One Liner

Mathematicians at Halloween – “Trig or Treat”

College is assisted living for young adults 

Tears – hydraulic power capable of moving the hardest heart

The Beach Boys in Africa sang Help Me Rwanda

Soda machines are coiniverous

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

Half price at the roller rink is for cheap skates 

Plants answer phones by saying “Aloe”

Leaving my estate to my father made him my heir, a parent

Number systems keep wait under control

A urinal cake is a piscuit 

Cheap beer is Nickelob 

The Stoned Age began with the discovery of fire and weed

There is no ‘i’ in ‘denial’

That new book on black holes really drew me in

Beaver suburbs are out in the sticks

Cheese makers work around about whey 

Cowboys should be upholstered with their guns 

The economy is expanding as the people supporting it are shrinking

It takes two people to make one angry

Talented pirates fly the Skill and Crossbones

The Catholic church accepts donations through papal

An army dentist is a drill sergeant

Too much illness discussion makes for a talk sick environment 

With butterflies, fluttery will get you everywhere

June weddings come in bridal waves

I’m the worst person in the world at avoiding hyperbole

Freud was the Wizard of Ids

Snake towels are labeled Hers and Hiss

Ghostly boomerangs come back to haunt you

My medical book had its appendix removed

Where are the inskirts of town?

Your argument is sound.  Just sound

We asked three experts, “What do you think of frogweet?” And they all said the same thing – “What?”

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

Things spring to life, but not to death

Curling irons offer permanent solutions to hairy problems

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

Zoo veterinarians discuss the elephant in the womb

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

An econoclast tears down beliefs cheaply 

At some record stores, all sales are vinyl 

My new $100 belt doesn’t fit – huge waist

The military police chief is the Searchin’ General 

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

When I don’t know what to buy at the store, I’m listless

Prison libraries have prose and cons

Prison entrepreneurs are sell mates

Bad poets commit rhymes against humanity

Music videos are full of JLo shots

The flat-Earther traveler eventually came around

Good golf greens are for the birdies 

Fear of everything is multiple scareosis

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

Don’t believe that cleaner.  It Lysol the time

Noel Coward is afraid of Christmas

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

Magicians are super dupers

A series of coincidences is also a coincidence of series

Garfield’s favorite movie is Catsablanca

Curbside pickup is different for dog owners 

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

Oblivia – the Goddess of Unawareness

Yoga studio name – Bend Back and Beyond

I was unsuited to become a nudist

Swedish dogs bjark

Amazement is a brush with the awe

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

The starving artist drew only the salary he drew

A prison is also a guardin’ center

When AI systems start reproducing, will they come from a computerus?

Arsonists get lighter sentences

Computer nerds believe in an AI for an AI and a truth for a truth

I put on the flimsy gown in the hospital and everyone said “ICU”

In barber college, cutting class is essential

My New Year’s Resolution this year? 300 dpi

Is a person who’s a below average bore interesting?

Cave doors had a Stonehinge

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

A mobile hamburger joint is a porta-patty

She loved Christmas so much, she merried it 

Headline – Russian Trio to Rule France
Subtext – Paris Troika

I dropped my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal and cried over spelt milk

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

Law of dirt conservation – cleaning one thing dirties another

Salivary glands are very secretive

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

Cancer doctors are oncallogists

A stitch in time saves nine WHAT?

After I ate only salads, my bowel movements became highly arugula

British bathrooms are occupied by loo tenants

An Italian slum is a spaghetto

If at first you don’t succeed, try rebooting

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

Lumber mills have board meetings

Kids get coronavirus on the plague grounds

Santa keeps clothes in his Clauset

I like Santa – 1) visits once per year; 2) doesn’t overstay his welcome; 3) leaves you richer after he’s gone

Indoor plumbing gave Napoleon his water loo

Procrastinators are wait watchers

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

When asked why my flooring business failed, I said it was futile

When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve

My overweight cat is a tubby

Sweet Caroine – Sung by Noel Diamond

Real eyes realize real lies

Dazed football players get whamnesia

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

You can catch Sisyphus from a boulder

Headline – Televangelist Preaches to Prostitute
Subtext – Sermon on the Mount

He’s so lazy, all he does is exersighs

Ghosts wear ghoulashes 

The tailor of a tycoon’s kid is an heir dresser

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

Airplanes need hanger management 

Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

Wisdom is knowing the difference between driving women mad and making women mad

Getting syrup from maples requires phlebotany

He who hesitates is buffering

Dorothy’s dog’s shadow made a Toto eclipse of the sun

My film about the metric system lacks footage

When you lose a Zoom connection, you must re-Zoom

Getting sick in America means dealing with hellth care

Chronic fibbers have liabetes

When beavers sleep, they gnawed off

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’

The door carpenter is a peep hole person

A punny for your thoughts

Christmas trees believe in lights after death

Deer are clearly misnamed

Old Navy opens early and clothes late

My jokes are like vaccines – not everyone gets them

If there is safety in numbers, why are there letters in safety?

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

I couldn’t define ‘inconsequential’ but later realized it wasn’t important

Meat thieves are choplifters 

Voyeurs are high on stareoids

A vampire joke is a vein attempt at humor 

When Hugh Hefner died, they gave him lust rites

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Interior designers are roomatologists

The skinny bull never knew his fodder

Zombies are now an endangered species due to depleted food sources

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

You can lead idiots to data, but you can’t make them think

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

If everyone gambled, the world would be a bettor place

Referees are fight attendants

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Go With the Wind – Advice to a guy urinating in the woods

Every cloud has a server lining

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Trains find it hard to express themselves

Do-it-yourself electronics store – Ohm Depot

The streaker gave his friend a bare hug

He was so illiterate, he prostated himself

It rains so much in Oregon, bell ringers work for the Salvation Navy

Dieters wish food didn’t go to waist

Extraterrestrial painters say “Take me to your ladder”

Ponzi was a pyramid Earther

A false prophet – Impostradamus

The pitcher came from a pour family

Does abstinence makes the church grow fondlers?

Do liars get sent to court forgery duty?

Hamburger is made from the ground up

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

Paper shreaders are tearists

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

The last letter of Noel – Ironic?

Ear worm protection involves heard immunity

The Chicken Little story has many layers

As useless as the second ’s’ in Arkansas

As overshadowed as a Swiss Navy knife

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

‘R’ is a ringleader

Mongolia had its pros and Khans

The optometry school’s football team is the Fighting Iris

Fractions are a division of math