Cast of Characters
Gloria Pillwock – Small town girl seeking to make it anonymously in the big city
Glenda Pillwock – Alter ego of Gloria who aspires to be a stalker, but can’t spell and ends up working night shifts at Krogers.
Glinda Cramden – Good witch of the North who uses her magic wand in the climax of the play (spoiler alert) to save Gloria from the Tweezer people who are threatening to pluck her while allowing the production to end with everyone living happily ever after.
Gladys Peddlemore – Gratuitous character used for erotic love scenes in the remote chance this play gets made into a major motion picture.
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. – Versatile character with several confusing roles – alternately appearing as a brother and a husband to Gloria. Also appears in every restaurant scene as either a waiter, busboy or the scent of a mushroom stew. In addition, has a cameo role as a teller during Chase scene at a bank. Frustrates everyone by answering to the names of other characters.
Glenn Pillwock – Person who isn’t actually in the play, but asked to be listed in the Cast of Characters
Gladiola Nightingwale – Sexually frustrated backup character ready to “jump in” should any of the other characters forget their lines. Would be a love interest for Glenn Pillwock if he were in the play.
Special Guest Characters
The Hardy Boys – Frank and Joe
Auntie Em
Act I
Scene I
(setting – the spookiest house the Hardy Boys have ever seen)
Frank Hardy: I’m scared, Joe
Joe Hardy: Whattya think it is, Frank?
Frank Hardy: I don’t know, but I don’t think I’m gonna hang around and find out
(they exit, quickly)
Act I
Scene II
(LaGondola Spaghetti House in Decatur, IL.)
Gloria Pillwock: So I’ve got some great news, Glenn
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): Oh yeah?
Gloria Pillwock: Yeah.
Waiter (Glenn Pillwock, Jr.): Are you ready to order?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother) : Did you hear? Gloria has some great news!
Gloria Pillwock: He’s not interested in my news
Frank Hardy: Well maybe he’s not, but I am!
Gloria Pillwock: How the hell did you get in here?
Frank Hardy: Who?
Gloria Pillwock: You, Frank Hardy
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): You rang?
Gloria Pillwock: Glenn, my love. Come sit down. I’ve got some great news.
Joe Hardy: Yeah, let’s hear Gloria’s great news
Waiter (Glenn Pillwock, Jr.): Would all of you like drinks before getting started?
Gloria Pillwock: How did you do that?
Waiter (Glenn Pillwock, Jr.): Do what?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): Yeah, do what?
Gloria Pillwock: Appear simultaneously as my husband and my waiter?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): Don’t forget me!
Gloria Pillwock: Shush
Frank Hardy: Great idea. I’ll have a grape slushee
Joe Hardy: Make it two.
Busboy (Glenn Pillwock, Jr.): May I take your dishes?
Gloria Pillwock (looks at busboy and screams)
Act I
Scene III
(Times Square, NYC. Gloria’s great news has taken her to the Big Apple from Decatur, but only after having divided the Pillwock clan into factions who now all hate each other. She knows that the only hope for reuniting them is if she can turn her great news into an enormous anonymous success.)
Gloria Pillwock (wearing fake glasses with fake nose): So, here I am. If I can make it anonymously here, I can make it anonymously anywhere.
Silence
Gloria Pillwock: This family divisiveness is going to make it hard to keep a dialog going.
More silence
(Gloria walks up to panhandler)
Gloria Pillwock: So, what’s your name?
Panhandler: Joe Hardy
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother) : You rang?
Panhandler: Go AWAY
Gloria Pillwock (gasps): Joe Hardy? From the last scene?
Panhandler: What last scene?
Gloria Pillwock: You know, where you ordered a slushee just as the curtain was coming down?
Panhandler: You got any money?
Gloria Pillwock: Well, let me see. (reaches hand into pocket and pulls out a shiny quarter): How’s that?
(Panhandler takes shiny quarter, walks away)
Silence
More silence
(Another panhandler walks up to Gloria )
Panhandler #2: My brudda says you’re loaded
Gloria Pillwock: Oh yeah?
Panhandler #2: Can I have a quarter?
Gloria Pillwock (still in disguise): Maybe. What is your name?
Panhandler #2: Frank Hardy
Gloria Pillwock (gasps)
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): You called?
Gloria Pillwock (throws off fake glasses and nose): Go AWAY
Panhandler #2: Why Miss Pillwock, you’re, you’re beautiful
Act II
Scene I
Setting – luxurious meadow outside Decatur, IL. Gladys Peddlemore is frolicking and being pursued by a handsome young man
Gladys Peddlemore: I uh, uh . . . . (stammers)
Gladiola Nightingwale (jumping into the scene): . . . . wouldn’t trade this for anything!
Handsome Young Man: (smiles with a far away gaze in his eyes)
Gladiola Nightingwale: Quick, say something before she remembers her lines
Handsome Young Man: Would you like to run away with me?
Gladiola Nightingwale: Yes, yes . . . .
Gladys Peddlemore: . . . my love, it was meant to be
Gladiola Nightingwale (shakes head, leaving the scene): God damn. So close
Gladys Peddlemore: What if we took off our clothes for 10 minutes?
(ticking noise is heard)
Handsome Young Man (smiles and begins unbuttoning his shirt as sandstorm suddenly blows in from nowhere obscuring everything. Ticking continues. Voices are heard in the storm)
Female voice: Oh, oh, oh. I can’t believe this is happening
Male voice: Such is the way of love, my darling
Female voice: I was referring to the sandstorm. Where are you?
Male voice: Over here
Female voice: Ah, yes. What did you say your name was?
Male voice: Promise you won’t tell?
Female voice: Of course, my dearest
Male voice: Glenn Pillwock
Female voice: You mean Glenn Pillwock, Jr, right?
Familiar Male Voice: You called?
Male and Female Voice: Go AWAY
Male Voice: No. I am Glenn Pillwock
Familiar Male Voice: Dad!
Male and Female Voice: Go AWAY
Female voice: But, but, you’re not supposed to be in this play
Male voice: I know, but I’ll do anything for you
(Gladiola Nightingwale watches exchange with disgust and shakes head as scene closes)
Act II
Scene II
(Setting – Spooky site near old Decatur mill)
Frank Hardy: Joe?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): You called?
Joe Hardy: What are you doing here?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): I’m the love interest
Joe Hardy: You stay away from my brother
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): I have no interest in your brother
Frank Hardy: But, but . . .
Gladiola Nightingwale (jumping in with voice lowered to sound male) . . . we don’t need your kind here
Fade to silence
Act II
Scene III
(Setting – Sardi’s in NYC)
Gloria Pillwock (wearing bag over head): Well, well, my career sure is going well and no one knows me. I wonder how things are back in Decatur?
(scene dreamily fades to a frowning woman lugging a massive box of Heinz ketchup in Kroger’s grocery aisle)
Glenda Pillwock: S-T-A-L-K-E-R. S-T-A-L-K-E-R, S-T-A-L-K-E-R, goddamn it.
(dreamy fadeback to Sardi’s)
Gloria Pillwock: And my love. Where is my love?
Nothing happens
Gloria Pillwock: I said, “My love, where is my love?”
Gladiola Nightingwale (rushes into scene, dressed as a man): I’m here, my darling
Gloria Pillwock: What kept you?
Gladiola Nightingwale: I got tied up with Frank and Joe Hardy
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): You called?
Gloria Pillwock (looking at Gloria dressed as a man and Glenn): I’m confused
Waiter (Glenn Pillwock, Jr.): Have you all settled on what you’d like to have?
Gloria Pillwock (staring at all three of them): Now I’m really confused
Gladiola Nightingwale (with deep voice): I’ll have the mushroom stew
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): Uh oh
Act III
Scene I
(Setting – Chase Bank)
Gloria Pillwock (standing in line, dressed in blackface, looking at watch): I don’t know how I ever let my agent talk me into this.
Bank Teller: May I help you Ms Pillwock?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): Did someone call me?
Bank Teller: Go AWAY
Gloria Pillwock (looking at teller, very surprised): How did you know my name?
Bank Teller (pulls off rubber mask): Ha, ha. I fooled you. It is me, your husband, Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband)!
Glenn Pilwock, Jr. (brother): You called?
Gloria Pillwock: Go AWAY
(scene freezes. Sounds of sandstorm increase in volume. Faint voices are heard)
Female voice: Yes, yes, my love
Male voice: Anything for you Gladys
Familiar male voice: You called?
Male and Female Voices: Go AWAY
Act III
Scene II
Previous scene dreamily shifts to the Kansas countryside where the sounds of the sandstorm have now turned into the sounds of a vicious tornado about to land
Frank Hardy: Joe?
Joe Hardy: You called?
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): That’s my line, asshole
Auntie Em: Go AWAY
(then, suddenly, Gloria Pillwock, dressed as a clown, and a small dog fall from the sky)
Gloria Pillwock: What, what, what am I doing here?
Small dog: It’s a plot twist
Gloria Pillwock: You can talk!?!
Small dog: (no sound)
Gladiola Nightingwale (dressed as a dog, rushing onto scene): Woof!
Gloria Pillwock: You bark?
Small dog: Toto-ally
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): Someone called?
Small dog: Go AWAY
Gloria Pillwock: I’m confused. One minute I’m continuing my successful anonymous career in the Big Apple and the next thing I know, I’m in Kansas
Frank Hardy: There must be a reason
Joe Hardy: But we haven’t got a clue
Frank Hardy: Hmmmmm
Joe Hardy: Hmmmm
(sounds of kicking as author punishes self for forgetting to include a wicked witch in the Cast of Characters)
Glinda Cramden (looking at her watch, waiting for a cue):
Small dog: Hmmmm
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother) (waiting for a cue):
Gladiola Nightingwale (still dressed as a dog): Hmmmm
(suddenly, there is a disturbance, a rustling noise is heard and then a scream)
“It’s the Tweezer People. Run for your lives!”
(One of the Tweezer People grabs Gloria with its evil pincers and starts to squeeze)
Glinda Cramden (realizes her moment, enters the scene and waves her magic wand): Unpluck that woman!
(The Tweezer People retreat and disappear)
Gloria Pillwock: Thank goodness. You saved my life. I can’t thank you enough, Good Witch Glinda
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother): You called?
Gladiola Nightingwale (still dressed as dog): Go AWAY, Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (brother)
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): You called?
Gloria Pillwock: Darling. It is so good to see you.
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): I’m being hustled by a clown?
Gloria Pillwock (ripping off costume): No, my darling. It is me!
Glenn Pillwock, Jr (husband): Gloria!
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (Busboy): Did someone call?
Frank Hardy: Go AWAY
Act III
Scene III
Gloria Pillwock: This is the happiest day of my life.
Glenn Pillwock, Jr. (husband): Yes, indeed. And guess what? Everyone in Decatur has made up and they love each other.
Frank and Joe Hardy: Mystery solved!
Gloria Pillwock: So everyone will live happily every after!
Gladiola, Gladys, Glenda and Glenn Pillwock: What about us?
(Sounds of sandstorm increase as curtains close and then silence)
Gloria Pillwock: God I’m starved. Why do I have this craving for mushroom stew?
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