June is the month of cycles. By now, you hopefully have recovered from the May-hem (HAR!) of Memorial Day festivities and are midway through the repetitive activities of watering, cursing, and mowing the green stuff in front of and behind your house. If this year is typical, the cycle will be repeated a good 20 or so times before the growing season ends, varied only by the occasional act of edging and interrupted by the ritual of the annual family vacation. When people talk about “getting away from it all,” they are often referring to grass, which is why beaches are so popular.
Lawns are the only battlegrounds where armies dare not tread, lest they trample the grass upon it. Peace on Earth would be real if the money that went to generals was given instead to lawn growers, though different kinds of battles would break out, given suburban competitiveness. Unlike the rest of the biological sciences, in the sport of Homeowner Botany, having the tallest, most biodiverse lawn is frowned up. Similarly, although “pet fertilization” is a simple, natural, and low-cost prescription for healthy grass, champions in the lawn sweepstakes eschew bio-organic treatments, dancing instead to the somnolent tune of “Weed and Feed.” Two, four indeed!
June also typically marks the five month anniversary of having given up on one’s new year’s resolutions. Celebrants mark the occasion with a kegger and non-drinkers may instead consume cheesecake. There’s plenty of opportunity to down lots of both, given that the longest day of the year hits on the 20th and this also officially opens Picnic Season, a time when the nation’s picnic tables, campgrounds, and blankets emerge from their long winter sleep to discover that fat people are once again sitting, standing, and/or lying upon them. With fat people come cupcakes and with cupcakes come ants and ants always come out at picnics, thus completing what biologists know is one of the most important cycles of nature.
The last cycle of this month is the start of the annual Christmas shopping season and the countdown of the number of days left until the after-Christmas sales and post-holiday depression begin. If you hurry, you can wrap up (HAR!) your Christmas shopping by Labor Day and smugly tell all your friends. This is a good idea because it will give them enough time to forget their hatred of you by the time they are buying your prezzies – when the shopping countdown has moved to the single digits. God Rest Ye Merry Gentile Men.
I want to remind everyone that June is Black Lives Matter (BLM) month. Though I joke a lot in these spaces, BLM is an important cause worthy of everyone’s attention. On a lighter note, June is also turkey leftovers month, which is very disturbing given the 7 month lag between Thanksgiving and June. Caution is advised.
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