One Liner

Kardashians have big carears

When speaking behind my back, one is in front of my back. Talking behind my back thus requires talking in front of my back

Mooning is to me too much luna, see?

Finding Sasquatch – no small feet

Teetotalers take the path of yeast resistance

Viagra is marketed to hillbillies as “Mount an’ Do”

The forest had a tree ring circus 

In today’s world, a terrible memory means you never forget

Citrus fruits learn their lessons at A Lemon Tree School

Gardening lawyers favor justice of the peas

Hairy legumes are hippeas 

Microwave – what kids do when Aunt Bad Breath leaves

Headline – Food Science Dept. Fails Audit
Subtext – No Accounting for Taste

At the next séance you could be the ghost of honor

Airplanes need hanger management 

I’m so old I need a generation app

Grizzlies take bearijuana for highbearnation 

An empty tissue box is nothing to sneeze at

Do liars get sent to court forgery duty?

Velcro is a ripoff 

In my new job making chess sets, I’m on knights next week

The first President’ dentures were the George Washington bridge

Playgirl Magazine is a Paul barer 

Obesity runs in his family because no one runs in his family.

Pointless small talk is nonversation

When vegetarians die, they rest in peas

Chasing dogs from yards is lawn forcement

Headline – Guru Hired to Settle Labor Dispute
Subtext – Transcendental Mediation

With alcoholism, people suffer bottle-y harm

Breakfast Shakespeare is a Hamlet

The cucumber played the dill piccolo

What goes up must come down except prices

HIV in the ocean causes mermaids

Churches are fueled by soular energy

When blood cells marry, they get many coagulations

Kama Sutra corporation is now hiring for all positions

A cutting edge doberman is an avant-garde dog

I don’t care what you say, thanks to heard immunity

I don’t want to brag, but women find me utterly resistible

Headline – Lake Michigan Floods Illinois
Subtext – Chicagone

Origamists don’t die, they come down with the bends

Cutting grass helps maintain lawn order

The bust of Julius Caesar was a head of its time

You have a right to be stupid.  Don’t abuse the privilege 

Yoga studio name – Bend Back and Beyond

Spell check twice, post once

Headline – Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext – Lauren of Arabia

The explosion at the herb store was a thyme bomb

Dracula is looking for his necks victim

My dentist is abscessive compulsive

Doctors recommend glutton-free diets

The cobbler’s story – “Awl in the Family”

A citrus a day is a lemon pledge

You invited me to South America, but I don’t Bolivia

The nudist colony is in the middle of no wear

Bad gumbo with sausage is just meaty okra

Retirement is not working for me

My hamburger business got started from the ground up

Old-fashioned wall telephones made crank calls

For some, algebra is a mathematical mystery tour

Mathematicians at Halloween celebrate Trig or Treat

I’m done with arranging my hair, combpletely

Hamburger is made from the ground up

Great name for a plumbing business: “Seepless in Seattle”

Photographers enjoy a lot of cameraderie

Beauticians offer comb improvement

Kung Flu infects martial artists

Ham soup is an add hock meal

That new book on black holes really drew me in

Dorothy’s dog’s shadow made a Toto eclipse of the sun

The Houston guy who chases out evil spirits is a Texorcist

Do-it-yourself electronics store – Ohm Depot

With UNDO you can delete your cake and have it too

STEM = Stop Texting Every Minute

Drummers are very cymbal minded

My overweight cat is a tubby

Squeezing a sponge ball too hard can cause Nerf damage

Indoor plumbing gave Napoleon his water loo

Used watch stores carry second hand goods

An unruly hairstyle is a mussed do

Things spring to life, but not to death

Human evolution was caused by primate change

Headline – Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext – Hazardous Waist

A ghost says ‘boo’ in a manner of spooking

Ganders are part of a goosian distribution

Swashbuckling insects – The Three Mosquiteers

Vegetarian shenanigans are tofu-lery

The new play called “Teflon” doesn’t have any frictional characters

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

For Hamlet’s cough, the doctor asked “TB or not TB?”

Curling irons offer permanent solutions to hairy problems

You can catch Sisyphus from a boulder

People trade corn futures on the stalk market

Catnibus = meowijuana

Podiatrists drive toe trucks

Freud was the Wizard of Ids

When I asked what inconsequential meant, they said it wasn’t important

In cellular math, dividing = multiplying 

Self-employed people mind their own business

At New Year’s, we communicate through Auld Lang Syne language

Dogwood sticks fetch themselves

Tie dye sales are hippie hunting grounds

Puncil – what I use to write funnies

Our noisy parents would often raucous to sleep 

Elephant bathrooms require heavy doody cleaners

Seeds of attraction get planted in magnetic fields

Headline – Dairy Farmers Celebrate at Local Pub
Subtext – A Round About Whey

An evening July podcast is a midsummer night stream

Nike operates on a shoestring budget

Kidney stones are peebles 

The worst part of the job for carpet installers is tacks time

Spiders and mice make up the eek-o-system

I lactose genes for digesting milk

Bjorn Borg impersonators are artificial Swedeners

Oblivia – the Goddess of Unawareness

I’m trying to cut back on chocolate, so I now eat jawbreaker M&Ms

When I write, I column as I see umn

How come I never see anyone at self-storage places?

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs

The door carpenter is a peep hole person

Headline – Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext – Pew Jet Sound

My diet doctor’s one word advice: “Fondon’t”

Time wasters are clock suckers

I know nothing about Ignorance Awareness Month

Hippies were hairy pot-ters

It always rains on my umbrella

Cancer patients aren’t happy with their current cell provider

Haveadaisical is the opposite of lackadaisical

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

Dear John letters show that absence makes the heart go yonder

A drink with eight pieces of ice is too cubed

It takes two people to make one angry

Headline – War Protesters Adopt French Strategy
Subtext – Peace de Resistance

Free advice is worth every penny

Forgetful cows give milk of amnesia 

Does digging music turn you into a sound burier?

Dogs and Facebookers use posts for the same reason

A witch who can control lighting with her eyes is a lights witch 

Psychiatrists have mental detectors

In barber college, cutting class is essential

Suave salmon are sofishticated

Ad visors – what NASCAR drivers wear

Pregnant women are the ultimate body builders

Obsession with shopping can be all consuming

Weight Watchers’ mantra – Fat Chants

Playing Beatles music loudly on the bus – bad etiquette to ride

When my foot goes to sleep, it is coma toes

Calling someone Miss is a big Mstake

When I dream of pasta, I cannoli imagine 

When beavers sleep, they gnawed off

On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you like questions asking you to rate things from 1 to 10?

For hippies, everything started with The Big Bong

A gardener is an officer of the lawn

Where there’s smoke, there’s lung cancer

A stitch in time saves nine WHAT?

Placebo based trials are basically “trick or treatment”

Eating uranium gives you a tomic ache

Two elephants in a pond are swimming trunks 

Birds like to go on pecknics

Old fishermen get cirrhosis of the river 

Coffee plantation workers are grounds keepers

Chickens digest food with henzymes

If you have an open wardrobe, closet

Photoshop is good at photo synthesis

A prison is also a guardin’ center

A broken can opener is a can’t opener

Of the two racetracks I own, one is the lesser of two ovals

When AI systems start reproducing, will they come from a computerus?

My New Year’s Resolution this year? 300 dpi

Minnows sound a little fishy to me

Marijuana smoking pigeons have high coos

Improvise – what you have to do when you can’t find your vise

When I mix up punch lines, I have a punundrum 

For fish, spawning should be taught in the schools

Number systems keep wait under control

‘R’ is a ringleader

Headline – Cuban Leader’s Brother Declared Traitor
Subtext – Infidel Castro

Idaho highways have a spud limit

Guinevere’s date with Lancelot was a knight to remember