One Liner

Guavas fall because of guavity

The Chicken Little story has many layers

She loved Christmas so much, she merried it 

What if Schrödinger had married Pandora instead?

Marijuana smoking pigeons have high coos

The leak that sank the ship came out of the cloud

Snake towels are labeled Hers and Hiss

Harry and Meghan’s Departure was a Reign Drain

What a contract giveth, the fine print taketh away

The guy who got cut by broken window filed a glass action lawsuit

Jewish nudists celebrate bare mitzvah

The nudist couldn’t leave because she had no wear to go

“You’re my rock” is a polite way of saying “I take you for granite”

The assemble it yourself Apple car is called iKia

Senior citizens enjoy their reclining years

The weight-lifting lawyer has the power of attorney

Bomb defusing is mined altering

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

Hyper people get by with a little help from their frenzy

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

A hypnotist is a tranceformer

Calling someone Miss is a big Mstake

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

Garfield’s favorite movie is Catsablanca

Lumberjacks are a bunch of hackers

Sardines hang out in tinning salons

The forest had a tree ring circus 

A COVID vaccine is good to put in the coughers

A false prophet – Impostradamus

Ganders are part of a goosian distribution

Depressing is what comes after delaundry

I was shocked by the difference between a battery of tests and a test of batteries

Spanish music stations play audios, amigos

When it comes to COVID, Americans are fattening the curve

Guillotines work at breakneck speed

When you work in a hay field, you bail before you quit

My English teacher told me I’m not who I think I am. I’m whom

The Catholic church accepts donations through papal

Yoga studio name – Bend Back and Beyond

My tic-tacs are in mint condition

Bondage book for lovers – “Beau Ties”

Every cloud has a server lining

Headline – Phone Service Cut to NY Town
Subtext – Dis-Schenectady

On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you like questions asking you to rate things from 1 to 10?

My underground gold fortune is all mine 

Sophia Loren was Italy’s main sexport

Opera is my aria of expertise 

Hangovers are brewed awakenings

I lactose genes for digesting milk

Does abstinence makes the church grow fondlers?

Constipation is diabowelical

Macho men are egotesticle

Boxing in Helsinki is a fight to the Finnish

Apple’s new portable high priced device is called iPaid 

The worst part of the job for carpet installers is tacks time

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

Police are blue color workers

When the man was late for his baby’s delivery, he was dad on arrival 

Pretzel-making has a happy bending

Sheep shearers are lamb scrapers

Pediatricians have very little patients

Synchronized swimmers are a splash mob

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

Kardashians have big carears

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

Biologists axolotl questions 

If you have to say “My eyes are up here,” the guy is on stareoids

Paper shreaders are tearists

My film about the metric system lacks footage

At the next séance you could be the ghost of honor

The sneaky virus Covid its tracks

Curling irons offer permanent solutions to hairy problems

Some minds are like feathers, easily blown

Crafty inmates are put in “You Knit” cells

When slurring words after a beer, you have a yeast inflection

Selfish people join the United “Mine!” Workers

The optometry school’s football team is the Fighting Iris

Power stealers are joule thieves

Little piles of rubbish are dumplings

The outer space boundary is the margin of air 

Using old Macintosh fonts is a Geneva convention 

Money is the loot of all evil

Viking pharmacists practiced pillaging

Vegetarian shenanigans are tofu-lery

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Your argument is sound.  Just sound

The ocean is hard to fathom

Trains find it hard to express themselves

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

Idaho highways have a spud limit

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

Box office proceeds are play money

You’re getting old when your joints set off metal detectors

How come I never see anyone at self-storage places?

With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y harm

Number systems keep wait under control

I dropped my bowl of Alpha-bits cereal and cried over spelt milk

My new scarecrow is a no-brainer 

When metal goes bad, they call it rot iron

Since I got cloned, I don’t know what to do with myself

I didn’t understand introspection until I took a long, hard look at myself

Don’t like how they operate?  Time to change surgeons

Wind chimes are a pretty sound investment

Fencing people have a lot touché

I put on the flimsy gown in the hospital and everyone said “ICU”

The lumberjack cut himself in an axe ident

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

The older I get, the more I see people dressing me with their eyes

As much fun as a one lip kiss

“War and Pence” – two “must avoids”

The old grouch likes antisocial media

Staying in the same old rut is good if you’re a street car

What do anxious butterflies get in their stomachs?

My favorite joke search engine? Giggle

Headline – Anatomical Find Distresses Theologians
Subtext – God Only Nose

Kung Flu infects martial artists

Wines that never age are made from Dorian Grape

The Cat Channel is pay, purr, view 

Free advice is worth every penny

Why are there no “afternoon people?”

People afraid of leading are powerds

That comedian will never be convicted of man’s laughter

Saliva is a word that rolls off the tongue

Cat burglars commit felinies

A bashful one-eyed monster is a shyclops

As useless as the second ’s’ in Arkansas

Plants answer phones by saying “Aloe”

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

Headline – Patrons Adjust to Waiter Strike
Subtext – More Forced Bussing

Playing Beatles music loudly on the bus – bad etiquette to ride

Card games on submarines involve a lot of bridge under the water

Does digging music turn you into a sound burier?

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

“I see myself in you,” said the man to his son, the mirror

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem

I just bought a painting by that fancy new artist – SavingsandLoansy

Negative people get all tied up in nots

He was surprisingly bipedal for someone of his intelligence

Why anyone would have two spouses is a bigamystery 

New disease infecting cows – Bovid-19

Classical musicians use the Handel bars

My neatfreak dog is a cocker spic and spaniel

Great name for an eyedrop – Moist Your Eyes

Ponzi was a pyramid Earther

When curling irons stop working, do they become hair straighteners?

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

I had my patience tested and it was negative

Headline – Dairy Farmers Celebrate at Local Pub
Subtext – A Round About Whey

In parachute school, you drop out when you graduate

The devil is in the denials

No good meme goes un-published

The tailor of a tycoon’s kid is an heir dresser

Food cooked in a pita pan never gets old

Disney clothing = Upparel

Catholic photographers are often Canonized

Teetotalers take the path of yeast resistance

Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis

The vegetable choir sang in perfect hominey

A marijuana investor is a spender in the grass

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

Learning to dance is a two-step process

Spiders and mice make up the eek-o-system

Underwear makers have a good bottom line

Cheese makers work around about whey 

Placebos are transcendental medications

My photo fell. I now have an image to keep up

Conformity increases in direct proportion to the cost of resistance

Mating curds are sexual feta cheeses

My wisecracking garden tool – Phyllis Tiller

Everything is relative, but relatives aren’t everything

The spelling bee was lost due to a bad spell of whether

Chefs are panhandlers

Scholars of holy books celebrate Joy to the Word 

To understand his spending habits, John did a buyopsy

A sand child is a son of a beach 

I write profanities in cursive