One Liner

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

When I dream of pasta, I cannoli imagine 

Aged poets like to talk about old rhymes

A false prophet – Impostradamus

Harry and Meghan’s Departure was a Reign Drain

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

Number systems keep wait under control

No good meme goes un-published

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Wayward leaves end up in the gutter

Mooning is to me too much luna, see?

Getting sick in America means dealing with hellth care

I feel like the emotional support human of a robot

Shallow people easily get in over their heads

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

Mongolia had its pros and Khans

The hair dye shortage will make America grayed again

A small psychiatrist is a little stiff

Wonder Woman is a super she-ro

Learning to dance is a two-step process

Too much illness discussion makes for a talk sick environment 

Referees are fight attendants

We lose happiness chasing happierness

What to give someone who has everything – Omnipresents

Gardeners like spring mower and mower

Ghosts wear ghoulashes 

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

Asthma: the wheezin’ for the season 

OSU People – Friends With Bennies

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Computer nerds believe in an AI for an AI and a truth for a truth

Flags have been raised, according to pole watchers 

My wife and I walk aimlessly.  Just meander

Plants answer phones by saying “Aloe”

I couldn’t make my mind up on a new mattress, so I decided to sleep on it

Elephant bathrooms require heavy doody cleaners

Ironing cowboy shirts – howdy pressing

The old woman in the shoe’s boyfriend is her sole mate

Paper shreaders are tearists

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

If pedestrians had wings, they wouldn’t need to get run over to get them

Catnibus = meowijuana

Pilots are plane people

The haunted house door is the startling point for the party

Holes are fixed by the Chief Putty Officer
Sadness is supplied by the Chief Pity Officer
Burgers are cooked by the Chief Patty Officer
Bathrooms cleaned by the Chief Potty Officer
Dogs cared for the by Chief Petty Officer

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it

At my age, when it comes to the prostate, peeing is believing

When the Chinese cook got injured, the doctor said he may never wok again 

Law of dirt conservation – cleaning one thing dirties another

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

Trinogometry – the science of scrambled letter words

He thought he was wrong and he was right

In books, I tend to be a heroine addict

The vegetable choir sang in perfect hominey

Mathematicians at Halloween – “Trig or Treat”

Headline – Cuban Leader’s Brother Declared Traitor
Subtext – Infidel Castro

Beaver suburbs are out in the sticks

Laughing gas is one of the scents of humor

I buy deer meat from The Merchant of Venison 

Honesty is the best policy unless you sell insurance

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

Camping out at Sea World works for all in tents and porpoises

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

Headline – Patrons Adjust to Waiter Strike
Subtext – More Forced Bussing

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

Bingo players have seen it all B4

A stitch in time saves nine WHAT?

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

My driver’s training class on avoiding accidents was a crash course 

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

Dogwood sticks fetch themselves

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

Fear of giants is feefiphobia

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

Zombies are now an endangered species due to depleted food sources

Box office proceeds are play money

As overshadowed as a Swiss Navy knife

Metamucil should change its name to Facebookmucil

People afraid of Christmas are Noel cowards

You can lead idiots to data, but you can’t make them think

Cops are blue color workers 

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts

At the end of the month, many religious college students are Ramen Catholics

I’d do my own taxes, but I’m not Intuit 

Working with Animals – What butchers like about their job

The arsonist got a lighter sentence

The final exam in my weaving class is looming

Time wasters are clock suckers

When Hugh Hefner died, they gave him lust rites

Great donut shop name – Amazing Glaze

Math pain comes from fibromyalgebra 

Equine veterinarians work in horsepitals

Two year olds have a one track “Mine!”

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

A series of coincidences is also a coincidence of series

Sin city = Las Vegas. Den city = mass/volume

The new zoo exhibit is turtley awesome

Socrates didn’t do so well with the Hemlock Maneuver

The military police chief is the Searchin’ General 

Velcro is a ripoff 

The most dangerous position in the Bermuda Philharmonic – triangle player

Headline – Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext – Helmut Cold

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

Cheap beer is Nickelob 

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Does abstinence makes the church grow fondlers?

Pigeons – we’re talking bird banes 

Headline – NHL Markets New Computer Game
Subtext – Puck Man

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

“I see myself in you,” said the man to his son, the mirror

In the cruise business, ship happens

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

Circus clowns often socially diss tents

A centipede shouldn’t put all its legs in one basket

For OCDs, plandemonium often breaks out

Amazement is a brush with the awe

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

People mocking poor people are guilty of insult and bettery

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Indoor plumbing gave Napoleon his water loo

I was hip until the replacement

We are entering the post-era era

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

If the guy who anticipated modern computing saw modern computing, he’d be Turing in his grave

In that UCLA guy, I see trouble, a Bruin

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

Headline – Sperm Bank Opens 3 Years Late
Subtext – Long Time No Seed

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Birds have an egg sit strategy

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts

Fizzics – the only degree offered at Alka Seltzer U

Autocorrect is my biggest enema

In barber college, cutting class is essential

U.S. Scandinavian fests are artificial Swedeners

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

Today’s innovation is tomorrow’s obvious

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Synesthesiacs have great taste in music

My new $100 belt doesn’t fit – huge waist

Spiders and mice make up the eek-o-system

What is Averagecalifragilisticexpialidociousness?

The flat-Earther traveler eventually came around

Negative fortune teller have pessimystic outlooks

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Why are there no “afternoon people?”

Nothing tops a plain pizza

Opera is my aria of expertise 

After a big bowl of chili, I created a work of fart

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

Lechers like belle bottoms

What happens when you die in the afterlife?

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

Fruit scientists publish in pear-reviewed journals

Fisherman’s knives are made to scale

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

Real eyes realize real lies

That web site for free chickens is just cluck bait

Merchants report drones are flying off the shelves 

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

The Stoned Age began with the discovery of fire and weed

Look before you click

Count Guacula sucks at avocados

Meat thieves are choplifters 

Removing references to previous events is a historyectomy

I’ve passed my “best by” date

Great name for an eyedrop – Moist Your Eyes

What do anxious butterflies get in their stomachs?

The lock of hair went out with a bang

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

Allen Ginsberg is a deadbeat poet

The secrets of garden imps are revealed with full gnome sequencing

The pitcher came from a pour family