One Liner

New disease infecting cows – Bovid-19

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Kids who go to numerous churches see lots of premarital sects

When slurring words after a beer, you have a yeast inflection

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Why anyone would have two spouses is a bigamystery 

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

Inuit Valentine – “I only have ice for you”

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

Canada isn’t real.  It’s only mapleleaf

Curbside pickup is different for dog owners 

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

New insect repellant – All Pest Off

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis

The best ones at being lazy get atrophy

Barbers are shearholders

Female shepherds are Little Bo People

Suave salmon are sofishticated

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

Charles Schulz’s auto is in the shop for cartooning

Little piles of rubbish are dumplings

Constipation is diabowelical

For some, marijuana treatments are a medi-sin

I Concord my fear of grapes

A toothless butler is an undentured servant

He’s so lazy, all he does is exersighs

Prison libraries have prose and cons

Voyeurs are high on stareoids

The ark guy and family were Noah, et als

Puppeteers are part of the digital economy

With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y harm

If pedestrians had wings, they wouldn’t need to get run over to get them

A crazy crow is a raven maniac

Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

No good meme goes un-published

On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you like questions asking you to rate things from 1 to 10?

Muvon – something to get when you’ve been sitting too long

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

My driver’s training class on avoiding accidents was a crash course 

The leak that sank the ship came out of the cloud

Under table footsie is just play toe

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

The fool’s kiss worked because the kiss fooled her

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

My new scarecrow is a no-brainer 

Writing “Walla Walla” is stereotyping

The starving artist drew only the salary he drew

Visine = sore eye assist

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

After the coffin accident there was a rehearsal

When it comes to Egyptian ruins, I like to pyramid them

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

Cave doors had a Stonehinge

Headline – War Protesters Adopt French Strategy
Subtext – Peace de Resistance

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Boxing in Helsinki is a fight to the Finnish

Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

He suffered from male pattern bluntness

Improvise – what you have to do when you can’t find your vise

Patron saint for humor = St. Francis of a Hee Hee

Cowboys should be upholstered with their guns 

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

In a universe with free will, the present determines the future. In a predestined universe, the future determines the present

In that UCLA guy, I see trouble, a Bruin

Cheese makers work around about whey 

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

When my foot goes to sleep, it is coma toes

Absolutes are never true

My underground gold fortune is all mine 

Bus boys are dish jockeys

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

Chronic fibbers have liabetes

Pessimistic entomologists collect katydidn’ts

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts

How come I never see anyone at self-storage places?

The old protestor’s youth was just a dissident memory

Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

Tolkien’s writing was hobbit forming

What a contract giveth, the fine print taketh away

English major’s breakfast – eggs over easily 

The formula for holy water – H2OMG

Cheap beer is Nickelob 

The weight-lifting lawyer has the power of attorney

Paper shreaders are tearists

Metamucil should change its name to Facebookmucil

Microwave – what kids do when Aunt Bad Breath leaves

Depends is part of the wetness protection program 

Procrastinators are wait watchers

I wanted to find something I liked about the haunted house, but nothing jumped out at me

Braggers put their feats in their mouth

Quadruplets are four crying out loud

We asked three experts, “What do you think of frogweet?” And they all said the same thing – “What?”

Pain is unBayerable without aspirin 

Do pennies from heaven mean change is in the air?

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

I’m aFreud of my mother

The best pickle was the dill of the century 

Police are blue color workers

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

When I don’t know what to buy at the store, I’m listless

Penis envy is a euphamhism

The vegetable choir sang in perfect hominey

Does digging music turn you into a sound burier?

Dracula is looking for his necks victim

T-Rex shopped at Dinos-R-Us

Mermaids are ladies in wading

Our water polio team loses every game it plays

In the cruise business, ship happens

When asked why my flooring business failed, I said it was futile

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

A series of coincidences is also a coincidence of series

My tic-tacs are in mint condition

Ibuprofanity – what you say when your Advil doesn’t work

The door carpenter is a peep hole person

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

A punny for your thoughts

Thugs are people who quit working for good

Stupid elements are borons

To keep dairy from moving, Tie Cheese

Snake towels are labeled Hers and Hiss

Copyrights are statutes of imitations

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

Bad poets commit rhymes against humanity

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

To send a French “Dear John” letter, you need postage adieu

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

Pig artists work with pen and oink

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

When I dream of pasta, I cannoli imagine 

Is there any other kind of telepathy besides mental?

If at first you don’t succeed, try rebooting

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

With a telepathic abacus, it’s the thought that counts

Our history is a national passed time

The Windows® guy was a real pane

Some clergy are parsonal trainers

Great donut shop name – Amazing Glaze

People who stand too close are nearcissists

Photographers enjoy a lot of cameraderie

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

Bakers believe in flour power

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

I failed my italic writing course by making straight A’s

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

Male chickens in England = rorcesters

Toasting ghosts lifts spirits

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

What happens when you die in the afterlife?

Soda machines are coiniverous

The old grouch likes antisocial media

At the poultry bank, all the chicks are free

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

When it comes to pandemics, we’ve got that COVID 

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

Soil researchers are truly mud scientists

Hair conditioner users are either haves or have knots 

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

Golfers like to putt themselves on pedestals

The wise man got sentenced for myrrhder

Wisdom is knowing the difference between driving women mad and making women mad

When police pulled out all the stops, traffic changed

He thought he was wrong and he was right

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

Catholic photographers are often Canonized

Great name for a wrap group – “Cellophane”

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

Tulsa spelled backwards is “a slut”

String theory is very knotty

People afraid of leading are powerds

For OCDs, plandemonium often breaks out

Experience is not hereditary

I like Santa – 1) visits once per year; 2) doesn’t overstay his welcome; 3) leaves you richer after he’s gone

Weight Watchers’ mantra – Fat Chants

The hair dye shortage will make America grayed again

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Fishermen need angler management classes

Food cooked in a pita pan never gets old