One Liner

The soap thief made a clean getaway

A sand child is a son of a beach 

My harp is all plucked up

Canada isn’t real.  It’s only mapleleaf

The best ones at being lazy get atrophy

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

I’m the worst person in the world at avoiding hyperbole

Tobacco chewers make a lot of spit stops

A citrus a day is a lemon pledge

I dropped my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal and cried over spelt milk

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

In my new job making chess sets, I’m on knights next week

Dogs and Facebookers use posts for the same reason

Why are there no “afternoon people?”

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

In parachute school, you drop out when you graduate

Headline – Guru Hired to Settle Labor Dispute
Subtext – Transcendental Mediation

Absolutes are never true

A closed mouth gathers no foot

With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y harm

Dieters’ theme song – “The Weigh We Were”

A hypnotist is a tranceformer

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

The cucumber played the dill piccolo

Pretzel-making has a happy bending

Catnibus = meowijuana

Until you have kids, that’s a pre-exhausting condition

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

A library is a multi-story building

Headline – Russian Trio to Rule France
Subtext – Paris Troika

A mermaid is a lady in wading

Retirement is not working for me

Meteorologists experience thunder and enlightning

The last letter of Noel – Ironic?

Praying is a form of knee-mail

Time wasters are clock suckers

He was surprisingly bipedal for someone of his intelligence

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

Headline – Religious Dairy Farmers Meet
Subtext – Cheeses, Christ

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers

You can lead idiots to data, but you can’t make them think

Cannibal lions swallow their pride

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

Crafty inmates are put in “You Knit” cells

When Jan got tired of Pixar movies, she threw Up

I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum

Reynolds is good for a wrap session

Workaholics are missing inaction 

He’s so lazy, all he does is exersighs

The optometry school’s football team is the Fighting Iris

The aardvark leads the annual list of animals list

Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork

In cellular math, dividing = multiplying 

Danger ensues when convenience outweighs concern

It is easier to learn from a book than from the rusty razor blade of experience

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply

College is assisted living for young adults 

Sunrise in London produces English li

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

The janitor’s union is calling for sweeping reforms 

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

My back doctor writes in chiroglyphics

It always rains on my umbrella

Working with Animals – What butchers like about their job

Dorothy’s dog’s shadow made a Toto eclipse of the sun

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from

Penis envy is a euphamhism

Shallow people easily get in over their heads

“I see myself in you,” said the man to his son, the mirror

The proper way to marry your mother?  Ask Etiquette Rex

Viagra is marketed to hillbillies as “Mount an’ Do”

The pirate was irate until he had a P

Christmas trees believe in lights after death

In the cruise business, ship happens

Typochondriacs fear mistakes

A crazy crow is a raven maniac

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

Gold diggers have metal telepathy

There are no recipes for leftover chocolate 

Great name for a tree surgeon business – Poplar Mechanics

My computer has the Spamish flu

Box office proceeds are play money

Fear of giants is feefiphobia

When I don’t know what to buy at the store, I’m listless

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Piano recitals leave me sad – too many keys depressed

Circus clowns often socially diss tents

Beauticians offer comb improvement

The stomach medicine thief took KleptoBismol

Negative fortune teller have pessimystic outlooks

Headline – Cuban Leader’s Brother Declared Traitor
Subtext – Infidel Castro

Imagination is beyond the imagination of the unimaginative

Twelve procrastinators comprise a dozen’t

Flags have been raised, according to pole watchers 

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

Rocky was a role with the punches

Old lovers are very romantique

Viking ships were Fjord Explorers

Old shoppers never die, they just sale away

Nothing tops a plain pizza

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s moving up on my list.

Deer are clearly misnamed

A good horror film has cringe benefits

Oxymorons are of increasingly lesser importance

Synesthesiacs have great taste in music

To touch the electrical line, there is a small charge

French gamers use a joie stick

When I accidentally kicked on third down, it was no punt intended

English major’s breakfast – eggs over easily 

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

Lighting flatulence causes turd degree burns

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at

My new scarecrow is a no-brainer 

After I ate only salads, my bowel movements became highly arugula

I was shocked by the difference between a battery of tests and a test of batteries

Embarrassing with indecent language is bawdy shaming

String theory is very knotty

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

Perseid meteors are comet vomit

Chefs are panhandlers

Headline – Massage Parlor Offers Degree
Subtext – Feeled Biology

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Zoo veterinarians discuss the elephant in the womb

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

I feel like the emotional support human of a robot

Isn’t ‘fast food’ an oxymoron?

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

When the avocado truck crashed, there were guackers all around

Procrastinators are wait watchers

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis

All seasons are distinct.  Summer warmer than others

I stuck my finger in a socket and discovered I’m not very shock resistant

He who hesitates is buffering

A gardener is an officer of the lawn

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

Computer nerds believe in an AI for an AI and a truth for a truth

“War and Pence” – two “must avoids”

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

Lumber mills have board meetings

Is there any other kind of telepathy besides mental?

Electronic Scandinavian health service = Swede Care Online

Some balding men still enjoy the fringe benefits

An ex-husband is a wasband

Great name for an eyedrop – Moist Your Eyes

Salivary glands are very secretive

Headline – NHL Markets New Computer Game
Subtext – Puck Man

Electricians like to go with the current

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

Solar panels are daylight robbery

The Head of Military Police is the Searchin’ General

To keep dairy from moving, Tie Cheese

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

The minister was fired for having a bad beatitude

Synchronized swimmers are a splash mob

My dentist is abscessive compulsive

Photographers enjoy a lot of cameraderie

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

The ocean is hard to fathom

In the ocean, love is brined

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

We lose happiness chasing happierness

Interior designers are roomatologists

I buy deer meat from The Merchant of Venison 

If you have an open wardrobe, closet

In Turkey, they have Istanboolian logic

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

Beauty is in the eye of the creator of the compost heap