I’ve Had It With English

I’ve had it with English
So please hear my rant
Why is there no egg
Inside an eggplant?

About a pineapple
I just have to whine
You won’t find an apple
And there’s no trace of pine

Plus in a hamburger
There’s nary a gram
Of anything like
The meat of a ham

It’s notable, though
In this monologue
There’s no trace of canine
Inside a hot dog

At big boxing rings
I can’t help but swear
Because they’re not round
Instead they are square

If a boxer can box
And a spammer can spam
Then how come a hammer
Is unable to ham?

If a writer can write
And a singer can sing
Then what about fingers
Why can they not fing?

If you get in quicksand
Then you need to know
You will not sink quickly
In fact, it is slow

A nose might start running
Anytime you’re unwell
But it’s rather crazy
Your two feet can smell

If you should offend
A very good friend
You go make amends
Why not an amend?

If vegetarians eat vegetables
And shun all that meat
Please tell me then what should
Humanitarians eat?

You can play at a recital
On a bright sunny day
So why do you then
Recite at a play?

You put cargo on ships
Paying many a buck
But if you go shipping things
They travel by truck

A slim chance and fat chance
Are the same, it’s the pits
But wise men and wise guys
Are exact opposites

What is the thinking
In this crazy town
Each house that burns up
Also burns down

If you should apply
To join the Cub Scouts
You’ll fill in a form
By filling it out

Just how does a colorfast
Fabric get done?
It sounds very speedy
But it will not run

These are all things
That my teachers have taught
I can’t be a squeacher
Cuz I don’t know squaught