The Division of Complaints

“Welcome to the Registration Department. Please say to our automatic teller what brings you to us today.”

“I wish to register a complaint”

“It sounds like you are here to register a complaint. Is that correct?”

“Yes”

“If you wish to register a complaint, please say “I wish to register a complaint” or say “No” to repeat your original request.”

“I wish to register a complaint”

“I see. You wish to register a complaint”

“Yes”

“Transferring you to the Division of Complaints”

“Welcome to the Division of Complaints. All of our agents are busy serving other clients. Your call is very important to us. Please hold to wait for the next available Complaint Agent.”

“OH TIE A YELLOW RIBBON “

“Your call is very important to us. You are third in line”

“IT’S BEEN THREE LONG YEARS”

“Did you know many complaints can be dealt with by Zippy, our automated agent? If you’d like to talk to Zippy, please say or press ONE. Otherwise, please continue to hold for the next available agent.”

“IF I DON’T SEE A YELLOW RIBBON”

“Your call is very important to us. You are next in line”

“AND PUT THE BLAME ON ME”

“Did you know many complaints can be dealt with by Zippy, our automated agent? If you’d like to talk to Zippy, please say or press ONE. Otherwise, please continue to hold for the next available agent.”

“A HUNDRED YELLOW RIBBONS ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE”

“Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold for the next . . . .“

“Division of Complaints. How may I direct your call?

“I wish to register a complaint”

“Certified or non-certified?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your complaint registration. Do you need it certified?”

“Um, no, I don’t think so.”

“You need Mr. Collins”

“OK. Could you transfer me please?”

“FEELINGS. NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS”

“Collins here”

“Yes, Mister Collins. I wish to register a complaint.”

“I see. Do you require certification?”

“They transferred me to you because I don’t need certification. Why do you ask me that?”

“Just answer the question, sir.”

“NO. I do not require certification. I’ve never heard of such a stupid thing.”

“OK. I’ll make note of it. Thanks for calling.”

“WAIT. I haven’t registered my complaint.”

“Are you sure sir?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

“Well, you sure sounded like you were complaining and I made note of it. Should I erase the note?”

“What note?”

“Um, let’s see “I’ve never heard of such a stupid thing”

“Yes. Erase the note.”

“Are you sure? Sounds like a dandy complaint.”

“OK. Keep the note.”

“OK. I’ve kept the note Thanks for calling.”

“WAIT. You still haven’t taken my complaint.”

“Would that be another complaint sir?”

“YES. I mean NO.”

“You’re confusing me, sir.”

“I’ve changed my mind. My complaint requires certification.”

“Are you sure, sir?

“Yes. I’m absolutely positive. I don’t know what I was thinking. My complaint requires certification. That’s exactly what it needs”

“I would feel more confident doing that if I was certain of the certification requirement.”

“I DON’T NEED YOU TO BE CONFIDENT. I JUST NEED YOU TO TRANSFER ME TO THE DEPARTMENT THAT CERTIFIES COMPLAINTS.”

“There’s that tone again, sir. Please keep in mind I’m just trying to do the right thing. Under some very trying circumstances, if I say so. Now, before I transfer you, I need to clarify something. I have an unfiled complaint from you titled “Stupid Thing” which says, in its entirety, “I’ve never heard of such a stupid thing.” If that is accurate, please press or say ONE.” Otherwise, please press or say TWO.”

“Yes, that’s accurate”

“Please press or say ONE or TWO”

“You’re a human being, not a computer.”

“Just press or say ONE or TWO, sir.”

“ONE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ONE”

“Thank you, sir. I can transfer you now, but I caution you to be clearer in the future when making a complaint. How do you expect anyone to be able to tell whether or not you are complaining when you always use that tone?”

“TEARDROPS. ROLLING DOWN ON MY FACE”

“Did you know many complaints can be dealt with by Zippy, our automated agent? If you’d like to talk to Zippy, please say or press ONE. Otherwise, please continue to hold for . . . “

“Complaint Certification. Mr. Ferguson’s office.”

“Yes, I need to register a complaint”

“Do you require certification?”

“Sure”

“OK. Government, corporate, personal, or other?

“Uh, personal, I guess”

“Fee or non-fee”

“I just want to register a complaint.”

“I know sir. I’m trying to get your request routed properly.”

“I didn’t realize there might be a fee involved. What’s the difference between the two?”

“The fee form costs $5. The non-fee form costs $1”

“The non-fee form costs $1?”

“That’s right sir.”

“Rather mis-named, isn’t it?”

“I hear that a lot, sir. It’s to cover our expenses. Would you like that certified complaint to be a $5 or a $1 one?”

“No, wait. That’s not my complaint.”

“Well it sure sounded like one, sir.”

“Speaking of sounding like, you sound an awful lot like Mr. Collins.”

“I hear that a lot too, sir.”

“So if I understand this, I have to pay you $5 or $1 to complain.”

“That’s right, sir. – if you want it certified”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Time is money, sir. Complaint Departments cost money. Certification costs money.”

“So if I want to certify my complaint, it costs, but if I don’t want to certify it, it’s free. Is that right?”

“Yes sir.”

“Well I certainly do not wish to pay to complain.”

“Transferring you to Mr. Collins, sir.”

“Wait. No please, anything but . . .”

“TRYING TO FORGET MY FEELINGS OF LOVE”

“Did you know many complaints can be dealt with by Zippy, our automated agent? If you’d like to talk to Zippy, please say or press ONE. Otherwise, please continue to hold for the next available agent.”

“FEELINGS. WHOA, OH, OH FEELINGS?

“Collins here.”

“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH”

“I’ll make note of that sir. Thanks for calling.”