Limericks

It’s odd if you ever should choose
To hear lions expressing their views
So how do these kings
Stay on top of all things?
By just keeping up with the gnus

Don’t worry about what you spend
This drink is what I recommend
Cuz everything’s fine
With a bottle of wine
Since life is a cabernet, my friend
(Thanks to McKenna Parker for the pun)

The pirates displayed their great pleasure
Upon the release of the treasure
The tightly locked box
Got squeezed twixt two docks
And opened because of pier pressure

The Oreo treat is no dummy
Declaring that though he is yummy
He knows he is ill
Requiring a pill
Because he feels ever so crummy

The zookeeper’s message was snide
Destroying the grizzly bear’s pride
He said it is fair
To choose Aussie bears
Because they’re more koalafied

It seems that the battle is lost
For mom and pop owners across
The U.S.of A
Who mutter and say
“Wal-Mart is a plague of low-cost”
(try saying the last two words differently to “get it”)

Will the bartender’s words slowly bring
Some peace to his bar’s western wing?
He said “Sit at the table”
“You old jumper cable”
“But please do not start anything”

That vegetable band down the street
Is playing some tunes really neat
When things are too slow
They add some tempo
To do this, they turnip the beet

In Rome if you talked to the geezers
You would find they were not easier pleasers
But their empire is gone
It couldn’t go on
Divided by a pair of old Caesars

Said the diner who calls herself Jenny
“This Italian restaurant has many”
“Who spend mucho bucks”
“For pasta deluxe”
“It seems to be worth every penne”

Old Sigmund sure raised quite a flap
By giving his patient some crap
He kissed on her cheek
She let out a shriek
Giving rise to the Freudian slap

The tops of our houses each hour
Get sunlight if it doesn’t shower
Elon Musk has a plan
Where solar tops can
Make us pay through the roof for our power

The poet felt she had a curse
Her editor’s comments were terse
A four line selection
Received the rejection
“This poem cannot be much verse”

One honeybee had aggravation
Affecting his rear conformation
A surgeon came running
To keep the bee humming
It was a big sting operation

As for men and for women, it’s true
This news, which is good to review
If you should compare
Then please be aware
There is a vas deferens twixt the two

William Tell and his kids have a goal
Knocking pins with a ball that they roll
Their team has no name
So it is a shame
We know not for whom the Tells bowl

My new Pomeranian’s sore
Caught his butt in a big swinging door
Instead of just hissing
About what is missing
He should go to a good retail store

Said the real estate agent named Kotter
To the banker’s most lovely young daughter,
“My love is insane
Please marry me Jane
You know that I’ve got lots to offer”

That skunk over there by the fence
Has a problem that’s rather immense
The little guy’s plight?
He’s not very bright
And seems to have no common scents

Eclipses make animals cower
Cuz they think it’s their bedtime hour
And no surfing channels
If your solar panels
Are what supply TV its power

The team’s brand new gymnast is sad
Cuz the bank news she got’s rather bad
Despite her objections
Her bill’s in collections
For the outstanding balance she had

The crook had a rather strange bent
Perhaps it was due to torment
From Catholic training
Though we’re not complaining
He just gave himself up for Lent

At the beach the young student named Ted
Didn’t use any sunscreen they said
After reading all day
His pale went away
And now you could say he’s well-red

Eclipses can bring a large crowd
Imagine them shouting aloud
Especially if there
Is up in the air
A rather large cumulus cloud

That leftover seems to lack zen
Left alone on a plate in the den
He hoped he’d be eaten
But the fridge he’ll be meetin’
It looks like he’ll be foiled again

In the sky, it’s a symbol of grace
Amid stars all over the place
One thing I have felt
Is that Orion’s belt
Is really a big waist of space

A manic depressive I know
Has lots of emotional woe
She handles it well
As best I can tell
And says, “Easy glum, easy glow”

At the pen, they reported some news
Of surprisingly colorful views
A small piece of glass
Reflected en masse
Creating some Folsom prism blues

An old chiropractor named Max
Is quite good at making joint cracks
But he is in trouble
And may charge you double
So he can pay off his back tax

I’ve got a new barber named Schmidt
A funny and talented Brit
No one can compare
With how he trims hair
My old one was not cutting it

It seems Mr. Perkins has passed
Leaving all of his classmates aghast
He acted the jerk
Never doing the work
An attitude truly half-vast
(say this one out loud to “get it”)

An oxygen atom today
Hit potassium to its dismay
It is no infraction
This rough interaction
Cuz both of them now are OK

When their manual needed correction
Smith and Wesson did not raise objection
See, it is a fact
The thing that it lacked
Was only a trouble-shooting section

My roommates think I am a flake
Saying I really made a mistake
I stole – now they’re bitchin’
A broom from the kitchen
It’s a whisk I was willing to take

I first heard it from my grandpa
What is known as the lumberjack’s law
This simple delusion
Leads to some confusion
Cuz it says what you see, you saw

When you’re in my hometown, beware
It has a new law that’s unfair
They’ve outlawed, for real
Vehicles with wheels
No one jumps on banned wagons there

The young Asian chef they call Fred
Never knew what the waiter had said
Cuz in his mind’s eye
He dreamed of stir fry
This guy he has woks in his head

My astronomy professor named Thad
Said something that made me feel glad
Regarding the sky
He told me that I
Was the only star pupil he had

The old gentleman took in stride
What the archiving man had implied
The claim was old gramps
Was stealing his stamps
A charge that was philately denied

My butcher is feeling quite gruff
He said he has just had enough
When he looked away
From his pork fillet
A choplifter stole all his stuff

The shooter of arrows named Max
Explained what the sport mostly lacks
He said from his vantage
There is an advantage
But also too many drawbacks

The company of bike wheels that race
Is welcoming one brand new face
To help with P-R
They hired a big star
To have a spokesperson in place

At the bookstore I asked timidly
For some help to get phobia-free
The clerk pointed to
A brand new review
But I fear that it may not help me

The buyer’s attention was snatched
By an offer that could not be matched
‘Twas for puppets, that’s clear
At a price that brought cheer
But each came with no strings attached

An old swordsman down by the bay
Had too many drinks one fine day
So when he conferred
His words came out slurred
“Oh yeah? That’s easy for you touché”

At the party last night there was Sue
Who gave a good long talking to
She told all goodbye
But then stayed nearby
About nothing there was much adieu

I guess it is all cut and dried
The facts, they cannot be denied
That seamstress’ reaction
Arose from distraction
Cuz she was sew preoccupied

Of all the religious subjects
There’s a cult almost no one respects
But there is no doubt
They sure are devout
Those strange praying mantis in sects

What that Christian guy most truly knows is
A fact and not a psychosis
Who led Jews out of Spain?
Through flimsy membranes?
‘Twas a guy by the name of osMoses

A famous scientist, I hear
Loves chemistry jokes very dear
I have to believe
That on new year’s eve
He hopes for a phosphorus new year

Before Ms Chanel got her fame
And became such a high fashion dame
She was quite destitute
Without any loot
With nary a scent to her name

A shout to my good buddy Trevor
For thinking and acting so clever
Eating alphabet soup 
To help with the poop
Gave him the best vowel movement ever

A clothing designer named Scott
Made the splendidest clothes to be bought
His high fashion lines
Are trendy designs
Oh when he is haute, he is hot

The air traveler started to ponder
His mind – slowly starting to wander
He ordered a beer
To give him some cheer
Then flew into the wild brew yonder

Pavarotti, I heard from one source
Performs with a great tour de force
He’ll sing for an hour
Each day in the shower
Creating soap opera, of course

The Shakespearean critic was shrill
With the language he used to fulfill
His role as complainer
And major disdainer
That man was a fier at Will

John noticed it right after lunch
When the pain started growing a bunch
He thought he could track
The prob to his back
Wasn’t sure, but he had a hunch

I confess that I let out a sigh
For one French impressionist guy
Without any loot
He was destitute
There were things that Monet could not buy

Doing work was a lass in Capri
On a fire hydrant’s odd chemistry
Inside it you know
She found H-2-O
The outside had just K-9-P

The dieter looked every day
At the scale for what it would say
He’s cutting fat rolls
And meeting his goals
Let’s hope that he won’t blow a weigh

A bee at his hive up in Nome
Spread his wings to go out for a roam
But when he returned
It is said he had learned
There truly is no place like comb

The drunk in a big drinking mode
Carried asphalt with him as he strode
“I’m here on a bender”
“So please, dear bartender”
“One for me and one for the road”

Said the new father, Anthony Sids
“I see you are batting eyelids”
“But kids in back seats”
“Cause accidents in streets”
“And accidents in back seats can cause kids”

At the store, the orange squeezing bruisers
Consider the sacking crew losers
Perhaps it is cruel
There’s an unwritten rule
That says baggers cannot be juicers

The farming of cotton’s upheavals
Results from a wide range of evils
If you work out the math
A good farmer’s path
Is balancing goods versus weevils

The historian making her case
Spoke softly, then cut to the chase
Mr. Cromwell she claims
Deserved his disdain
By being Oliver the place

For its title, I have to surmise
An eclipse-based Web page takes the prize
Optometrists report
It’s clever and short
“This Page is a Site for Sore Eyes”

The worm farmer said with a cheer
That his ad slogan soon would appear
There are several surprises
Like his really low prices
And his clients can eat dirt cheap here

The guys in the bomb squad are tight
Looking out for each other, all right
But they sure weren’t thinking
When they went out drinking
And had a big blast late last night

The pebble just gave a cold shoulder
When asked of his dreams growing older
This wee little guy
So exceedingly shy
Wishes he was a little boulder

The dumbest words I ever spoke
Became a big company joke
When they were glass blowing
I said about owing
That they ought to all go for broke

A writer decided one day
To work as a tailor for pay
He won accolades
Because this guy made
An earnest living the hemming way

Although I am making great strides
I still do not like my outsides
Perhaps I should look
At that new diet book
I’m needing some words to the wides

The gentleman seeking a tux
Hoped to find something rather deluxe
So the clerk then supplied
A suit in deer hide
Now he looks just like one million bucks

Of this election, I told my friend Jeff
Who says he is feeling bereft
“Politicians with gigs”
“Are like flying pigs”
“Except they are lacking the ‘f’”

When sleeping, their heads aren’t on down
But despite this no villagers frown
Cuz their pillows are joys
With the best corduroys
Making headlines all over the town

One time I recall right offhand
A forest burned down on this land
But I’m amidst, Jeez
Many thousands of trees
They are back now by poplar demand

That pessimist’s take on the masses
Is really as dark as molasses
But I guess it’s not new
Since his whole world view
Is seen through woes-colored glasses

I guess I just have to say ‘yup’
To a saying of old Mr. Rupp
He said, it would seem
“There’s no ‘I’ in team”
“But there’s plenty of ‘U’ in ‘Fuck Up’ “

Though Pfizer tried hard to refute
The nickname they got was a beaut
It’s the way people talk
Of the products they hawk
Calling them the house of pill repute

When the paint shipping captains assumed
Many dangers they were not attuned
The one with the red
Struck the blue one’s paint bed
And truly they’re now both marooned

Gas station attendants have said it
Though in restaurants, it sure is wrong-headed
In Flint there’s no blinking
They ask if you’re drinking
“Regular or the unleaded?”

The watchmaker earning his dime
Told his wife on the phone “Honey I’m
Gonna be rather late
Could be half past eight.”
As he continued his work over time

Amphibians all will refuse
The footwear that’s now in the news
Though boots are quite hot
They’ll never be bought
Frogs only wear open toad shoes

There’s one indisputable fact
The train’s engineer should react
Ignoring transponders
As his mind slowly wanders
Is just how he got so side tracked

The head cold I’ve gotten just stays
And has entered a very bad phase
It hasn’t been shaken
By meds I’ve been takin’
I’m stuck in the hoarse buggy daze

An optometrist out in Tacoma
Is treating my buddy’s glaucoma
What remains unexplained
Is how well he’s trained
With only an eye school diploma

I got just the thing I expected
For my back, which I had neglected
The number one factor?
A good chiropractor
I was wrong, but now stand corrected

If you find that the spirit world sours
Here’s one idea that empowers
It is a great trick
That works rather slick
Just send them a booquet of flowers

Stevie Wonder is lonely and how!
You can see in his most furrowed brow
I’m telling you straight
He should go on a date
But he’s not seeing anyone now

I heard this unsavory news
By a Lutheran expressing her views
When the pastor has beans
It certainly means
Everyone will be sitting in pews

I said to my good buddy Ringo,
“I’ll help you to learn opera lingo”
The term for a ringer
Or a “faux” opera singer
Is Mr. Placebo Domingo

With a work load way up past his ears
The woodworker stripped all his gears
He began to feel ill
Then sat on a drill
And it seems to have bored him to tears

In Austin, they seem to prefer
Fish grown on a farm as it were
If you ask of a batch
“From what did these hatch?”
That’s the yellow roes of Texas, sir

The server who calls herself Mabel
Is someone who’s very much able
She’s truly admired
They say she got hired
Cuz she brings a lot to the table

The police are so loudly commending
The witness who helped apprehending
Four convicts in all
Rappelling the wall
Each one of them was con-descending

The party was lacking in frills
But still was a birthday with thrills
It was rather classic
Cuz old Mr. Vlasic
Could not blow out all the canned dills

The bank robber police had long sought
Has finally now gotten caught
The case open/shut
The thief a true nut
Who said “Gimme all the cashew got”

The dog pound has many surprises
In the clever way it advertises
“Leasing dogs is a way
To test out a stray”
Go check out their low cur rent prices

The noble gas out by the lawn
Was bored he proclaimed with a yawn
The reason you know
His friends had to go
It seems all of them now argon

Those guys in their matchmaking games
Are clever the public proclaims
Pairing ladies in minks
Whose social life stinks
To guys with no scent to their names

For morale it is simply instructive
Praising help with verbiage constructive
At the diner today
I guess I would say
The waitress was counter-productive

The car dealer there at his station
Is balancing sales with elation
He works with pizzazz
Because this guy has
Excellent Hyundai coordination

While eating a chocolate entree
The lass showed mysterious dismay
This secretive one
Hides it from everyone
So if you ask Hershey® won’t say

Transylvanians have to be smart
And handle things right from the start
They don’t set afire
A veggie vampire
Instead they drive steaks to its heart

I don’t think it could get too much worse
Perhaps it’s some kind of a curse
Cuz he’s feeling numb
In both of his thumbs
The Braille poet’s can’t feel much verse

If insomnia hits it may seem
Like you want to let out a scream
When counting the sheep
Your hope for some sleep
Is to dream the impossible dream

A watchmaker got in a bind
The stresses made him almost blind
I hope the occasion
Of a two week vacation
Will give him some time to unwind

With the Admiral doing his check
Ensign Chuck sure is feeling a wreck
The ship must be clean
No smudge to be seen
Or he will make Charles Schwab® the deck

Queen Elizabeth’s dieting drill
Relies on Shakespearean skill
He follows her round
Keeping track of each pound
Oh, where there’s a weigh, there’s a Will

The astronaut parents unlocked it
This secret so please do not knock it
Putting baby to sleep
Without counting sheep
Is a breeze if you just go and rocket

A brand new young spirit named Conner
Is adjusting to being a goner
Much to his surprise
Some spookier guys
Turned him into their ghost of honor

At the Westminster dog show, you know
A certain young collie’s aglow
Despite lots of itching
This dog isn’t bitching
Her flea won the pest of the show

The dashing young gentleman Dwight
Has strategy wooing Ms Right
They’ll walk amid trees
He’ll fall to his knees
And it will be love at fir sight

A shy lad afraid of romance
Was worried there might a chance
That he’d have to bop
When at the sock hop
So he’s practicing his avoi dance

I said to my buddy named Clem
Whose loss of things really costs him
To cut the expense
Of your contact lens
You need to keep your eyes upon them

A TV programmer named Milam
Took his team to a place near the highlands
So they’re situated
And quite isolated
Working hard on a big remote island

An amnesiac out of Moscow
Didn’t know who or what, even how
As he got more chagrined
He peed at the wind
And said, “It’s all coming back to me now”

My girlfriend of late has been miffed
Because of my lame birthday gift
Now how would I know
She didn’t like snow?
It’s too bad, if you get my drift

The teacher gets children in swarms
To respond to her fine teaching charms
When questions are cheesy
It’s really quite easy
To get students all up in arms

In Russia the big superstars
Are watched on the TV’s in bars
I guess you should know
Their least favorite show
Is entitled “Dancing with the Czars”

Princess Middleton’s having some pain
Morning sickness is not so mundane
This wee little boy
And bundle of joy
Has a forecast that’s calling for reign

Dear Emily, I say with conviction
Regarding your Facebook depiction
If these seaweed things
Are what happiness brings
You must seek kelp for your addiction
(For Emily, who “loves” kelp)

The beggar who’s out by the fence
Has a need that is truly immense
But it’s his demand
I don’t understand
He sure doesn’t make any cents

The art critics sure are in awe
Of impressionist paintings they saw
They all asked him whether
He paints with a feather
The famous bird artist Wren-oir

The new guy has too many stumbles
And likewise makes excessive fumbles
It just doesn’t seem
That he’ll make the team
But that’s the way the rookie crumbles

The European snow caused a rift
When the wind blowing it was quite swift
The problems abounded
Most airlines were grounded
Cuz there was a continental drift

In preparing the tight rope for Scott
I erred by not giving it thought
He hit the ground – SMACK
There was too much slack
It seems that such things must be taut

A chicken is said by some blokes
To be quite a master of hoax
This hen likes to make
Her friends take the cake
She likes to play practical yolks

Being a battery is tough
You must worry about lots of stuff
It’s especially hard
Using Visa cards
Cuz you feel that you’re not charged enough

A limerick writer can shatter
Perceptions and give rise to chatter
If my verse makes you groan
I’m right in the zone
It’s one place where sighs really matter

The hermit proclaimed on arriving
The traffic cop had to be jiving
It didn’t seem real
So he will appeal
The charge that he was recluse driving

The stripper who came out of France
Makes her money by losing her pants
She wanted reward
But now is quite bored
So tired of the old thong and dance

An Irishman walking one day
Had a bullet headed his way
With no time to duck
He had some good luck
So he’s living today, Rick O’Shea

There is a good chef friend of mine
To whom I am throwing this line
The best way a host
Can make some French toast
Is to give them a bottle of wine

The golfer outside now is singing
The praises that darkness is bringing
When playing at night
It is a delight
Cuz he gets to go night club swinging

Mr. Dumpty got into a scrape
Lost a fight to a mean Concord grape
Just like many eggs
He doesn’t have legs
Or else this guy would have eggscaped

The feudalist takes lots of notes
Everything from the baron he quotes
“Regarding election”
“And final selection”
“Remember that ev’ry Count votes”

King Hamlet was known to complain
And the reason is really quite plain
Seems he got enraged
The more that he aged
It’s not fun if you’re a grayed Dane

I pity my best friend named Jake
Who one day decided to take
A carton of boron
Because he’s a moron
Who makes elementary mistakes

The tert alcohol was a fool
Turned to ketone in making a fuel
The work is complete
The bond gave up heat
As it lost all its family joules

In Hawaii, you must comprehend
All the names for a beau that are penned
Because it is true
Out in Oahu
A girl calls a guy her poi friend

The baker of donuts says his
Love for making them’s over, it is
So don’t a fuss
Or try to discuss
Because he’s just tired of the hole biz

The vote yesterday left me flat
I now remove my campaign hat
Mice went for the tease
Of a wee bit of cheese
Did they not know it came from a cat?

When that big snowstorm hit, all our cares
Were increased, and nothing compares
I asked my wife Flo
To please salt the snow
But she just gave me icy stairs

I’m certain you’ve heard all the chatter
My stomach is getting much fatter
One friend loses weight
With her mental state
A triumph of mind over platter

The leprechaun said to his aunt
In a cute little leprechaun chant
“Despite many gains”
“My confidence wanes”
“I just feel that I’m a leprecan’t”

From my job I am ready to quit
I’ll retire and then get on with it
Should my bonds and my stocks
Go with me on walks?
Cuz they should be fiscally fit

The microbiologist Bates
On readying her agar plates
Began with some sowing
Of strains to be growing
Her clones are just simply cell mates

The teenager’s friends were all crowing
Of the show to which they were a-going
Jan worried that she
Would be absentee
Because she had parents all no-ing

At a bread factory down by the coast
The owner was quite a good host
But he will soon frown
His business burned down
And all of his work is now toast

Someone said that the pope may be sick
In explaining his traveling tic
Cuz this guys gets around
Moving from town to town
That makes him a roamin’ Catholic

In Russia in old 40s towns
An idea was gaining some ground
“We’ll recover much faster”
“From World War disaster”
“If we don’t keep Stalin around”

Your congestion, it seems to me Colin
Means allergies of which you’ve befallen
I think that last night
You sneezed with great might
Because it was simply a pollen

Mr. Dumpty is sadly now gone
His remains scattered out on the lawn
He climbed very high
On that wall, why oh why?
It seems that his friends egged him on

(published in the Washington Post Style Invitational contest #1506)

With the grass growing fast near the sewer
The homeowner sought out a chewer
It’s now all in hand
A cow’s in command
An efficiently acting lawn mooer

It’s with sorrow I send you this note
The repairmen has said and I quote,
The TV’s in danger
With no channel changer
It’s recovery chance is remote

The NBA chief let it go
His puzzlement hiding his woe
A big sense of dread
Was there when he said
“Wyoming left, I’ll never know”

An incredible dunce at our school
Was certainly some kind of fool
His head’s broadest side
Was twelve inches wide
But never got used as a rule

While fluttering around in the hall
The butterfly started to bawl
He hadn’t a chance
To go to the dance
Because it was just a mothball

Charley Tuna had one secret wish
It was to be singing with kitsch 
He’d make the girls moan
As a great baritone
If someone could just tuna fish

My goldfish is missing today
I’m sad that he’s just gone away
So where did he go?
My kitten may know
He’s a Persian of interest, I’d say

The bartender had no regard
For the Stratford man drinking too hard
He said “I don’t think”
“I’ll give you more drink”
“And so Shakespeare now you are bard”

I’m sorry to share this sad news
Coming to us from old Santa Cruz
It seems there’s no more
In their liquor store
Cuz a ghost just stole all of the boos

The Dominoes patrons perchance
Had reason for looking askance
It was a big oh-oh
From Ms Yoko Ono
Who asked them to give pizza chants

A plate in the town of Dundee
Asked a cup out for lunch and some tea
He said “we can go”
“To a place that I know”
“If you’ll come, the meal is on me”

It was said to be rather breathtaking
And was a huge kind of groundbreaking
When the Goliath guy died
Got buried – none cried
‘Twas quite a giant undertaking

Needing fragrance to dab on my head
I searched for some perfume with Fred
But found some frustration
One unscented station
“Out of odor” its little sign said

I guess I just have to say ‘yup’
To a saying of old Mr. Rupp
He said, it would seem
“There’s no ‘I’ in team”
“But there’s plenty of ‘U’ in ‘Fuck Up’ “

My brother, the novelist’s mad
After giving it all that he had
He’s really in shock
With bad writer’s block
A case of authoritis real bad

Norwegians complain they get bored
Dull vacations provide no reward
So everyone chooses
To go out on cruises
It’s something they all can a fjord

A sheep banned because of concern
Of infractions just had to relearn
To be like an arrow
Walk straight and walk narrow
And not make illegal ewe turns

In Britain there once was a youngster
Who fashioned himself quite the punster
He said if you seize
A good Scottish cheese
You’ll capture a real Loch Ness Muenster

A lobbyist people call Steve
Uses gospel to help him achieve
The things he wants, thus
It’s just like Christmas
Working so hard to give, then receive

One lady has such discontent
Over marriage, her biggest lament
The thing that she dreaded
Occurred when she wedded
The sentence of wife imprisonment

The temperature rise has been takin’
Its toll on the pigs down in Macon
One old boar it seems
Got hot -really steamed
Any hotter and he would be bakin’

The baker of bread has succeeded
His quotas today all exceeded
The reason he’s blessed
You probably guessed
He has everything that he’s kneaded

The burger I have on my plate
Is yummy and I cannot wait
The energy’s higher
With steak or a fryer
Because they’re not in the ground state

That landscape’s a beauty to see
Though rocky and lacking a tree
I guess you should know
A real high plateau
Is a high form of flattery to me
(Thanks to Robert Baldwin for the pun)

The Post Office guy called The Gripper
Is certainly one jolly ripper
The labels he peels
With vigorous zeal
Make him the best kind of mail stripper

The stories got graver and graver
In the west after each hanging caper
It could not be doubted
You’d read all about it
By picking up any noose paper

The farmer erased a big frown
His wandering stock was just found
When they asked him how
He found his lost cow
He said that he just tractor down

In Secretariat’s grave Mr. Norse
Performed one last act of remorse
He acted most feckless
Throwing in a pearl necklace
He wanted to bead a dead horse

On a ladder at night filled with hope
Two melons tip-toed down the slope
Their plans though got buried
They will not be married
You guessed it – they just cantaloupe
(Thanks to Dan Ahern for the pun)

An optometrist in St. Tropez
Advertises his biz in hi-res
In the form of a sign
With amazing design
“Power to the Pupil,” it says

On the highway, it goes zoom, zoom,zoom
Wasting gas, making horrible fumes
This large SUV
Can house a family
They call it a three bed vroom

It’s simple for me to be stating
The joy that I find in creating
New buttons and holes
For jackets and stoles
It’s work that I found fastenating

The mouse in my house makes me shriek
Every time I espy its physique
The thing that inflames
The most are his games
He likes to play hide and go squeak

The perfumist creating incense
Keeps an eye on his products’ expense
Here’s one rule of thumb
The profits come from
Just minding the dollars and scents

The podiatrist gets many votes
For his book that is loaded with quotes
He’s filled with elation
Because each citation
Is carried inside of footnotes

Elmer Fudd loudly started to swear
At a restaurant down by the square
It seems they served bisque
To Bugs Bunny, tsk, tsk
And he cannot stand soup in his hare

Mick Jagger is really the boss
Though sometimes he’s thrown for a loss
He has this one tic
No sphagnum he’ll pick
Cuz a Rolling Stone gathers no moss

I think it’s OK to repeat
An enterprise out on Main street
Has balls that are rolling
You know it as bowling
A place where the pin pals can meet

I said to the bass-catching guy
Whether using a worm or a fly
There is no debate
When you hunt – lie and wait
But for fishing, you must wait and lie