Day Bidet

Our house remodeling’s been done a week
It has a new look and it’s pretty sleek
The kitchen area has a counter new
And on top of that, there’s a brand new loo

Which brings me to a matter small
That shouldn’t bother me at all
But it does and it’s taken me out of my zone
Cuz I now have a high tech throne

OK, OK
I hear you say
“It only is”
“A frigging bidet”

“A little splish”
“A little splash”
“To finish up”
“A bathroom dash”

But before you start laughing
Please let me say
There’s a lot of scary
About a bidet

First of all, it’s all high tech
Wired in the wall
Remote controls that you select
No effort required at all.

The seat contains a heating coil
The “stream” it squirts does too
And you can set the angle
The “thing” aims up at you

A dryer’s also included
There’s a very good reason why
It means you don’t have to sit there
Waiting to drip dry

Well, the “thing’s” waiting to be used
It’s been ready for a week
All I’ve done so far is glare at it
Each time I take a leak

When I sit down
To do my business
The water swirls
With moans and hisses

I wonder about the shock
That water’s gonna be
The moment that it meets up with
My “privacy”

What if that initial “blast”
Is scalding hot or frigid cold?
And is at all possible that a user
Could be too old?

Yes, yes. Lots of questions
And answers few
But no more avoiding
It’s today’s “to doo”

I sit myself down
And the “thing” hums again
But I clear my head of thoughts
A sort of bathroom zen

Except the image
To which I cling –
The current of electricity
Racing through this “thing”

Butt, I digress

OK. The moment arrives
On which I dote
I close my eyes
And squeeze the remote

There’s water gurgling
And sounds increasing
Which means the “thing”
Is now unleashing

I’m paralyzed for movement
Expecting the worst
Of what will happen
In the coming burst

I’m not religious
In any way
But my mind was totally
Ready to pray

“Dear heavenly father”
“I know you don’t exist”
“But if you do, please make this happen”
“With tenderness”

Amen

And then suddenly
The anxious arrival
Of a stream – most gentle
And certainly not tidal

Not too hot
Not too cold
Not too timid
Not too bold

The “thing” did its business
And then retreated
My sense of relief
May ne’er be exceeded

I finished the session
My wife asked, “How’d it feel?”
I shrugged and replied,
“As I expected. No big deal”