Setting – Busy Restaurant. Seated inside – man and woman, arguing. Two males walk in, one tall, one short, and get seated. As the waiter moves to their table, the tall one assumes a rigid pose with neck uncomfortably extended and he is completely motionless except for very visibly blinking eyes.
Waiter (addressing tall guy): “Excuse me sir. Is something wrong?”
Short guy: “Nah, it’s just Calvin. He’s in his mummy mode”
Waiter: “Mummy mode?”
Short guy: “It’s this new yoga thing he’s doing”
Waiter: “Mummy Yoga? Never heard of it”
Short guy: “I hadn’t either. Calvin says it helps him to relax”
Waiter (staring the very rigid Calvin directly in the eye): “Well, it certainly doesn’t look very relaxing.”
Short guy: “Calvin says it’s more of an inner kind of calm”
Waiter: “Does he have to do it right now?
Calvin (blinks)
Short guy: “Calvin says yes”
Waiter: “He didn’t say anything”
Short guy: “When he’s doin’ his yoga, he communicates by blinking. A fast blink means ‘yes’ and a slow blink means ‘no’
Waiter: “Can’t he just say yes or no?”
Short guy: “Oh no. Calvin says speaking disturbs the trance. His yogi said he should NEVER disturb his trance.”
Waiter: “So he’s just going to sit here like this?”
Calvin (blinks)
CRASH happens over at the table of the arguing couple as a result of a glass being thrown to the floor and breaking.
Woman: “ . . . . and I never want to speak to you again.”
Waiter (scurrying to survey the broken glass): “Is there some problem here, madam?”
Woman: “I’ll say there is. Waiter, I need a new table.”
Waiter: “A new table?”
Woman: “Yes, and I never want to speak to this man again.”
Man: “Now, Rosemary.”
Rosemary: “Waiter, I asked for a new table”
Waiter: “Well, we are very busy right now, madam”
Rosemary: “I insist”
Waiter: “Let me see what I can do”
Man: “I’m very sorry for all of this, We don’t need a new table”
Woman: “He’s right. WE don’t need a new table. I need a new table. Waiter!”
Waiter (attempting to shush): “Perhaps the two of you would like a more private location
Rosemary: “I’ll take it. But he ain’t comin’”
Man: “Now, Rosemary . . . “
Rosemary (grabs bag and plate full of food and turns to waiter as she stands): “You may tell Mr. Marquardt our dinner is over”
Rosemary crosses in front of waiter and sits down at empty table next to Calvin and friend
Waiter: “I’m sorry, madam, but this table is reserved.”
Rosemary: “Switch their reservation to Mr. Marquardt’s table”
Waiter: “But it’s occupied by your date, madam.”
Rosemary: “Well, kick him out. You’re the waiter.”
Waiter: “I can’t just go kicking customers out.”
Short Guy (interrupting): “Could we get some menus here?”
Waiter: “I’m very sorry sir. Just one moment”
Waiter runs, retrieves menus, returns. The short guy has disappeared
Waiter: “Where’s your friend?”
Calvin: (Stares)
Waiter: “Well, here are the menus he . . . “
Screams are heard
Rosemary: “Get away from this table”
Mr. Marquardt: “Now, Rosemary . . . . “
Waiter (rushing over): “Sir and Madam. I’m sorry, but I must ask you to . . . . “
Short Guy: “Excuse me. Could we get some service over here?”
Waiter (turns around): “I’m sorry. When I brought the menus back a moment ago, you were gone.”
Short Guy: “Well, we are ready to order now. We don’t have a lot of time.”
Waiter (looking nervously back at Rosemary who remains at the table with Mr. Marquardt and then forward to the Short Guy and Calvin): “Very good sir. And what will you two be having tonight?”
Short Guy: “Calvin, what would you like?”
Calvin (sits there):
Waiter (squats to get his eyes at Calvin’s level): “I see. Nothing for you, sir? (looks back at Short Guy) – “And how about you, sir?”
Short Guy: “Wait a minute. Calvin, are you sure you don’t want anything?”
Calvin (blinks)
Short Guy: “That’s what I thought.”
Waiter (exasperated): “He blinked. That means he doesn’t want anything, right?”
Short Guy: “No, no, no. He slow blinked. That means “no,” which means he DOES want something.”
Waiter: “Slow blinked?”
Short Guy: “Yeah, like I said. A fast blink means yes and a slow blink means no.”
Waiter: “I see. He wants to order. (sighs) Does he have a blink for that?”
Short Guy (indignant): “Of course he does. All you have to do is read him the menu and he’ll slow blink each item he doesn’t want until you get to the right item at which point he’ll fast blink.”
Screaming from next table. Waiter pivots.
Rosemary: “It’s off, Rodney. O-F-F!” (Stands abruptly, chair tips backwards crashing behind her, then grabs ring finger of hand, yanks off ring and throws it into Mr. Marquardt’s soup) “Waiter!”
Mr. Marquardt: “Now, Rosemary”
Short Guy (more indignant): “Service, please, waiter. We haven’t finished our order.”
More screaming. This time, it’s the waiter running from the room with hands outstretched over his head.
End of Scene
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