I have several friends struggling currently on diets, so this is dedicated to all of them. I write this with a bunch of experience. I too have been on many diets and in the process, I’ve learned a lot about dieting, food, and the human body. I think I have a pretty good handle on what works and what doesn’t work, so it was with that knowledge that I created the diet scheme described here. I call it the “Kevin’s Excrete More Than You Eat Diet (KEMTYED)”.

First, some background. Some of you have noted that modern dieting involves weighing the amount of food you eat very carefully. You might wonder why. Well, dieting professionals are reluctant to share their secrets, but I’m going to reveal them here! Weighing your food before you eat is a central part of KEMTYED. In fact, we take it to new heights and that is the very secret of our success. Here’s how it works.

First, as I mentioned, you must weigh all of the food you eat in KEMTYED. That’s fine for starters, but we differ from other diets in taking this one step farther and requiring you to also weigh all of the fluids you drink as well. Without this information, our diet would not work! Then, we use the power of MATHEMATICS to guide you to reaching your weight loss goals. Let’s see how it works.

First, let’s imagine you drink four pounds of liquid per day. We’ll call this amount “L”. And let’s also assume you eat three pounds of solid food per day. We’ll call this “F”. At this point, you’ll probably be wanting to know the total weight of food and drink you had in a day. We’ll call this “T”. Now, using the power of MATHEMATICS, and employing the equation below (Don’t WORRY, this isn’t all about math!),

T = L + F

we can see that the total weight of liquid and food you consumed is

T = 4 + 3 = 7 pounds

You may be wondering at this point how knowledge of the weight of food and drink will help you lose weight. Ah, and as well you should, because we’re only half way through the KEMTYED. Specifically, we have dealt so far only with the second “E” in the KEMTYED. Now, it is time to deal with the first “E”. What may surprise you is that the first “E” is a lot like the second “E” when it comes to the physical states of the items being measured, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

To understand the “E’s” here, let’s clean things up a bit because two “E’s” can be awfully confusing. To simplify, let’s rename the second “E” as “Intake” and we can give it the letter “I”. Similarly, let’s rename the first “E” as “Output” and we can give it the letter “O”. Now that may seem to complicate things just a bit, but it’s only momentary. A BIG simplification is coming up and you’re going to LOVE it.

Remember how the Intake (second “E”) involved measurement of the weight of the liquids and solids (food) going “in”?. Well, the Output (first “E”) simply measures the weight of the liquids and solids going OUT. YES! After the experience you gained measuring liquids and solids going in, this should be a snap! Again, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s list these output items (first “E”) and give them letters too.

#1 – this would be the weight of liquids going out. We’ll give it the letter “U” because, why not?

#2 – this would be the weight of solids going out. We’ll give it the letter “S” because, you know.

Now, thinking back to the first equation, the total weight (T) of liquids (L) and food (F) going in was given by the equation

T = L + F

(here comes that simplification we’ve been building up to)

In similar fashion, the total weight of liquids and solids going out can be calculated. First, though, we must give a letter this quantity. Let’s call it “W” for waste. If you want to think about it as your “Waist,” that’s fine too 🙂

W = U + S

Now, here comes the bottom line on the KEMTYED

So long as W is greater than T, you will lose weight! How’s that for simple? No calories. No fiber. No subscriptions. No nosy doctors. No expensive supplements.

You’re probably thinking, “This can’t be true.”

Here’s the good news. IT IS!!!!

To illustrate the beauty of the KEMTYED, let’s take a look at a couple of case studies.

Case Study #1: Jennifer is 45 pounds overweight, according to her doctor. She hopes to lose 45 pounds. How will this diet work for her?

Answer – Let’s imagine that on KEMTYED Jennifer inputs 4 pounds of liquid and eats 3 pounds of food per day and on the diet, outputs 4 pounds of liquid (#1 above) and 4 pounds of solid (#2 above) per day. For her,

T = 4 + 3 = 7 pounds input

and

W = 4 + 4 = 8 pounds output

As you can see, on the KEMTYED Jennifer will be losing 1 pound per day, so she will reach her desired weight in 45 days! Note that I haven’t said a word about the other big E, EXERCISE! Talk about melting the pounds off! How many other “diets” can claim this?

Case Study #2: Alex is 127 pounds overweight and his doctor says if he doesn’t get down to his ideal weight within 6 months, he may be dead. Can KEMTYED give Alex any hope?

Answer – In short, YES! Here’s how KEMTYED could save Alex’s life. Alex is a big eater and beer drinker. Each day, he drinks 9 pounds of liquid (mostly beer) and eats 5 pounds of food (mostly bar food). To reach his goals with KEMTYED, Alex would only have to have his output (W) total at least 15 pounds using any combination of item #1 and item #2 above. As an example, let’s say Alex outputs 9 pounds of liquid and 6 pounds of solid per day. His equations would be

T = 9 + 5 = 14

and

W = 9 + 6 = 15

Note that we chose 9 pounds of item #1 and 6 pounds of item #2, but (hold onto your hats!), the results would be EXACTLY the same if Alex’s output was 8 pounds of item #1 and 7 pounds of item #2. Don’t believe it? Check the math.

Just like Jennifer, on the diet, Alex on KEMTYED is outputting one extra pound per day, so he should reach his goals in 127 days, well under his six month deadline! Moreover, Alex can drink as much beer and eat as much food as he wants, just so long as his W exceeds his T by one pound every day. How many other diets can claim that?!!

So you can see that not only is KEMTYED a great diet with enormous flexibility, it can also be a life saver! Just ask Alex!

Case Study #3: Ted is going to his high school reunion in two weeks and would like to drop 20 pounds of ugly fat before then. Will KEMTYED work for Ted?

Answer – YES! Here’s how. Let’s say Ted doesn’t like diets and doesn’t want to cut down on anything. He normally drinks 6 pounds of liquid and eats 5 pounds of food per day. Ted’s total input (T) then is 11 pounds per day. Ted wants to drop 20 pounds in 14 days. Let’s suppose Ted wants time to get some new clothes before his reunion, so we’ll give him four extra days to do that by dropping his weight in 10 days. To do this Ted’s plan on KEMTYED must simply have his output (W) total 13 pounds per day using any combination of item #1 and item #2. Here’s one way Ted might achieve his goal

T = 5 + 6 = 11

and

W = 6 + 7 = 13

So you see, Ted will drop a net of 2 pounds per day on the KEMTYED. Multiply that times 10 days and, well, you do the math. YES! It is possible for Ted to achieve his goals in 10 days with the KEMTYED!

FAQs

Q: What’s the catch?

A: Here’s the best part – there isn’t any! All you have to do is simply have output exceed input by the needed amount and you’ll reach your goal!

Q: What about gas?

A: That’s a great question. Gas is something that varies considerably from person to person. Generally, people with gas have an advantage, since they tend to release more gas weight that their net gaseous intake, so if you have significant gas, you’ll reach your goals EVEN FASTER! This is also why the KEMTYED is also referred to in some circles as the “Burrito Diet.” One of the best parts of KEMTYED is that whenever you have an embarrassing moment of gas, you can blame it on the diet and that it is part of your planned weight loss!

Q: Do smoothies and ice cream count as liquid or solid?

A: It doesn’t really matter, since it is the total input weight that determines how much you must output.

Q: What about diarrhea?

A: See previous question and substitute “output” for “input” and vice versa.

Can I eat ice cream on this diet?

A: Yes, yes, YES! That’s the remarkable thing about it. Eat as much as you want. Just remember the KEMTYED mantra “The more you eat, the more you must excrete”

Q: Should I consult my physician before beginning this diet?

A: Yes. Also, consider consulting with a psychiatrist.

Q: What about calories?

A: It would be better to consult your doctor. Calories don’t typically know anything about diets.

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