Got awfully alarmed
Cuz the octopus robber
Was very well armed