One Liner

Ants with malaise = Melancolony

Number systems keep wait under control

When a chef dies, mourners say “Recipes”

Impossible Burgers make plants taste like beef.  Cows do that too

Senior citizens old on for dear life

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

Kidney stones are peebles 

Perfect name for a cat – Schrodinger 

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L,’ and then much ‘aughter’

The old woman in the shoe’s boyfriend is her sole mate

The Beach Boys in Africa sang Help Me Rwanda

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

My arrogant uncle has low relative humility

A group of monkeys should be called a ‘barrel”

Macho men are egotesticle

The virus came to the west in Covid wagons 

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

Some clergy are parsonal trainers

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

Depends is part of the wetness protection program 

The Windows® guy was a real pane

Ham soup is an add hock meal

Flightless birds are unflappable

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

What goes up must come down except prices

My bank account is suffering from cashtration

Music videos are full of JLo shots

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

A prison is also a guardin’ center

Drummers are very cymbal minded

The devil is in the denials

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

My cow’s phone has a mooed ring 

Where there’s smoke, there’s lung cancer

Good golf greens are for the birdies 

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Golfers like to putt themselves on pedestals

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

Praying is a form of knee-mail

An Australian paradox is a conundrum from down undrum

Zombies are now an endangered species due to depleted food sources

I think of Frank Zappa whenever I microwave a hotdog

Living forever is the same as dying forever

I buy pickles from a local dillership

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

Shouldn’t drug store helpers be called Pharmacistants? 

Headline – Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext – Little Prairie on the House

I couldn’t make my mind up on a new mattress, so I decided to sleep on it

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

The spelling bee was lost due to a bad spell of whether

Chefs are panhandlers

I lactose genes for digesting milk

Allen Ginsberg is a deadbeat poet

HIV in the ocean causes mermaids

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it

Dogs and Facebookers use posts for the same reason

Marriage has a nice ring to it

In the ocean, love is brined

Best ethnic food in a pandemic – Togo

Angry hippies get incensed

What happens when you die in the afterlife?

People trade corn futures on the stalk market

What does ACRONYM stand for?

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

I have a big food fatish

Placebos are transcendental medications

I buy deer meat from The Merchant of Venison 

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Archaeologists make ground-breaking discoveries

Viking pharmacists practiced pillaging

When the airline gave away free perks, customers lined up for miles

It isn’t always an earthquake when ground shakes beneath you

Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Thomas Jefferson got a taste of his own Madison

Egyptian writing is Cairoglyphics

That new book on black holes really drew me in

Salivary glands are very secretive

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

Kids get coronavirus on the plague grounds

Multi-story shopping malls are sell towers 

Human evolution was caused by primate change

The guy who got cut by broken window filed a glass action lawsuit

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

A children’s author is a kiddie litter

Beaver suburbs are out in the sticks

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

In politics, everyone is a promising candidate

All seasons are distinct.  Summer warmer than others

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

Kids who go to many churches see a lot of premarital sects

Great name for an eyedrop – Moist Your Eyes

Chocoholics are cocoa nuts

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

Dishonest electricians commit wire fraud

With a telepathic abacus, it’s the thought that counts

When Apollo 13 failed to land on the moon, they sent Apollogies 

Math pain comes from fibromyalgebra 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s moving up on my list.

Santa keeps clothes in his Clauset

Holes are fixed by the Chief Putty Officer
Sadness is supplied by the Chief Pity Officer
Burgers are cooked by the Chief Patty Officer
Bathrooms cleaned by the Chief Potty Officer
Dogs cared for the by Chief Petty Officer

A calendar’s days are numbered

If everyone gambled, the world would be a bettor place

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

In my new job making chess sets, I’m on knights next week

A horror movie has cringe benefits

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply

Lumber mills have board meetings

String theory is very knotty

An Italian slum is a spaghetto

Cancer doctors are oncallogists

Income tax time involves the Declaration of Dependents 

Fencing people have a lot touché

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

Muvon – something to get when you’ve been sitting too long

Dancing cheek to cheek is floor play

Tankers are big floatocean devices

Atheists have no invisible means of support

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

Lumberjacks have don’t have many chopping days til Christmas

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

The aardvark leads the annual list of animals list

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

The wine-drinking puppet was known as Pinot-cchio 

Citrus fruits learn their lessons at A Lemon Tree School

Reynolds is good for a wrap session

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

The animal science singles bar is good for meating

Funny straight lines run parallol

Headline – Weird Music Disturbs Germans
Subtext – Unnerving Berlin

Bad magicians get disillusioned

My sister’s talkative husband is my blather in law 

Trinogometry – the science of scrambled letter words

My hamburger business got started from the ground up

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

The best pickle was the dill of the century 

The Stoned Age began with the discovery of fire and weed

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

A urinal cake is a piscuit 

Gold diggers have metal telepathy

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

When human cannonballs get fired, they have a job

Hyper people get by with a little help from their frenzy

Lechers like belle bottoms

Idaho highways have a spud limit

He’s so lazy, all he does is exersighs

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts

Honesty is the best policy unless you sell insurance

Laying an egg means giving birdth

Pain is unBayerable without aspirin 

Beauticians offer comb improvement

Two familiar quotations are known as a Bartlett pair 

Mathematicians at Halloween – “Trig or Treat”

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Female shepherds are Little Bo People

Using old Macintosh fonts is a Geneva convention 

Danger ensues when convenience outweighs concern

After the coffin accident there was a rehearsal

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

Look before you click

Small black birds have crowing pains 

Respiratory therapy clinics are breathing grounds for pneumonia sufferers

Free advice is worth every penny

At the poultry bank, all the chicks are free

Fisherman’s knives are made to scale

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget