Silly

Much Ado

Respiratory therapists
Almost never question
To them, TB or not TB
That’s the congestion

Legislative Action

I impersonated a senator
The cop said in the sting
Because I was just sitting there
Not doing anything

LOL

I worry cuz my calendar
Is looking quite bereft
The days remaining in this week
Are written W-T-F

Rhyme Crime

There was a poem I’d hoped to write
Of drying grapes when weather’s blazin’
But writer’s block and coolish nights
Left me here with no rhyme or raisin

Career Options

The credit union gave me a job
And offered many perks
But it was bad because I had
Lost interest in my work

Semi-Smart

The old truck driver
Had to hire
A known high jacker
To fix his tire

For Broken Hearts

Falling in love and falling apart
Is too much for some hearts
But don’t worry. If things get nasty
There’s always angioplasty

Woe is Me

He hated it
And made a fuss
Each time they served
Despairagus

To the Letter

It’s said that Stalin had success
Because of his decision
To write in lower case because
He hated capitalism

Cat Nipped

The leopard that escaped today
Police have just now caught it
Thanks to a lady who phoned to say
The animal she had spotted

Plugged Up

My whisky bottle was damaged
A part of it agape
But I was able to fix it
Using scotch tape

Famous Person Party RSVP

Van Gogh will likely not be there
There’s no way he’ll commit
In fact, when asked if he would come
He wouldn’t ‘ear of it

Problems and Pleasures

Problems seem greatest in anticipation
But keep in mind, for good measure
They aren’t any different in that regard
Than treasures

An Oxymoron

And tell me please if you think I
Am being too erratic
When I declare out loud that I
Am rather MILDLY ECSTATIC

Backup Plan

As a driver’s ed instructor
On a career I am embarking
I’ve also got a backup plan
Parallel parking

Shocking

My electrician sure
Was not amused
When he said, “Get breakers”
I refused

Give Them an Inch

I like old measures
They’re never wrong
Sometimes in fashion
But not furlong

Off Pudding

The girlfriend of the dessert maker
Has on her face a frown
She’s identified the problem
He’s always pudding her down

Looking Ahead

The Levolor truck caused great concern
And gave some folks a fit
When its secret was revealed today
A blind man was driving it

Dog Punned

I have my reasons for buying it
That hairless dog, a cur
So please don’t look at it and say
“What fur?”

Hair’s to Ya

My hair stylist’s home
Away from home
Is a place that she calls
Shearlock Combs

Double Meanings

Our President leads the country
Protecting me and you
And also is the work that many
Auto fixers do

8 Arms to Hold You

The cloned octopi
Got some grins
When someone labeled them
iTentacle twins

Vetch Vay

I saw today
Some kind of vetch
Not being a botanist, though
I’m not sure wetch

Word Fun

The patriot Paul upon his horse
Alerted people plenty
I think it is the reason why
He was revered by many

In the Bank

I am a very thrifty sort
Or so my friends all say
Because I like to save my work
For a rainy day

Robbing the Bank

If times get tough, remember this
Advice for which I stress
When busting open piggy banks
You must beat them cents-less

The Aardvark

Making an aardvark
Is not very hard
Mix one part vark
With one part aard

Hand Warmer

Of that cat
It has been written
She ate some yarn
And gave birth to mittens

Crater Good

The tiny space rock
Has some woes
After the collision
It’s cometose

Dog Breeds

A Lhaso Apso and a collie
Should I breed them? Perhaps so
I’d get a dog that I could fold
Since it would be a Collapso

The Pits

Conducting orchestras
He was quite slick at
The kind of thing
You shake a stick at

Good as New

I’ve spoiled the plot of Dorian Gray
Again, so I’ve been told
I must admit I enjoy doing that
It never, ever gets old

Jay Pegged It

The graphic designers’ argument
Left both of them quite miffed
They are not speaking anymore
It was a major Tiff

Family Affair

I think by now that guy understands
The reason for all the buzz
He was late getting to his daughter’s birth
So, dad on arrival he was

Hanes’ Stains

Edible underwear’s
Getting quirky
Now they’re making
New brief jerky

Truce

In my garden, tiny snake
Hissing noises do you make
Go away now, on your own
And I will leave
Your home alone

Seam Stress

The sewing book author
Clearly stated
Her writing was
Fabricated

Checking It Out

He told her it was love at first sight
But to maximize his chances
He kept on taking
Second glances

Wash Out

Though I clearly
Stated wishes
No one ever
Did the dishes

Swamped

That southerner
Just got persuaded
His swamp will be
Bayou degraded

Tom Swiftie-Style Verses

The lady glared at me and asked
Was I some kind of crook?
It seems her watch was missing and
She had that timeless look

Earrings

The Tinnitus Help line’s
Light is blinking
I hear their phone
Will not stop ringing

Going Downhill

He thought he was getting ahead
Feeling fine
Til he realized what he had passed
Was his prime

Saponified

Everything that
A soapmaker requires
Revolves around
Being a lyer

Lighten Up

When it comes to evaporated milk
I ask myself, “why buy?”
It seems each one you open up
Would be completely dry

Not Flying High

A seagull died unexpectedly
Now the other gulls are wary
After they read about the death
In its obeachuary

Be Positive

The famous Dracula
Is tantamount
To being a
Red blood cell count

Mixer Drinks

Whiskey sure helps
Folks to mingle
Cuz after a double
They feel single

Insult-lation

You shouldn’t get mad
When folks say you’re fat
Because we all know
You’re bigger than that

Spice of Life

Lot’s wife
Unless I’m mistaken
After her experience
Was shaken

Tie One On

The cowboy won the roping show
Down at the Marriott
The prize they gave to him declares
That he’s a Nobel lariat

Not Taking the Bait

That smart fish swimming
Over by the dam
Sees the hooked worm
As an online scam

Retweet, Retweet

X may ring
Elon Musk’s chimes
But for mathematicians
It’s just a sign of the times

Psalms Down

An atheist
Can’t be ignored
Once they have cut
Their umbiblical cord

The Foibles of English

A slim chance and fat chance
Are the same, it’s the pits
But wise men and wise guys
Are exact opposites

Wiled West

The old cowboy said
He feared falling and then
Not being able
To giddyup again

Snootiness Cubed

Her snootiness shows
In the items she’s chosen
Preferring fresh ice
To the stuff that is frozen

Cutting In

That worker with a slab of glass
Is acting most disdainful
But if it falls upon his @ss
He’ll find it very paneful

Wisdom

Wise are the people with something to say
Who articulate with poise
Fools are people who have to say something
But gesticulate and make noise

An Oxymoron

It’s time to make up your mind
It really would be prudent
To be one or the other
Instead of a GRADUATE STUDENT

Better Half

He’d really like to be a wit
But feels a great despair
Despite the best of efforts
He’s only halfway there

Stuck Shift

The guy who works on my car
Is the worst I’ve ever seen
Recently he was featured in
Unpopular Mechanics magazine

Tic Tacky

An agate landed on my mints
It’s good no one got hurt
And now I’m feeling just like Prince
With my own rock on Certs

Deep Thought

When waiting for Amtrak
On any occasion
Relax and practice
Trainscendental meditation

See Weed

A sushi restaurant down the street
Is certainly undaunted
When it is short of what it needs
Their window says “Kelp wanted”

Up in the Air

Though loftiness is what
Their travel evokes
Flight attendants really
Are just plane folks

Royal Flash

That poker player
Plotting hard
Is ready for the changing
Of the card

Manwich

Here’s an image
I like oodles
Cannibals eating
Raw men noodles

Continental Rift

If you are studying geology
Then please remember this
To practicing geologists
Igneous is bliss

Coaled?

The chimney sweep
Knew what to do
Called in today
Sick with the flue

Kiln It at Work

A potter I know was very sad
And broke into a sob
He didn’t know that getting fired
Is the main part of his job

Steaks are High

Shipboard barbecues
Are very thrilling
Perhaps because of
Offshore grilling

Real or Not

Hallucinations and dating
Are the same says one big study
Because the fact is either way
You seem to be seeing somebody

Nice Engineering

The stationmaster’s kids
Are quite ingrained
I guess that’s cuz they’re
So well trained

Down to Earth

Living in the real world
Isn’t very nice
If you’re used to being
A bird of paradise

Social Outlet

My basketball-philosophy club?
There’s none that’s any greater
Because of our priorities
“Shoot first, ask questions later”

Wet Reams

When the tournament got rained out
It was an occasion
To give each child a trophy
For precipitation

Sound of Silence

The doctor’s message
Was my worst fear
She said I was deaf
That was difficult to hear

An Oxymoron

Some info going ‘round the town
Is very hard to quell
It is an OPEN SECRET
That you are free to tell

Not Transparent, See?

Defining words is hard to do
So listen to me here
‘Opaque’ is quite confusing cuz
Its meaning is unclear

Untestied

My little dog
Was a kooky klutz
So I neutered him
Now he’s less nuts

Opposite Day

I saw today is Opposite Day
As soon as I’d arisen
It is the time when what usually is
Isn’t

From a Poet Lariat

A rope’s a rope, a string’s a string
Distinctive and discrete
Because of this, it’s often said
“Never the twine shall meet”

And Vice-Versa

My vacuum cleaner
Is broken, yuck
It really sucks
When it doesn’t suck

Ideal Idea

Please let me hand out the cards
To you, I appeal
Because that would be
I deal

Blood Flow

He hadn’t had a date in years
So getting one was an occasion
When she noted his hands were cold
He said, “I’ve been out of circulation”

Wench Warmer

The medical advice
Of which I’m sure
Is to keep a uterus
At womb temperature

Very Driven

Driving drunk
No lion could
But possibly
A Tiger Wood

Worm Hole

The sale on fishing
Hooks was great
Cuz each one came
With a big re-bait

Random Tweet

Birds are better off
I guess
At pursuing life, liberty
And happy nests

iDude

The wedding planner’s description
Of her work is rather funny
She says she makes her living from
A lot of cere-money

Word to the Whys

A piece of advice
That a wise person knows
It is better to go outdoors
Than outwindows

Pulling Your Egg

I started a matchmaking service
For chickens, what a feat!
What were my thoughts in doing so?
Just making hens meet

Podcast

When the legume got married
To her favorite squeeze
Presiding was
A justice of the peas

Tread Lightly

My Michelins got stolen
It caused me great mayhem
And now that is the reason why
I work tirelessly to find them

All Alone

In a one course Italian meal
The entree will be lonely
Since what they are serving
Is ravionli

Eggsactly

The gametes are an incredible slew
You’ve really gotta love ‘em
Indeed, sperms say of eggs, it’s true
“We cannot get enough ovum”

No Whey

“Cottage cheese,” I blurted out
To friends surprisingly
Then, to address their puzzlement
I said, “It’s just a curd to me”

Now and Zen

‘Mongst Halloween fans
There is a big schism
Some love the witches
Others Boodism

Belated

Time worked against me
Then I got it straight
‘Til you show up for something
You cannot be late

Rhyme Scheme

Rhyme and meter
Are how I fly
Because poetically
I’m an ABCB kind of guy

Minus Sign

My fave group for now
Can make lots of noise
They’re called The Subtractions
“Take it away boys”

Roll It

Boosting attendance
Is one of their goals
So theaters are serving
Cinema rolls

Kid Verse

What is the world to a chair?
It’s a place to let people sit there
They can let out a sigh
As the world passes by
Leaving all of their problems elsewhere

One on One

The instructor I hired
Has my bird overeating
I think it is time
For a parrot-teacher meeting

Health Report

That Indian guy should be very proud
Of his amazing physique
I don’t know how he does it
Since he always seems to be Sikh

Purple Reign

I never saw a purple mushroom
And never thought I’d see one
But after I fixed one for dinner
I’m feeling I might be one

Kid Verse

What is the world to your mom?
It’s you, because you are the bomb
She will always adore you
And be right there for you
Even after you’ve grown and you’re gone

To Your Health

In Holland, “Bottoms up”
Means more than just good cheer
In fact, the loose translation is
“Your Heineken drink Dutch beer”

Smiling

A smile is your friend
For the message it sends
To send or receive?
On you it depends

Just Ice

If heavy drinkers
You try to thwart
They’ll throw themselves
On the mercy of the quart

Professional Signs

The gynecologist every day
Most surely earns her dime
Her sign says “I Am Always At”
“Your Cervix All The Time”

Mean Course

The cannibal
Is out of luck
None of his favorite
Ground Chuck

And Her Daze Are Few

The old gray mare
Wishes she had a penny
For every time she’d stopped
Cuz her whoas were many

Breast Meat

It seems that Buddhists’ food demands
Are now on the increase
Refusing to lunch on chicken wings,
They want an inner piece

High Price

A Donor Card’s not a Debit Card
Please hear me now I beg
I confused the two just yesterday
It cost me an arm and a leg

Puzzled Look

That gullible hippie
The flower child
It seems was really
Born to Be Wiled

Bomb Swelter

Losing one’s temper
Is bad, you know
Kick an ICBM
Get missile toe

Charge!

Most happily
The chemist sings
“I like to keep”
“Anion things”

Standing Out

Halloween’s exciting
For teenage ghost heart throbs
The boys spend their time spiffing up
While the girls all get boo jobs

Party RSVPs

Alexander Bell
Has another thing
But if he can get out
He’ll give us a ring

Stoned

A marbleous statue
Please don’t pan it
They’re very often
Taken for granite

Silent Alphabet

N is a problem also
That needs to be stemmed
Or else our language
Could be CONDEMNED

Written Up

Ariana Grande
Has all she might want
But if music starts to sour for her
She could become a font

Odds-on Favorites

The even numbers as a group
Are feeling very glum
Because in order to enter a bar
You must be 21

Ahead Of It

“Do you know where to get a toupee?”
My good buddy said
I smiled and replied
“Not off the top of my head”

I Have a Dream

I never should have listened
To them and all their talking
“Follow your dreams,” they told me
Now I’m sleepwalking

Emotional Turmoil

Sometime your mood can give to you
A painful stomach ache
I know where I got my recent one
It must have something I hate

Pointless

A triangle and a circle
Played a game at a local joint
Which the triangle won most handily
Cuz the circle couldn’t make a point

Secret Identity

If Jessica Biel
Has a son, you know
I hope she gives him
The name “Batmo”

No Clue

A British town has disappeared
According to all the news feeds
It’s a mystery just how it happened
Police are searching for Leeds

Aye, Aye

In Oregon, it rains so much
The streets are sometimes wavy
And services supporting folks
Are the Salvation Navy

Violeted

A thief got caught stealing
Purple flowers many times
The judge threw the book at him
For all his violet crimes

Geomentric

That dreadfully boring Powerpoint talk
Proved he’s not a speaking whiz
In it, he clearly demonstrated
What the longest distance between two points is

Driven to Drink

My sympathetic friend’s for you
Her empathy’s appealing
Please tell your plight to her, not me
I have mixed drinks about feelings

No Tears

My grief counselor died
This news I share
He was so good
That I don’t care

Heck of a Deal

Panama’s canal
Is truly great
A very massive
Inside strait

Life Story

So many things I need to do
And it just seems to me
That my to-do list really is
An “ought-to” biography

Fear of Heights

As your career takes off one day
I hope you will recall
That the top rung of the ladder
Is the easiest place from which to fall

Resinant

Violin bows
Can do many tricks
But to most of us
They’re just fiddlesticks

Snot a Big Deal

So you jog a lot?
Big deal, I say
My nose goes running
Every single day

Latest Rankings

Regarding chicken, there only is
One thing you need to know
The Colonel’s version is truly great
The General’s, just Tso, Tso

On Top of It

Your adulterous acts
Are quite astounding
You’ll get caught
Evidence is mounting

Jest Desserts

On Amazon, I just now bought
A device called a locator
It told me that the weight I lost
Was in the refrigerator

Turned Around

I felt insulted very bad
While out last Friday night
They said I’d no direction sense
So I got up and right

Masseuse

I have to say of my masseuse
Her work could not be greater
And so I would describe her as
A soothe operator

Oh My

Gynecology
Sometimes entails
The practice of
Spreading old wives’ tails

Career Options

I went and made a blanket
Then found a store that sold it
Alas they didn’t do too well
And very quickly folded

Ribbit the Wrong Way

Like many a star who’s battled drugs
To deal with awful pain
Kermit the Frog is needing hugs
Cuz he’s hooked on croakaine

Tic Me Off

My plans for a spice garden
Are sadly gone cuz I’m
Unable to go and plant it
I do not have the thyme

Famous Person Party RSVP

Copernicus would enjoy it
But the chances are rather slim
He’s not the best of guests because
The world revolves around him

Speed Readers

Ghosts prefer
Their books most thickly
Cuz they can go through them
Rather quickly

Adding It Up

Biology is very particular about
The process of multiplication
Cuz a baby cannot be made in a month
By creating nine impregnations

Dog Paddle

A dog floats in the water
Chasing after toys
Everybody knows because
They all are good buoys

Double Meanings

Lonesome is the way you feel
When you’re without your honey
And also what a bank will do
With its vaults full of money

Crusty Fellow

The creator of Domino’s has died
The cause remains a mystery
No matter, though, it’s over now
And he’s a pizza history

Leaf Me Alone

An E. coli outbreak worried folks
Some lettuce was too muddy
The CDC said, and I quote
“Romaine calm everybody”

My First Heart Throb

A smile that could guide ships in the night
A voice of angelic delight
A beautiful lass too suddenly gone
Olivia Newton-John

Famous Restaurant Menu

The best dessert is left to last
The price, though, very high
I think that it is justified
The General Custard Pie

Hot Dates

Calendars are important
I need to be reminded
That they are mostly useful for
Those folks who are week-minded

Artistic License

The art thieves worked
Quite fast, you know
When they went to grab
The Monet and Gogh

Force of Nature

Two bodies irresistibly attracted
Is it love or depravity?
Sometimes a very strong case can be made
For gravity

No Place Like Ommmm

The yogi brought
Dodge City fun
Transcendental meditation –
How the West was one

Dust in the Wind

I used to build sandcastles with grandpa
But a lesson I had to learn
Came to me when my mother
Went and hid his urn

Wrestling With It

I’m not sure
This has been divulged
But sumo wrestling
Is a Battle of the Bulged

Wait, Gain

I know I’ve added
Pounds replete
When I put on
My swimming suite

English is Funny

I’ll get some laughs tonight, I guess
It’s been a long dry spell
The good news on the street is that
I avenue joke to tell

Morning, Joe

A documentary has been released
Its title, rather prime
The story’s of the President
They call it “Biden – His Time”

And the Beat Goes On

The heart surgeon told him
To be careful with eating
And to be kind to his aorta
It’s taking a beating

Conundrum

If they boldly go where no one has gone
Through galaxies everywhere
How is it possible the Star Trek crew
Encounters someone there?

No Crater Good

A Chinese astronaut
Very soon
May take a wok up
On the moon

Sour Drapes

When the Venetian blinds salesperson
Got fired, it’s for sure
The boss explained clearly
It was curtains for her

Best Buds

The old woman who lives in a shoe
Has a boyfriend she thinks is great
Apparently she is telling her friends
That he is her sole mate

And the Answer Is

I’m going to give to each of you
A very simple task
Change w’s to t’s in ‘where’, ‘what’, ‘when’
To answer the questions that they ask

Discovery

It is claimed every scientist knows
Yogurt with labor’s no joy
Which explains the statement, I suppose
All work and Yoplait make Jack a dull boy

Thespianism

Acting’s a message
Someone’s sending
That involves pretending
They’re not pretending

Complete Sentence

Causing all kinds
Of unnecessary strife
The board game thief
Got Life

Water You Doing?

My plumber is busy
And I am pissed
They put me on
Their wading list

Over Throne

Despots never seem to know
When there will be a crisis
The news arrives to them as just
A bunch of peasant surprises

Drinking and Driving

The bartender drank so awful much
They said that he was blinded
And when he didn’t remember it
He claimed to be absinthe-minded

Famous Person Party RSVP

Stephen Hawking responded
To say as we begin
We’ll see him once again that day
When he comes rolling in

Untweetable

My bird is dead
Not a peep
Now for sale
Won’t go cheep

Ash Wednesday

The funeral home
Has a plan that sucks
They cremate pirates
To urn a few bucs

Obituary from 2019

“One white, one black, one blonde”
Fought crime on our TVs
For Mod Squad’s lovely Peggy
It was a Lipton tease

Two for One

One personality now
A different one later
Schizophrenic Buddhists
Are two with nature

Topless

Clarence made
A mistake today
On leaving the wig store
He forgot toupee

Full Blood

My spaniel’s not adopted
Don’t look at me agog
Because the fact of the matter is
She’s my biological dog

Enquiring People

Just one question
If I dare
Wouldn’t vanishing be easier
Into thick air?

Sweet Smelling

Good story tellers
Experience shows
Know how to put
The rose in prose

Nigh Time

I do not think
It’s wrong in practice
To describe a dream
As mind over mattress