One Liner

People afraid of leading are powerds

Aged poets like to talk about old rhymes

An Australian paradox is a conundrum from down undrum

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

Ear worm protection involves heard immunity

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

Some minds are like feathers, easily blown

When Ling-Ling and her friends got sick, it was a pandamic

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Picky friends are trite and true

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

The medium Pepsi bottle was the Liter Of The Pack

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Kids on merry-go-rounds remind us that wee are the whirled

My flowers caught a fungus from the STD florist

Finding Sasquatch – no small feet

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Dishonest electricians commit wire fraud

Santa keeps clothes in his Clauset

Bakers believe in flour power

In that UCLA guy, I see trouble, a Bruin

People trade corn futures on the stalk market

Inuit Valentine – “I only have ice for you”

Scholars of holy books celebrate Joy to the Word 

Fizzics – the only degree offered at Alka Seltzer U

Quadruplets are four crying out loud

The Catholic church accepts donations through papal

Chefs are panhandlers

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

The old protestor’s youth was just a dissident memory

Bad magicians get disillusioned

My new scarecrow is a no-brainer 

When you lose a Zoom connection, you must re-Zoom

Synchronized swimmers are a splash mob

What happens when you die in the afterlife?

A woman replaced a stolen handbag and got reimpursed 

String theory is very knotty

Senior citizens old on for dear life

‘R’ is a ringleader

I don’t like being the same age as old people

I shoveled 27 feet of dirt to get the hole nine yards

Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Harry and Meghan’s Departure was a Reign Drain

People with impact have more per say

A high rise pig home is a styscraper

Home Depot is a carpenter’s nail salon

Headline – Geology Group Plans Research Trip
Subtext – Sedimental Journey

I’d do my own taxes, but I’m not Intuit 

There was so much laundry to do, I threw in the towel

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

What is Averagecalifragilisticexpialidociousness?

A library is a multi-story building

The arsonist got a lighter sentence

Headline – Lake Michigan Floods Illinois
Subtext – Chicagone

Dancing cheek to cheek is floor play

Headline – Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext – Chrysler Imperil

An army dentist is a drill sergeant

When you work in a hay field, you bail before you quit

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Tulsa spelled backwards is “a slut”

Headline – Cuban Leader’s Brother Declared Traitor
Subtext – Infidel Castro

Sardines hang out in tinning salons

Frozen apples are hardcore

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

What a contract giveth, the fine print taketh away

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s moving up on my list.

Potatoes that turn against you are traitor tots

French gamers use a joie stick

Prison entrepreneurs are sell mates

The tailor of a tycoon’s kid is an heir dresser

Bankers need someone to lien on

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

Pigeons – we’re talking bird banes 

Living forever is the same as dying forever

Headline – Smelly Bandit Robs Store
Subtext – Who was that musked man?

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

The Norse transplant patient has a new Swedeheart

Fishing gives me a big haddock

That reverberating urge to ‘buy’? – Echonomics

Chasing dogs from yards is lawn forcement

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

The janitor’s union is calling for sweeping reforms 

Cutting grass helps maintain lawn order

Why isn’t a #1 pencil the most popular?

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

I brew tea infusiastically

With Christmas coming, it’s time to brush up on your buyology

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers

Income tax time involves the Declaration of Dependents 

A calendar’s days are numbered

Lechers like belle bottoms

Merchants report drones are flying off the shelves 

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

The Windows® guy was a real pane

Knights provide sirvices

Paying with a credit card is a buy pass operation

Pulses advance when advances are not repulsed

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

In the ocean, love is brined

Lumberjacks have don’t have many chopping days til Christmas

Canada isn’t real.  It’s only mapleleaf

The optometry school’s football team is the Fighting Iris

It rains so much in Oregon, bell ringers work for the Salvation Navy

A marijuana investor is a spender in the grass

The fool’s kiss worked because the kiss fooled her

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

Traffic fatalities = death in the fast lane

Antibiotics never go viral

Farmers have detractors. They also have deplows

Nothing tops a plain pizza

Halloween insects are maskquitoes.

People who stand too close are nearcissists

As much fun as a one lip kiss

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

Best ethnic food in a pandemic – Togo

Beauty is in the eye of the creator of the compost heap

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

Plants answer phones by saying “Aloe”

Box office proceeds are play money

Misspellers have Guardian Angles

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

I have a big food fatish

To keep dairy from moving, Tie Cheese

Dry cleaners go to hanger management classes

The country singer who forgot to shave – Woolly Nelson

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

After she got him a Lawn Boy, he loved her mower

Diamond companies mine their own business

Hanukkah celebrants say “Oy to the World”

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

Swedish dogs bjark

Shallow people easily get in over their heads

Referees are fight attendants

In LA, beachgoers do SoCal distancing

When the COVID guy sneezed, he got sued for aerosolt and battery

Balloons hate pop music

Things spring to life, but not to death

Cat burglars commit felinies

The stolen bag thief’s trial was a brief case

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

The devil is in the denials

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

Elon Musk should be ticketed for driving under the affluence

Headline – Former Sec. of State Endorses Laxative
Subtext – Colon Pow!

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

The Houston guy who chases out evil spirits is a Texorcist

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

I got in trouble for saying my wife’s expensive new pants were a huge waste

Real eyes realize real lies

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

For some, algebra is a mathematical mystery tour

When I write, I column as I see umn

Common sense is now behind a paywall

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

I told my friends I’m up for “Bullshitter of the Year.” I don’t have a chance, though – they don’t believe me.

Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

Dracula was a red blood cell Count

When the deaf and blind fight, senseless violence occurs

At the end of the month, many religious college students are Ramen Catholics

Pre-ripped jeans are available holesale

I buy pickles from a local dillership

Self-employed people mind their own business

A centipede shouldn’t put all its legs in one basket

Under table footsie is just play toe

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

Zoo veterinarians discuss the elephant in the womb

Long hikes are really wanderful

Today’s innovation is tomorrow’s obvious

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

Perfumes get made in an olfactory

Look before you click