Grendel Windcraft (pronounced Jane Johnson), spokesperson for the Copley Hike and Bike Rent-a-Bike Shop in Siamese Triplets, NM, announced Monday that unless the Earth is hit by a large meteor this year, she will not for run for Mayor, hike the Pacific Crest Trail, start a new career as a paramedic, take paragliding lessons, enroll in an astrophysics graduate program or eat at any Five Star Michelin restaurant with her brother, Seth. Instead, she plans to focus her energies on increased Marlboro smoking, reduced exercise and weight gain.