Our House is on Fire

OMG, our house is on fire.

I know this is one of those times most people get stressed out WAAY beyond belief with panic, crying, screaming and all sorts of, frankly, irrational, emotional behavior.

To be honest, that was my initial reaction too, but before I stepped off of that cliff, I took a deep breath, sat down and counted to 10 because I don’t want to be “one of those people.”

No, I believe cooler heads prevail and I’m going to see this one through, so time out while I pour a glass of wine and compile a list to get this thing rolling.

So, where to start?

Mmmm, that’s a good zin. Airlie? Gotta remember that.

Where was I? The kids are off at school, so I don’t have to try to decide which one to locate first (children can be very sensitive to this) and get them out of the house.

Boy, they sure grow up fast, don’t they?

Seems like only yesterday they were all in diapers and now Cameron’s in 5th grade, Kaylee’s in 3rd and Justin’s in 2nd.

Justin’s my baby, you know.

Still loves to sit on his mama’s lap by the fireplace in the winter.

Fireplace. Fire? Right. I got this.

Let’s put Mr. Fire Department at the top of the list.

[Sips wine]

1. Call Fire Department

Hey, I’m making progress!

Now I’m stuck as to next steps.

Think, Janey, think!

Part of me says I should try to rescue family heirlooms, but in the back of my mind I hear our tax accountant saying “Save important records.”

Decisions, decisions.

I bet this is why some people panic!

[Gulps wine, pours more]

Oh wow.

I really ought to kick myself.

There is a very easy solution to this one.

I’m embarrassed I didn’t think of it before – call my husband!

Jim’ll know which one to do first.

[Sips wine]

1. Call Fire Department
2. Call Jim
3. Save heirlooms or important records
4. Save important records or heirlooms

Now as I’m hearing the flames nearing the living room door I must confess to a bit of confusion as to next steps, but I refuse to give in to hysteria!

[Slurps wine]

Just as sure I start racing through doing things on the list I’ll overlook something and then where will I be?

House fires usually make the newspapers.

I probably should give them a call.

[Sips wine]

Also, my mother! I couldn’t leave her out. She’d never forgive me.

1. Call Fire Department
2. Call Jim
3. Save heirlooms or important records
4. Save important records or heirlooms
5. Call newspaper
6. Call Mom

[Drinks wine. Tips glass to collect last drop, pours more]

Now, I think this is all coming together and, while I feel a certain amount of pride in that, there is this nagging feeling I’m forgetting something very important.

Come on girl, you got this!

[Drums fingers on coffee table]

The dog! Where is Dixie?

She’s gotta go on the list, for sure.

1. Call Fire Department
2. Call Jim
3. Save heirlooms or important records
4. Save important records or heirlooms
5. Call newspaper
6. Call Mom
7. Locate Dixie

OK, that wasn’t so bad.

[Gulps wine, pours more]

Now’s the time for the heavy lifting.

Numero uno – Fire Department.

Where is that damned Fire Department number?

Isn’t it always this way?

Day in, day out, you don’t need something and then BAM – you need it and it’s nowhere to be found.

[Sips wine, coughs]

Seems like this is something I would have written down somewhere, but where?

Not on the refrigerator.

Nope, not on my phone either.

I wonder if Jim has it on his phone?

Well, easy enough to find out.

[Sips wine]

“Hello. Chloe?”

[Coughs]

“This is Janey.”

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks. How are you?”

“Uh huh. Well that’s good to hear. And Jeff?”

[Coughs]

“No, I think I think it’s all this stuff in the air.”

“Is Jim free?”

“In a meeting?”

“Oh. Do you think he’ll be long?”

“I see.”

“Could you ask him to give me a call as soon as he’s free?”

“Many thanks.”

[Slurps wine, coughs]

Well, now what to do?

Jeez, it’s getting hot in here.

[Coughs]

Maybe I should open a window.

Or should I?

[Taps finger to head]

Don’t want to fan these flames.

[Sips wine, coughs]

Open? Keep closed? I wish Jim would call.

What is that infernal siren out there?

[Looks out window]

Well, I guess I don’t need to find that phone number.

[Checks item #1 off list followed by pounding on front door]

“I’m fine. Be out in just a minute.”

[Coughs, sips wine, puts it down, looks in mirror]

Good God. Look at me.

My hair is a nightmare.

What a day to have the house catch fire.

When it rains, it pours, they say.

[RING/RING/RING]

“Oh hi honey. Thanks for calling back.”

“Can I put you on hold for just a minute?”

“Thanks.”

[Coughs, Looks back at mirror. Frantically runs comb through hair]

[Pounding sound of axe breaking through front door. Firemen rush in]

“Oh, hi. I’m almost ready”

“Come on lady”

“Now I’m not going anywhere until you take a deep breath and count to ten.”

[Clutches wine bottle]

[Fireman grabs Janey, throws her over his back and rushes through the front door]

“You still there, honey? Can I call you back?”

“Some men from the Fire Department are here and I think I need to deal with them first.”

“This should only be a few minutes. Love you.”