One Liner

There was so much laundry to do, I threw in the towel

Count Guacula sucks at avocados

In the cruise business, ship happens

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Our history is a national passed time

Diamond companies mine their own business

Some minds are like feathers, easily blown

The lumberjack cut himself in an axe ident

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Squeezing juice from a battery means pressing charges

The dentist who pulled my tooth got it, molarless

At the next séance you could be the ghost of honor

That new book on black holes really drew me in

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

Does Popeye’s chicken get fried in olive oil?

Laughing gas is one of the scents of humor

New anti-social network – Get Out of My Facebook

New insect repellant – All Pest Off

Deer are clearly misnamed

I like hot dogs so much I relish them

Free range chickens are a bonus with every oven

Endless love – when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis

A fashionable Doberman is an avant guard dog

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

The spelling bee was lost due to a bad spell of whether

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

I stuck my finger in a socket and discovered I’m not very shock resistant

Noel Coward is afraid of Christmas

Police are blue color workers

Having multiple dentists may leave you with mixed fillings 

Bad poets commit rhymes against humanity

Drummers are very cymbal minded

Asthma: the wheezin’ for the season 

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Curbside pickup is different for dog owners 

The old protestor’s youth was just a dissident memory

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

To make a lung story short, smoking will kill you

When you work in a hay field, you bail before you quit

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

Does abstinence makes the church grow fondlers?

Headline – Weird Music Disturbs Germans
Subtext – Unnerving Berlin

Great name for a wrap group – “Cellophane”

Headline – Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext – St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

In parachute school, you drop out when you graduate

Potatoes that turn against you are traitor tots

As useless as the second ’s’ in Arkansas

You can catch Sisyphus from a boulder

Income tax time involves the Declaration of Dependents 

A prison is also a guardin’ center

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

Atheists have no invisible means of support

Non-meditators are inzensitive 

The story teller’s shortcomings were Aesop’s foibles

Classical musicians use the Handel bars

A three-foot aardvark is a yardvark

Two volcanologists fell in lava with each other

When the avocado truck crashed, there were guackers all around

When I mix up punch lines, I have a punundrum 

The hair dye shortage will make America grayed again

Procrastinators are wait watchers

Plant collectors are hoarder culturists

In cellular math, dividing = multiplying 

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

The smaller seesaw is the petiter totter

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

Is a man year the same length as a woman year or does that 71% thing kick in?

Hot Dog Shop Name – Mustard’s Last Stand

Getting sick in America means dealing with hellth care

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

A high rise pig home is a styscraper

The proper way to marry your mother?  Ask Etiquette Rex

A mermaid is a lady in wading

Orthodontists are denture capitalists

After a big bowl of chili, I created a work of fart

Salivary glands are very secretive

Synchronized swimmers are a splash mob

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

I’m so old I need a generation app

The Maytag Repairman is an agitator

Stupid elements are borons

U.S. Scandinavian fests are artificial Swedeners

When my foot goes to sleep, it is coma toes

My flowers caught a fungus from the STD florist

The nudist colony is in the middle of no wear

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

I got in trouble for saying my wife’s expensive new pants were a huge waste

Mooning is to me too much luna, see?

Nothing tops a plain pizza

On the Titanic, all hull broke loose

Toilet paper makers consider the end user

An ex-husband is a wasband

Angry hippies get incensed

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

Strolling America today is a walk on the riled side

When you anthropomorphize pets, they hate it

When curling irons stop working, do they become hair straighteners?

There is no ‘i’ in ‘denial’

Dancing cheek to cheek is floor play

When slurring words after a beer, you have a yeast inflection

Fishermen need angler management classes

The janitor’s union is calling for sweeping reforms 

At the height of his career, Charles Schulz made Peanuts

Mermaids wash their fins with Tide

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces

Viking ships were Fjord Explorers

Depends is part of the wetness protection program 

The riverboat got lost and went saline in the ocean

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

Braggers put their feats in their mouth

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

He was so illiterate, he prostated himself

I put my phone on vibrate to get text massages

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

The old grouch likes antisocial media

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

Mannequins are “Dummies for Windows”

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

All men are cremated equal

I write profanities in cursive

British bathrooms are occupied by loo tenants

Tradition is the road block to progress

When it comes to pandemics, we’ve got that COVID 

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Gardeners like spring mower and mower

Chronic fibbers have liabetes

The arsonist got a lighter sentence

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

Kidney stones are peebles 

Man does not live by bed alone

Negative people get all tied up in nots

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

The present is a beta test for the future

The pitcher came from a pour family

My favorite joke search engine? Giggle

Money is the loot of all evil

Respiratory therapy clinics are breathing grounds for pneumonia sufferers

Ghosts in the market for real estate go house haunting

Farmers have detractors. They also have deplows

“Must read” books are on my bucket lits

I’m the charman of our bar-b-Q group 

Getting syrup from maples requires phlebotany

Airplanes need hanger management 

Fractions are a division of math

A library is a multi-story building

When I don’t know what to buy at the store, I’m listless

Small black birds have crowing pains 

The fool’s kiss worked because the kiss fooled her

If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

Where there’s a will, there’s someone wanting to be in it

Headline – Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext – Kremlins

A tug of war is an awful apulling idea

Headline – Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext – Wee Monsieur

At my age, when it comes to the prostate, peeing is believing

Gold diggers have metal telepathy

Cops are blue color workers 

If everyone gambled, the world would be a bettor place

With avian disease, it’s the early worm that gets the bird

For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

Headline – Monster Grows Beer Belly
Subtext – Abdominal Snowman

A horror movie has cringe benefits

My dentist is abscessive compulsive

It always rains on my umbrella

Chemists who don’t want to work are lazeotropes (nerd joke)

Do liars get sent to court forgery duty?

Moving the “S” in literary titles has made me less miserable

Jelly filling is a good roll middle

Bad gumbo with sausage is just meaty okra

A Shakespearean nativity scene set in MacBethlehem

When police pulled out all the stops, traffic changed

Hugh Hefner built an empire from she to shining she 

Facebook is clique bait

That web site for free chickens is just cluck bait

Samuel Morse dashed off many letters

Reducing gluten is a wheat loss strategy

As overshadowed as a Swiss Navy knife

The Hallmark doctor is a cardiologist

In rope school things get taut

Headline – Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext – Jurassic Pork

I was unsuited to become a nudist

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L,’ and then much ‘aughter’

A woman replaced a stolen handbag and got reimpursed 

Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years