Silly

The sexiest wizard
You’ll ever know
Went by the name
Of Merlin Monroe

That guy on the bike
Calms me down when I’m upset
It’s part of his job
He’s a cycleogist

Daylight savings time for boyfriends
She observed most certainly
Which explains why
She sprung forward over me

The Cheshire Cat
One must concede
Is clearly part of
A vanishing breed

Blueberry, strawberry, cherry
Cut ‘em or carve ‘em, don’t ask why
No matter how you slice it
It’s still pie

It’s really true
And not a joke
Emoji users
Are symbol-minded folk

I wish that we were near the ending
Of overuse of the word ‘trending’

His compulsive gambling
Is so out of whack
His girlfriend left
And he’ll never win her back

For all the things you wish you were
In any situation
Your brain has been provided with
A great imagination

But for the way you truly are
Before, right now, and after
It is the reason you possess
A very hearty laughter

(Derived from Francis Bacon)

The doctor’s message
Was my worst fear
She said I was deaf
That was difficult to hear

I bet you didn’t know the floor
Was there until it beckoned
You hit a peel and then went down
In one bananosecond

She wanted to pose for Playboy
But never got the chance
Now she’s very happy
In her pants

“Is it just me, or is the dog gaining weight?”
I asked out of the blue
My wife shook her head and laid it out straight
“Nope. Just you”

I saw some hippies in a line
When I was on vacation
It seems that they were waiting to
Get into the grass station

They gave to him a lot of cheese
It truly was a plateful
Tom thanked them all for shredding it
Explaining he was grateful

I’m feeling very buff today
Of this there is no doubt
Because inside that store just now
A cashier checked me out

How come they spell it ’t-h-e-y’?
I admit I’m confused
Because “T-h-a-y”
Has never been used

The country singer, Charley Pride
Passed over to the other side
So now it’s true when people say
He’ll “Kiss an Angel Good Morning” every day

As she plugged the car in, her face looked bad
Dour and certainly jolting
When I asked her what was wrong, she said
“My Tesla, it’s revolting”

Though I clearly
Stated wishes
No one ever
Did the dishes

Slum lords, wow
How do they sleep?
Making premises
They don’t keep

My daughter is certainly
Very slender
So if she will not wear a belt
I’ll suspender

Keep the ropes and strings apart
If your aim is staying neat
A good rule for remembering this
Is “Ne’er the twine shall meet”

Of the two letters A
In AARDVARK you see
One of them’s sitting there
Silently

I learned today
From plumber Bob
On-demand hot water
Is a tankless job

A recent development
Wasn’t surprising
When a gravity denier
Started an uprising

Panama’s canal
Is truly great
A very massive
Inside strait

Talk is cheap, I used to think
But my premise fell flat
With a single comment from my friend,
“Try telling a lawyer that”

Word received
From India now
Indicates the Delhi llama
Is the new sacred cow

The galvanizer
Quite headstrong
Had a zincing feeling
He was wrong

I asked the lone wolf
He did not hold back
No bumming cigarettes
Without a pack

The best way ahead
Out of this mess
Is for a wave of unemployment
To work through Congress

I always strive
To stay hydrated
Of course, that includes
Carbohydrated

In Ireland, they cheer
When their team wins
Yelling for
The Dublin Mint Twins

A PRESBYTERIAN on his knees
Is not so very rare
I’ve heard them claim that they’re the ones
Who are the BEST IN PRAYER

Paul McCartney’s talented
His music, out of sight
And now, on top of everything
He’s a Hard Day’s Knight

The Pillsbury Doughboy
On command
Goes to potty
In a bread pan

Protecting chickens
Around the clock
A rooster is simply
An alarm cock

When you feel that life
Is treating you raw
Take it with a grain of salt,
And a slice of lemon, and tequil – ah

When the elevator crashed
Some people cried
It was the day
The Muzak died

Airline prices
Are never set
There’s too much paying
Hard to get

I feel I’m good for everything
Because it now appears
My imaginary service dog
Fights hypochondric fears

I went to Schrodinger’s to have dessert
It was a very good thing to do
Because he gave me the option
Of having my cake and eating it too

Regarding a
Redundancy theme
Consider the sinking
Of submarines

Sorghum is a grain that’s grown
To churn molasses out
And also something you may need
To tell a dentist about

A crazy female
Deer you know
Is called by bucks
“A real weirdoe”

If you’re looking for “Some Party Fun”
On this topic many grapple
Until they find the book that’s by
The man called Bob Frapples

Boosting attendance
Is one of their goals
So theaters are serving
Cinema rolls

I don’t know how many
Dorian Gray jokes I’ve told
But no matter what happens
They never get old

My friend who earns
A library wage
Is Mrs. Turner
First name, Paige

My vacuum cleaner
Is broken, yuck
It really sucks
When it doesn’t suck

When it comes to hospitality
The definition I prefer
Is the way you make folks feel at home
Even when you wish they were

The old woman who lives in a shoe
Has a boyfriend she thinks is great
Apparently she is telling her friends
That he is her sole mate

This medical thought
For me just clicked
A chiropractor
Is a crack addict

The bill for my fake hair
Somehow got missed
But now it’s on
My “To-pay” list

Miley wasn’t feeling well
Sitting all alone
So she called up her boss
And said she’d twerk from home

Restless in bed
Over and over I turn
Will I today
Be the bird or the worm?

Life is a fairy tale
With love and pain and laughter
Except not necessarily
Happily ever after

Frank Sinatra bought a car
When down in Malibu
He got it for its license plate
2B2B2

The truth travels slowly
And there’s a good reason why
It bothers to read the fine print
Everyone else passes by

“We treat you like family”
The sign did say
So from that store
I stayed away

With respect to our local
Salad bar, please . . .
I stay home when they’re serving
Macaroni and Sneeze®

The Prague trampoline park
Is good for a flex
But it’s better known for
Bouncing Czechs

On Christmas day
It’s been clearly shown
Unwrapping gifts
Makes your presents known

That bride to be
Who’s getting kissed
Come wedding day
Will she be dismissed?

The pasta factory
Gave me the shakes
And fired me for making
A fusilli mistakes

A very expensive rental car
I got despite alerts
And now as I prepare to pay
It Hertz

Though some New Yorkers
Have bad habits
In the capitol
They’re Albany Rabbits

Whene’er my eye
Detects an onion
It becomes
A very runnion

Of modern trends
The worst I see
Is the globalization
Of idiocy

I was having a serious talk today
But I’m afraid I had to stop it
Because it is so difficult
Telling highways they’re adopted

I’ve come to the conclusion
Writing is a terrible curse
Cuz if the greatest things are left unsaid
There’s no hope for this verse

Some people have
Eating snobbery
To them a diet’s
High weigh robbery

That wizard cook
Baked expertly
So very good at
Saucery

The Wisconsin team’s fans
Stretch out to the Rockies
We’re speaking of
The Milwaukee Talkies

The Romaine empire’s fallen
Its outlook is grim
Great Caesar is dead
Brutus kaled him

That angry guy
Has reached the stage
Where high blood pressure
Is all the rage

Time began with a bang
And all of space did too
It shouldn’t be surprising then that
So did you

The time for celebrating Christmas is here
With millions hailing the Messiah
As for me, “All I Want for Christmas”
Is no more Mariah

They call her a suicide blond
And I understand
It’s because this lady
Dyes by her own hand

Foxtrot, charleston and the watusi
Make me question “What’s the usi?”
Cuz each requires a sense of rhythm
I ain’t got that, so I can’t dance wythm

I could not do castrations
Way too many pitfalls
Cuz I am overly timid
And that job takes a lot of balls

At our local coffee shop
The baristas like to say
They’re happy to make the drinks to go
Or, if you’re rude,
To go away

(Thanks to Indira Rajagopal for the idea)

I balance a ball atop my head
Don’t know how long ’twill last
I know that I must walk quite slow
Or it falsify move too fast

He complains about her night and day
And never does respect her
I guess that must be why they say
He’s an unconscientious objector

The coxswain leading
That boat load
Must feel like he’s
King of the Rowed

Modern communication
Connects distant places
But when done at the table
Obstructs family faces

Pasta, pesto, pizza
Describes so very neataly
The reason why I think they should
Rename the country Eataly

My dermatologist’s
Standing tall
Her son is going
To collagen the fall

Carl Sagan thought
The idea dumb
There are billions of reasons
He won’t come

I do not want to
Go back to clerking
My unemployment plan
Isn’t working

There is no need
To discuss it further
An Indian bread maker
Is a naan essential worker

Brian’s afraid of the apocalypse
He fears the zombies tons
Cuz he thinks he’ll be targeted
By all dyslexic ones

Sometimes at night I feel a pull
Whene’er the moon is full
If I should take it for a ride
Would that mean I’m fit to be tide?

I worked in glue, but now I’m blue
There’s no way to wordsmith it
The problem was, I think because
I just could not stick with it

The tiny leaf that just fell down
Is a genealogist to be
From his perspective on the ground
He can look up his family tree

If marriage is a lottery
On which you can bet
Then alimony surely
Is a gambling debt

I fought organ transplants
And did my part
Until one day
I had a change of heart

The cheap guitars
Have not been snatched
I wonder why?
No strings attached

That lazy guy is napping
He doesn’t have a plan
The problem is he suffers from
A short intention span

A tiny turtle
Looking dapper
Cries cuz he’s
A weeper snapper

I studied hard to become a magician
But now I have depression
Because I failed the big exam
Too many trick questions

Poop jokes, I admit
I know a few
They’re not my faves
But a solid number 2

The Hug Hotline’s phone machine
Has a message very bold
It simply states
“Please Hold”

Two pills at the pharmacy
Were getting along rather fine
One looked at the other and said
So, your placebo mine?

Making thermometers
For work’s very odd
But I’m not concerned
It’s only a temp job

A paper bag
Said to his wife
“I’m glad we have”
“A good sacks life”

Backpacking, you say?
I don’t know why
Cuz it’s better to let
Sleeping bags lie

With Mickey, Mike and Davy
He was a 60s whiz
Now Peter Tork has gone away
No more Monkee biz

At the bee
I didn’t do well
With “D-I-Z-I-E”
I had a bad dizzy spell

I needed a turkey thermometer
And so I had to stop
Down by the waterfront
At the mom and popup shop

Running on treadmills
Clearly illustrates
People can go nowhere
At different rates

That broken mirror
I say to thee
Is not a true
Reflection of me

A crime has been committed
And a new Wanted poster’s arrived
It concerns Schrodinger’s cat
Wanted, Dead and Alive

The heart surgeon told him
To be careful with eating
And to be kind to his aorta
It’s taking a beating

A puppy howling
To a vet appears
The Hound of Music
To her ears

A simple fact
That’s good to know
Work is the yeast
That raises the dough

For fighting off
Sleeping’s gods
Coffee helps you
Beat the nods

It certainly was met
With cynicism
My tabby’s conversion
To Catolicism

The wizard isn’t
Doing well
Because it seems
This guy can’t spell

Musing
Choosing
Amusing
Cruising
Excusing
Losing

I offer advice
To all of the masses
People in stone houses
Shouldn’t throw glasses

I never let aging get me down
It’s my own personal zen
Because I know that I would have
Trouble getting up again

Our local boat club
Threw me for a loop
When I learned they had
A great pier group

I flew in with canned spaghetti
For my job it was required
I only have one thing to say
“Boyardees arms tired”

On the matter of getting older
I have an improved outlook
Cuz I realize my age is finally
Catching up with the way I look

To get a haircut
Cheap or free
Go to the Hair
BNB

My friend, the dope
Of oversight is wary
And that’s why he asks
“Is editors necessary?”

Mocking Russians
Can be bombastic
But if they’re rulers
You’re czarcastic

Taylor Swift
Chose Travis Kelce
In preference to
Everyone else

That lady said she writes from pain
It’s all about her self
A drama queen and poet
But I repeat myself

I’m happy say
With impunity
Pharmacists are pillers
Of their communities

My favorite guitar got stolen
And I am very upset
The police said not to worry
But it’s so hard not to fret

When it comes to aspirations
Aiming high is quite the boon
Remember no one ever heard
Of the cow jumping under the moon

Jack and Jill got married
Their decision, very quick
It was just like a candle, though
Cuz it only lasted a wick

The worst dentist in our town
Can no longer ignore it
Everyone knows it’s true because
Of the plaque he has to show for it

All over the world
Same old story
Shepherds nodding off
Doing inventory

My friend was confused
What cloning was
So to her I said
“That makes two of us”

A famous person
Gets their wish
From fans who make
The idol rich

If you’re looking for love
Then seek out cupid
And if your IQ’s low
There’s OK Stupid

What is the world to a phone?
It’s the thing that you use to call home
After doing the dialing
Everybody is smiling
With it, you are never alone

If a ghost is what
You aim to please
Then onto its bagel
Put scream cheese

Your dog ate my Birks
And caused a schism
In fact, I’d call it
Sandalism

If life is a giant canvas
A part of some grand design
Remember the very best paintings
Weren’t made by staying in the lines

The meteorologist’s spouse
Has abilities unsurpassed
Predicting every night’s dinner
With an accurate forkcast

(Thanks to Indira for the pun idea)

Delusional patients
Will confess
It’s notion sickness
They possess

I think it is
Rather cute
When precision skydivers
Point and chute

When famous people trip and fall down
They do not make a sound
Unless the paparazzi
Are around

He drinks because she scolds
She scolds because he drinks
And the other one is very wrong
That’s just what each one thinks

Brilliant yellows bursting from Earth
Mother Nature giving birth
My gardening wife, views ’em cryin’
Planted daffodils, got dandelions

On the ark
Built by Noah
A pregnant snake
Had a baby boa

A lemon got sick
But had to grin
When the doc declared
She’d squeeze him in

I couldn’t play my clarinet
No matter what I did
It’s all screwed up and I’m upset
To own a wouldn’twind

I fell down and knocked out a tooth
The landing hard, not gentle
I guess that you could say it was
Completely accidental

For English mothers
It’s absurd
Remember that
“Mum’s” the word

A bagel is a breakfast thing
For some it’s much preferred
And also a description of
A kind of harbor bird

Jumping into a Nescafe vat
Wasn’t a very smart stunt
Because the guy who did it
Died in an instant

Bill pours strong foundations
By the yard or by the meter
He’s famous now and people call him
William the Concreter

A baker bakes a lot of bread
But some he just discards
By stacking fifty two of those
He has a deck of carbs

You know you’re getting old
When everything seems to ache
And also when your birthday candles
Cost more than the cake

Gold colored objects
Nicely built
Are what I love
My admission of gilt

The limitations
Of modern man
Are 4K screens
With 1K attention spans

I feel quite ill on weekdays, but
My symptoms, doc dismissed ‘em
I think it may be because I have
A weekend immune system

College conference realignment
Is getting more insane
Because just now the Pac-4
Made an offer to Ukraine

When Porky Pig
Mysteriously died
The sheriff called it
Hamicide

What about the people
Who sneer at someone smugly?
And then declare to all nearby
That they are PRETTY UGLY