Silly

My brother tells the story of
When we were little peers
And managed to get quite dirty
Then had to wash behind arrears

Santa Claus said
Time’s of the essence
If he’ll be able
To share his presence

Fashion is a form of black magic
That turns today’s objet d’art
Into tomorrow’s
Ugly fart

My spaniel’s not adopted
Don’t look at me agog
Because the fact of the matter is
She’s my biological dog

If there’s a dead window cleaner
That you once adored
You can summon them up
With an old squeegee board

The Mexican navy
I much adore
Each sailor there
A sea señor

I seem to have my zipper stuck
Excuse me now, I’m copin’
I can’t believe my rotten luck
Why did it happen when open?

The sun’s so bright today
I hope it passes
But until it does
My sunglasses need sunglasses

The martial arts
Affect my stance
Consider the black belt
Holding up my pants

Coin-operated slot machines
Can turn rich into debtors
And all of them need to work on
Change for the bettor

Photography jokes
Sometimes fall flat
I know and I
Shutter to think about that

And finally, please hear my plea
Before my rant is done
I think it is impossible
To be alone with someone

In hide and seek
Bigfoot ain’t dumb
He calls out loud,
“Yeti or not, here I come”

Consider now the artichoke
A veggie that stands apart
With admirers all around the world
Everyone wants its heart

I burned myself quite badly
And really hoped to mend
So I saw my dermatologist
Who said, “Aloe my friend”

A fiancee who’s
An inspiration
Can become a spouse
Of exasperation

Adam and Eve
Promised to be there
If they can find
Something to wear

I saw today a group of squids
My friend said something odd
He referred to them collectively
As a squad

One of the Belgian
Teams is awful
Their fans call them
The Belgium Waffles

Carl Sagan the ASTRONOMER
Looked upwards more his share
Perhaps that is the reason why
They called him a MOON STARER

That toupee salesman
Mr. Coosher
Certainly is
A big rug pusher

If a poison maker’s
Poison rocks
Do you think they should
Be detoxed?

Working there in the stable
Was a smelly lady for sure
Of her it was said
All the horse men knew her
(say the last line out loud)

Mr. Bean said
“It is wrong”
“For you to string”
“Me along”

You dance
I sit
That’s it

A sedative for your salamander
They put in a fancy bottle
And gave it a most unusual name
“Relaxalotl”

They say there are three dimensions
Height and depth and width
But my stomach just made a new one
I refer to it as the midth

“Alive, yet dead,”
My buddy joked
Because, you see
His pet frog croaked

One day I’ll go to Greenwich
And it’ll be most fine
But I’m not sure what I should do
In the mean time

Sleep comes naturally
To me, I suppose
Cuz I can do it
With my eyes closed

I feel like such a failure
And here’s the reason why
I love to go fly fishing
But I’ve never caught a fly

When a TV’s talking
Head annoys
Remember empty vessels
Make the most noise

I went to visit my poet friend
My writing skills to hone
And she told me to sit right down
And make myself a tome

I went and took a giant chance
But now I’m rather sad
It was a calculated risk
But my math was very bad

Complete omnipotence
Should not be dismissed
It permits one to do things
Without having to exist

The model certainly
Caught some eyes
Trying lingerie
On for sighs

One bird to another
Gave a terrible line
“I ate all the dinner”
“You weren’t heron time”

Post cards are a means to show
The way our letters come and go
I’d like to learn the system, so
If you don’t get this, please let me know

A husband of 30 years
Just got burned to ashes
He said his wife’s hot
But only in flashes

The Romans met but once per week
With no fanfare or decorum
No need to meet more frequently
That was just enough forum

One team that strives
For sex appeal
Is Pennsylvania’s
Lehigh Heels

A eunuch is a person who
Is there through thick and thin
Some describe one as a man
With his works cut out for him

At that flea circus
You should know
A dog went out
And stole the show

I’m surprised to realize
At this stage
That youth’s more fragile
Than old age

Dad says all the mistakes I make
Are unnecessary and aberrant
And that is why he calls me
His err apparent

So I got this apartment really cheap
Four foot ceilings everywhere
It’s really getting on my nerves
I can’t stand living there

If no one was there
To hear the Fall
Would it mean that autumn
Didn’t happen at all?

When I am needing
To get to sleep
I know that I
Can count on sheep

I won’t drive co-workers
Underground when we roam
Cuz I suffer from
Carpool tunnel syndrome

Of beer, I guess
The saying is true
That it’s a solution
For what ales you

I asked the lone wolf
He did not hold back
No bumming cigarettes
Without a pack

Puberty’s a time of life
Both wonderful and mysterious
And for every single one of us
It’s a hair raising experience

Cheese was the downfall
Of Eve and Adam
Way back in
The Garden of Edam

His mood ring’s lost
No need to doubt it
But he doesn’t know
How he feels about it

When Cuba’s first
To space was shot
Havana had
A Castronaut

In the article about sinuses
It’s well understood
The nasal passages
Are very good

I’m happy it’s Awareness Awareness Week
The reason is because
It makes a lot more sense to me
Than Obliviousness Awareness Week was

The cloned octopi
Got some grins
When someone labeled them
iTentacle twins

That computer guy
I do report
Needs a lot of
Emojional support

It happens to me
Each time I whack
The weeds just keep on
Coming back

I tell duck jokes
Around the town
And no matter what
I won’t cut down

February is National Heart Month
A time for heart improvement
Jennifer needs to work on hers
Due to lack of movement

She’s weighed the plusses and minuses
And come to realize
It’s easier to shed boyfriend Ted
Cuz who wants to exercise?

Captain Ahab sought Moby Dick
Many wakeful nights without fail
And when he finally found him
He fell asleep at the whale

A geometrician met a lass
He thought was very fine
And so it was most logical
When he gave her a line

Making Chicken Napoleon
Is a very odd art
It only requires
The boney part

Cookbook poets
Are quite diverse
But they all write
For batter or verse

A guy was cloned
Who came from Guelph
Now he knows not what
To do with himself

Velcro was a silly thing
That made its users laugh
Until they got the idea to
Invent the other half

I see it all the time
And feel the need to expose it
Those who forget their Facebook history
Are doomed to repost it

Don’t believe everything you hear
“Nothing is impossible,” some folks say
But I know scads of people, my dear
Who do nothing every single day

Please saveth me
From King James verse
It cannotst getteth
Any worse

The Jolly Green Giant got sick, I hear
With urine the color of a pea
He’s on the mend, it would appear
Since he got hooked up to the ivy

That counting guy
Obsessive and how
I wonder what
He’s up to now?

In Venezuela,
Demonstrations
When they win
Caracus Celebrations

The bakery making pastries
Creates a product great
And they certainly can churn them out
At a high turnover rate

If fireplace makers
Work is mis-handled
Does that mean they will
Get dismantled?

His mother said
All full of joy
“My Edgar Allen’s”
“One Poe boy”

The patriot Paul upon his horse
Alerted people plenty
I think it is the reason why
He was revered by many

Too many statues
And too much loot
Gets devoted to those
Who make the statutes

Santa delivered two pieces of coal
Creating a local stir
The bad children obviously knew them
As the carbon copies they were

I really like
Greek food because
It uses great
Tzatziki Tzauce

When my French friend departed
No goodbye, it’s true
Unfortunately he left
Without further adieu

My hobby is solving labyrinths
It’s what I love to do
The key is working speedily
Taking only a minotaur two

Jet lag is very misnamed
You see
Cuz it isn’t the jet that’s lagging
It’s me

To Michael Jordan for his work
They gave a lovely owl
He was modest and said he didn’t deserve
To get a personal fowl

Of the Kardashians I see
My praise is conditional
Fluffy, fluffy stuff they be
Superficially superficial

Astronauts on the moon
Will be in a fix
Cuz blood suckers there
Are luna ticks

I’m not sure
This has been divulged
But sumo wrestling
Is a Battle of the Bulged

A PRESBYTERIAN on his knees
Is not so very rare
I’ve heard them claim that they’re the ones
Who are the BEST IN PRAYER

I went to get a haircut
But didn’t know what to do
The line to get into the shop
Was quite a barberqueue

A simple pun
Just made me ill
“The largest pickle”
“Is a big dill”

That very immature criminal
Is more naive than mean
His mother just reminded him
Not to leave DNA at the scene

My January verse is totally cursed
And I am most upset
Its prime design could not be worse
I’m only on the winternet

The local landscaper
Is a guy named Jim
He’s liked because
You get a lawn with him

The Domino’s guy
Just yelled out ‘what?”
When his life in two
Pizzas was cut

The guy who took third
Got a tasty shrimp dinner
Recognized as
The prawns medal winner

Various things
In my garden are squirming
And make me think of
Global worming

I blasted a fish in stockings
My gun? A single barrel
Some people said I shouldn’t be
Shooting fish in apparel

Isn’t it
A bit absurd
That a word to the wise
Is never one word?

I stare in amazement at our crazy world
Shaking my head with surprise
When the subject we’re talking about is truth
Demand exceeds supplies

My author friend
Just told to me
Three mystery tales
A thrillogy

Time worked against me
Then I got it straight
‘Til you show up for something
You cannot be late

A wizard’s reason
To exist
Is making it to
The 10-most wanded list

(a verse about John Lennon and his mother, Julia)

A single picture’s all we have
Of John beside his mum
She postures for the camera
He squints up at the sun

A bit of space between them
Her hands hold him in place
The smile she wears is simple
No makeup on her face

John’s hand is moving quickly
It leaves a blur instead
His upper row of teeth are seen
A hat frames Julia’s head

The Julia from his ballad
Seashell eyes and windy smile
Unapparent in the image
Posed in standard British style

Her life, a modern tragedy
Alive one day, then gone
Ripened the fruit of anger
Deep inside of John

They soon would lose connection
This mom and wriggling child
For John, it was rejection
His emotion unreconciled

The army dentist
In his tent
Is the company
Drill sergeant

An underwater structure
In the bay caused shipping grief
So much, in fact, that it was known
As the Great Burier Reef

Governments know
What the facts is
Their world revolves
On its taxes

Here’s some advice
I think is a keeper
Muddying waters
Makes them seem deeper

(adapted from Nietzsche)

In Holland, all
The Dutch are pleased
To be rooting for
The Amsterdam Yankees

As I sit here drinking
Gin and tonic
It strikes me that
Steel is ironic

Sigmund Freud
Is gonna skip
Sadly he’s gonna
Let this one slip

My gorilla impersonation
Made many frown
Until I learned
To knuckle down

What is the world to the ants?
It is doing an ant kind of dance
And working together
In all kinds of weather
While living in holes beneath plants

Alexander Bell
Has another thing
But if he can get out
He’ll give us a ring

Being a chicken’s
Gotta suck
Since roosters work
Around the cluck

A purchase is the way we get
The goods to pack in cases
And how we pay for every bet
That goes at Greyhound races

If you are into monogramming
Listen to me, ma’am
A pair of them together gives
One single diagram

Into his planner
Dewey looked
And said it appears
That he is booked

Frosty the snowman
Won’t discuss how he felt
Cuz talking about love
Makes his heart melt

A buddy speaks of sex a lot
With great enthusiasm
But it gets old – he talks too much
Another big bore-gasm

Schrodinger gave me a package
To celebrate Yuletide
But I won’t know if it’s a gift or not
Until I look inside

A big shout “out”
And one big grin
To those who don’t know
The opposite of “in”

Utilities are high
For water flowing
So prepare to be
H2Owing

Elon Musk
What a mess
Worth so much
Yet so worthless

They had a romance that was intense
Entwining each young heart
‘Twas said their love was quite immense
But the houseboat couple drifted apart

Now I do not have a job
I sit around and wonder
Do meteorologists feel like me
That someone stole their thunder?

When the conductor had an accident
While on tour in Cuba
They kept him alive in the hospital
By feeding him through a tuba

To get hair permed or dyed
On some occasions
Is just a do or dye
Situation

I really am avoidable
When I have morning breath
It’s also what bull fighters do
When they are dodging death

Ms Ball bought an island
In the sea
That everyone calls
The “Isle of Lucy”

My dermatologist’s
Standing tall
Her son is going
To collagen the fall

When poetry fails
Everyone knows
It’s time to leave it
To the prose

The octomom
And octodad
Say they are both
Stork raving mad

And regarding my climbing
Of Everest, yup
One way it is true
That I made it up

The old cowboy said
He feared falling and then
Not being able
To giddyup again

A melody is a musical thread
Buried in the sounds of a song
Dancing around inside my head
All day long

Should sandwiches be what you crave
This one will be a joy
The house’s spooky specialty
The Edgar Allen Poe Boy

In the 17th century
There were no tweets
People were baroque
And luting in the streets

Whether it’s expressing existential pain
Or standing puzzled at the office door
The question asked is still the same
“What did I come here for?”

I relabeled the spices
To get my wife fumin’
She doesn’t know yet
But the thyme is cumin

Opposable thumbs are more useful than
Middle fingers
But the latter provide
Better zingers

Scientists at Certs
Work to convince
By performing more
Experimints

The new NASCAR film
It would appear
Is the fuel good movie
Of the year

Dot to dot puzzles
I like them fine
With them I know
Where to draw the line

The plumber made the water rise
To fill my paper cup
“It’s twenty feet from ground to top”
This little guy piped up

I really wish that someone
Would explain to me again
Which one is the secret identity
Clark Kent or Superman?

Steinway RSVPed to say
That he would really love it
To help remember, he said that he
Would make a note of it

The boomerang’s a device
You can send on a tour
Knowing that it’ll
Come back to where you’re

For Boeing executives
There’s no need for mopin’
You can visit them easily
Their doors are always open

Retirement’s when
You gotta believe
People take
Maturity leave

She was the kind of lady
Who fell in love too easily
Like with her iPhone

And like those
Who love to talk,
She had nothing to say

I knew her, liked her
In very small doses
Then one day she flew

Now I’m bereft
There’s no one left
For me to not talk to

The shoe store says
They’re used to it
People coming in
And having a fit

Regarding the matter of plagiarism
It’s really sad, but true
That what you get in trouble for
Is something you didn’t do

If your world has been turned upside down
Here’s a good thing to note
It could certainly be far worse, you know
Were it instead, a boat

Bill pours strong foundations
By the yard or by the meter
He’s famous now and people call him
William the Concreter

If you get home
And your butt is draggin’
Your dog gives you
A welcome waggin’

He complains about her night and day
And never does respect her
I guess that must be why they say
He’s an unconscientious objector

I’ve changed a lot with aging
I used to hate to be alone
That meant sneaking out to parties
Now I sneak out of parties to go home

That book hoarder
Did it again
She obviously has problems
With shelf discipline

My bucket list is shrinking
Even as I speak
It seems to me the crazy thing
Has sprung a leak

Self-referential publishing
Is hot, please take a look
Check out the one with great reviews
The “Dummies for Dummies” book

Because the relationship
Can be quite loony
You should never judge
A book by its movie