One Liner

I failed my italic writing course by making straight A’s

Puppy sale – Buy one, get one flea

Headline – Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext – Chrysler Imperil

High humidity provides a lot of mist opportunities

I get chills when I go into a spooky igloo

Dogwood sticks fetch themselves

“War and Pence” – two “must avoids”

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons

The present is a beta test for the future

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Viking pharmacists practiced pillaging

Sheep shearers are lamb scrapers

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

The Volkswagen on my lobe is a German engine earring

My work as a phlebotomist is a part time jab

Shoes are soled in pairs

Bulky underwear is the bottom line

At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts

Musically, the Big Bang began with Beatle haircuts

Happiness is a better pill to swallow

Interior designers are roomatologists

Ashtrays are full of cig-regrets

Magicians are super dupers

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

Best ethnic food in a pandemic – Togo

Eating sheep cheese makes me feta

Of the two racetracks I own, one is the lesser of two ovals

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply

The leak that sank the ship came out of the cloud

My sister’s talkative husband is my blather in law 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s moving up on my list.

Elsie the cow is a beast of Borden

The dessert thief is now in custardy

I’m aFreud of my mother

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

A library is a multi-story building

Fear of giants is feefiphobia

That reverberating urge to ‘buy’? – Echonomics

Candy for positive people – Encourage Mints

Children live in Play-Doh’s Republic

A closed mouth gathers no foot

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

Spiders and mice make up the eek-o-system

The Subway web site is the URL of Sandwich

My cat makes me wonder.  It’s a siamuse

After I ate only salads, my bowel movements became highly arugula

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

To make a lung story short, smoking will kill you

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

The ocean is hard to fathom

A punny for your thoughts

In rope school things get taut

Rocky was a role with the punches

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

A great dinner is one in a meallion

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Oxymorons are of increasingly lesser importance

Dracula was a red blood cell Count

Jelly filling is a good roll middle

My bank account is suffering from cashtration

In my new job making chess sets, I’m on knights next week

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

Squeezing a sponge ball too hard can cause Nerf damage

When you work in a hay field, you bail before you quit

In LA, beachgoers do SoCal distancing

If it goes off without a hitch, is it still a wedding?

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

Great name for a wrap group – “Cellophane”

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

What does ACRONYM stand for?

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

Teetotalers take the path of yeast resistance

Smiling increases your face value

The Earl Grey delivery service flies through the air with the greatest of teas

Knotification – one step in making a tree

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

For dental bills, I put my money where my mouth is

When AI systems start reproducing, will they come from a computerus?

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

A tug of war is an awful apulling idea

Vaccines give you viral immuneition

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

I think of Frank Zappa whenever I microwave a hotdog

Female shepherds are Little Bo People

A three-foot aardvark is a yardvark

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

The nose of a sheep is one point of ewe

When the doc said my prostate was healthy, I was deeply touched 

In the cruise business, ship happens

Dracula is looking for his necks victim

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

Box office proceeds are play money

Headline – Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext – Portland TailBlazers

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

To touch the electrical line, there is a small charge

Metamucil should change its name to Facebookmucil

Headline – Former Sec. of State Endorses Laxative
Subtext – Colon Pow!

Real eyes realize real lies

Finding Sasquatch – no small feet

Woodstock had a bunch of hippie campers

Facebook is clique bait

When human cannonballs get fired, they have a job

Money is the loot of all evil

I’m the charman of our bar-b-Q group 

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

The fool’s kiss worked because the kiss fooled her

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

Polite cheesemakers are curdeous

No matter what I do to my grass, it wants mower

Beaver suburbs are out in the sticks

Pain is unBayerable without aspirin 

The stolen bag thief’s trial was a brief case

Elderly divorce involves two grayed minds with single thoughts

Dear John letters show that absence makes the heart go yonder

Seamstresses have sewnar

HIV in the ocean causes mermaids

Vegetarian shenanigans are tofu-lery

Digital displays are signs of the times

I had my patience tested and it was negative

To get away from a falling tree, use the fir escape

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Oblivia – the Goddess of Unawareness

A poor economy is one way to close the Gap

Headline – Anatomical Find Distresses Theologians
Subtext – God Only Nose

The formula for holy water – H2OMG

Angry hippies get incensed

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

People with impact have more per say

When you’re in a couples art class, someone has to draw the line

Thugs are people who quit working for good

Quadruplets are four crying out loud

A gardener is an officer of the lawn

I buy deer meat from The Merchant of Venison 

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Getting sick in America means dealing with hellth care

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”

It was a fatal mistake – mooning a werewolf

The ark guy and family were Noah, et als

If air travel drops further, we’ll have The Flying None

Dog diseases can sometimes be heartworming 

Improvise – what you have to do when you can’t find your vise

Getting syrup from maples requires phlebotany

Gold diggers have metal telepathy

Cannibal lions swallow their pride

To a farmer, a pig is a squeal of fortune 

Weight Watchers’ mantra – Fat Chants

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

The best ones at being lazy get atrophy

The toothless cow wanted to eat, but cudn’t 

The aardvark leads the annual list of animals list

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

You can catch Sisyphus from a boulder

A ghost says ‘boo’ in a manner of spooking

Archaeologists make ground-breaking discoveries

When I accidentally kicked on third down, it was no punt intended

Why anyone would have two spouses is a bigamystery 

The optometry school’s football team is the Fighting Iris

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

The haunted house door is the startling point for the party

Copyrights are statutes of imitations