Silly

If a writer can write
And a singer can sing
Then what about fingers
Why can they not fing?

The young med student
Studying the ass
Took the constipation exam
But didn’t pass

The honey bees
Are needing savin’
So I made for the queens
“Missbeehaven”

To combat a world
With much unfairness
I eat dried grapes
For raisin awareness

Although it might cause me
Bodily harm
To be ambidextrous
I’d give my right arm

Forever and a day
Infinity plus one
No one can ever
Do either one

The pen is mightier than the sword
Written, not brutal law
In Japan, the same expression is
Haiku d’etat

Their Xmas gifts were identical
A fact that soon unfurled
Each one a very tiny globe
It’s a small world

Conformity is a mindless game
Everyone aiming to be the same
I do not like to be alike, hence
I strive to make differents

A fiancee who’s
An inspiration
Can become a spouse
Of exasperation

Here is a concept
I know you can grasp
The brightest snake out there
Is a big smart asp

It wasn’t meteors
Or hanging out in bars
What killed T. rex
Was Dino SARS

They gave to him a lot of cheese
It truly was a plateful
Tom thanked them all for shredding it
Explaining he was grateful

“Do you know where to get a toupee?”
My good buddy said
I smiled and replied
“Not off the top of my head”

In spring, a little hummingbird male
Makes flower bouquets with nectar
Cuz when he calls upon a mate
He hopes it will attrectar

Goldfish circling in a bowl
Inside the only shape it knows
The world is blurry, where’er it goes

No words, no songs, no alphabet
It thinks that everything is wet

Does it have dreams and aspirations?
Another bowl? Long vacations?
Better food or situations?

I’m glad that I am not a fish
Where I could be a dinner dish

My critics as a group have shared
An action that has hurt
Collectively they all have dared
To ignore my latest work

When your mother’s mother goes
And phones you from her van
Speed dialing is the way she calls
That is one instagram

Sleep comes naturally
To me, I suppose
Cuz I can do it
With my eyes closed

A scofflaw photon went too fast
And now has great lament
Because a local judge decreed
To prism it should be sent

Big Ben’s repairers
Walk the walk
And they will work
Around the clock

Winter has no limits
For snow or dark or cold
If misery were fortune
Winter would be gold

Bagels aren’t stolen in NYC
But it isn’t special zen
The reason they’re protected is cuz
They all have lox on them

The colander app I downloaded
Has left me just complaining
Cuz every time I use it
My battery starts draining

I hope you like my hairpiece
I got it on sale today
It really was a bargain
Such a small price toupee

Edison’s acting negative
About it, what a schlup!
If he comes to the party
Let’s hope he lightens up

I’m frustrated with my shrink
And there is no denying it
He told me that I’m stingy
But sorry, I’m not buying it

Needs
Seeds
Breeds
Weeds

My friend got Botox
It’s good and how
When I whine at her
No raised eyebrow

You asked me,
“What did Colonel Mustard do?”
I’m sorry, but
I have no Clue

The editor said
My writing’s not deft
I think the problem
Is that she’s tome deaf

The dealer of some fine used cars
Whose lot is down the street
Says “If You Should Miss One Payment”
“You’ll Be Back On Your Feet”

I have a problem with Twitter
It’s a bad addiction, you see
But when I told my doc about it
She said she didn’t follow me

Frank Sinatra bought a car
When down in Malibu
He got it for its license plate
2B2B2

For the stock market pundit
The economy is an obsession
He’s amazing in predicting
Six of the last two recessions

My sinuses are awful
It’s very plain to see
A plot’s been hatched unlawful
Mucosa Nostra’s after me

An arsonist really
Isn’t fun
At a party
They just heat and run

To burglarize is stealing things
We know that it is true
They also are the things through which
The thief is seeing you

Each time my consuming
Of pain killers commences
I begin taking
Aleve of my senses

Two young seals got in trouble
And their bottoms are very sore
It all came down to one mistake
They went clubbing the night before

That thing around you bubble or shell?
Here’s an easy way to tell
If you blow it, it’s a bubble, but
It’s a shell if you’re a nut

The midget attack
Sent me to the hospital
All I remember
Is very little

Crawling, scratching pooping louse
Scurrying around my tiny house
Eliciting a scream from my spouse
Why are you so enormouse?

Wild ideas these days
Are all the rage
My daughter a thespian?
I think it’s a stage

Those beers with hops
That I have got
Are really good
But IPA lot

My recent speech
Went very sour
With laryngitis
One hoarse power

Most Romans consider
Him an old geezer
When Cleopatra passes
Julius Caesar
(Say the last line slowly)

When Starbucks had
No espresso
My feelings, sad
I’m depresso

Anytime you feel you should speak
About what you feel in your gut
Remember that fish get in trouble
By not keeping their mouths shut

My dog likes getting table scraps
She eats them with aplomb
I think it would be healthier if
She ate them with a plum

That plumber might seem quite boring
But isn’t, in reality
Thanks to his possessing
A multi-fauceted personality

I like my meditation
I like reciting chants
And when I do deep breathing
It’s just my yoga pants

Stand beside my clone?
Strange you should ask me to do it
Because, as a matter of fact,
I am juxtaposed to it

In their singles’ ads
Ewes will state
That each of them
Is a sheep date

Time worked against me
Then I got it straight
‘Til you show up for something
You cannot be late

That heated car seat
Must have cost her
Cuz it’s a great
Rear defroster

Two green plants were deep in love
Climbing towards the skies
When one could not keep up the pace
The other photosympathized

The moon is full of dust
But no one seems to care
And cleaning couldn’t be easier
The vacuum’s everywhere

Why it doesn’t get cleaned
Is a question most deluxe
Because no matter where you go
It sucks

If you’re dancing happily on cloud nine
Way up in the air
Please be careful not to step over the line
It’s a long fall down from there

I’m happy it’s Awareness Awareness Week
The reason is because
It makes a lot more sense to me
Than Obliviousness Awareness Week was

Parting the waters of the Bering Sea
Is something I suppose is
A power of the superhero
Known as Eskimoses

As your career takes off one day
I hope you will recall
That the top rung of the ladder
Is the easiest place from which to fall

He mocked the spaghetti
Deserved what he got
Seems he just
Hit a sauce spot

For garbage trucks
I have a proposal
A motto that reads
“Always at your disposal”

That drunk is certainly
Quite a louse
Always there
In the pour house

The IRS
It has been recorded
Thinks the wages of sin
Are grossly unreported

I met an air traffic controller
And loved her from afar
I’m very sad it didn’t work out
I wasn’t on her radar

Various things
In my garden are squirming
And make me think of
Global worming

Insomnia certainly
Makes me weep
And until I cure it
I will not sleep

That mechanic keeps
The waitress guessing
Will he get salad
With wrench dressing?

They asked what happened in Rome to my ears
That I had treated so shittily
I explained the resulting problem
By saying “Deaf in Italy”

When doing inseams
To the hem
Seamstresses have
Their work cut out for them

Don’t get me wrong
I love infants a bunch
But from the mouth of babes
Often comes lunch

An arsonist knows
He’ll have to pay
If he commits
Crime brûlée

A sign I saw
Made me say “Wow”
It said “To be a thespian”
“You must act now”

Poop jokes, I admit
I know a few
They’re not my faves
But a solid number 2

Services of a knight
Can be rather large
Because you are assessed
A big Sir charge

The guy with the wrinkled shirt
Thinks it is sufficient
To say that he
Is iron deficient

Fall is the time
Of year, you know
When leaves get raked
So there’s room for the snow

I told him he’d had too much to drink
And wouldn’t get very far
He discovered I was right when he
Got run over by a parked car

As Shakespeare was composing Hamlet
An interruption ensued
So he stopped the effort and wrote
“To be or not . . . . “ (to be continued)

A doily collector
Very eager
Really is
A frill seeker

(Thanks to Indira Rajagopal for the idea)

Van Gogh will likely not be there
There’s no way he’ll commit
In fact, when asked if he would come
He wouldn’t ‘ear of it

The sun’s so bright today
I hope it passes
But until it does
My sunglasses need sunglasses

Forsooth, please speak with only truth
If you hopeth to be quoth
When should one do this – aged or youth?
The answer – surely buoth

It’s good to know one waiter helps
The diners get their fill
And they know what is coming when
They look and see their Bill

To lose some weight, you’ll have to turn
Your eating down a notch
It means watching everything you eat
Not eating everything you watch

At the cat rescue center
I give kitties showers
But I don’t do it much anymore
Cuz they reduced meowers

The cafe failed its health inspection
And she cleaned its tables
Which is why they call her
Anne of Green Bagels

When menopause
Came with a bang
One woman joined
The over the pill gang

No kids arose
From his spore
Because of what
The trojan wore

Her snootiness shows
In the items she’s chosen
Preferring fresh ice
To the stuff that is frozen

My bird is sick
I need expertise
He’s got chirpies bad,
A canarial disease

When one spouse asked
“Do you listen to what I state?”
The reply was quick
“Thanks, honey. A beer sounds great”

“My lady friend did not show up”
“I guess romance is dead”
“It hurts me most inside my chest”
Half-heartedly Tom said

Of my poverty
There is no sense
Cuz I’m too poor
To make jokes at my own expense

The speed of light’s a limiting thing
Important for every planet
And they give astronomical fines
For going faster than it

(Published in “The Stars and the Moon in the Evening Sky” by Southern Arizona Press)

It’s weird they’ve never
Asked for forgiveness
Given that Gillette’s
In a cutthroat business

Plastic surgeons
The story goes
Always let you
Pick your nose

Artificial trees
Are not a curse
They merely are
Just fake firs

My love of writing
Is undiminished
Despite a lot of
Verses unfinished

When plastic surgeons get mad
It is the case
They’re most likely to
Make a face

I feel I’m good for everything
Because it now appears
My imaginary service dog
Fights hypochondric fears

If you are what you eat
It’s a matter of concern
That so many are gobbling
Spineless worms

That haunted house, I have to say
Fails most miserably
I think the problem might be ghosts
But nothing jumps out at me

As for any battle
Napoleon could win it
And making his coat?
He had a hand in it

My luggage has personality
So I try to give it space
And every time it says it’s tired
I rest my case

Primes are unusual numbers
Unable to be divided
By any other integers
Mathematics has provided

Skeletons after Halloween
Need to be hidden away
Making them disappear’s easy
“Abra Cadaver” is what to say

A tycoon has a big lament
It seems that all his wealth he spent
And now there’s not a single cent
So that is why his fortunes went
From bacon and eggs
To achin’ and begs

Coin collectors
Say their goal
Is in their motto
“Let the good dimes roll”

And finally, I’ve caught a cold
The medicine costs many bucks
I caught it at the airport and
This TERMINAL ILLNESS sucks

Of beer, I guess
The saying is true
That it’s a solution
For what ales you

There was a faith-healing hernia doc
For whom belief was a must
And that’s why he told all his patients
“It’s in God we truss”

The meteorologist’s spouse
Has abilities unsurpassed
Predicting every night’s dinner
With an accurate forkcast

(Thanks to Indira for the pun idea)

My creaking bones are out of hand
I think I need to tone up
Cuz every time I try to stand
I turn into a groan up

At www.wetclothes.com
I had a wonderful time
A place for a great experience
Online

Lightning bug aspirations
Are true whether here or afar
Brightening nights by twinkling lights
Dreaming of being a star

My neighbor ran over
My platypus
Leaving me with
A duck-billed flatypus

A forgetful sperm
According to lore
Can’t remember what
He came to the womb for

That new butterfly
Is feeling alright
He never metamorphosis
He didn’t like

A naked mole rat’s never cold
Whenever it is naked, holed
They’re very odd to look at, those
But not as strange as ones with clothes

The microbiologist
Says that she’s
One who likes
Taking cellfies

What is the world to a mole?
It’s surrounded by dirt in a hole
They are known to be thorough
Digging deep in a burrow
And that is the mole’s tiny role

A magician is in trouble
A sad but accurate fact
It seems that he’s been sawing
A woman behind his wife’s back

Fixing tires
Expertly
Requires a rather
Big flat fee

It’s time to make up your mind
It really would be prudent
To be one or the other
Instead of a GRADUATE STUDENT

The cloner of deer
Is now having fits
Awaiting a batch of
Doe-It-Yourself kits

With my Amana oven
I have a major irk
Because its “Stop Time” button
Doesn’t ever work

The cheap guitars
Have not been snatched
I wonder why?
No strings attached

No need to be
In a hurry folks
If you plan to watch
The Oslo Pokes

The local Anti-Social Club
Announced now in a tweet
That they for sure do not have
Any plans to meet

A motor home
Is really great
An investment in
Wheel estate

“Is it just me, or is the dog gaining weight?”
I asked out of the blue
My wife shook her head and laid it out straight
“Nope. Just you”

NFL running backs make great trauma surgeons
Don’t look at me and scoff
I mean, consider how good they are
At taking a handoff

I make mistakes in my writing
And often hedge
Which always keeps me
On eraser’s hedge

A pair of shoes discussing life
Conclude it can’t be understood
Until they’ve walked a mile
On the other one’s foot

The driveway gave me
Some gestault
When I skinned a knee
My dumb asphalt

Ms Flanders was a versatile lass
Besides being a lovely doll
On the side she sold electrical stuff
So they called her Outlet Moll

The Stradivarius book thief
Committed sins
And also has
“A History of Violins”

Bulbs are plants beneath the Earth
Pushing shoots up through the ground
When it’s windy, for what it’s worth
Their genitals will wave around

My carpentry exam
Through it I sailed it
In fact, I feel
I really nailed it

At the Don Rickles web site
Each time you choose
You have to use
Put-down menus

The Parisian guy knows
He’s found satisfaction
At a French Domino’s
Called “A Pizza D’Action”

Two bed bugs
Have got this thing
They’re getting married
In the spring

The tree surgeon did a wonderful job
Trimming my tree just now
In fact, he is so proud of it
He’s out there taking a bough

Most happily
The chemist sings
“I like to keep”
“Anion things”

A Ryder van
So they say
Goes to haul and back
Every day

Memorial services
Aim to please
But way too late
For honorees

Sigmund Freud
Is gonna skip
Sadly he’s gonna
Let this one slip

After nine lives
A cat awaits
Entrance to
The purrly gates

That germ just could not
Be denied
It crossed the ‘scope
To get to the other slide

The water climbing through her hair
Certainly did surprise her
She claims that it must be due
To her brand new moisture riser

I really must be
A musical noob
I got Straussed learning
The Blue Danube

Keebler’s got a cookie new
That critics are not praisin’
Some call it Chips Annoy, that’s true
Because they’ve added raisin