Limericks

A fruit announced he would treasure
Going out on the town for pleasure
But his friends disapproved
So he never moved
I guess he succumbed to pear pressure

Here’s something that golfers endorse
A most irresistable force
It seems they play quicker
To get to the liquor
The 19th hole’s bar for the course

An actress Egyptians adore
Went walking alone by the shore
How far did she go?
Her fans say they know
A Nile and a half, maybe more

The chief out at Tesla’s conveying
Commands that his car is obeying
Its route gets designed
From reading your mind
I guess that it goes without saying

The cow mama declared aloud “I’m”
“Gonna give some advice that is prime”
“To my son who is wired”
“You’re gonna be tired”
“Because it is pasture bedtime”

A sprinter was feeling distress
So started with food to obsess
He stopped all his eating
Before his competing
And is on the fast track to success

By the door hanging baskets is Rupp
So his wife can place plants to disrupt
The view overhead
Their rather drab shed
All the hooks he is now screwing up

A woodworker known as Tom Little
Is carving himself a new fiddle
And how does he make
This awesome keepsake?
He works on it whittle by whittle
(Thanks to Lisa Lin for the pun)

Being a battery is tough
You must worry about lots of stuff
It’s especially hard
Using Visa cards
Cuz you feel that you’re not charged enough

That sad mathematical guy
Looks like he is going to cry
It isn’t complex
He’s seeking his x
But nobody seems to know y

In Sweden, they get all uptight
With disorder and setting things right
For example, I note
There’s bar codes on boats
So they can scan da navy in each night

Your dog is too friendly, I snicker
Glad to see me and here is the kicker
His tongue activates
Then he salivates
Too bad that he can’t hold his licker

Perhaps it was heavenly love
Or some coincidences thereof
That gave Matt a ‘B’
In trigonom’try
He thinks ‘twas a sine from above

I said to my charming young wife
I’m wracked with obesity strife
I dread the details
That comes from the scales
My dieting’s one weigh of life

That old 60s guy, Mr. Scott
Is a stoner, more likely than not
He’s an example of why
Old hippies don’t die
Every one of them just goes to pot

Old Jake’s an unusual dude
Whose interests all border on rude
When he came to get
A high-tech toilet
He decided to call it iPood

A geek doing coding in Guam
Encountered an odd software bomb
When he emptied the trash
He heard a big crash
And got sent to kingdom dot com

In cutting our budget the trail blazer
Blamed it all of the business appraiser
It seemed he went nuts
With those big budget cuts
By using a real fund razor

I confess that I just stood there staring
At his clothing, there was no comparing
On his shirt, you should know
It was marked H-2-Oh
So I asked him, “Just water you wearing?”

The zoo bought this thing in Guyana
Expanding their reptile zoo fauna
Their new lizard’s regal
And now it is legal
I’m speaking of their mare-iguana

Here’s to Seth the Wall Street stock trader
Whose cause is one of crusader
Almost everyone laughs
He’s afraid of long shafts
Taking steps to avoid elevators

That wine critic’s feeling quite mad
With the wine that the restaurant had
A yawning review
To them he gave to
Because he got bordeaux so bad

That catcher of shrimp is a joker
Though his humor is sure mediocre
For example, he jests
That he will invest
By selling his catch to prawn brokers

I don’t want to hear you complaining
This exercise regimen’s draining
And don’t call me kinky
Working out with a slinky
It’s just my own kind of spring training

A promising scientist Clem
Gave advice like this chemistry gem
“Reactions enlarge”
“On changing the charge”
“So you must keep an ion them”

I feel for the couple named Smart
They had a good marriage at start
But somebody said
Their new water bed
Slowly caused them to drift far apart

The new plastic surgeon was miffed
Very angry because of a rift
A born again Glenn
And ten other men
Think he should give them a faith lift

Consider the shark they call Wade
Who’s pretty near deaf, I’m afraid
But now he has found
He picks up some sound
By using his new herring aid

The red blood cell listed his gripe
His date hadn’t been worth the hype
It was rather grim
Unappealing to him
Because she just wasn’t his type

Out camping old Al Capone went
The gangster and big malcontent
He claims he went there
To breathe outdoor air
I say it was criminal in tent

Norwegians complain they get bored
Dull vacations provide no reward
So everyone chooses
To go out on cruises
It’s something they all can a fjord

The pirate knows quite well that he
Relying on his memory
Will get most upset
With the alphabet
Cuz he always gets lost at C

The amphibian spoke in a code
Uttering dashes and dots in the road
Although it appeared
To be rather weird
Turns out he was just a Morse toad

Mister Bach was a wonderful bloke
Making music that oft would evoke
A satisfied smile
Dramatic in style
Thank goodness he went for baroque

The odd married couple next door
Said something that’s hard to ignore
These grouches disparage
The concept of marriage
As mourning after the knot before

The historian making her case
Spoke softly, then cut to the chase
Mr. Cromwell she claims
Deserved his disdain
By being Oliver the place

The chimney sweep makes lots of loot
For his work inside each chimney chute
Most folks are impressed
At the way he is dressed
He’s always got on a new soot

I said to a health freak named Liz
How an organic farmer’s a wiz
He’s truly all-knowing
Of things getting sowing
And just keeps tilling it like it is

That minister, Mr. McCollum
Is wise and can be rather solemn
It’s the reason he writes
For the paper each night
A parsonal advice column

The British have got something new
An alphabet change, it is true
Their vowels, you know
Are just A,I, O
Because they don’t want the EU

Of course, it is certainly true
I said to the bread-making crew
Remember financing
To keep on advancing
You knead dough for everything you do

I really don’t mean to be rude
But that pianist’s concert was crude
It isn’t just me
The critics agree
Their summary – “bad at etudes”

The snake milker couldn’t recall
A yield from the fangs quite so small
If his boss should complain
He simply explains
That sometimes you can’t venom all

When you’re longing for beer drinking spaces
A brewery can be your oasis
Is a lager the tops
Because of its hops?
Decide on a case by case basis

The trumpeter wanted to do it
So she practiced all night to review it
Her audition went well
The way I could tell
Was everyone said that she blew it

Jenny Craig tells her patrons with mirth
Who arrive from all over the Earth
“You have to be strong”
“If you get it wrong”
“The weak shall inherit the girth”

A Norwegian incredibly bold
On his birthday went out in the cold
He said to his lady
“Although I am eighty
I cannot say that I fjold”

Dalai Lama’s a guy with great style
I said with a rather broad smile
At his fave grocery store
He’s really a bore
Getting all that he needs in eggs’ aisle

I like to get into a zone
Making limerick readers all moan
If I mess with their minds
When they’re reading these lines
The significance surely has groan

An amnesiac out of Moscow
Didn’t know who or what, even how
As he got more chagrined
He peed at the wind
And said, “It’s all coming back to me now”

The math teacher’s feeling quite fine
And it happens almost every time
It’s simple, in fact
With each new contract
She likes sine-ing on dotted lines

The car owner started inquiring
When performance became uninspiring
His Michelin man
Had a different plan
Recommending the car for re-tire-ing

Mr. Dumpty, at the side of the wall
Put the matter to rest for us all
He said that the summer
Was really a bummer
But hopes he will have a great fall

In political science Ms Parks
Spoke her mind and created some sparks
She said that her grade
Was surely waylaid
Because she had such lousy Marx

You wouldn’t believe the costume
On view in the ultra-sound room
The fetus – not bare
Has on underwear
It looks like it’s Fruit of the Womb

The cleric just had to admit
What he knew came from one holy writ
Holy water’s salvation
Via purification
Comes from boiling the hell out of it

The Asian chef worked with aplomb
For a name for his restaurant’s dot com
He got most creative
Sticking close to the native
And dubbed it the Viet Nom Nom

A skunk in the road sat unblinking
A book he had read got him thinking
The tome, I would guess
Might lead to success
“The Power of Positive Stinking”

A tiny rambunctious young elf
Had a fall from the Binyons top shelf
He landed unseen
On a lensing machine
And made a big spectacle of himself

When asked how he woos by an actor
The farmer described the prime factor
The main part of farming
That makes him so charming
Is connecting a plow to attract her
(repeat the last line aloud to “get it”)

On Brexit, the loud demonstrator
Had a message for each legislator
“There isn’t a doubt”
“We should not get out”
But voters just said “see EU later”

The blood bank that’s here in our town
Has problems, as many have found
It isn’t so great
If folks have to wait
When they get caught with their pints down

The Civil War soldier was shrieking
On hearing a voice he’d been seeking
It’s what he preferred
He craved every word
Twas his guy, General Lee speaking

Old Sigmund sure raised quite a flap
By giving his patient some crap
He kissed on her cheek
She let out a shriek
Giving rise to the Freudian slap

On the surface philosophers scratch
Guiding principles they can dispatch
It gets rather jolly
The back and forth volley
Occurring when their tenets match

Their bedding and towels on display
Were the best you can find any day
But Destiny’s Child
Bought them out and restyled
The name – Bed, Bath and Beyoncé

I entered a 10K in Nome
A place where the Inuits roam
I picked that location
For this year’s vacation
So I can run away from home

One time when I lived in Madrid
I worked as a trainer amid
Some folks who were brawny
But I was real scrawny
So I gave too weak notice I did

The haberdasher’s remark was misread
When he looked towards his friends and then said
“You guys should all know”
“To be status quo”
“I have to go right on a head”

The heir to the fortune named Page
Has a night life that is all the rage
How can she beguile
Folks with her lifestyle?
It’s cuz she gets paid a descent wage

After grabbing an ax in his fist
The woodsman went out to assist
The cutting of trees
To the height of his knees
According to his chopping list

The pilot of copters opines
It has happened to him many times
He will save someone’s rear
And then overhear
That he’s got a great pickup line

Old Tweety bird lowered his jaw
And shouted out loudly, “hurrah!”
With Winnie’s ascent
As new President
He taught he taw a Pooh d’etat

The belt very sadly recants
Explaining that he had no chance
He’s now doing time
For one major crime
Convicted of holding up pants

My wife said last night I would keep
Telling stories when counting the sheep
I said many things
From Lord of the Rings
‘Cuz I was Tolkien in my sleep

A man in a Mercedes Benz
Tailgated the cars of his friends
With no patience to wait
Like this limerick’s fate
They both have abruptness of

For its title, I have to surmise
An eclipse-based Web page takes the prize
Optometrists report
It’s clever and short
“This Page is a Site for Sore Eyes”

There is, said my ocean connection
A bump on the mermaid’s midsection
The lady was wild
And now is with child
I wonder if she’ll have a sea section?

A mechanic just lost a commission
From a psychic, by his own admission
It seems he ignored
Her best ouija board
Saying he couldn’t fix its trance mission

While flicking his tail with a swish
The wee lobster spoke one last wish
“Excuse my recoiling”
“From going a-boiling”
“For I’m just a little shellfish”

One honeybee had aggravation
Affecting his rear conformation
A surgeon came running
To keep the bee humming
It was a big sting operation

The maid in the bathroom ahead
Was feeling a big sense of dread
She knew she’d be blamed
And so she proclaimed
“I’m sorry there’s Moldova your head”

Dan Rather is happy to say
He’s a skeptic and that is OK
If you try to fool
This guy as a rule
He can CBS® a mile away

It took them about 20 dates
The man from Korea relates
For him and his wife
To link up for life
The two of them sure are Seoul mates

A clueless young man tried a line
On a fair but unyielding Fräulein
When her number he sought
The reply that he got
Was 999-9999

If you’re needing an exercise fix
The next time you’re out in the sticks
Go out and get you
A brand new canoe
And then do row impact aerobics

The broom feels so bad he could weep
It’s a feeling that runs very deep
Why, you might say
Is it such a bad day?
It’s cuz he didn’t get enough sweep

Mr. Dumpty is sadly now gone
His remains scattered out on the lawn
He climbed very high
On that wall, why oh why?
It seems that his friends egged him on

(published in the Washington Post Style Invitational contest #1506)

A scientist froze a big cow
To absolute zero – ee-yow
And as it got cold
It mooed, I am told
However it’s all 0 K now

I said to my student named Hannah
Whether in jungles or in the savannah
When naming twin monkeys
It’s really quite funky
To refer to them as Abe an’ Anna

The twins from the town of La Jolla
Sang loudly when playing LaToya
Their friends weren’t too nice
Giving her strong advice
“You shouldn’t let that pair annoya”

Michael Jackson’s long gone from the scene
But a designer who’s selling in Queens
Has new lines of clothing
I know he’d be loathing
They go by the name of Billie Jeans

A rare Christmas gift from the Czar
Went on sale at a local bazaar
You must buy them all
Not just one Russian doll
Cuz they’re full of themselves, yes they are

My dog is a terrier mix
She’s smart and is just turning six
Whenever there’s food
She acts really good
And uses her big beg of tricks

In the shower, my good buddy Don
Is getting a bit more withdrawn
Each time he gets stripped
To clean up a bit
The faucets they all get turned on

I heard from a gentleman Michael
Who just told me that a bad bike’ll
Be colliding with you
Several times ‘fore its through
Because it is one vicious cycle

When an anteater’s feeling quite ill
It is true that he certainly will
Never ignore it
He’ll take something for it
Most likely an ant acid pill

A prof at our school, Dr. Nyes
Thinks love is for those with math ties
His advice was amassed
From relationships past
Where the unknowns are exes and whys

The science researcher will whine
At his data darn near every time
When it comes to a graph
There’s no cause to laugh
Wherever should he draw the line?

From my trip to Helsinki I’ll share
This story I’ve told everywhere
Our luggage was lost
At terrible cost
It vanished into the Finn Air

Each time that his ship glug a lugs
Mr. Scott’s called to fix up its bugs
OId Scottie is wise
On the ship Enterprise
He knows how to change the Spock plugs

The new airline pilot named Mays
Is worried for her flying ways
It really upset her
But now she is better
After taking off for a few days

The calculus guy known as Sid
Was a calculating kind of a kid
Whether tangents or sines
I said many times
He made a math of everything he did

Resolutions I like to extol
They’re part of a brand new year’s goal
I told my friend Will
That I’m on the pill
Cuz I’m practicing girth control

The ice cube is likely to talk
But nothing he says is a shock
This frozen lil cad
Is just like his dad
He’s just a chip off the old block

I’m not quite sure whether to pout
Or announce that I’m mad in a shout
My Word files – erased
Or badly misplaced
So tell me – WHO LET THE DOCX OUT?

A clam by the name of big Earl
Remarked on a sub-marine girl
He’s figured it out
And says there’s no doubt
Ms Oyster’s the mother of pearl

The modeling guy at Capri
On display was quite happy that he
Avoided the loathing
While showing off clothing
That knight there in shining Armani

Mythologically I can’t ignore
The Greeks and their legends of yore
Though respect you may send
To the gods, in the end
Cyclops is the one eye adore

The Chinese premier is a red
Who visited a leading blockhead
The two disagreed
On Taiwan, guaranteed
‘Twas a matter of “He said, Xi said”

Justin B. it is said will persist
Being picky of girls he will kiss
His fav’rite romancer?
A chemist and dancer
He’s quite fond of Rockette scientists

In Oregon, rain can abort
A picnic, a walk, or a sport
It is for this reason
In every season
We watch each day’s wetter report

Your bird’s with that vet the Moldavian
We’ll see if it injured its cranium
Cuz he is a guy
Who with MRI
Is someone who has Scandinavian

It’s true and I freely admit
My phobia gives me a fit
Two letter words scare
It’s really not fair
I’m terrified thinking of “it”

The weather outside at the trail
Had wind at the force of a gale
Not sure if the pain
Was from freezing rain
All I know is that it hurt like hail

A flower arranger Louise
Ran away to the woods of Belize
When they went where she fled
The search party said
They can’t see the florist for the trees

A drug dealer down by the bay
Pushes shoes, to the public’s dismay
There is a big myth
What he laces them with
Gets some of them tripping all day

A bulletin board’s out of whack
It’s holding a note penned in black
The note has displayed
That it is dismayed
Cuz it knows it is under a tack

Our planet has much global warming 
Perhaps we should think of transforming
New places of worth
Perhaps middle Earth
They tell me that it’s hobbit forming

Of Cheerios I must complain
I do not like their new campaign
It seems they are cheating
By saying we’re eating
A food that is made from hole grain

The dentist DC took a pencil
Expressing the case fundamental
When one’s pulling the teeth
Of Commander in Chief
You really should be Presi-dental

The scavenger hunter named Case
Ran frantic all over the place
The cause of his flight?
He sought magnetite
And got lost on a wild Gauss chase

The stenographer’s outlook was candid
As her work yesterday was expanded
The appeals to her boss
Did not get across
How often she feels so short-handed

The music conductor named Schmitt
Couldn’t finish an orchestral bit
Messed up on the style
He’s not versatile
It seems he could not Handel it

The Romans were breaking decorum
In trying to get to a quorum
They got forty eight
A little too late
Too bad it was not enough forum 

One monument maker did make
A stone for a dead guy named Jake
Now all wasn’t well
The name he misspelled
And he’s paying for his grave mistake

Transcendental meditation’s too
Complicated to describe in a few
Words very short
So I’ll just report
This stuff kind of gurus on you

At the meteorologists’ fair
Each attendee was made most aware
They want to have surety
But there’s no job security
When their future is up in the air

From the blackjack table, John Smith
Quit his job on July twenty fifth
The reason he’s gone
Is he can’t go on
With people he cannot deal with

Mr. Collins is there on display
Much to everyone else’s dismay
He looks like a stripper
With wide open zipper
I do not like casual fly day

I won’t keep you much in suspense
Because what I’m saying makes sense
The museum curator
Of paintings has greater
Art official intelligence

A limerick is not just a verse
With five lines, for better or worse
If you’re seeking some gold
For your writing, I’m told
That the pay can be truly per verse

My girlfriend of late has been miffed
Because of my lame birthday gift
Now how would I know
She didn’t like snow?
It’s too bad, if you get my drift

The geography professor named Miles
While grading exams was all smiles
When asked to please give her
The young Egypt rivers
A student replied “juveniles”

The post-it note careful and cautious
Is rather naive and a novice
Cuz he doesn’t know
How workplace things go
So now he is stuck in the office

The mussel’s not much of a sport
When he’s harmed he feels he must resort
To getting some loot
By filing lawsuit
Inside of the town’s small clams court

A waiter of note they call Rob
Is some kind of foodie heart throb
When folks come to dine
He likes to serve wine
And always does quite a pour job

The motel whose prices were cheap
‘Twas hoped would give rest very deep
I woke up instead
Beside the big bed
And knew I had fallen, asleep

A beauty contestant Miss Dunning
Gave a demonstration most cunning
She showed off a taser
And let nothing faze her
It is said that she was rather stunning

I swear that I heard ghostly mutter
Amidst all the haunted house clutter
A boy and a girl
From the netherworld
Confessed that they both loved each shudder

That Merle is an odd kind of bloke
A really eccentric cowpoke
The diff’rence, for Merle
‘Tween a pun and a girl
Is that sometimes he does get a joke

I think that I might have a curse
That’s taking a turn for the worse
Whene’er I arise
And open my eyes
I go straight from bed to verse

I said to my good friend named Judy
Because I felt it was my duty
“Your hairdresser’s brave”
“To add that blonde wave”
“She could dye in the line of beauty”

My bank account’s looking quite flat
Since I purchased that Siamese cat
The price was a shock
It put me in hock
Iowa lot of money for that

Oh the air of the forest will ring
Each time that the woodsman does sing
Of the way he is pleased
When cutting down trees
His love is a many splintered thing

My gardener’s strong etymology
Describes all his work in ecology
He pricked up the ears
Describing his shears
As real cutting hedge technology

The head cold I’ve gotten just stays
And has entered a very bad phase
It hasn’t been shaken
By meds I’ve been takin’
I’m stuck in the hoarse buggy daze

“I am not a banker,” said Joan
To her boyfriend out buying a home
“It’s not about rates,”
She most clearly states,
“When I say I will get you alone”

We’re searching for arsonist Ben
One of Portland’s most wanted of men
He’s so hard to catch
His weapon’s a match
Let’s find him ‘fore he strikes again

From high school, you longed to be free
Now you’ve done that spectacularly
From all of our crew
Welcome to OSU
We’re happy you’re here in BB

Ms Obama is working, you see
Getting people to eat healthily
When she goes to the store
She’ll likely buy more
Of her favorite food – Barackoli

Cheese making explosions, you see
In France make a mess in 3D
The walls blow away
Everything goes astray
And all that is left is da brie

That auto repair shop makes sense
In claims it makes, for all intents
With letters quite bold
Their story is told
“Will You Please Let Us Have the Next Dents?”

A chicken was feeling alarmed
And in fact was quite up in arms
Her parents had died
And so now, she cried
Her new home was at Foster Farms

The sales person hoped to succeed
With a pitch that he tried to force feed
By telling me often
I needed a coffin
I said that’s the last thing I need

On the latest test I was confused
By the math trigonometers use
It went rather fast
I hope that I passed
I don’t have a secant to lose

The butler the police interviewed
Forgot his false teeth and is screwed
Got arrested right there
He hasn’t a prayer
For doing undentured servitude

Dear Ellen I try to console her
Each time her fiance acts colder
This guy is a rat
A strong acrobat
Who has a big chap on his shoulder

In the Arctic a funeral is mellow
The music is played with a cello
In the dark of December
No burial – remember
They freeze a jolly good fellow

The guy who was high acted mad
Screwing up his perception a tad
He should see a physician
About his condition
Cuz he was meth-ed up very bad

The little ant kid raves and rants
Wondering how he has his circumstance
He isn’t amused
In fact, he’s confused
Seems all of his uncles are ants
(Thanks to Lisa Lin for the pun)

The cricketers tried to explain
To the prince who was apt to complain
How their match would postpone
His ascent to the throne
Yes, the reign was delayed by a game

The husband of my sister Heather
Just cannot get his act together
He’s getting derision
For much indecision
This guy is so under the whether

The young rooster was really a fool
Too much talking and breaking of rules
Then to his dismay
Got sent home one day
For using fowl language in school

With each football seasn in fall
Tom Brady did toss a football
Even if twas deflated
He’d still act frustrated
The best whining percentage of all

An optometrist out in Tacoma
Is treating my buddy’s glaucoma
What remains unexplained
Is how well he’s trained
With only an eye school diploma

The tailor has cut and has slimmed
The church choir’s robes given him
But everyone’s dissing
Cuz something is missing
I guess they all need to be hymned

Someone told them that they should have sold it
At least that’s how my buddy told it
Whatever is true
The business is through
The maker of blankets has folded

The sailor is smiling much more
With a mermaid he truly adores
The guy was quite brave
Pulling her from the waves
He says she was worth wading for

The furniture manager, Zeke
Told the customer whom he should seek
To acquire some wood
From China that’s good
He said to go find “Chung in teak”

When I learned of one fact I said “wow”
Cuz I know the secret right now
I could, if you please
Make lots of Swiss cheese
If I had just one holey cow

The perfumist creating incense
Keeps an eye on his products’ expense
Here’s one rule of thumb
The profits come from
Just minding the dollars and scents

The battery sends out its greetings
With a hope that it won’t be repeating
The rather long binge
That got things unhinged
So now he attends AA meetings

Needing fragrance to dab on my head
I searched for some perfume with Fred
But found some frustration
One unscented station
“Out of odor” its little sign said

It’s true on the special occasion
Of your very important donation
That the generous gift
Will truly truly uplift
Needy students here in Beaver Nation

The thief at his trial’s defense
Said the crime didn’t make any sense
Periods and commas
Were taken from dramas
The judge gave him one long sentence

As a limericist I’m telling you
My words really aren’t hard to chew
So don’t be afraid
With language portrayed
It’s just a phrase I’m going through

Though the ad campaign stated quite clear
How the clothiers hoped to appear
They had to refuse
And cancel the use
Of “Go Out & Get Your Aspen Gear”

The margarine guy said “Hee-Haw”
His sister’s new husband named Shaw
Is rather well bred
And has quite a spread
He’s awesome, that butter-in-law

It is hard to believe Cindy Noxer
A girl who’s a real bobby-soxer
Is now a success
Working at UPS
Where she’s a professional boxer

The work of the dentist in serving
His patients is truly unswerving
He gets mighty praise
Working with the decays
But each root canal is unnerving

With Tom’s fractured nose out of place
It’s upended his gambling ways
He’s played his last joker
There’ll be no more poker
Because he can’t keep a straight face

That Marlboro sure is a nut
Always says what he feels in his gut
Like today in the mall
When he gave me a call
He thought someone checked out his butt

A Chevrolet Volt in the chase
Was trying to keep up the pace
But a Ford’s tires squealing
Left him just a-feeling
Madagascar beat him in the race

When Jack climbed the beanstalk up higher
The giant’s voice made him perspire
A policeman he passed
Said he climbed way too fast
Inquiring, “So where is the fier?”

Count Dracula has a bad dream
That often will follow this theme
He’s feeling a fright
Standing out in the light
And forgets to put on his sun scream

The earnest young fisherman Brett
Fell in love with a lovely brunette
He knew that this lass
Would help him catch bass
When she told him that she was Annette

The new anatomical prof
Told students enough was enough
Don’t needle the spine
On froggy’s neckline
Or else it will get all pithed off

Out at State Farm the agent extends
A payment to tie up loose ends
This brings to a close
What the owner now knows
All the ways that a Mercedes bends

Will the bartender’s words slowly bring
Some peace to his bar’s western wing?
He said “Sit at the table”
“You old jumper cable”
“But please do not start anything”

His musical taste no one knocks
From baroque to some good techno rock
The reason for why
Is this classical guy
Started thinking outside of the Bachs

Out of courtroom the particle marched
The public’s outrage much enlarged
It’s a sign of the times
For atomic-al crimes
That a neutron just cannot be charged

Consider Professor McPeep
Whose lectures are certainly deep
He’s rather dismayed
Because he gets paid
To talk in another one’s sleep

The Antarctic fishermen still
Report that they get quite a thrill
Their common response?
They feel like James Bonds
Cuz they’ve got a license to krill

A wedding is coming our way
The bride’s and the groom’s biggest day
To get it down right
The rehearsal’s tonight
Much “I do’s” about nothing, I’d say