Obituary

Officials in charge of Oregon’s Death Without Dignity Act announced today that the OSU Women’s Basketball team had succumbed to a lack of press coverage and was declared dead as a result of the first reported instance in the world of Sportswriter-Assisted Suicide. Details surrounding the announcement were as surprising as they were disappointing.

A living, breathing example of OSU’s most successful sports team in national tournaments over the last decade, the OSU Women’s Basketball team had long suffered from too little exposure compared to their more famous brothers and was on life support since the last NCAA tournament. Doctors overseeing the death noted that it did not occur in the absence of strong fan support. Services are pending and probably won’t be announced in the Corvallis Gazette Times.