Limericks

I’d like to have it duly noted
To this I am truly devoted
The one request I
Have after I die
Is simply to be drawn and quoted

A geek doing coding in Guam
Encountered an odd software bomb
When he emptied the trash
He heard a big crash
And got sent to kingdom dot com

When your baby was born, it is true
It was a real big ballyhoo
But don’t agonize
There was no surprise
We all knew you had it in you

For comics, the truth is well known
From France to Sierra Leone
It isn’t the timing
Or even the rhyming
A pun’s at its best when full groan

The ship builders all were aloof
And for this I can give you some proof
They did not calculate
The height of their freight
Sending all of their sails through the roof

A surrogate mother in Trent
Wasn’t clear when she said what she meant
There aren’t any keys
Or u-tilities
Cuz her “place” is just one womb for rent

I said to my charming young wife
I’m wracked with obesity strife
I dread the details
That comes from the scales
My dieting’s one weigh of life

After drinking two bottles of beer
Tom busted a window out here
And got in his ass
Every piece of the glass
Now he’s got a pane in the rear

Please don’t tell me I am a dope
Or that I have no way to cope
When I ask how it’s true
You Flat Earthers you
“Have members all over the globe?”

That animal with horns I should note
Climbing up that steep hill quite remote
Just says with a shrug
“I know I am smug”
He must be a real mountain gloat

I heard from a very smart guy
A statement he said he’d stand by
Said the old ABCs
Lacked a letter before Zs
The reason? Nobody knew y

I asked at the farm, all aflutter
Of the farmer out churning the butter
Why a milking stool, see
Has legs just of three
He said that the cow has the udder

I confess I am feeling a louse
And not only me, so’s my spouse
We told our young son
To halt scooter fun
So he went and he moped ‘round the house

I do not think it was happenstance
That made the new gardener dance
It seems that the yield
Improved in his field
He’s so happy he’s wetting his plants

It’s with sorrow I send you this note
The repairmen has said and I quote,
The TV’s in danger
With no channel changer
It’s recovery chance is remote

That cow out there chewing a weed
Makes emissions most foul, indeed
Please detox her “air”
And for this I declare
A cattle-lytic converter you’ll need

The German machine started drumming
When Hitler began his nose thumbing
So many would die
We ask why oh why
Did Europe Nazi what was coming?

I think that I might have a curse
That’s taking a turn for the worse
Whene’er I arise
And open my eyes
I go straight from bed to verse

That leftover seems to lack zen
Left alone on a plate in the den
He hoped he’d be eaten
But the fridge he’ll be meetin’
It looks like he’ll be foiled again

A medical student named Liz
Studied hard for a urine-based quiz
When asked how did she
Understand all the pee
She replied that it just was a whiz

A promising scientist Clem
Gave advice like this chemistry gem
“Reactions enlarge”
“On changing the charge”
“So you must keep an ion them”

That amphibian there by the hole
Has virtues I’d like to extol
He’s rather mature
And Polish, I’m sure
Because he is just a tadpole

The chimney sweep makes lots of loot
For his work inside each chimney chute
Most folks are impressed
At the way he is dressed
He’s always got on a new soot

No doubt he is just a bit dippy
That guy with the hair who’s a hippy
I know it is true
Cuz he murmured to you
That his wife has the name Mississippi

Said the real estate agent named Kotter
To the banker’s most lovely young daughter,
“My love is insane
Please marry me Jane
You know that I’ve got lots to offer”

It’s with some difficulty I say
My masseuse must have had a bad day
I’m making this point
My neck’s out of joint
Because she rubbed me the wrong way

That guy sitting under the cedar
Is my English professor named Peter
Old poetry he knows
It certainly shows
Cuz he is a real Ovid reader

A telegrapher’s feelings outflowed
Sad expressions he had to unload
But now it’s complete
In an unusual tweet
His regrets were sent in remorse code

It seems Mr. Perkins has passed
Leaving all of his classmates aghast
He acted the jerk
Never doing the work
An attitude truly half-vast
(say this one out loud to “get it”)

The caveman who started it all
Started walking, no longer to crawl
He went everywhere
And so we declare
That guy was a meanderthal

I’m sorry to share this sad news
Coming to us from old Santa Cruz
It seems there’s no more
In their liquor store
Cuz a ghost’s stolen all of the boos

Consider Professor McPeep
Whose lectures are certainly deep
He’s rather dismayed
Because he gets paid
To talk in another one’s sleep

A gopher is now loudly squealing
About the emotion he’s feeling
In his work, this live wire
Can’t rise any higher
Because he has hit the grass ceiling

When the car was invented, one boater
Got a whiff of the smell from the motor
And exclaimed, “It is true”
“This stinks bad, P-U”
“They’ve created a whole new world odor”

It’s odd if you ever should choose
To hear lions expressing their views
So how do these kings
Stay on top of all things?
By just keeping up with the gnus

Rest assured I am telling you straight
Japanese ‘toons are really first rate
You can trace their descent
From their government
Making them animes of the state

The ketchup was stuck in there tight
So I peaked in the bottle all right
Alas it poured out
Filled my eyeball throughout
Not a good idea, in Heinzsight

In old Salem one man it would seem
Had a way to advance most extreme
He cooked up a plan
For enforcing the ban
By employing his own get witch scheme

Go weep for the sad mademoiselle
Who’s unhappy, I’m sure you can tell
The giving birth hurdle
Is sad, she’s infertile
And it’s not going ova so well

When the oldest town grouch took his leave
From this life on the last Christmas Eve
There was sadness but yet
No one got upset
They found it so hard to bereave

Among the ghosts there is a schism
Over church or to have atheism
There’s one tiny sect
You know of, I suspect
It goes by the name of boo dism

At the car wash the workers will say
A phrase to begin every day
It is a bit odd
But not about God
When they bow and recite “let us spray”

The rendering plant foreman, Whitey
Worked so hard on a job overnight he
Did not even take
A single rest break
‘Cuz he worshipped the lard almighty

When I went out and planted that pear
At the seed I just had to stare
Cuz I heard in the ground
That botanists found
There is a root awakening there

A Spanish magician named Chase
Has a trick that he does every place
He will count, “Uno, dos”
Cutely wiggle his nose
And then disappear with no tres

The judge described one situation
Of stalking based on a fixation
To help Mrs Yoder
With a restraining order
He made one decree of separation

Two billboards out near the boutique
Project quite a bit of mystique
Neither one speaks a word
But that’s not absurd
Cuz it’s in sign language they speak

In the igloo, he covered a cough
His fingers were nearly froze off
The brave sci-fi man
Is truly a fan
Sitting there freezing his Asimov

There is, said my ocean connection
A bump on the mermaid’s midsection
The lady was wild
And now is with child
I wonder if she’ll have a sea section?

That guy at the playground seesaw
Has sure got an odd kind of flaw
With no kids of his own
Maybe he’d like a loan
A childless guy is a faux pa

All stoners should now plan to come
To Frisco where they can get some
Buds and shout out
The good news about
California’s reeferendum

The issue, according to Max is
Mathematical anaphylaxis
I just have to laugh
At his girlfriend graph
Which has an ex and a why axis

The pooch sitting there on the floor
Is quite talented, friendly and more
I think that my pet’ll
Be good molding metal
Cuz he’s made a bolt for the door

With the grass growing fast near the sewer
The homeowner sought out a chewer
It’s now all in hand
A cow’s in command
An efficiently acting lawn mooer

The science researcher will whine
At his data darn near every time
When it comes to a graph
There’s no cause to laugh
Wherever should he draw the line?

In orbit high over the seas
Was an astronaut feeling unease
The weightlessness bit
Was making him sick
So NASA gave him Apollo G’s

That auto repair shop makes sense
In claims it makes, for all intents
With letters quite bold
Their story is told
“Will You Please Let Us Have the Next Dents?”

It is true from Chicago to Flanders
That at shop windows everyone ganders
They see what’s the trend
Without having to spend
Each one is an innocent buy-stander

The egg company’s many naysayers
Complain that they’re overpayers
The problem, you see
Bureaucratically
The group just has too many layers

At the pie throwing contest last week
A chef found a girl quite unique
Hoping he would impress
This girl in the dress
He gave her a quiche on the cheek

I said to the old Mr. Tweedy
I’d split with his niece rather speedy
She’s a mover and shaker
And quite the breadmaker
Too bad she was overly kneady

If a chemist’s upset, my belief
Is acetylene’s the cause – I’ll be brief
The prob corresponds
To odd triple bonds
Which always cause alkynes of grief

It is certain old Noah did strive
To keep every animal alive
His great expertise
With wee honey bees
Meant he stored them inside his ark hive

At the fabric store there was a guy
Who stole many things by and by
They caught him one day
And locked him away
And a material witness was I

A fish found that sounds seemed to fade
Leaving him feeling very dismayed
So he’ll see his doc
At seven o’clock
To get fitted for a herring aid

Helicoptering mothers are ones
In whom an obsessive trait runs
They have the condition
Of Aztec religion
The case where they’re worshipping sons

“We think it’s worth raising this fuss”
Said the kids of the grapes on the bus
“We’ve turned out all right”
“Thanks to your guiding light”
“And so we say thanks for raisin us”

When headaches got bad, the sea urchin
Began doing medical searchin’
To improve, he’d advise
Dialing up several guys
Who come from a school of brain sturgeons

The silver prospector would whine
When some thieves crossed over the line
And made it their biz
To steal what was his
They sure took a lode off his mine

Statisticians have noted it seems
Data’s better without the extremes
They sit and conspire
Tossing out the outliers
Losing ends to so justify means

My acupuncturist smoking a joint
Wastes my time when she tries to anoint
Me with her ideas
Of veggie tortillas
I wish she would get to the point

The Chinese philosopher Ben
Corrected a man once again
It’s not communism
But rather Buddhism
There’s a difference between Mao and zen

The dry cleaner’s income enlarges
From a judge whom he oft overcharges
To take out the wrinkles
There’s an iron that sprinkles
But for that he adds on pressing charges

At the diner, the old Mr. Sutter
On getting his food had to mutter
“I do not know why”
“My food is so dry”
They told him that things will get butter

In the sea it can get quite complex
Tracking down the partic’lars of sex
If an eight-legged guy
Likes his mom on the sly
Should they call him an octopus Rex?

It was said to be rather breathtaking
And was a huge kind of groundbreaking
When the Goliath guy died
Got buried – none cried
‘Twas quite a giant undertaking

My humor is not very deep
So I hope this one isn’t too cheap
But a license I saw
Simply said “BAA BAA”
Appropriately on a black jeep

Oh yes, Robin Hood understood
Giving money to poor was quite good
Would he like to be stealthy
With Nottingham’s wealthy?
The simple reply was “Sherwood”

French cookers I find quite aloof
And the way they make omelets is proof
When I tell these folks
“Make mine with three yolks”
They say that one egg is un ouef

Remember when you take the call
A donation, no matter how small
Helps a kid stay in school
And it goes, as a rule
To the neediest ones of them all

My friend is a teen-age Tunisian
Whose skin has an oily secretion
You see that his dimples
Are turning to pimples
Each one is a new foreign lesion

The janitor working away
Doesn’t care what his boss has to say
He hasn’t a worry
Is not in a hurry
And gets to sweep late every day

The queen bee has made a large bet
Her four worker bees will be set
For making some money
With their brand new honey
Oh they are a great sting quartet

At Halloween, dressed as MacBeth
I went trick or treating with Seth
The weirdest things, man?
Those ghosts in a can
Which just might scare-us-ol to death

A daring med student, Ms Bui
Wants to have one more limerick from me
Hmm, what should I say?
It’s past her birthday
And she no longer is twenty thwee

A geographer says it’s not fair
To blame him for something so rare
It seems there’s a flap
O’er a prob on his map
A small topographical error

A gas pump attendant named Bruce
Gave me some advice I can use
He said that good gas
Will move my car fast
I need to get that V8 juice

The driver of the taxi, my my
Was certainly one chatty guy
To the things he said
I just shook my head
Cuz a cabtive audience was I

The one-legged hitchhiking Finn
Had trouble suppressing a grin
When the generous driver
The old man MacGyver
Just said to him, “Come on and hop in”

In the forest you should be aware
Flexibility’s exceedingly rare
You’d be surprised catching
Any wildlife out stretching
Except for a few yoga bears

I asked of the lady called Madge
If there was some kind of a catch
To get a big scar
In the shape of a star
She said that you just start from scratch

At Christmas I’m wondering why
There isn’t a larger outcry
Of holiday fears
As the big day nears
For santaclaustrophia guys

A woman was fixing a ham
For a grower of tubers named Sam
He spoke from his heart
A phrase from Descartes
“Because I think, therefore I yam”

In the desert the builder works hard
Making houses and beautiful yards
I hope that he knows
They’ll need H two Ohs
So I sent him a get well soon card

There once was a puddle of water
That was found in the woods by an otter
Who went for a swim
Then began sinking in
She forgot what her swimming coach taught her

I said to my lady friend Lisa
I think I will get a new Visa
So that I can roam
Quite far from my home
In fact, I am leaning towards Pisa

A clockmaker out in Berlin
At the factory is a has-been
He worked really hard
But now has been barred
For putting too many hours in

You wouldn’t believe the costume
On view in the ultra-sound room
The fetus – not bare
Has on underwear
It looks like it’s Fruit of the Womb

In the place where the gardener plays
He tripped in a plant sowing haze
He scattered his seed
Among random weeds
Now works in wisteria’s maze

At the surgeons’ ball I just grinned
Thinking how all the dancing had been
There could be no romancing
Amongst all the dancing
Because everyone would cut in

A tomato was broken in haste
And worried he might be replaced
Although very scared
He’s now been repaired
Thanks to some good tomato paste

In their racing the two silk worm guys
Gave it all with an old college try
The results in the end
Did their future portend
Since they both ended up in a tie

It’s time for a standing ovation
The witch has a full education
And thanks all her buddies
Who helped with the studies
She just passed her hexamination

Henry Ford wins the prize, but of course
For breaking a rule some endorse
His particular zeal
For automobiles
Was why he put cars ‘fore the horse

The band leader old Mr. Lehrer
Said mis-stepping creates a small terror
For averting collision
They practiced precision
Within a small marchin’ of error

A really old man, Mr. Levy
In the driver’s seat of his big Chevy
Says he brings shamrocks
To all of his talks
Cuz real rocks are just too darned heavy

I’m sorry the plant lover Jenny
Is down to her very last last penny
Her love for the plants is
Undone by finances
And that’s why she hasn’t botany

Geology students bemoan
Exams with a very loud groan
The grading is picky
The questions are tricky
And answers are written in stone

Their wedding in heaven was made
Like suits in a card game they played
‘Twas great at the start
One diamond, two hearts
At the end it was clubs and a spade

At a clothing exchange in Macao
An Indian woman showed how
She truly impresses
Swapping everyone’s dresses
What’s not certain is whose sari now?

Captain Cook in the land of Belize
Took some classes to gain expertise
His learning was poor
He’s not there anymore
Because he just made seven C’s

Forget all the bacon and cheese
In attempting to bake and to please
For a vegetarian who’s
A pacifist too
Just cook up some hominy and peas

It can’t be described as nutritious
And the claims seem mostly fictitious
So I almost choke
When someone says Coke
Is something that is sodalicious

The perfumist creating incense
Keeps an eye on his products’ expense
Here’s one rule of thumb
The profits come from
Just minding the dollars and scents

I said to my good friend Maria
“Please listen to this new idea”
“Employment in Seoul”
“Could be a new role”
“That’s really good for your Korea”

The muffler this time’s really lost it
So mad that he truly is frosted
He’s tried counting sheep
To help fall asleep
But wakes up each morning exhausted

With a work load way up past his ears
The woodworker stripped all his gears
He began to feel ill
Then sat on a drill
And it seems to have bored him to tears

At the store, the orange squeezing bruisers
Consider the sacking crew losers
Perhaps it is cruel
There’s an unwritten rule
That says baggers cannot be juicers

The lifeguard and hippie named Stan
Got fired cuz he had a bad plan
See, he made no motion
Toward struggle in the ocean
Cuz it was just “too far out man”

A game hunter out on a hunt
Did not mean to be quite so blunt
When asked to confirm
He liked pachyderms
He said said it was irrelephant

In the shower, my good buddy Don
Is getting a bit more withdrawn
Each time he gets stripped
To clean up a bit
The faucets they all get turned on

It’s said to be truly the case
That a waterbed shop is a space
Where some people cry
And fear they might die
Cuz it’s a vinyl resting place

OK, I will cut to the chase
Right here in this limerick space
Gotta say, that it’s fun
Coming up with cow puns
Cuz they keep steering me in the face

Philosophers consider it great
The optometrist’s zen mental state
It’s not a surprise
That they all advise
Get up early, work hard, and dilate

No surprise that my buddies all gawked
As I hosed down that toaster and talked
I know now I goofed
It was not water-proofed
So needless to say I was shocked

My rather odd buddy named Norm
Acts strange when it gets rather warm
On the beach in the sand
Digging deep with his hand
He seeks out the clam ‘fore the storm

The old gentleman took in stride
What the archiving man had implied
The claim was old gramps
Was stealing his stamps
A charge that was philately denied

Marie Antoinette was quite lax
So the public made her face the facts
Her biggest mistake
Was speaking of cake
And for that they just gave her the ax

A limerick writer can shatter
Perceptions and give rise to chatter
If my verse makes you groan
I’m right in the zone
It’s one place where sighs really matter

While eating a chocolate entree
The lass showed mysterious dismay
This secretive one
Hides it from everyone
So if you ask Hershey® won’t say

An energy economist’s line
In an energy crisis is prime
He says don’t think you’ll
Be able to fuel
All the people all of the time

I look at that fellow and sigh
He’s high strung – I think I know why
The name’s Mr. Von
He comes from Taiwan
A Taipei personality guy

The bone specialist felt rather thwarted
Beginning his practice whole hearted
When none came his way
He stood up to say
“I just need a break to get started”

All hybrid car owners adore it
Its success has been most meteoric
That Toyota car
Has gone very far
Its history? Quite Priustoric

A TV programmer named Milam
Took his team to a place near the highlands
So they’re situated
And quite isolated
Working hard on a big remote island

As I sat with my friend drinking beer
The sad state of music was clear
We both had to frown
Because in this town
There’s Little Rock and roll around here

That crow always seems without pause
To be exercising his jaws
The source of complaining
Is sometimes quite draining
But he never complains without caws

Stepping in from the cold, I just sighed
My vision had changed from outside
The glasses in fog
Sure left me agog
You see I was quite mist-ified

At the pen, they reported some news
Of surprisingly colorful views
A small piece of glass
Reflected en masse
Creating some Folsom prism blues

In cutting our budget the trail blazer
Blamed it all of the business appraiser
It seemed he went nuts
With those big budget cuts
By using a real fund razor

The amphibian numbers today
Keep shrinking biologists say
Now some are remarking
Their very bad parking
Is the reason they got toad away

I guess it is all cut and dried
The facts, they cannot be denied
That seamstress’ reaction
Arose from distraction
Cuz she was sew preoccupied

Wee fishes should not lose much sleep
Or take any time out to weep
About the chinooks
Renowned for their looks
Cuz beauty is only fin deep

A watchmaker got in a bind
The stresses made him almost blind
I hope the occasion
Of a two week vacation
Will give him some time to unwind

The Icelander down at the bay
Was sad – no blubber buffet
Then he heard someone sing
This song in the spring
It goes, “Whale meat again one day”

My dermatologist’s some kind of whiz
Skin blemishes bring in the biz
She says to be sure
There’s no kind of cure
And doesn’t make rash promises

It’s election time now, so you see
Politicians work crowds eagerly
They loudly proclaim,
“When you see my name”
“Put an Exxon® the ballot for me”

I went to the wig shop today
To get a hairpiece, by the way
I found what I sought
A cheap one I bought
It was such a small price toupée

The wolf on a late evening prowl
Looked up with his face in a scowl
You see, it is spring
But he doesn’t sing
The reason? He doesn’t know howl

I made a mistake, I can see
With that lady who’s known as Marie
I misplaced in her palm
Superglue for lip balm
So now she’s not speaking to me

The watchmaker earning his dime
Told his wife on the phone “Honey I’m
Gonna be rather late
Could be half past eight.”
As he continued his work over time

The cable guy felt quite impelled
In the wedding his wife and he held
To get all things right
He would work overnight
Making sure the reception excelled

The car dealer there at his station
Is balancing sales with elation
He works with pizzazz
Because this guy has
Excellent Hyundai coordination

I heard from a gentleman Michael
Who just told me that a bad bike’ll
Be colliding with you
Several times ‘fore its through
Because it is one vicious cycle

Up north, there is one thing I know
It’s something I heard long ago
To make, it is said
Canadian bread
You must use a bit of Trudeau

Some Chinese take-out in a bowl
I spilled on a carving, you know
Of native American sons
I don’t know which ones
It was lo mein on the totem pole

At a hundred a pop up in Guelph
A bottle sits up on a shelf
I don’t go insane
For fancy champagne
But it’s in a glass by itself

A flower arranger Louise
Ran away to the woods of Belize
When they went where she fled
The search party said
They can’t see the florist for the trees

An IRS agent named Delph
Found an error and flew off to Guelph
The reason for fleeing
Was he was foreseeing
A need for collecting himself

The sheep that was cloned had a laugh
Promoted ahead of a calf
She arose from the ranks
And gave them all thanks
Old Dolly’s the farm’s sheep of staff

The circus while in Louisville
Is certainly headed downhill
Cuz everyone cried
Their favorite clown died
And he left some big shoes to fill

Near a wall was security blocking
A site to which people were flocking
That’s where Mr. Dumpty
Who calls himself Humpty
Received the severest shell shocking

Each time that his ship glug a lugs
Mr. Scott’s called to fix up its bugs
OId Scottie is wise
On the ship Enterprise
He knows how to change the Spock plugs

The watching of whales I adore
Whenever I go to the shore
But I fear that in time
If their numbers decline
I won’t have a porpoise anymore

I know it’s the right time to goad her
For smells coming out of her motor
Two letters will do
You know them – P-U
They’re in alphabetical odor

At the game the Brooklyner picked
Concession food fried on a stick
Half way through it was raw
He proclaimed as he saw
“Wendy’s® is over I think I’ll be sick”

The optometrist has a punch line
That he gives at the drop of a dime
Whenever he’s greeted
He’ll start to repeat it
It gets cornea all of the time

The amphibian spoke in a code
Uttering dashes and dots in the road
Although it appeared
To be rather weird
Turns out he was just a Morse toad

One zombie I know, quite refined
Confessed to me he’s in a bind
He said o’er a drink
That he couldn’t think
So I gave him a piece of my mind

One time when I lived in Madrid
I worked as a trainer amid
Some folks who were brawny
But I was real scrawny
So I gave too weak notice I did

Near the factory the man had to state
Squeezing oranges was one big mistake
He’s all so annoyed
And most unemployed
Because he could not concentrate

The great violinist has earned
Top reviews from all critics concerned
Reviewers abound
Who love Isaac’s sound
Because he leaves no tone un-Sterned

I spoke with my good friend named Dewey
Whose outlook on life is quite screwy
Claimed he ate Wookiee steak
In a pub by the lake
I got ill when he said it was Chewy

Global warming is one paradigm
Making headlines – this subject is prime
Antarctica’s delirious
And takes it quite serious
Though it’s cracking up all of the time

I think that we all can affirm
Perspective can help us to learn
Rising early on days
For a bird truly pays
But certainly not for the worm

Though scientists long ago found
The climate change coming around
Public understanding
Is finally expanding
Rising oceans are now gaining ground

A man in a Mercedes Benz
Tailgated the cars of his friends
With no patience to wait
Like this limerick’s fate
They both have abruptness of

A dictionary that I just bought
Is missing from it quite a lot
Only ’N’ words, it’s weird
The rest disappeared
‘Next’ to ‘Nothing’ is all that I got

“It is difficult being ignored”
“I may just go out of my gourd”
He is rather frank
That small wooden plank
Informing his friends he is board

The little child spoke quite succinct
Of where dinosaurs went – so he thinked
The last ones divorced
The reason, of course
Said the female – “It’s cuz my ex-stinked”

If the church visionaries acquire
Some weed from that guy in the choir
They’ll giggle and joke
When they breathe in the smoke
And prophets will never be higher

I said to my good buddy Victor
A movie is not a predictor
So don’t go insane
About snakes on a plane
It isn’t a Boeing constrictor

The vote yesterday left me flat
I now remove my campaign hat
Mice went for the tease
Of a wee bit of cheese
Did they not know it came from a cat?

At the wedding the bride had her fears
Despite the loud chorus of cheers
All the commotion
Created emotion
Her own wedding cake was in tiers

In the sauna was Jessica Bream
Whose camera stopped in midstream
Seems she had a tic
Could not take a pic
Due to issues with her selfie steam

Kim Jung Un’s got it made in the shade
Celebrations include a parade
Although things are crappy
The guy is quite happy
He’s signed an agreement on tirade

The fraternity guy did espouse
Some views on teetotaling – that louse
So we took a vote
The results are, I quote
“There’s not a dry aye in the house”

That ham down the road so matured
Is safe now, his friends have assured
When sick with a cold
He scared them ten-fold
By asking how he could be cured

I asked my friend living in Prague
“Should I get a kitten or dog?”
He said, “Rain or shine”
“Go buy a feline”
Then handed me his cat-alog

The Midas employee named Goshen
Gave to his coworkers precaution
“When you recondition”
“Turn off the ignition”
“Or suffer a lot from exhaustion”

Excuse me for sounding obscene
With this story of a lady from Queens
Too bad diarrhea
Was inherited by Mia
I guess it just runs in her jeans

Said the new father, Anthony Sids
“I see you are batting eyelids”
“But kids in back seats”
“Cause accidents in streets”
“And accidents in back seats can cause kids”

After dumping a whole lot of loot
The owner was set to compute
He got a great deal
The buyer revealed
Cuz they threw in an OS to boot

A mathematician named Sloan
Got a job at a bank quite well known
Was he qualified?
The answer supplied
He said he could cosine alone

I’m needing a good close up view
For cell work that I have to do
The best way to cope
Is a new microscope
It’s something I’m looking into