One Liner

My cat makes me wonder.  It’s a siamuse

Podiatrists drive toe trucks

I get chills when I go into a spooky igloo

Real eyes realize real lies

Halloween at the beach means sand witches again

All men are cremated equal

The claim that I’m incontinent doesn’t hold water

“You’re my rock” is a polite way of saying “I take you for granite”

Beauty is in the eye of the creator of the compost heap

My medical book had its appendix removed

Reno has a bettor idea

Trimogonetry – the science of syllable scrambling

Birds in Valdez, AK wake up oily every morning

That new book on black holes really drew me in

When James Bond bathes, he’s bubble 07

In cellular math, dividing = multiplying 

Corn farmers sing in perfect hominy

She’s a forest queen to others, but a big Miss Tree to me

I couldn’t define ‘inconsequential’ but later realized it wasn’t important

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

Do pennies from heaven mean change is in the air?

The tailor of a tycoon’s kid is an heir dresser

Patron saint for humor = St. Francis of a Hee Hee

The secrets of garden imps are revealed with full gnome sequencing

Spanish postal carriers are from Parcelona

I stuck my finger in a socket and discovered I’m not very shock resistant

Honesty is the best policy unless you sell insurance

I failed my italic writing course by making straight A’s

Circus clowns often socially diss tents

The wine-drinking puppet was known as Pinot-cchio 

Vegetarian shenanigans are tofu-lery

Headline – Massage Parlor Offers Degree
Subtext – Feeled Biology

Knotification – one step in making a tree

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

Where there’s smoke, there’s lung cancer

Headline – Anatomical Find Distresses Theologians
Subtext – God Only Nose

Halal bread is from the middle yeast 

When you lose a Zoom connection, you must re-Zoom

Metamucil should change its name to Facebookmucil

Our water polio team loses every game it plays

I’m not sure how I wound up in the clock museum

Religion is just a conspiracy theory shrouded in holiness

Pain is unBayerable without aspirin 

Fisherman’s knives are made to scale

Guillotines work at breakneck speed

Electric German cars are Volts Wagons

Pregnant women are the ultimate body builders

Lumber mills have board meetings

Headline – Debby Boone Refutes Biography
Subtext – “You Lied Up My Life”

Disney clothing = Upparel

Until you have kids, that’s a pre-exhausting condition

Old Navy opens early and clothes late

Using old Macintosh fonts is a Geneva convention 

I’m aFreud of my mother

Taking a break from salad is a Romaine Holiday

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

Electricians like to go with the current

Kids born today are Baby Zoomers 

People afraid of change are very vary wary 

Headline – Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext – Helmut Cold

When you work in a hay field, you bail before you quit

Churches are fueled by soular energy

Beauty is only skin deep.  Thank goodness I’m thick skinned 

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

I’m so helpless, I can’t find the self-help section of the bookstore

A Mexican ghost is “No Weigh, Jose”

Ken dolls from Santa’s helpers are elf-made men

I know nothing about Ignorance Awareness Month

I couldn’t make my mind up on a new mattress, so I decided to sleep on it

He was so illiterate, he prostated himself

Bingo players have seen it all B4

“Halo” is angel for “hi”

Spanish music stations play audios, amigos

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

A citrus a day is a lemon pledge

Halloween insects are maskquitoes.

What is Averagecalifragilisticexpialidociousness?

Knowing when to buy U.S. Steel is metal telepathy

Potatoes that turn against you are traitor tots

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

I Concord my fear of grapes

To make a lung story short, smoking will kill you

Inquisitive children do multi-asking

A group of monkeys should be called a ‘barrel”

The longest punctuation mark – the hundred yard dash 

Small black birds have crowing pains 

When I mix up punch lines, I have a punundrum 

At the end of the month, many religious college students are Ramen Catholics

A high rise pig home is a styscraper

The Romaine empire fell when Brutus kaled Caesar

My new scarecrow is a no-brainer 

He made his TV paranoid by watching it all the time

I’m way below average in statistics knowledge.  That’s good.  

Perfect skin is the garden of the blemish

‘R’ is a ringleader

I like Shakespeare burgers, no matter what sonnet

Thomas Jefferson got a taste of his own Madison

What’s another word for ‘thesaurus?’

Risque talk is bawdy shaming

Indoor plumbing gave Napoleon his water loo

When zen masters give up, they throw in the Tao

The ocean is hard to fathom

Zombies are now an endangered species due to depleted food sources

Rich Japanese are billyenaires

My dog is Halloween at the moon

The ark guy and family were Noah, et als

Jimmy Hoffa’s murder won’t be solved without concrete evidence

My doctor reminded me when my brain fell out

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

Ear worm protection involves heard immunity

Some minds are like feathers, easily blown

Inuit Valentine – “I only have ice for you”

For parents, because is a word to the whys 

College is assisted living for young adults 

Flags have been raised, according to pole watchers 

When curling irons stop working, do they become hair straighteners?

If Walmart and Toy ‘R’ Us merge, they’ll become Wal ‘R’ Us

My new $100 belt doesn’t fit – huge waist

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

The murder in the produce section was a crime of passion fruit

Chronic fibbers have liabetes

Female shepherds are Little Bo People

The brightest ancient people were the Neonderthals

What does ACRONYM stand for?

Motor home owners get away from it all by taking it with them

The minister was fired for having a bad beatitude

Exit from pyramids is controlled by a sphinxter

Misspellers have Guardian Angles

The Beach Boys in Africa sang Help Me Rwanda

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

Sweet Caroine – Sung by Noel Diamond

Diamond companies mine their own business

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

Walmart greeters have Howdy duties

My back doctor writes in chiroglyphics

How come I never see anyone at self-storage places?

Hamburger is made from the ground up

The Hallmark doctor is a cardiologist

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

Overpopulation means extra terrestrials 

Wonder Woman is a super she-ro

The devil is in the denials

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

With Christmas coming, it’s time to brush up on your buyology

Vaccines give you viral immuneition

A ghost says ‘boo’ in a manner of spooking

When Ling-Ling and her friends got sick, it was a pandamic

I’m the charman of our bar-b-Q group 

Spamish flu is caused by junk email

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

New hospital drama – “Sicks in the City”

Laughter is the best thing for your health, short of insurance

The road to ruin has a simple interface

My English teacher told me I’m not who I think I am. I’m whom

My computer-literate dog is a Power Pointer

Tradition is the road block to progress

Calling someone Miss is a big Mstake

Junk food consumers are eatiots 

Odd New Mexicans live in Albaquirky

The Origami Society sees its membership in creasing

Depressing is what comes after delaundry

If you have an open wardrobe, closet

The toothless cow wanted to eat, but cudn’t 

Catholic meat haters love the Vegan Mary

Plant collectors are hoarder culturists

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

What a contract giveth, the fine print taketh away

Lechers like belle bottoms

Gardeners like spring mower and mower

My overweight cat is a tubby

Polite cheesemakers are curdeous

Playing Beatles music loudly on the bus – bad etiquette to ride

Before the 19th amendment, everything was vote by male 

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Chagrin – the look you have on your face after getting half of an old dance right

Pat Sajak and spouse are renewing their vowels

Finding Sasquatch – no small feet

Our history is a national passed time

Cat burglars commit felinies