One Liner

Tolkien’s writing was hobbit forming

Humiduty – what a device that controls air moisture has

The sign said “Void Where Prohibited” and then I got arrested for public urination

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Mathematicians communicate through sine language.

The animal science singles bar is good for meating

He didn’t make it to the casino because he didn’t have the Vegas idea

Shoes are the ultimate in sole mates

People with impact have more per say

The last letter of Noel – Ironic?

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

People trade corn futures on the stalk market

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Hamster messages are often gerbiled

Mermaids are ladies in wading

Spanish music stations play audios, amigos

Danger ensues when convenience outweighs concern

A small psychiatrist is a little stiff

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

A woman replaced a stolen handbag and got reimpursed 

The best pickle was the dill of the century 

The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”

Marriage has a nice ring to it

Perseid meteors are comet vomit

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

An Adam’s apple is the neck’s big thing

I couldn’t make my mind up on a new mattress, so I decided to sleep on it

Arsonists get lighter sentences

The weight-lifting lawyer has the power of attorney

Gardeners like spring mower and mower

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

A horror movie has cringe benefits

I’m so old I need a generation app

Why are there no “afternoon people?”

What goes up must come down except prices

A series of coincidences is also a coincidence of series

Little birds stay in wrental units

I don’t often roll a joint, but when I do, it’s my ankle

Retirement is not working for me

Astronauts are whirled travelers

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

A divorce court can offer affair trial

Deer hunters put the BAM in Bambi

The lack of gingerbreadwomen is due to pastryarchy

Holes are fixed by the Chief Putty Officer
Sadness is supplied by the Chief Pity Officer
Burgers are cooked by the Chief Patty Officer
Bathrooms cleaned by the Chief Potty Officer
Dogs cared for the by Chief Petty Officer

He suffered from male pattern bluntness

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’

Zoo veterinarians discuss the elephant in the womb

I was hip until the replacement

Elderly divorce involves two grayed minds with single thoughts

Headline – Religious Dairy Farmers Meet
Subtext – Cheeses, Christ

Ants with malaise = Melancolony

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

A toothless butler is an undentured servant

Reno has a bettor idea

My back doctor writes in chiroglyphics

Headline – War Protesters Adopt French Strategy
Subtext – Peace de Resistance

Samuel Morse dashed off many letters

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

Bakers believe in flour power

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

For sale:  2020 planner – never used

Perfumes get made in an olfactory

In rope school things get taut

Classical music at Starbucks = Tchaikoffee

The bust of Julius Caesar was a head of its time

Traveling lawyers buy suevenirs

The country singer who forgot to shave – Woolly Nelson

People mocking poor people are guilty of insult and bettery

Increasing beer prices are sobering facts

Little piles of rubbish are dumplings

When gambling is outlawed, only outlaws will be abetting

Legal marijuana is a big hit

When I mix up punch lines, I have a punundrum 

Human evolution was caused by primate change

My work as a phlebotomist is a part time jab

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

Skydivers solve problems by troublechuting

Trains find it hard to express themselves

My diet doctor’s one word advice: “Fondon’t”

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Box office proceeds are play money

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Headline – Smelly Bandit Robs Store
Subtext – Who was that musked man?

Conformity increases in direct proportion to the cost of resistance

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

I write profanities in cursive

Every cloud has a server lining

Forgetful cows give milk of amnesia 

To send a French “Dear John” letter, you need postage adieu

Inuit Valentine – “I only have ice for you”

I thought there were only two choices, but I couldn’t beat them and they wouldn’t let me join them

I dropped my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal and cried over spelt milk

Dazed football players get whamnesia

Religion is just a conspiracy theory shrouded in holiness

Mannequins are “Dummies for Windows”

Great line – “I miss you like an idiot misses the point”

She’s a forest queen to others, but a big Miss Tree to me

For Catholics, wine is the opiate of their masses

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Closed minds are cheaper to heat

Hugh Hefner built an empire from she to shining she 

Prison is a word and also a sentence

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

Old English royalty preferred Tudor sedans

Chefs are panhandlers

Tradition is the road block to progress

I just bought a painting by that fancy new artist – SavingsandLoansy

I put my phone on vibrate to get text massages

Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

Headline – Phone Service Cut to NY Town
Subtext – Dis-Schenectady

Muvon – something to get when you’ve been sitting too long

With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y harm

Plant collectors are hoarder culturists

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

A stitch in time saves nine WHAT?

Computer nerds believe in an AI for an AI and a truth for a truth

People using Yiddish expressions are oysters

As useless as the second ’s’ in Arkansas

He who hesitates is buffering

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

Patron saint for humor = St. Francis of a Hee Hee

An unruly hairstyle is a mussed do

Velcro is a ripoff 

Using old Macintosh fonts is a Geneva convention 

Cheese makers work around about whey 

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

Kids on merry-go-rounds remind us that wee are the whirled

Shoes are soled in pairs

To keep dairy from moving, Tie Cheese

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at

As much fun as a one lip kiss

Tulsa spelled backwards is “a slut”

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

After she got him a Lawn Boy, he loved her mower

Fishing gives me a big haddock

I buy pickles from a local dillership

In the ocean, love is brined

Isn’t “Rocky Mountains” redundant?

The fattest place in America?  Obecity

Headline – Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext – ET&T

Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins

Cutting grass helps maintain lawn order

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

A duck muzzle isn’t flashy, but it fits the bill

Experience is not hereditary

Finding good Indian food is a naan issue

Moldy tapioca is very off pudding

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

Facebook is clique bait

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

Kids born today are Baby Zoomers 

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

Lumber mills have board meetings

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

Viagra is a hard pill to swallow

Cat burglars commit felinies

I put on the flimsy gown in the hospital and everyone said “ICU”

A hypnotist is a tranceformer

Crafty inmates are put in “You Knit” cells

Headline – Campbell’s Chef Goes Insane
Subtext – Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

Is a person who’s a below average bore interesting?

Nothing tops a plain pizza

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

Idaho highways have a spud limit

My dog is Halloween at the moon

Mongolia had its pros and Khans

“You’re my rock” is a polite way of saying “I take you for granite”

A false prophet – Impostradamus

Great name for a wrap group – “Cellophane”

Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years