One Liner

Great name for a wrap group – “Cellophane”

Master gardeners are grow-it laureates

Stubborn old people go to resisted living

Soda machines are coiniverous

Thugs are people who quit working for good

Shouldn’t drug store helpers be called Pharmacistants? 

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

Birds in Valdez, AK wake up oily every morning

If pedestrians had wings, they wouldn’t need to get run over to get them

Salivary glands are very secretive

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Perseid meteors are comet vomit

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Birds like to go on pecknics

Balloon doctors are burst responders

Coffee plantation workers are grounds keepers

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

I’m a don’t it yourselfer

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

‘R’ is a ringleader

Pie makers have serious crust issues

Cancer doctors are oncallogists

Charles Schulz’s auto is in the shop for cartooning

Wonder Woman is a super she-ro

I just bought a painting by that fancy new artist – SavingsandLoansy

Twelve procrastinators comprise a dozen’t

The secrets of garden imps are revealed with full gnome sequencing

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

When Apollo 13 failed to land on the moon, they sent Apollogies 

People who have nostalgebra yearn for old math

The present is a beta test for the future

Squeezing a sponge ball too hard can cause Nerf damage

June weddings come in bridal waves

All men are cremated equal

Police are blue color workers

Ants with malaise = Melancolony

Citrus fruits learn their lessons at A Lemon Tree School

Balloons hate pop music

Fear of giants is feefiphobia

Kids get coronavirus on the plague grounds

Angry hippies get incensed

“Must read” books are on my bucket lits

My arrogant uncle has low relative humility

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces

Retirement is not working for me

The sign said “Void Where Prohibited” and then I got arrested for public urination

An angry ocean is fit to be tide 

Living forever is the same as dying forever

New insect repellant – All Pest Off

Sin city = Las Vegas. Den city = mass/volume

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Chasing dogs from yards is lawn forcement

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum

My dentist is abscessive compulsive

I Concord my fear of grapes

Lumberjacks are a bunch of hackers

Plants answer phones by saying “Aloe”

Golfers like to putt themselves on pedestals

If there is safety in numbers, why are there letters in safety?

A three-foot aardvark is a yardvark

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

Archaeologists make ground-breaking discoveries

Depressing is what comes after delaundry

Sheep shearers are lamb scrapers

Noel Coward is afraid of Christmas

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

Music videos are full of JLo shots

A duck muzzle isn’t flashy, but it fits the bill

Why isn’t a #1 pencil the most popular?

In the ocean, love is brined

Good golf greens are for the birdies 

I write profanities in cursive

Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale

I brew tea infusiastically

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

My wife and I walk aimlessly.  Just meander

Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish

Scholars of holy books celebrate Joy to the Word 

A small psychiatrist is a little stiff

The pottery place went broke. Foul clay is suspected

Picky friends are trite and true

Curling irons offer permanent solutions to hairy problems

There are no recipes for leftover chocolate 

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

Tolkien’s writing was hobbit forming

Go With the Wind – Advice to a guy urinating in the woods

Guillotines work at breakneck speed

Antibiotics never go viral

Endless love – when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis

Grooming rabbits involves hare styling

Hollywood is the land of reel estate

People using Yiddish expressions are oysters

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

The very busy guy was missing inaction

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles

My film about the metric system lacks footage

Traveling lawyers buy suevenirs

The Stoned Age began with the discovery of fire and weed

A bashful one-eyed monster is a shyclops

The guy who said ‘rupee’ was talking non-cents 

When Ling-Ling and her friends got sick, it was a pandamic

Bulky underwear is the bottom line

When gambling is outlawed, only outlaws will be abetting

T-Rex shopped at Dinos-R-Us

People with impact have more per say

Rich Japanese are billyenaires

Lumber mills have board meetings

When the man was late for his baby’s delivery, he was dad on arrival 

Digital displays are signs of the times

In cellular math, dividing = multiplying 

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

A tug of war is an awful apulling idea

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Trinogometry – the science of scrambled letter words

Typochondriacs fear mistakes

Children live in Play-Doh’s Republic

My tic-tacs are in mint condition

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Opera is my aria of expertise 

A divorce court can offer affair trial

When I mix up punch lines, I have a punundrum 

Trimogonetry – the science of syllable scrambling

It takes two people to make one angry

Wayward leaves end up in the gutter

Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

String theory is very knotty

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

What to give someone who has everything – Omnipresents

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

I dropped my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal and cried over spelt milk

To touch the electrical line, there is a small charge

Laughter is the best thing for your health, short of insurance

You have the right to remain stupid, but everything you say can and will be remembered

A vampire is a hemogoblin 

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

My hamburger business got started from the ground up

Math pain comes from fibromyalgebra 

She’s a forest queen to others, but a big Miss Tree to me

He had a name that looked like an eye chart

The weight-lifting lawyer has the power of attorney

Halloween insects are maskquitoes.

Dog diseases can sometimes be heartworming 

Chickens digest food with henzymes

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

The dessert thief is now in custardy

The nudist colony is in the middle of no wear

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

Hot Dog Shop Name – Mustard’s Last Stand

A woman replaced a stolen handbag and got reimpursed 

Long hikes are really wanderful

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

After she got him a Lawn Boy, he loved her mower

Great line – “I miss you like an idiot misses the point”

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

Meat thieves are choplifters 

When the COVID guy sneezed, he got sued for aerosolt and battery

Food cooked in a pita pan never gets old

Synesthesiacs have great taste in music

Fractions are a division of math

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

An unruly hairstyle is a mussed do

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

The Catholic church accepts donations through papal

The janitor’s union is calling for sweeping reforms 

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

Cannibal lions swallow their pride

The swimming pool has a long wading list

Chefs are panhandlers

A Viking ship is a Fjord Explorer

Two familiar quotations are known as a Bartlett pair 

Snake towels are labeled Hers and Hiss

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

In barber college, cutting class is essential

I like Shakespeare burgers, no matter what sonnet

For some, algebra is a mathematical mystery tour