(Thanks to Will Keim for the title)
In the big inning God did create
A pentagon he called home plate
And there upon it where he stood
God declared it “Verily, good”
And it was
Around what God called infield spaces
He scattered round a set of bases
And put three players guarding them
The first and second and third base men
Next he built the outfield walls
And created shortstops fielding balls
Then further back and oh so deft
God put outfielders – right, center, left
To get the games up fast and going
He set catchers catching and pitchers throwing
And seeing what they did to hitters
God said “Thou shalt not throw spitters”
But many broketh his commandment
And while it was a major boner
God spent time creating owners
He stipulated one condition
That umps would make the game decisions
And arguments were born
That too was fine for many years
But later God would shift his gears
He didn’t like a call one day
And so invented instant replay
The Almighty wasn’t all controllin’
No punishment for bases stolen
Four balls did God declare a walk
And hesitation was a balk
Although it made the pitchers groan
He made a fairly small strike zone
And limiting the hitters’ clout
God said three strikes should be an out
Unless the catcher dropped the ball
Where there was flatness on the ground
God created a pitcher’s mound
But said it shouldn’t be too high
Six inches upwards toward the sky
And God said scorers would be the ones
Who circled bases, making runs
To keep employed statistics guys
God created RBIs
And the clean up hitter was born
For keeping balance, God gave ways
To get two outs with double plays
And three outs God an inning made
Then after nine of them were played
He said the team that won a game
Would have more runs beside its name
But if no team by nine was winning
A game would go to extra innings
Visualizing what this portends
God made relief pitchers for the ends
And in the 7th innings, God stretched
With insightfulness he had so vast
God put the home teams batting last
And trying hard to make things better
God came up with the double header
A different decision made folks bitter
Involving designated hitters
The fighting caused in God fatigue
So he said, “Just for the American League”
And the All Star game and the World Series
Each league began with just eight teams
Til God let down his guard, it seems
So Satan took advantage and
Declared expansion ‘cross the land
And God said, “Uh oh”
Expansion plans spread teams around
And took them from the Polo Grounds
Now there are remnants of these ways
You’ve surely heard of the Devil Rays
Of course
And owner greed and tough contracts
Burned Ruth and Gehrig and Sandy Koufax
So when Curt Flood said that he’d been screwed
Claiming indentured servitude
God the almighty did agree
And thus was born free agency
Look what happened to that
Next in the land, there soon arose
A problem everybody knows
Performance enhancing drugs became
A lot more than a bedroom game
New kinds of cheating, now well known
Those muscle building male hormones
And you-know-who was behind this
Finally God with a giant frown
Put his most almighty foot down
He said, “I’m announcing here today”
“We’ll start by having interleague play”
“And to finally atone for the O’Leary’s”
“I’m gonna let the Cubbies win a Series”
And things got better across the land
This year the biggest baseball need
Has been proclaimed – much better speed
Not of the fastball to the plate
Nor feet of any running great
Instead the owners think that riches
Will come with shorter time ‘tween pitches
We’ll learn more when the winter’s waned
And baseball players have been spring trained
Our world is crazy, the country split
The weather’s changing, some want to quit
Russian conspiracy and Kim Jung Un
Let’s hope it all gets settled soon
Will things get worse? We’ll know by fall
But until then, let us just “Play Ball!”
0 Comments