Silly

My computer’s broke
Rather cheesy
Shattered into
Bits and PCs

If marriage is a lottery
On which you can bet
Then alimony surely
Is a gambling debt

For language folks
Remember this bit
If ’t’ was silent
You’d never hear the end of it

In modern times, it’s gotten so bad
That no one’s ever slim
If Dickens told Scrooge’s tale today
There’d be Gigantic Tim

My religion is trigonometry
The truth is in math, I find
And when I go to confession
“Forgive me for I have sined”

The angry fisherman
Loudly swearing
Got taken to court
For a herring

My chickens are having a hard time
I keep hearing all of their moans
But the Colonel gave strict instructions
It’s hard growing them without bones

“We treat you like family”
The sign did say
So from that store
I stayed away

The train engineer
Oft ignored
Has a very good
Track record

“Alive, yet dead,”
My buddy joked
Because, you see
His pet frog croaked

Oh isn’t our world
Very keen
When any old cow
Can be a Dairy Queen?

For stores, the annual holiday sales
Are starting earlier than I remember
So I’m expecting after-Christmas sales
Beginning in November

I had an aneurysm in the Middle East
So cranial care was urgent
Fortunately I got worked on by
An excellent Bahrain surgeon

The toppermost dolphin
Of all dolphin groups
Is well aware getting there
Means jumping through hoops

The burning and itching
Discomfort most broadly
My sunburned skin
A hemorrhoid of the body

The young med student
Studying the ass
Took the constipation exam
But didn’t pass

I drove to the Yukon
In my car
To get a drink
In a Klondike bar

A Terrier and a Bulldog would
Sure be a cross to mull
On second thought I am afraid
It might be Terribull

70% of me is rain, rivers, and ocean
So I’m partly an old salt
The land of the world makes up the rest
And that is why I have my faults

The Eydie Gormé menu
Is what you order from
These were many tasty things on it
I’m hungry, yummy yum

I put upon my head my hat
And on my feet my shoes
But forgot what goes on in between
Hey look, I’m on the evening news

Photos in Playboy
Of a bare modern muse
Make for self image dysphoria –
Bawdy issues creating body issues

If you aspire to “Archery”
Be careful, there is peril
As you will learn by reading from
The book by Beau N. Arrow

A British town has disappeared
According to all the news feeds
It’s a mystery just how it happened
Police are searching for Leeds

Can a software writer
Who is reviled
Discover she’s been
Decompiled?

When a teetotaler’s day is through
They’re looking for a special brew
That’ll lift the spirit
Without lifting a spirit

Jeez, it’s hot here
In fact, hot enough
That the garlic
Has taken its cloves off

The fashion designer knew the price was high
And was sure he’d have to beg
Cuz they told him what he wanted cost
An Armani leg

It’s interesting
What they produce
iPhone chargers
Make Apple juice

The subject of geography
Is one that I despise
For example, I thought Tripoli
Was just a wide shoe size

An alternative to think about
Should omelettes be the dregs
Is getting just a simple meal
Of Kevin Bacon and Eggs

What I’m doing’s quite mind numbing
So take this job and shove it
If work were truly valuable
The rich would own all of it

Everything
A poet produces
Arises from
The words they uses

In writing
Avoid grief
B brief

They asked if I could write a verse
That would be loved by everyone
I said I might, if the wording’s right
But this is not the one

Tim never cracked a book
And so it came to pass
That he found history will repeat itself
He failed the class

Debt is really an awful thing
No wonder people begrudge it
Some claim it will not leave you
Unless you budge it

(Thanks to Lani Roberts for the idea)

Oh boy, how I miss
The good ole days
When we talked about how
We missed the good ole days

I like to go to Costco
And here’s the reason why
Because I like to wave at
The people going buy

The bird apartment manager
Has one task he must do
Collecting pay from occupants
Whenever wrent is due

Isaac Newton
Watching apples deduced
Gravity is something
Mass produced

My poetic pen has lost its clout
No rhymes from it burst forth
I’d like to have it stand and shout
If I could, of corth

I’d work at the fire hydrant factory
But for this one care
It’s totally illegal
To park there

The podium maker
Knows it all too well
Someone is gonna stand behind
Everything he sells

I sensed a fish was near me
In detection I excelled
But it was all too easy
Because it smelt

In King Arthur’s day
The wizards knew quite well
That you would lose your job
If you couldn’t spell

He sleeps eight hours every day
And though that’s just about right
He also puts in another
Ten of them at night

A deli addiction
Is rather quirky
But you can break it
Just quit cold turkey

She forgot how to use
The mouse she picked
Til all of a sudden
Something clicked

A drink of beer
At home at night
Helps me to wet
My appetite

Unlike others
Whose visits make you froth and foam
The ideal guest
Never comes to your home

You can be a writer
Don’t be deterred
Remember each poem
Starts with a single word

An arbitrator settles things
Between two fighting Ronalds
But also is a cook who moves
From Arby’s to MacDonalds

In a previous life
I was me
That’s just how boring
I tend to be

A dog I saw
Made me nervous
Converting the floor
To a pup lick surface

When I exceeded
The speed of light
I learned
It wasn’t right

“You broke the law”
They told me, shrieking
And I was,
Relatively speaking

For parents dealing
With the virus scene
The worst part is
A quaranteen

You’ve gotta hand it to him
Again and again
What else to do
With an armless man?

Reporters in Norway
Sometimes say
That it is
Oslo news day

At the spelling bee
The choir boy grinned
“Forgive me father”
“For I have synned”

The tragedy Titanic had
Upon its maiden mission
Was hardly one for the lobsters
In the tanks inside its kitchen

Salmon transforms to grizzly
Inside a grizzly’s gut
The parts that don’t turn grizzly
Come out the grizzly’s butt

The Antisocial Society
Which started last week
Announced it has
No plans to meet

Before Maureen was famous
In another movie era
The studio simply referred to her
As “Starlet O’Hara”

A buck will get you oranges three
And maybe two cucumbers
But I am fond of 6.023
That’s avocado’s number

If the COVID caused jaundice
And problems unseen
Then we would all live
In a yellow quarantine

My skull’s the best one
I could find
I really like
This frame of mind

Go tell your tale
It’s worth defending
Pretzel making’s story
Is a happy bending

Coming up: The story of how a young musician
Was groomed
“Advice to Young Pianists”
Stay tuned

I guess I need to lose some weight
I’ll cut right to the chase
I applied to be an astronaut
But there wasn’t enough space

He was said to be open minded
And was that without a doubt
Which, of course, is an explanation
For how his knowledge leaked out

I’d look forward more
To winter time
If it would occasionally
Snow wine

What is the thinking
In this crazy town
Each house that burns up
Also burns down

The meteorologist’s spouse
Has abilities unsurpassed
Predicting every night’s dinner
With an accurate forkcast

(Thanks to Indira for the pun idea)

And what’s with the J?
As in jet, I’m not jokin’
It means MARIJUANA
Is always mis-spoken

Sipping nectar
From a plant
A hummingbird can
But a pelican’t

I went and took a giant chance
But now I’m rather sad
It was a calculated risk
But my math was very bad

Becoming this old isn’t easy
Despite how simple it appears
It requires an abundance
Of blood, sweat and years

When one spouse asked
“Do you listen to what I state?”
The reply was quick
“Thanks, honey. A beer sounds great”

The gametes are an incredible slew
You’ve really gotta love ‘em
Indeed, sperms say of eggs, it’s true
“We cannot get enough ovum”

That computer guy
I do report
Needs a lot of
Emojional support

Please correct me
If I’m wrong
But shouldn’t Catholic mass
Be Sistine minutes long?

What is the world to an eel?
An environment very unreal
Surrounded by waters
And fishes and otters
Being slimy for them is ideal

Marketing people aren’t brilliant
I know very well
Cuz they have to cut prices
On everything they sell

A leaker of the White House news
Has info that is prime
He’s like a wound-up clock, they say
Cuz that’s when he tells Time

When the sun goes down in Bangladesh
You will not need a parka
But a flashlight would be useful
Because it gets much Dhaka

The feeling I get
From my household stroll
Is Lego pieces
Are bad for the sole

She drinks too much and then she drives
Of this I’m almost certain
It’s why somebody needs to take
The keys to her Chevy Subourbon

A lawyer sued himself in court
And won it, cut and dried
But couldn’t afford the judgment
Financial suicide

Oh no, I’m sad
As I can be
My own door knob
Just turned on me

A deer in trouble
Often has
To spend some time
At Elkatraz

A medieval lord Googled “servant boy”
And then very suddenly frowned
When he espied the results it returned
‘Page not found’

Memorial services
Aim to please
But way too late
For honorees

“A fire in the produce section . . “
The report explains
“Resulted in a lot of”
“Chard remains”

My pet mouse, Elvis
Was such a sap
Just yesterday
He was caught in a trap

My cocker spaniel’s staring now
It couldn’t look much dumber
I guess it means that we’re now in
The last dog daze of summer

When two letter abbreviations
For states were required
It was a contractor
The Post Office hired

He hated it
And made a fuss
Each time they served
Despairagus

Mickey Mouse’s refusal
Has left folks rather numb
He says he’s feeling goofy
And so he cannot come

The Egyptian pyramid maker
Certainly couldn’t ignore it
An unfinished sun god monument
Due to a lack of Ra materials for it

The bakery show now
That’s on the telly
Stars Bread Pitt
And Angelina Jelly

And last not least
I offer to you
A silent Z and S
In this last RENDEZVOUS

Koreans like to
Take their dates
To go and cheer
Their own Seoul Mates

A voting booth
In a political race
Is an election’s
Mark-it place

Edible underwear’s
Getting quirky
Now they’re making
New brief jerky

Bats are embodiments of insects
And cows are that of grasses
They say we are the things we eat
I’m bothered there’s so many asses

That deaf guy’s trouble
To the nines
I really should have
Seen the signs

A pine had a truly horrid fate
When wind blew all its green away
To describe the bareness in its wake
You’d use the word ‘needleless’ to say

Marital bliss is something on which
The views are many and varied
But only after leaving paradise
Did Adam and Eve get married

When a UFO landed here the Earth
Our people were a big unknown
What the aliens found most human
Was staring at a phone

Life is a fairy tale
With love and pain and laughter
Except not necessarily
Happily ever after

My buddy the cook
Thinks he’s high steppin’
His jello gun’s
A congealed weapon

The seance isn’t going well
I guess it would appear it’s
Going to need something like
A Ouija Board to raise the spirits

I’ve discovered how to slow
Aging at will
By tying its advance
To a Congressional bill

That ditz is quite an airhead
Putting the ‘D’ in dumb
She flunked her breathalyzer test
They detected shelium

The private eye named Mr. Holmes
Looked at a bed in shock
He said to Watson, “Something’s gone”
The reply? “No sheet Sherlock”

The electric company’s office sign
Is very often cited
It says “If You Don’t Pay Your Bill”
“We Know You’ll Be Delighted”

Water addiction
Is most unusual
Drinking too much
Leaves you dilutional

For that girl I liked
I should have persisted
She used just four vowels
Didn’t know I existed

An ego had a date last night
That ended in an awful light
It got off to a poor begin –
With everything being about him

And things got worse
As the night wore on
The companion stifling
Yawn after yawn

No kiss goodnight
She’d had enough
So, as usual, he’s got no one
But himself to love

I thought fairy tales were true
It was my fixation
But then one day I had
A Grimm realization

Take it from
The old guy, Devin
Change in the air
Means pennies from heaven

That mosquito landing
On McGyver
Really is
A big skin diver

They say I’m a paranoid composer
For whom notes are much more than the key
Cuz I think they’re all talking behind my back
On the other hand, it could be just mi

He said she was a one in a million
And I said, “Son of a gun!”
Because on a scale from zero to 10
That means she’s a 0.00001

The Mexican cousin
Of Tinkerbell
Is someone known
As Taco Bell

In my garden, tiny snake
Hissing noises do you make
Go away now, on your own
And I will leave
Your home alone

Lorena Bobbitt
Is feeling sick
Out driving today,
She got cut off by some prick

Whenever Neil Simon liked a lass
He didn’t bother to make a pass
Instead what often he’d prefer
Would be to make a play for her

Buttermilk? Skim milk?
Don’t upset her
Give her the first one
It’s whey better

People who think they’re God’s gifts to the world
Aren’t. No need to emphasize it
But they’re very notable for
Being the last ones to realize it

Two fountain pens fell deep in love
Said the lad to the lass, winking
“Do you think there’s a child in our future?”
And she replied, “I’ve got an inkling”

My Kelvinator dropped some ice
The outcome makes me cringe
Even though I know that it is just
Water under the fridge

For positive thinking
This philosophical man
Helps if you’re sinking –
Emmanuel Kan

The advice I got from my doctor
Left me in an awful mood
A new dietary restriction
Food

It may be the height
It could be the timing
I just know the death rate
At Everest is climbing

That show on Lincoln
It was the gaudiest
Shot before a
Studio audience

I studied hard to become a magician
But now I have depression
Because I failed the big exam
Too many trick questions

If orthopedics
Is your vocation
Three words of advice
Dislocation, dislocation, dislocation

Prizefighter parties
I have a hunch
Must have delicious
Knockout punch

The tiny leaf that just fell down
Is a genealogist to be
From his perspective on the ground
He can look up his family tree

How beautifully outside
The birds do sing
Nature’s choir
Sopranos of spring

Of tall people
It has been said
All of them
Sleep longer in bed

When all is finally
Said and done
It is the said
That will have won

They’ve decoded the octopus language
It’s partly human, partly fish
The name it has been given
Is Inklish

The music store thief
Didn’t shoot
But went and made off
With the lute

The pollen in the air
Causing many rants
Happens when flowers
Can’t keep it in their plants

I was asked by a friend to use three words
To describe myself – how crazy!
My answer to the question?
“Lazy”

At the bottom of
The Bermuda triangle
I hear there is
A wreck tangle

In La Paz, a fan
Almost never yawns
Rooting for
The Bolivia Newton Johns

The inventor of the first wheel
Was bright, as we can see
But the real genius
Invented the other three

I believe in alcohol
On religion, I’m aloof
The diff between the two of them?
Alcohol has proof

Teenage inconsistencies
Produce confusing results
Some of them act like babies
If you don’t treat them like adults

Oak-ay
by Kevin Ahern

When the lumberjack posed a tough question
Much time for response had elapsed
Yes, stumped was the tree, it seems clear to me
Perhaps twas the way it was axed

My shoes aren’t fixed
And there’s no doubt
The cobbler can’t do it
Because she soled out

As Shakespeare was composing Hamlet
An interruption ensued
So he stopped the effort and wrote
“To be or not . . . . “ (to be continued)

Hipster foodies
Very rabid
Insist on eating
Faddy acids